Wanting divorce but can't move forward with it...

[uncertain04]

I'm new and looking for advice... after 10 years of marriage I want to call it quits but my husband does not.

 

I was married at age 22 and have outgrown my husband who is 8 years older than I. I know that he is a good person and a good father but I'm not in love with him and can't give him the emotional and physical intimacy that he wants/needs. We've been through couples counseling and I've had individual counseling. They all tell me that I've made up my mind about leaving and that I just need to do it. My standard reply to that is "easier said than done." We have two children, ages 5 and 7. When I think of having to put them through a divorce it breaks my heart. Is my own personal happiness worth more than theirs?

 

I've been struggling with this decision for 10 months. I've looked at houses and apartments, I have spreadsheets for dividing our property and assets, and have started lists on what will need to be done. I know I can make it on my own. In my mind I've moved on but in real life I'm stuck. I'm depressed and becoming more unhappy every day to the point where I know I'm not enjoying my children anymore and not being a good mother and yet I can't move forward. What's holding me back? What am I waiting for?

[Samson]

Uncertain,

 

I have to admit that although you might think you're uncertain, I envy your organizational skills (and especially knowing you can "make it on your own").

 

But, I don't think 10 months is a long time to struggle. Unhappily, the decision to become divorced, especially with your kids involved, is going to be much more of a challenge than..........................What? Is there anything that can compare?

 

Yes...................your decision to BECOME married.

 

 

Is my own personal happiness worth more than theirs?

 

They'll get over it.

 

You will not.

This realization took longer than 10 months for me to embrase, but once you do, you'll be able to pull the trigger.

[uncertain04]

Samson,

 

Unfortunately deciding to get married was not a difficult decision... it should have been, but at age 22, I didn't have a clue. Everyone else was getting married, it was what you were supposed to do and so that's what I did. I didn't know myself and didn't consider what it would take to make a marriage last a lifetime. It's only been in the last two years that I've finally figured these things out, but of course, now it's a little too late.

 

I'm seriously questioning my ability to leave this marriage. I've done all I can to prepare my husband for this, but now I don't know that I can go through with telling the kids... and everyone else. I had given myself until the end of summer to decide once and for all (if I leave the kids will have to change school districts). My self-imposed deadline is weighing heavily on me and I'm feeling as if it's now or never... I can't keep living in this limbo. Am I being a coward?

[feelinglost]

I totally can relate to how you are feeling. You feel there is a gun pointed at your head, but only you can pull the trigger. Limbo is Hell!!!!, from your post its seems you have exhausted all the avenues to try to make it work. The only thing stoping you is fear. Intially it will be horrible telling your kids, and family, but in time it will get better. If this is really what you want, you need to take the plunge. Your kids don't want an unhappy mother. Once you do it, as hard as it will be, just being decisive and moving forward will make this a lot easier. I wish you lots of luck, and peace.

[Samson]

Am I being a coward?

 

Yes, but so am I and many others. You're not alone.

 

I think what we need to do is go skydiving; deo something that would be somewhat more scary to make this seem trivial by comparison.

[uncertain04]

I've never been indecisive... it just doesn't seem possible for something to be so impossible. I'd happily jump out of that airplane instead of dealing with this...

 

Thanks for the support.

[Mr baseball]

I think your not posting the whole story. What does outgrown mean? There must be a change of events that started all of this. You married this person and had two children for a reason. I think you must have an emotional bond when kids are involved and you feel bad because he is a great guy. I also think you care more about him and your family then you realize at this time. You say you have been to councilers and they say your done? You must think there is something there or you wouldn't be going through the trouble. I think you want them to convince you of this because your not sure or confused and think this is the last thing to do. Licensed council cant tell you to end a marriage without abuse. I noticed you have spent time on preparation for the end but how much have you spent truly working on your marriage? I think to me you are depressed or have self esteem problems and need to prove to yourself or other people involved you can make it on your own. You must find the problem and cure it before you make a decision to dissolve your family.. I can tell you that kids don't get over divorce unless they are older and they see the reasons why. I am there and its twelve years counting. Don't give up! Your pain may increase if you leave.

[me2]

I feel your pain~ I'm in limbo too. Mine could be outgrown like yours, but after 23 years together, I think it's more like being fear of the unknown and causing the turbulance in the *family unity* even though we know are feet are stuck.

 

When my hubby and I married at 24, it was good, it was something I didn't really give myself alot of time with, I could kick myself now, but heard over the years from my parents, Mom esp. *He's your husband, you need to stick with it, no matter what*. *He's the head of the household etc etc*.

 

Yeah, but what MOm et al doesn't know is that my hubby drinks every single night (98% of the time, unless he's sick, and even then), 6-12 pack beer, runs in marathons so people know he gets out, is a community leader and therefore demands respect and gets it. I on the other hand have become more and more resentful, angry and bitter. He was there for my son's birth - totally smashed. He's not once lifted a finger to help with the kids during their young years, and even now. It's basically *my job*. Never fed them, cooked a meal, he may order a pizza every 6 months or so. Works, comes home, drinks, and tv, then right before bed, eat. that's it, then Sex after all that.

 

Because we work together, our talk is work, kids, work. He has no sense of humor and everything is looked at it from a business level, he likes to have the control of the conversation and will push his point across until we *got it*, even though we don't agree, doesn't matter, we're wrong.

 

Basically I've heard *okay, I've heard enough of the conversation*, I don't need to know anything else* or when I'm trying to explain how I feel about something, the words don't come out because he twists them and I end up shutting down and just agreeing with him to end the conversation. I /we the kids are so much relaxed when he's not around. The air is light and fun, and we talk and joke. When he's there, everyone resorts to their own rooms, we don't like to watch what he's watching - CNN, discovery or sports. He never goes with us anywhere, sometimes we might get lucky and have him buy us Breakfast after Church, but other than that - once we went out for our anniversary. It was nice and cozy, and when the food came I leanded over and said *Honey can I taste that* and poked it with my fork, he stood staring at me with this look of contempt, like I did the most awful thing in the world. He said *Don't you ever ever do thta again, that was the rudest thing ever*. I became defensive, and said *Wow, sorry, I didn't think it would matter that much*, but the evening was done, it was ruined. The mood gone.

 

I don't mind him drinking most of the time, cause then he's relaxed and *comes down to earth*, when he's not drinking he's uptight, and very high strung, even though he says he's very humble.

 

He becomes humble when I'm in *limbo* stage, and he knows it, so he tucks his tail and helps do the laundry. But all else chores is mine - grocery shopping, paying bills, kids, homework, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, dishes, cooknig etc etc. as well as entertaining the kids, walking the dog. (He hates my dog and refuses to let him in the house - but that's another story, and only when I insist he doesn't say anything, but his facial expression tells it all).

 

I'm at my wits end, I'm tired of being his slave, of not having him burden me with his work problems and not wanting to do anything else and making it fun, the reasons we don't ask him to come along anymore is because he makes us all feel tense - if we want to go here - he wants to go there, If we want to see t his movie he doesnt, if we want to eat at this place, it's always too expensive. He never ever buys us food on the way home, he might stop and get him something if he didn't eat lunch, but he won't think to pick up the rest of the family.

 

Am I missing something. I'm so sorry. I ranted and raved. But I do know about Limbo. My eldest son 17, has destroyed the wall when I told him I was leaving last time, and he said he'd do it again, he'd be crushed because the *unit* isn't there. Even though they know I'm not happy, they don't want the *unit* being broken. Am I willing to take that chance? I don't know. I do know that I don't want to be another 20 years doing the same thing, thinking the same thoughts, and watching him doing nothing in front the tv every day, this time would be worst cause I'd have no kids then.

[Megan5P]

I recently divorced my husband and the hardest part isn't going thru a divorce - it's making the decision to get a divorce. I knew I had to get out of my marriage and let me tell you - no matter what the circumstances are - it's never easy ending a relationship.

 

Filing papers, waiting out the 60 day waiting period and then going to court and getting it finalized wasn't hard - it was after all the smoke cleared and I realized I was no longer married to this person although I still loved him very much - that hurt alot.

 

Divorce is traumatic but you must ask yourself are you happier with him or without him? Your kids need a mom who is happy and healthy - whether that be married or single - they need a mom who's head isn't in a fog and who isn't unhappy and depressed.

 

Will you still be unhappy and depressed once you're divorced or will it be like a ten ton weight has been lifted off your shoulders?

[uncertain04]

Mr. Baseball,

 

This is part of why I decided to post here... to make sure I've considered every aspect/angle of the situation. I appreciate your post and would like to try to respond.

 

It's only been during the last two years that I've begun to acknowledge and try to understand my feelings and emotions, but I'm not always good at communicating them. I'll do my best to explain the situation further.

 

I feel that I've outgrown my husband and the relationship in that what I wanted/needed from a relationship 10 years ago is not the same today. Ten years ago I was content to attend car shows and tidy up the house while my husband tinkered with his "toys" in the barn. My husband is very much the same person I married 10 years ago; I am not. During those 10 years I went back to school, built a career, and had two beautiful children. I want someone that can stimulate and challenge me emotionally, intellectually, and physically… that person is not my husband.

 

Yes, I have to believe I was in love with my husband when I married him... we had all the sparks and excitement of a new relationship. However, when I was pregnant with my first child I remember feeling relieved to have an excuse not to have to be intimate with my husband. Why would I feel that way? Was I really in love with him or just trying to live the perfect married life as was expected of me? It wasn't until a year ago when my husband tried to negotiate a minimum of weekly lovemaking that I was pushed to a point of assessing why it was that I didn't want to make love to him. I have to believe that it's because I'm not in love with him anymore... that I'm not attracted to him and haven't been for a long time. Why is falling out of love not an acceptable reason for ending a marriage? Is a loveless marriage fair to anyone? I feel like I have to have an affair to justify not being in love with my husband. Is that what it takes now days?

 

A couple of final points I would like to clarify… no, the counselors did not advise me to leave my husband. As I stated, they agreed that I seem to have made up mind about leaving my marriage and that in responding to my desire to become unstuck, have advised me that I need to pursue what it is I want. As for working on my marriage, I don’t know what there is I can do to make myself be in love with my husband and attracted to him again. I would be open to any suggestions on how to do this. I’ve had this conversation with my husband many times and I just don’t know what there is that I can/should do and unfortunately dealing with a possible divorce over the past 10 months has only added to the building resentment and discontent between us.

 

And finally, I stated that “I know I can make it on my own” because I know that I can. I was trying to communicate this point so that others in responding to my post would know it is not an issue for me. I’m curious as to why you conclude that “… you are depressed or have self esteem problems and need to prove to yourself or other people involved you can make it on your own.” Is it because I’m a woman that it’s assumed I can’t take care of myself and would therefore need to prove it, whereas a man is automatically assumed to be capable of such? Like I said, I’m just curious as to your comment. I hope you won’t take offense to my questioning it. Thanks.

[Haunani]

I can so relate to your *loveless marriage*, and you feel like because you want better for yourself and your family without it having to be an *outside affair* situation that people will veiw you as the bad person. Nobody knows what you go through of the life you live, the lies inside your heart.

 

You seem to be going through the same emotions as I am, hang with me, we will survive.

[baseball]

uncertain04

 

No offense taken or directed. I just wanted to wake up what was sleeping. I did but you just don't know yet! To start I would like to say that there are two sides to a coin and keep union in mind because both of those sides are on the same coin! Please run this through your mind a few times and the picture may be more clear to you. I would also see if you can get him to do the same. I would like to start with the "outgrown" feeling and the needs for you. I think those are your needs and they are very important. Those needs are felt by him but in a different place than yours. He may or may not see yours and you may or may not see his. The fact is there are needs to be dealt with. You both need to look at the other side.

 

You said you had a lack of sexual desire with you first child. Some women do lack and some crave. Think of changes a woman's body goes through during a time of nine months. I can tell you men are the same but will never admit they change also. Men "nest" too. I craved and my wife lacked. She thought she was sub par in her mind and I thought she was more special and attractive than ever.

 

The loveless marriage being fair? I think you see it as fair and not fair. The losses you feel have been explained to me in the past as a smoke screen and That it is a cover for a problem. This may be a problem you see in him or yourself. I think there are feelings still there or you wouldn't question.

 

Affairs are a bad thing at this time. This is a common answer to depression. The person needs to find what is missing. The problem is that it causes more depression and damage than most can deal with in this condition. This will make your condition worse and now the whole family feels pain. Will the whole family feeling pain make things better for anyone? Is that fair? You are very smart and I know You have that answer.

 

Counselors are very smart and have to ability to make you think when you don't want to. I think telling you to follow you mind was great. You haven't and are still looking for a answer. Why do you think that is? I think "you know you can" but you wont for a reason. You are not done or you wouldn't go on this search. The human mind is the most powerful thing on this earth! TEST IT!

 

Statement about women? defensive? We are all equal and deserve the same respect. I will not list any reasons. Just think women are on one side of that coin and that man is on the other. Which side if any is more valuable on the same coin.

[uncertain04]

If there is an underlying problem, other than not being in love with my husband, then I don't know what it is or how to fix it... and two therapists and several friends have not been able to help me uncover it. What I do know is that if there weren't children involved, I would have left long ago. This process for me has not been about finding a way to repair my marriage... we're not meant to be... it's about deciding whether or not or how much longer I can survive in it.

 

I think what I struggle with the most is valuing myself and my happiness enough to do something that will make everyone else unhappy. However, I have to believe that their unhappiness will only be short-term in comparison to mine should I stay in this marriage. And then, of course, there's all the guilt to deal with that goes along with being the one to initiate a divorce.

 

This forum has been helpful... I can feel that I'm getting closer to moving forward.

[sam5219]

uncertain 04

 

It sounds to me that you have already moved on. Life is too short to be unhappy for the rest of your life. Your kids will be better with a healthy and happy mom than one who stays miserable in a relationship.

 

This same thing happened to a good friend of mine with a son. She finally made the decision to leave. Got her own place figured out custody and visitation and has never been happier. Her son is doing just fine.

 

Sam

[uncertain04]

Well... I made the call today and set up an appointment for tomorrow morning to rent an apartment. I hung up the phone and was excited and scared to death at the same time. Now I've spent my day wondering if I'll be able to go through with it or if I'll chicken out before signing my name. And worst of all, my support network (aka, closest two friends) haven't been available all day to support me in taking this first, decisive step.

 

Now I'm looking around my house wondering if I'm can walk away from all this (not the house itself but what it represents... marriage and family). I suppose the worst that can happen is that I pay rent on an apartment I never move in to or only live in for a couple of months. But even if that happens, then at least I'll know once and for all that I can't or don't want a divorce. It has to be better than living in this limbo.

 

It's funny how one moment I can be so certain that I'm ready to move on and the next I'm freaking out wondering "what the hell am I doing?"

[Haunani]

uncertain does your husband know that you are moving out? or are you planning an escape? Are you taking the kids with you? It is very scary, it's oneof the main reasons I've stuck it out for 20 years, and like you feel brazen and happy to be able to make that decision, yet not.

 

good luck with your choices.........

[uncertain04]

No, he doesn't know yet that I'm definitely moving out (IF I can go through with it tomorrow)... but I'm not planning a quick escape. During the next couple of weeks we'll work out the details and share them with the kids. It may be uncomfortable but I plan to stay at home and give the kids as much time as possible to adjust to the idea so that we are both here to answer their questions and provide them reassurance. It isn't going to be easy, but I hope it will get better. Thanks.