Been able to find "spark" with anybody since?

[Mike_d]

<sigh> Emotions are tough, after a great couple of weeks I've taken a huge step backwards and feel horrible, so posting looking to build some hope. Honestly I couldn't be more dead inside, been like this for some time, kinda concerns me to be honest. But still moving forward, lol not like I have much choice but I'm working on making it my choice to do so.

 

I'm wondering what your experiences are with dating someone new, and having a spark with them? What did it take for you to be able to get there? How many frogs did you have to kiss?

 

I'm struggling to try to counter the irrational emotional in me that says that the chances of me having a spark with someone is about nil. So I'm looking to interject some actual reality, so thought I'd throw this out there.

[Sameold]

Similar boat to me mate, we always get setbacks...

 

I would say I have felt a spark with the new girl I am dating but it isn't quite the same in many ways. However, that is because my ex was my first love and I never wanted it to end/her to change.

 

I think you have to spend real real time with them. I also think the older you get then perhaps the less of a "spark" there might be? It doesn't mean love can't be as strong but just that we can't always stay as kiddy kids in love. Life and tougher and I guess love does too.

[geegirl]

I believe those emotions will always come in waves. Just when you think you're going up for air, it pulls you under. It happens to everyone but in time it will become few and far between. And while I always felt I'd never see a light at the end of the tunnel, I realized I was limiting my healing by always shoving myself in that little box of no possibilities. You have to tell yourself it won't always be this way.

 

I felt dead for a long time after my divorce. Men didn't seem appealing to me, more so the process of having to put myself out there again. And when I did, two years after the divorce, I got stung and bitten more times than I care to remember. I was emotionally numb from the demise of my marriage and when I started dating, I made a lot of mistakes in that my picker was severely off. I was looking for all the right things from all the wrong places. Looking back I wished i had taken some time for therapy. I wished I had invested in rebuilding myself because I had lost myself in the marriage. I became an extension of him. Those two years I spent existing. Yes, I kissed the toads.

 

The previous relationship lasted about 2 years and he ended up cheating. It was sparks when I met him. What felt great was the prospect of loving again. I found that feeling. The one I thought I could never feel again. Granted it didn't last or go the way I expected it to, but it's testament that your heart can open and love again.

 

You'll find the spark Mike. A few months ago, I was feeling content being single. There were times I'd wonder if I would meet anyone but not with any sort of limiting thoughts that I would never, but just wondering when. And just as they say, when you least expect it, and when your life is complete, like an added bonus to your already wonderful life, it will present itself. It's true.

 

It did for me a few months ago. And it will happen for you too. This little hurdle is just a sliver in the enormity of your life. And when you're emotionally healthy and complete, you'd sometimes wish for a partner but it won't hurt or cripple you because your life will be fulfilling you in so many other ways.

Edited September 24, 2012 by geegirl

[Mike_d]

I think part of the prob is that I hit 3 months NC and I had it noted in my calendar, hit me pretty hard. I've since deleted that event so that I don't have to face it every month it comes up.

 

Doing a lot of mental negotiating and losing track of the why's. Just miss someone that I felt an incredible connection with on a personal level, without considering the bad stuff that happened. Hurting.

 

Read somewhere the other day that after awhile you'll get tired of seeing your partners face as you get years and years in, and thought to myself that this couldn't be more off for me, was always the best part of my day, waking up to that beautiful face and feeling like the luckiest man in the world. But all that is memories now, just swimming in it at the moment, it'll pass and I'll start having good days again, this is temporary. just taking care of myself as best I can till then. trying to build hope and faith. off to get a workout in, hoping the endorphins and exhaustion will make me feel better in the end. I'm in week 5 of p90x, pretty cool stuff but so hard to stay disciplined with the rollercoaster of life going on. Just working to keep it simple for now

[ThatDudeXO]

I found someone who I had good chemistry with but it just didn't work out. First time since the BU almost 9months ago. Now that it didn't work out as well as i hoped I'm slumped again.

[geegirl]

I didn't chart my NC. It only reminded me of what I was fighting against. I tried to always tell myself that it's a journey to finding myself again, and not my need to forget the ex. Maybe you should change your mindset as in setting goals for yourself, in that NC is time to start rebuilding you. In 3 months I hope to get to A, B and C. Start a calendar of goals.

 

It's normal to forget the bad times. It's normal to idealize and romanticize. When I first met with my therapist, I remember saying to her, "He was so sweet in the beginning." And she said, "What happened after the beginning was over?" And as I regurgitated the bad, she would write it all down. "He was so sweet and would bring me tea every morning." And she would say, "Who else did he have breakfast with in bed?" Ouch. And after a while I had this long list of bad. And everytime I started dwelling on the good, I pulled that list out. It would always reinforce my reality and make me feel better. Write a list. When you forget, it'll help you remember.

 

We all swim in those moments. It's called an attachment. One day you will remember her face but not the way that it hurt you. I still remember my ex's face. At the time I was dying thinking of never seeing his beautiful eyes. Now, it's just eyes!

 

P90X...impressive!

[Mike_d]

NC sig date deleted, a good idea to change it. originally it was there to keep me from breaking it, reading what you wrote I was able to see how it was now a thing that was keeping me stuck.

[Exit]

My strategy to avoid having a bunch of miserable dating experiences and trying to hunt down a spark with a new person, is not to start looking until I am 110% ready. So 10+ months since the breakup and I have not been on a date.

[Renard99]

I have successfully found the spark with someone new, although, I agree with Sameold in that the spark this time round is different as my ex was also my first true love. I'm not saying the spark is any less intense this time around, it just doesn't have the same shine to it that it did the first time. I think maybe because, 10 years since the last 'spark', I'm older and (hopefully) wiser and and I didn't let myself get carried away with the 'spark' and instead watched for any red flags, which I failed to do last time.

 

I think I jumped in a little too soon into the dating scene after the breakup too. Jumped in after about 7 moths and realised pretty soon that I didn't feel comfortable and I was 'going after' the wrong people because I didn't have my heart in the 'game'. My current girlfriend actually approached me and whilst reluctant at first (thinking I still wasn't ready) I realised that after a few months of getting to know her, I had begun to have feelings for her. Feelings I thought I'd never feel again.

 

My advice is simply take your time. Once your mind has stopped running at a million miles an hour (I know mine was) and the dust has settled, you'll find that there's enough room inside to once again feel that spark with someone.

[TheDovic]

Hey Mike. I can remember you from last year when I used to come on a lot. Sorry to hear things are bad at the minute, but in saying that it's strangely some comfort to me in that it helps me believe what I'm going through is normal.

 

Can I ask why things are bad again? In my case my ex showed up about a month ago and set me back loads. I had been doing really well (in terms of feeling happy again) but now I'm really missing her again!

 

We have broken up almost 15 months ago, she is dating someone else and I have dated half the girls in my town. I have dated some girls who I would have been crazy about before I met my ex but have been unable to find the "spark." Seriously could not care less about any of these girls, even the amazing one I'm dating at present and am afraid this will never change! Although the rational part of my brain is telling me this may simply be a relapse, and I'm wondering if this is the same for you!?

[Mike_d]

TD in the house... I remember you too.

 

Ahh, its just a temp thing, I got through it. It comes in waves, I know it's normal, just knocks me on my ass at times, most times when I don't see it coming. All part of the deal, and I'm more than willing to take it as the cost to get to the other side and onto something better.

 

Sometimes I dig around on the forums here looking for inspiration - found this user last night, "no_more_tries", and what she said really resonated with me, been doing some copy/paste into a log I keep. Helps remind me about how I really feel vs how my brain tells me I think I feel

[Jingle14]

I didn't chart my NC. It only reminded me of what I was fighting against. I tried to always tell myself that it's a journey to finding myself again, and not my need to forget the ex. Maybe you should change your mindset as in setting goals for yourself, in that NC is time to start rebuilding you. In 3 months I hope to get to A, B and C. Start a calendar of goals.

 

It's normal to forget the bad times. It's normal to idealize and romanticize. When I first met with my therapist, I remember saying to her, "He was so sweet in the beginning." And she said, "What happened after the beginning was over?" And as I regurgitated the bad, she would write it all down. "He was so sweet and would bring me tea every morning." And she would say, "Who else did he have breakfast with in bed?" Ouch. And after a while I had this long list of bad. And everytime I started dwelling on the good, I pulled that list out. It would always reinforce my reality and make me feel better. Write a list. When you forget, it'll help you remember.

 

We all swim in those moments. It's called an attachment. One day you will remember her face but not the way that it hurt you. I still remember my ex's face. At the time I was dying thinking of never seeing his beautiful eyes. Now, it's just eyes!

 

P90X...impressive!

 

I did this, and believe me, it was a long, long list. But still I can't break the attachment. I can't offer the OP any hope from my situation, I am 15 months on and nothing and no-one can replace 'him', despite everything. I've really tried too, being busy with work and a social life, all the 'act happy and before long you will be happy', I've done all that. I am now resolutely resolved to staying single, to not letting anyone else in. I never had the spark with anyone that I had with him, not even during a 22 year marriage, or with anyone before. And certainly not since. Shame the same can't be said of him, he replaced me almost in the blink of an eye. And that I can't forget or forgive.

[Mike_d]

I missed that list part, or I read it and it didn't stick well. I find myself making lists in my head, maybe time to put pen and paper to them

[Tree_Salmon]

I think part of the prob is that I hit 3 months NC and I had it noted in my calendar, hit me pretty hard. I've since deleted that event so that I don't have to face it every month it comes up.

 

Doing a lot of mental negotiating and losing track of the why's. Just miss someone that I felt an incredible connection with on a personal level, without considering the bad stuff that happened. Hurting.

 

Read somewhere the other day that after awhile you'll get tired of seeing your partners face as you get years and years in, and thought to myself that this couldn't be more off for me, was always the best part of my day, waking up to that beautiful face and feeling like the luckiest man in the world. But all that is memories now, just swimming in it at the moment, it'll pass and I'll start having good days again, this is temporary. just taking care of myself as best I can till then. trying to build hope and faith. off to get a workout in, hoping the endorphins and exhaustion will make me feel better in the end. I'm in week 5 of p90x, pretty cool stuff but so hard to stay disciplined with the rollercoaster of life going on. Just working to keep it simple for now

 

I feel the same way. I don't think i would ever get tired of seeing her face everyday. I never did. But things don't work out the way we want.

 

Keep working on your body and your self esteem. Once you are confident again all things will fall into place.

[Jingle14]

I feel the same way. I don't think i would ever get tired of seeing her face everyday. I never did.

 

Me neither, the more time went on, the deeper i fell and i would like awake just gazing at him. Never, ever would i have taken waking with him for granted, i utterly adored him. How can you ever replace that, or accept second best as anyone else would surely be?

[Mike_d]

Me neither, the more time went on, the deeper i fell and i would like awake just gazing at him. Never, ever would i have taken waking with him for granted, i utterly adored him. How can you ever replace that, or accept second best as anyone else would surely be?

 

its a special gift we were bestowed, to be able to feel that way about someone. that they pissed it away is not on us.

[Tree_Salmon]

Me neither, the more time went on, the deeper i fell and i would like awake just gazing at him. Never, ever would i have taken waking with him for granted, i utterly adored him. How can you ever replace that, or accept second best as anyone else would surely be?

 

Seems that people like us usually don't get what we want.

I never complained that I was in a relationship, in fact I took pride in it.

 

Maybe there will be other people who we feel this strongly for eventually.

Even though it may seem impossible now.

[CopingGal]

It's been about 14 1/2 months since I left my bf. I have not been on a date with anyone else. I went out with my ex once at that time as friends, but that was before I knew all the stuff he pulled behind my back when we were seeing each other. Haven't seen my ex in about a year. I went NC 13 months ago. I broke it a few times to tell him to leave me alone and to tell him off. I haven't spoken with him for almost 6 months straight.

 

Not dating anyone. IT's way too soon. I still have a lot of healing to do and I'm not interested in bringing all of my baggage into a new relationship.

[Tree_Salmon]

It's been about 14 1/2 months since I left my bf. I have not been on a date with anyone else. I went out with my ex once at that time as friends, but that was before I knew all the stuff he pulled behind my back when we were seeing each other. Haven't seen my ex in about a year. I went NC 13 months ago. I broke it a few times to tell him to leave me alone and to tell him off. I haven't spoken with him for almost 6 months straight.

 

Not dating anyone. IT's way too soon. I still have a lot of healing to do and I'm not interested in bringing all of my baggage into a new relationship.

 

We need more women like you.

[TheDovic]

Cheers for the advice Mike. I read the thread from "no more tries" about not jumping into relationships. That concerns me because historically I've been the type of person who pines over someone until I find someone else to fall for. If I didn't try and meet new people I fear I'd turn into a big giant stalker of my ex!! Maybe meeting new girls and being honest with them from the start is the answer!

 

Do you ever share your log on here? Liked what you said about the difference between what's actually happening as opposed to what your mind is telling you! lol

[Mike_d]

Do you ever share your log on here? Liked what you said about the difference between what's actually happening as opposed to what your mind is telling you! lol

 

I'll work on adding it as a journal entry off my profile, will keep you posted. It's helped me a lot

[TheDovic]

Thanks pal!

[fucpcg]

1 years and 7 months post breakup, zero sparks.

[Renard99]

Not dating anyone. IT's way too soon. I still have a lot of healing to do and I'm not interested in bringing all of my baggage into a new relationship.

 

That's a good way of approaching it. I think I did bring a fair bit of baggage to my new relationship as it was a little too soon. Thankfully, my new gf had a little bit of baggage herself, and we decided early on that these will not get in the way of our relationship and we'd look at these 'things' in our past and used them as valuable lessons. It was a risk, and one we both acknowledged, but, after 14 months together, we feel we're much stronger for it.

[Tree_Salmon]

1 years and 7 months post breakup, zero sparks.

 

Don't tell me this.

I have a feeling I will be following your lead