NotInProvence Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 I have read a lot here on LS about the "emotional roller coaster" after infidelity, and I guess I get to ride it regardless. Since I posted the other day, I have been making my arrangements to leave R. I wanted to do it quietly: get everything in place and then drop the bomb--maybe even leave while he was at work--so he could feel jolted for a change. Petty and childish? Yes, I admit it. The best-laid plans and all that.... We had both scheduled the weekend off to get the place ready for winter. Saturday was the most perfect first day of fall I could have imagined: my daughter went to the college football game with her best friend, the air was crisp, and R and I were working together and laughing the way we used to do. At one point I commented that it would have been a perfect day for baking, so he surprised me by adding ingredients for apple pie to our grocery delivery. He took a nap while I baked, and doubt crept into my mind: is leaving the right thing? Should we sit down and try to talk about it? Sunday, it all went to h***. OW invited herself over, and she wouldn't budge. She was spinning more crazy tales, this time about how her roommate is a special agent who is spying on her (he's a researcher for my daughter's school, fr crying out loud). She and R ended up being intimate on the couch while I was in the shower, then HE suggested a threesome. She walked out, but not before taking me aside and saying we needed to set boundaries. *boggles* That's when I felt something snap. My family is kind of infamous for a bad temper (it actually gave us our family name), but I usually keep it in check. This time, I let R have it. I told him where he stands with me, what I think of him, what I think of HER, and "If you're mother is about to disown you for cheating on me, imagine how she'll react when I leave!" Oops. He just stared at me in total shock for a few minutes, and then stammered, "I...I'll talk to OW...." I don't know or care if he has. I have spent the past two days swinging from raging to pain that's almost physical. I have barely slept, which isn't helping. OW so far is keeping her distance, and R is just stumbling around looking shell-shocked (and he's called me twice already this morning to say he loves me). Is this normal, or am I finally cracking up? And if it IS normal--should I move to Montana or France? (Best friend lives in Montana, but I have always wanted to go to France....) Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 NIP, Last I knew you were pretty determined to be all done with this dude and his wackjob other girlfriend. You just had to break it to your daughter. My gut says you should go back and re-read your other thread to strengthen your resolve. Maybe your polyamory idea will work with someone else but not this time. It's obviously not sitting well with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 NO you are not cracking up, you are just at the end of your ropes. Have you ever considered that you are not made to have a poly relationship? That just maybe, you need a monogamous one? FYI...I have been to Montana and it is beautiful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotInProvence Posted September 25, 2012 Author Share Posted September 25, 2012 For the record, poly was his idea, not mine. I thought I could be open-minded, but yeah--strict monogamy for me. My daughter is heartbroken, so maybe that is why I am feeling weak. I think re-reading that other thread is a good idea! Yes, my friend sends me pictures frequently. I could always start there and then go to France. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 Well then give your little girl hug and start saving!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 I'm so sorry to see this ride still bringing you pain. In the end all you learned is that this little "experiment" has failed. Can it be undone? Can "R" go back to monogomy? Will he just turn his OW into an underground affair? I think there are a few more rough twists to this ride left ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotInProvence Posted September 26, 2012 Author Share Posted September 26, 2012 Underwater2010, that's just what I did! Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotInProvence Posted September 26, 2012 Author Share Posted September 26, 2012 GLDheart, that's what I am afraid of--especially since I know it will take me a bit to save money. Wish my girl had an apartment instead of a dorm; I would crash with her! My biggest fear is that I will let him reel me back in before I can relocate. I am trying to learn all the "tricks" from reading here so I can keep my eyes open for them. I think this place will go a long way to help me stay strong. I should probably look into IC as well. R does not believe in therapy so couples counseling won't happen. Eh, it's time to fix me anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotInProvence Posted September 26, 2012 Author Share Posted September 26, 2012 Actually, I am looking at a place across town JUST so I can get out of here. I know the rest has to wait, but it's a goal to keep my spirits up. Given that I was supporting the whole household for some time, my savings account is tapped. (i have exactly twenty-five cents to my name. ) It will take one or two months to save up for a security deposit, and that is just long enough to worry me. Hmm...if I can find a bird-sitter, I could move into the YWCA for a few months! Then I could move out when I get paid on Monday...hmmm. Time to ask around. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 Forgive me if I missed something but what about R paying for you surgery? If it is as important as you say, maybe you should just put up with the whole mess until after he pays the hospital bills. Christ, you've earned something for staying in the middle of such a screwed-up relationship. You should look up "gaslighting" and see how much it applies to what's going on in your relationship. When someone you care about and live with tells you the sky is green over and over again, you start to believe that you don't know the difference between blue and green. It doesn't sound like you believe in this poly crap but he was able to make you believe it was "normal" so he could have his cake and eat it too. Time to shake the cobwebs and live by your own moral standard. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotInProvence Posted September 28, 2012 Author Share Posted September 28, 2012 Yeah, I need my jaw rebuilt after an accident. I decided I would rather work overtime and pay for it myself than feel like I was using someone. Not to mention, I need to get away from the crazy! I will read up on gas lighting because yeah...something tells me it fits. Link to post Share on other sites
Hawaii50 Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Go someplace warmer!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotInProvence Posted September 28, 2012 Author Share Posted September 28, 2012 Um, I hate heat.... My best friend's sister lives on Oahu, and she made the same suggestion! Link to post Share on other sites
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