Direct correlation between narcassism, verbal/emtional abuse & Infidelity

[ComingInHot]

Because my question may overlap different topics, I wasn't sure where to post this...

 

Some of you who read this will recognize me from the infidelity forum ( I kind of hope nobody who has gotten to know me over there reads this & thinks poorly of me) but here goes.

My husband has always been a "hot-head" At least this came to light after our marriage and after our son was about 6 months old. He was the PERFECT boyfriend & fiance. But I'm not perfect I always just seemed to "make" him sooo mad. I would NEVER do anything intentionally to upset him but I'm not perfect and once in a while I wouldn't get everything done that I was supposed to.

When he'd get angry, he would always manage to make everything my fault. I alas felt so bad for getting him angry.

This went on and increased as we had another child and grew our family and started our company. The intensity increased as well. It is almost surreal the way he tantrums and screams and demeans me.

Then he cheated. I looked into counseling but he refused to go saying he knows what his problem is as simply won't do it again. I attempted to talk to him about IC to address his anger management issues to which he replied, "well, if you didn't make me so mad I wouldn't have to be this way".

At least his A opened my eyes to know that for the pat 14 yrs I have been used as a "punching bag" for his emotional release and I try w/more success to not accept his bologna.

I looked up anger management and came upon narcassism. Everyone characteristic was dead on w/my husband.

We are trying to reconcile and he has been open/transparent in everything but still won't do counseling ( see reason above). Our kids are getting older & this morning for example, husband asked about adding ANOTHER weekend of a particular sport he loves to the calendar. All I did was ask him to open up the month of October so I could get a better picture of what everything looked like to make sure the kids received quality time w/him too and he immediately became tense. I don't feel this was wrong of me and I explained how much I supported him and always want him to enjoy playing his sport as well I want the kids to have family time w/him as well.

The next thing I know, he his pacing, growling, swearing, telling me that I really don't have THAT much to do and I suck at prioritizing etc ( which of course is NOT true, I've even succomed to writing down everything I do so I have a defense when he asks), to then SCREAMING at our 9 year old daughter ( who adores him) over not putting socks on before coming down to breakfast. I just tried to get us all out of there before he could do any more harm verbally and deal w/his craziness w/out the kids overhearing.

In the car, my daughter asked me why I didn't defend her? I explained that my number one priority was to extricate her from the bad environment and that I would most definetely address w/Daddy, his behavior. She knows I will. In the meantime, my son says, "Mom, if sis & I agree would you consider leaving Dad? I am sick of how he yes at us?"!!! He's 12... I told him I consider often whether or not it would be better to have us come from a broken home rather than live in one. We prayed together before school, for Daddy and helping him then I got in the car and cried.

Husband called me a bit later and asked in a smirky voice, "so, you think the kids will remember their socks tomorrow?" All I could think of was, NO BUT THEY'LL REMEMBER YOU BEING HORRID... I went off on him explaining that however good his intentions were to teach them responsibility, his behavior was abhorent and damaging. It's lie he doesn't hear me except when he ha those moments of clarity but then he rationalizes how he would NEVER act this way if WE or whomever to blame didn't make him...

 

Sorry so long... QUESTION: Is his narcassism part of why he is SO abusive and is his abuse how he mainais his narcissism and w/both is that why he could justify his cheating?

 

I am so humiliated to even be here asking. If any of you takes the time to even read this mess, Thank You*

[beenburned]

It really doesn't matter what causes his problem.

 

You and the kids need to leave for all of your benefit!

 

Nobody should have to live with being abused. Emotional abuse usually turns into physical abuse!

 

Put together a plan to make it happen.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Oh good lord that's your question? Who cares?

 

Quit trying to rationalize this man's irrational behavior and do whats best for you and your children no matter the deep seated issues he has. The answer to your question is completely irrelevant to what you need to do.

[WhatASituation]

I agree with What. No man, should do this to any woman. He's got serious issues and I fear the abuse will get worse and become physical. You don't deserve this and you should plan your "escape".

 

I wish the very best for you OP.

[carhill]

QUESTION: Is his narcissism part of why he is SO abusive and is his abuse how he maintains his narcissism and w/both is that why he could justify his cheating?

From NIH:

Narcissistic personality disorder

 

Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition in which people have an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with themselves.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

 

The causes of this disorder are unknown. An overly sensitive personality and parenting problems may affect the development of this disorder.

 

Symptoms

 

A person with narcissistic personality disorder may:

• React to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation
  
• Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
  
• Have excessive feelings of self-importance
  
• Exaggerate achievements and talents
  
• Be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
  
• Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
  
• Need constant attention and admiration
  
• Disregard the feelings of others, and have little ability to feel empathy
  
• Have obsessive self-interest
  
• Pursue mainly selfish goals
  

 

 

--------------------------

 

 

Personally, while finding a 'reason' can help to rationalize an out of control environment, I'd move to address the specific behaviors in a healthy way. My bet is that there is another side to the 'hot-head' which impelled you to become attracted to him, love him and marry him and it is that side which keeps you in the game despite his infidelity and inappropriate behavior.

 

 

 

I would suggest individual counseling to separate out the issues and learn tools to live more healthily in the current environment while you decide next steps.

 

 

 

Unless he's been diagnosed with a personality disorder/mental defect by a professional, it's purely speculative as to what his condition is. The environment is apparently toxic for yourself and your children so that would be what I would focus on. My sympathies and good luck.

[ComingInHot]

Carhill:

Exactly what prompted my post*

[BetrayedH]

CIH, I wish you could hear yourself in this post. The "You made me angry" thing is straight out of the abusers handbook. And even you are repeating that mantra for him. "If I had only..." He has you shifting the blame for his behavior onto yourself. Nonsense.

 

If your kids are asking you to leave their father, that's a pretty big red flag. His refusal to address his behavior is another. Your refusal to address his behavior is a third.

 

Sometimes having two happy parents in separate households is better than having two unhappy parents in the same household. You are doing no favors to your children by keeping them there and they're trying to tell you the exact same thing.

 

And I certainly don't think anything less of you for this post. To be brief, you feel stuck. That sucks to be sure. I simply hope you change your situation because your H sure isn't going to do it on his own.

[BetrayedH]

Carhill:

Exactly what prompted my post*

 

Keep reading and you'll likely find that there is no cure for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The solution is to escape.

[carhill]

It is possible that focused therapy and/or medications can mitigate some of the more profound symptoms but, generally, one will be in recovery for the rest of their life, just like found with other addictive behaviors. Here the addiction is the id. All services the id. That's a tough row to hoe, if accurate.

 

When I was younger I used to think/feel that such people could be 'cured' with enough love and care and empathy but found, through sometimes difficult life experience with numerous examples, those thoughts and feelings to be misguided. Now I see them as walking a different path. I don't have the shoes for it and accept that.

 

OP, to be perfectly honest, I didn't put that all together until going through MC with my now exW (NPD has nothing to do with her). The introspection the psychologist impelled with our work brought me to the answers. Once my role and motivations in the process was understood, new choices could be made to better respect the desired path.

[ComingInHot]

BetrayedH:

O

Ah Man, you read the thread...

I TOTALLY KNOW it's right out of the abusive person handbook! I tell him that whenever he "loses" it. Even tell him that he should be smart enough to know this & at least try something more original to at least show his creativity and make me work to figure it out!

He admits to being abusive then, of course, rationalizes and justifies it. Again, right out of the manual.

I guess, I just believe people can change if they want to. He's got two GREAT reasons to change ( and I'm not so bad myself)**. I know I can't change him.

I also believe people are born w/a predisposition towards certain behaviors. I tend to want to please everyone and have everyone like me. Ergo, my boundary setting and constant evaluating of my behavior , patterns and relationships. When I was young I would fall in & out of love every other week. I new when I decided to get married I could not allow friendships w/men and let any flattery/flirtations lead to me "wanting" them.

 

My daughter is like me in that we are ferociously committed to the people we love and end up being the glue that hold relationships together. My son asked her today if she would be willing to let dad have time on his own to decide if our family was worth changing for. She venemantly said NO, she couldn't allow daddy to be left alone. I get that & let her know that I don't believe in giving up or the "d" word but added unless he touches me in a violent way.

Problem is, he's too smart for that.

EVERYTING and I do mean everything we have and do is wrapped up w/in each other. Our Company, our home, our assets our accounts ... And it just makes it so very difficult to find an escape. The one time I said I was done and was packed in the car w/kids he said he would ruin me financially and I'd never see the kids again. I said, with the personal depositions from others it wouldn't happen. Kicker here is that he told his OW that this exactly what I would do to him so he needed time to get things in order. Never happened as I think it could have been bull to keep her a smidge longer...

I AM SMARTER THAN THIS!!! It really makes me angry that I know exactly the advice I would give out then actually hear the grotesque rationalizations that come out of my own mouth, ie; He controls whether the company thrives or dies, I have put everything into the company, no savings, no place to go. I'M AN IDIOT. and I'm scared. And now thank you me very little... I'm crying...

[B00ska]

I am going to take a stab at this one.

 

Yes you are referring to a revolving door.

My opinion is that he is reacting from guilt and a lack of self control/responsibility of his actions. In the event that he actually took the time to sit down and recognize that he is driving himself crazy first then others.. maybe he would wake up.

 

Unfortunately, it is easy for children to not take a parent seriously when yelling goes on. They shut down and block it out. I would suggest a neutral territory for you to play on in your behavior. By showing no reaction, the H doesn't obtain his benefit of feeling like he is in control. Also the children will learn that they should do as asked regardless of how they are asked. This is vital to differentiate as adults. They will continue to encounter difficult people throughout life and must learn to show respect and happiness within self regardless of another person's behavior.

 

We both know, you can't change him. But... by changing yourself he will adjust. When a behavior change is involved, another person typically responds in several ways. They will get angry, turn their backs or try additional forms of manipulation. All of which will be a mute point if you maintain a neutral frame of mind and response.

 

In reading your post, it seems that expectations are in question.

You have expectations of how you see things going.

The kids have expectations of how they see things going.

He has expectations of how he wants to see things going.

 

If he can not make you a priority, you can not make him make you a priority. There's nothing better then going on about your day and doing what you need to do for yourself and the children and allowing him to make his own choices. I learn this from experience. Example, the other day my H was acting out because I upset him. He wanted to leave to go release frustrations. Instead of taking the typical response of NO.. blah blah. I said OK. Then go. He didn't go. Because having permission wasn't as fun as me being upset behind it. I deal with tantrums as well. I understand them all to well. So........ deal with them as you would with a child. Turn your back to it. One can't put on a show if they don't have an audience! Please don't take this response as demeaning. I more then understand your position. He is using his anger to control you. and he is using that anger as a justification for his behavior.

[Stillgrowing]

I totally get why THAT was your question. I've been living with someone just like your husband for 23 years. My dd's have said they think we should separate but before doing so I had a need to validate that it REALLY wasn't me, that it was a sickness because when you live with that mental abuse and manipulation day after day, month after month, year after year, you really and truly start to doubt yourself. Look up BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. Get your ducks in a row and get the hell out...now if I could just take my advice a little faster and easier than I'm giving it out.

 

sg

[BetrayedH]

BetrayedH:

O

Ah Man, you read the thread...

I TOTALLY KNOW it's right out of the abusive person handbook! I tell him that whenever he "loses" it. Even tell him that he should be smart enough to know this & at least try something more original to at least show his creativity and make me work to figure it out!

He admits to being abusive then, of course, rationalizes and justifies it. Again, right out of the manual.

I guess, I just believe people can change if they want to. He's got two GREAT reasons to change ( and I'm not so bad myself)**. I know I can't change him.

I also believe people are born w/a predisposition towards certain behaviors. I tend to want to please everyone and have everyone like me. Ergo, my boundary setting and constant evaluating of my behavior , patterns and relationships. When I was young I would fall in & out of love every other week. I new when I decided to get married I could not allow friendships w/men and let any flattery/flirtations lead to me "wanting" them.

 

My daughter is like me in that we are ferociously committed to the people we love and end up being the glue that hold relationships together. My son asked her today if she would be willing to let dad have time on his own to decide if our family was worth changing for. She venemantly said NO, she couldn't allow daddy to be left alone. I get that & let her know that I don't believe in giving up or the "d" word but added unless he touches me in a violent way.

Problem is, he's too smart for that.

EVERYTING and I do mean everything we have and do is wrapped up w/in each other. Our Company, our home, our assets our accounts ... And it just makes it so very difficult to find an escape. The one time I said I was done and was packed in the car w/kids he said he would ruin me financially and I'd never see the kids again. I said, with the personal depositions from others it wouldn't happen. Kicker here is that he told his OW that this exactly what I would do to him so he needed time to get things in order. Never happened as I think it could have been bull to keep her a smidge longer...

I AM SMARTER THAN THIS!!! It really makes me angry that I know exactly the advice I would give out then actually hear the grotesque rationalizations that come out of my own mouth, ie; He controls whether the company thrives or dies, I have put everything into the company, no savings, no place to go. I'M AN IDIOT. and I'm scared. And now thank you me very little... I'm crying...

 

Sorry, I don't come to this forum very often. Things were slow today. I should probably allow you a diversity of opinions.

 

That said, I really hope you understand that I don't blame you for staying one bit. What I think you are doing is processing. I am not big on "goals." Sounds strange perhaps but what I strive for instead is continuous improvement. To be brief, you don't have to be at the end goal today. Your situation is complex. You have children and a husband that you would probably say is remorseful in his own way. You shouldn't be quick to act. You should probably analyze your choices pretty darn well. I support you 100% with what you are doing and you should quit beating yourself up. This isn't easy to figure out at all. It's hard to stay and it's hard to leave. Don't push yourself and by the way, who the hell cares what I think anyway?

 

Do me a favor and do something kind for yourself today. You've been at this daily for a while now. Sit on the porch during sunset, spend an etra 5 minutes with the kids just enjoying them, or kick everyone out of your room and read a book.

[ComingInHot]

Thanks for the replies.

Had to step out & help w/homework* and then everything else that goes w/being a Mom, Wife etc... I LOVE being w/my chit'lins!!

 

I think from the responses, that my question was answered. I wish it were then just as easy to change what is happening around me.

 

Do you ever just feel Tired? Some days I just feel that way and think, I am way too young too feel this tired. Like... I don't know, today?!!?!

 

I know life is difficult & I'm honestly NOT whining ( k. Maybe a little)

I believe I am looking for ways that I can help support change and we can live " happily ever after" sigh...**

[whichwayisup]

He's not going to change. He's a narcissist!

 

Wow, your kids are wonderful and smart. They know things aren't normal, nor healthy so please, DO look into family counselling and think about packing up and leaving. Get a divorce. talk to a lawyer too..

 

Your husband IS abusive and he will continue to get worse as times goes on.

 

Sorry that you're going through this.

[ComingInHot]

WhichWay:

 

I sure hope you are writing because of experience because it is something I am exploring.

 

I ask myself, " do I want my children to come from a broken home, or live IN one"?

 

I see how much my daughter adores her daddy but at what cost.

 

When things are good they are WONDERUL, but when he is unhappy be it work, kids, wife, life, it gets ugly fast. (I'm doing it again aren't I? The classic abused cycle of rationalization...)

 

I came up with a GREAT piece of advice years ago: You are going to take what you take, until you don't take it anymore. That's when you'll make something happen.

 

I have just become my own personal hypocrite haven't I...

[Stillgrowing]

No, you aren't your own personal hypocrite...you are figuring things out. You are ahead of all the women that haven't figured it out yet. I think it all takes time for some of us.

[Radagast]

Coming, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. His behaviour as described her was very similar to my ex-wife's, but your behaviour worries me more, as it is very similar to how I behaved in that marriage. Your feeling bad for making him angry, trying to get him to consider counselling and generally playing the role of peacemaker are all horribly familiar. I spent more than 30 years trying to fix my ex-wife. Like your husband, she refused to consider counselling, blamed me for everything, would rage uncontrollably at me (mostly) and the kids (occasionally, alternating with spoiling them terribly). My relationships with my extended family suffered, as did my friendships, and we became increasingly isolated. The children suffered terribly. The advantage you appear to have is that you can recognise this behaviour for what it is. I spent so long in denial, making excuses for my ex-wife's behaviour and shouldering all the blame that it took a seismic event - I had an affair - to shake me out of that. Your husband's affair has provided you with the wake-up call and you are now in a position to see things as they are and to do something about it.

 

Narcissism is extremely difficult to treat, if it is indeed that. Narcissists resist therapy, they resist admitting accountability and instead find ways to push that responsibility onto someone else. I was a co-narcissist for decades. Fortunately a good counsellor helped me to see exactly where my responsibility stopped and started, and to break free from the situation. (I am now happily remarried to my former affair partner. My children have achieved normality and lead productive, happy lives, with the normal issues young people have.)

 

You worry about your daughter who will miss her father. Please weigh that up against the needs of your son, who has told you he wants you to leave, and your own need to lead a stress-free life without walking on eggs the whole time... and the risk that remaining in such a toxic situation will have for the future relationship behaviour of both of your children, who are growing up witnessing a terrible model of what a loving relationship between adults should be. I delayed in leaving my ex-wife because of fears of the impact of that on my children (they had been traumatised by a previous separation, initiated by my ex-wife) but when I discussed the prospect with them found them open and supportive, and through family counselling (which my ex-wife refused to attend) managed the transition smoothly.

 

If you can't break free for yourself, at least try for your children's sake. I wish you the very best.

[amaysngrace]

 

I ask myself, " do I want my children to come from a broken home, or live IN one"?

 

I see how much my daughter adores her daddy but at what cost.

 

 

Ask yourself this question. "Would it be okay for your daughter to be with a man like her role model Daddy?"

 

Because that's what you're setting her up for.

[AnotherRound]

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this, as it is a complicated place to be. Your situation has complications beyond simple relationship issues, if he is in fact suffering from NPD.

 

To answer your question, yes. It could absolutely have to do with this issue. In that, people with NPD are unable to have empathy for those around them. They tend to blame others when they exhibit "bad" behaviors. Like you said, it is textbook abuser, because many people who suffer from NPD are abusive in this way to those they have relationships with. They are desperately seeking sources for their narcissistic supply, and are extremely sensitive to being "injured".

 

It's so easy to say that you need to walk away. *sigh* But, I totally get why you haven't. And yes, with the children involved, it complicates it even further. The trick would be to somehow figure out if it truly is NPD - as that would affect my reaction to it. If it is simply that he has never learned how to communicate appropriately, or has a low EQ, those things can often be improved (varies from case to case obviously). However, if it is truly NPD (which is pretty rare honestly), then the outlook is much more grim, as he simply will not be able to empathize with you or the children's feelings, ever. He may just be displaying some symptoms of NPD, and not qualify for a dx, and in that case, the answer would be to figure out which symptoms, the extent, and the cause as again, they might be able to be improved.

 

My biological father is actually dx with NPD, and it's not an easy road for kids to be raised by a truly NPD parent. However, it made me much stronger, and not that I would go back in time and want that, but I wouldn't change it now. I was hurt by it as a child, absolutely. But, it made me toughen up, develop a thick skin - yet I was able to retain my ability to empathize and understand others too. So, it actually made me more well rounded when it comes down to it. I tell you this bc I want you to see that children are VERY resilient and adaptive. Yes, this could be "damaging" them on some levels, but you might be surprised at how much they learn from it in the end, even if it is learning the hard way. It's not a guaranteed "my kid will be messed up for life".

 

If he won't go to counseling, then you are going to have to try to figure out yourself if it is truly NPD (qualifying by the DSM) or if it is simply having some symptoms of it (we ALL have some symptoms of personality disorders at different types, they have to be clinical to become an actual dx, which has a set criteria including length of time and severity and effects on several life systems). And then, I would go from there. Although, if he is refusing to attend counseling, even if it is simply symptomatic and not a true dx, then there really isn't much hope that the symptoms will decrease, as it would be difficult for him to do this on his own without professional guidance.

 

Why would you think anyone would judge you regarding this? How can anyone judge your situation except you? It's real easy to stand outside looking in and say what they think you should do or what they believe that they would do, but in real life, things are not this black and white, as is obvious with your situation. I would consider it a very complicated relationship issue, and that is going to take some time and processes to come to a good solution that works for you and your children. Please don't be too hard on yourself, as it's obvious you are doing the best you can. AND, as a mental health professional, I am going to tell you that it sounds as if you are handling the situation beautifully for you and your children, and I'm SO glad that they have you there to be clear headed and to react on their behalf in such an intelligent and emotionally healthy way!

[AnotherRound]

Ask yourself this question. "Would it be okay for your daughter to be with a man like her role model Daddy?"

 

Because that's what you're setting her up for.

 

Not necessarily. She may grow up and avoid anyone with these characteristics like the plague - this could go either way.

 

And honestly, even if her dad wasn't exhibiting these behaviors (possibly NPD), her chances would still be 50/50 of either avoiding or being attracted to. There is no set in stone outcome to these situations, and if I'm remembering correctly, studies have shown that there isn't a leaning towards being attracted or avoiding - at least not consistently enough to determine a correlation.

[amaysngrace]

Children learn by example. The key difference in repeating the pattern of behavior is that she adores her daddy.

[ComingInHot]

Radagast & Another Round:

 

I REALLY appreciate your replies, ( all who have honestly)!!

 

I think one of my "gifts" is to be able to step back & see (try to at least) the situation for what it is. I can call it out if it's right or wrong OR work through what might be a gray or muddled issue.

 

When I read replies from people who have lived what I am, I sit here & scream "YES, EXACTLY! HE DOES THAT" and I am back to is this something that I want for me & my kids. Then I get a reply from someone who has been through it & is okay, maybe even good for having lived through it and think to give up and show that to my /our children or stay and use whatever moments I can as object lessons for them because when I'm gone and life gets sucky they will know how to handle it.

 

I have asked myself how I chose my husband. My father was/is awesome ( of course has issues, who doesn't) but mostly he is amazing. Always there for me, firm but kind, spent time w/me (even when I didn't want to) to create memories & teach me & my big brothers, I think he did great! He did have angry outbursts once in a great while & when he did, we'd just give him space**

 

Husband is SOOOO different! But when he loves and gives he does so w/great passion and commitment. He works hard. He is my drama king for sure. Didn't see THAT coming because , I am supposed to be the emotional drama queen & the world revolve around me!! Lol...* Turns out I am better at being stable & logical. It's a lot less fun though.

 

Thanks guys, I guess time will be the answer for me?? I just hope it doesn't take all my time*

[FlowerofHope]

Husband called me a bit later and asked in a smirky voice, "so, you think the kids will remember their socks tomorrow?" All I could think of was, NO BUT THEY'LL REMEMBER YOU BEING HORRID... I went off on him explaining that however good his intentions were to teach them responsibility, his behavior was abhorent and damaging. It's lie he doesn't hear me except when he ha those moments of clarity but then he rationalizes how he would NEVER act this way if WE or whomever to blame didn't make him...

 

I grew up in a very hostile environment with a father who made his emotions everyone elses responsibility. I've learned from it that my emotions don't matter as long as everyone else around me is fine. This has been extremely emotionally damaging to my life.

 

I'm glad that you at least validate to your children that he is not right, as I still wonder why my mom just stood there like a statue instead of telling my father he was being unreasonable during the times that I was receiving an emotional assault for daring to forget to close a window while the air conditioning was on. We kids learned that no matter what we do, no matter how careful we are to follow every little nuance he had, we still made "mistakes" that will end up in a barrage of demoralizing comments on our personality. And it was our fault for leaving our socks out, not his fault for having an anger problem.

 

The result? I still can't relax. I'm 30 years old and everything needs to be thought of well in advance. When being screamed and demeaned can come from a tiny item out of place how can you ever break the habits of trying to foresee irrational anger being flung in your direction? Having fears that I may have forgot something, or the olives that I ate may have been something he was saving or my toast crumbs fell onto the floor.

 

I just can never relax in my own house now because I created habits to deal with HIS ANGER from the time I was born until I left their home at 17 years old. Even though my husband is the most kind and patient man who hasn't raised his voice with me, and my father has been out of my life for 13 years. Even with all the therapy I've received. I've gotten better, for sure. But I still can never relax, when I try to relax I feel fearful.

 

My situation may be a very exaggerated version of your own. But a part of me wanted to reach out to tell you my story so that you can think of the kids who are learning life lessons in your home. It's so difficult to unlearn things you grew up learning.

 

(PS: When he wasn't a demon, he was an angel. It was difficult to believe my own mind when I started to hate him for his angry outbursts. My emotions kept flipping between "I love him!" "I hate him!" and blaming myself for the things I did that *made* him become the demon.)

[ComingInHot]

And just following the "handbook", today things are just peachy and all is right w/the world. In his eyes. Back to Mr."Loving&attentive".

 

This is the roller coaster that I DON'T like to ride. I am still reeling but expected to be over it just like him.

 

Hugs & kisses and sensitivity & understanding from him during the " up word swing of the abuse cycle" (yes, I know the pattern/cycle of abuse) is what encourages me to stay, work & support keeping our family whole. I hope that this cycle will last longer and then there will be an even longer "lull" before the next. Does that make sense?

 

Hey. I've got a question... Any ideas on how to get my husband into therapy??

 

I've tried:

 

Because you cheated

Because of "family of origin"

Because of unresolved issues from prior relationships

Because I NEED it & your help w/it

For the kids