Post Engagement Blues/Stress

[ID80]

Hello,

I am new here and after reading all the great advice here, thought I will share my feelings as well. My bf proposed to me recently, and it was perfect. The next day, was quite a low, since we ended up fighting as I observed him being distant. He admitted to this and explained the issue (which was due to some family issue and not me). After that he flew out of the country for two weeks for work. The two weeks were really hard on me as I had to deal with all the family shenanigans (we are Asians, so families went kinda crazy) and I felt overwhelemed. To his credit, he would make it point to call me everyday and talk, but I really wanted him here.

 

 

We don't stay together and since he is back met a couple of times. However, he just doesnt talk about the wedding and its like I have to push him for everything. Coupled with our families pressurizing me to set a date (they will pay for the wedding), I just feel very stressed. I spoke to him about it and he just thinks I am getting hyper and that it should happen in a fun way. He is not organized at all and I know we can't leave this to the last minute. We also have to find a house to move in and a wedding to plan in Dec or Feb. And all this is getting to me. I also find him a little distant, since our talk about setting a wedding date. Our nightly ritual of talking on the phone also doesnt happen, since he is either sleeping or about to crash and is more than happy to keep the phone down.

 

I just feel there is subtle change in him and maybe he is not as enthusiastic about the wedding or anything that involves some serious planning. Or maybe I am just over-reacting!

 

A part of me also feels I need to be more relaxed (which I am not been able to for some reason) and let it play out and not push him away with my own personality (I am more organized, like planning etc).

 

The transition period is harder than I thought!

[TigerCub]

Congrats on getting engaged!!

 

** I have never been engaged or planned a wedding - just so you know**

 

Now onto the stressful stuff:

 

Have you considered that your fiance is feeling overwhelmed as well and maybe that's why he's pulling back a little?

 

It seems like he already expressed to you how he feels that the wedding and its planning should be more relaxed and not rushed and intense, but you are still pushing for him to pick a date and make plans, etc.

 

I think maybe that your panic is making him panic as well.

 

You say that you got engaged recently - how recent is that? A few months? a few weeks? a time line would help give you better insight.

 

Also, you mentioned something about a wedding on December or February? Depending on when you got engaged, that might be too soon, I don't know...

 

Also you mentioned getting married AND getting a new home -

These 2 things ALONE are very stressful, the fact that you want to do them both at the same time sounds crazy! (no offense), it just adds so much more stress to an already stressful situation.

 

So why the big rush to do the wedding AND get the house - is renting for a little while not an option at all?

 

Sorry that I asked more questions than gave answers, but these facts are kinda important to help with a useful answer

[ID80]

Thank you It has been around 25 days since the engagement. Not much I know, but I feel under a lot of stress. Also we are Hindus, and are parents want to set a date according to the religious calendar. So there are only select dates in Dec and Feb, else we will get married in 2014, which is too far off! The house is his idea. He has bought a place, but it will be ready in 5 months, till then we will move in a rented place. However, in my city its impossible to find a decent place in a short notice, so I feel it is better to start looking at rented houses as well.

 

The problem is he is always relaxed and plays everything by the ear and a last minute guy. But a wedding and a house is a different ball game. Also since my folks will be paying for the wedding, they want a clear picture and they feel I am procrastinating about the wedding, while he feels the opposite. Basically I feel caught between the two and just can't seem to enjoy this period and keep concentrating on the negatives and have become over-sensitive.

 

Also since he just came back from his trip, and there was no talk aout weddings etc right after he proposed, I feel a little let down by his lack of enthusiasm. I just feel I am more excited about the whole thing and he is just dragging his feet!

[Minka333]

At least your bf proposed. Mine wanted me to check about weddings and just matter of factly said we get married. WTF. No proposal. So romantic!

 

Maybe your bf is dealing with other issues/pressures at this time of his life. Marriage is a HUGE step and it can get overwhelming. But the mere fact that he proposed, you can at least be relieved that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Just try to be understanding and patient..he surely needs it now. Let him open up at his own pace if ever there's anything bothering him.

[ID80]

Men!!

 

Do you think I should ask him straight on if something is bothering him or shall I just let it be? He and his family is coming for a formal dinner hosted by my family, I am thinking I should wait for it to happen and then see where we stand on the date and the wedding.

 

I have a date night with tonight and don't wanna ruin it, as I know this period will never come back!

[TigerCub]

Thank you It has been around 25 days since the engagement. Not much I know, but I feel under a lot of stress. Also we are Hindus, and are parents want to set a date according to the religious calendar. So there are only select dates in Dec and Feb, else we will get married in 2014, which is too far off! The house is his idea. He has bought a place, but it will be ready in 5 months, till then we will move in a rented place. However, in my city its impossible to find a decent place in a short notice, so I feel it is better to start looking at rented houses as well.

 

The problem is he is always relaxed and plays everything by the ear and a last minute guy. But a wedding and a house is a different ball game. Also since my folks will be paying for the wedding, they want a clear picture and they feel I am procrastinating about the wedding, while he feels the opposite. Basically I feel caught between the two and just can't seem to enjoy this period and keep concentrating on the negatives and have become over-sensitive.

 

Also since he just came back from his trip, and there was no talk aout weddings etc right after he proposed, I feel a little let down by his lack of enthusiasm. I just feel I am more excited about the whole thing and he is just dragging his feet!

 

Thanks for clearing things up for me.

 

25 days is no time at all. I'm a girl and if I was proposed to I wouldn't be doing any planning so soon, it would just make me stress and panic and suck the enjoyment out of it.

 

So...I understand that due to your Hindu traditions the dates have to be either December or February, but why is it so bad to wait 1 year and get married in 2014?

 

Just a question...

 

Personally if I were in your situation that's what I would do. A lot of people are engaged for a year give or take a few months, that doesn't mean you're going to be engaged forever and that the real wedding/marriage will never come. It just means that you get more time to enjoy the engagement and you get the freedom to plan the kind of wedding you've dreamed of without the added time pressure and stress.

 

Are YOU having a problem with getting married in 2014 or are your parents?

[ID80]

All of us would hate 2014 even my fiance. But yes my folks are keen to have the wedding in December and for them even Feb is too far

 

But honestly speaking, I would also like to start this new chapter well before 2014. Given our traditional backgrounds and communities, we dont live together (we live an 1:30 mins apart) and its hard. Meeting him 3 to 4 times a week over dinner even after the engagement is no fun, as I want a more intimate setup. Where we don't have to sneak out like teens for some alone time or rent a room (that just kills the romance)!

[TigerCub]

All of us would hate 2014 even my fiance. But yes my folks are keen to have the wedding in December and for them even Feb is too far

 

But honestly speaking, I would also like to start this new chapter well before 2014. Given our traditional backgrounds and communities, we dont live together (we live an 1:30 mins apart) and its hard. Meeting him 3 to 4 times a week over dinner even after the engagement is no fun, as I want a more intimate setup. Where we don't have to sneak out like teens for some alone time or rent a room (that just kills the romance)!

 

I see. I actually thought that even though your parents are traditional and stuff, that they would still be ok with you living together because you are engaged and the wedding is being planned.

 

Yeah, I can see it being a lot more difficult that you wouldn't be living together during that whole year of planning.

 

I'm assuming that since your fiance is of the same religion and same background, he already has an understanding about how fast things do need to move, so its not like he didn't know and this is throwing him off.

 

Maybe you should just be calm and honest and tell him your concerns. I do believe that men want to help (most men at least ) as long as they aren't being nagged or yelled at (which I'm sure you don't do). If men are truly being asked for help in a clear and honest way, most would do anything to make the life of the person they love go smoother and to make them happy.

 

Give that a try and see how it goes.

[ID80]

Thank you so much for your words and understanding and not judging!

 

We can't even go on a holiday together alone before the wedding!! That is how traditional the folks can be!!

 

Had dinner with him and asked him what he wants and if there are any stresses related to work, house, wedding etc. He said he is not stressed (I believe him) and okay with both the months , but Feb would work since we can have the destination wedding we always wanted and post-honeymoon can straight away move in our own house, rather than rent a place. Made absolute sense to me, even though I just want to move in with him TODAY!

 

But he was pretty understanding and said Dec end would work as well, if that is what I really want or if my folks insist! However, I reckon only 30 days between Dec end and Feb beginning, so maybe I can convince the folks about the merits

[TigerCub]

Thank you so much for your words and understanding and not judging!

 

We can't even go on a holiday together alone before the wedding!! That is how traditional the folks can be!!

 

Had dinner with him and asked him what he wants and if there are any stresses related to work, house, wedding etc. He said he is not stressed (I believe him) and okay with both the months , but Feb would work since we can have the destination wedding we always wanted and post-honeymoon can straight away move in our own house, rather than rent a place. Made absolute sense to me, even though I just want to move in with him TODAY!

 

But he was pretty understanding and said Dec end would work as well, if that is what I really want or if my folks insist! However, I reckon only 30 days between Dec end and Feb beginning, so maybe I can convince the folks about the merits

 

That's awesome!!

You're showing that you care about his concerns too and you're showing interest in listening to him vent (if he needed to) - that's a really good trait. My bf and I really try to be there and listen to one another, so good for you for doing the same!!

 

I agree with his logic for the Feb date. It makes sense and you seem to like it too.

 

Also, you're so right about the dates not being far from one another, so try to sell that to your parents.

 

I wont tell you what to do, but if they do get all pushy about Dec. maybe you can just tell them that this is your special day and waiting 1 month to make it perfect for you and your fiance shouldn't be such a big deal - ALSO, they did suggest Feb as one of the options afterall they can't go back on that now

 

Good luck!

 

ETA: Oh, and you're very welcome

[RiverRunning]

What would a wedding for your religion/upbringing/family traditions involve? I grew up in a Christian household (now non-religious), but I don't know how drastically the traditions in your life would vary. Are you wanting something big and elaborate?

 

I realize this may not be an option for you, but we're having our wedding and the reception all in one place. Married on the dance floor, then partying there that same night. No photographer, no videographer - all family and friends helping us out there.

 

My boyfriend really didn't help pick a date either. Sensing the proposal was imminent, I started calling around to places (we had a 9ish month proposal. We're getting married in March) and there were two dates left at one venue in March (and they were offering a huge deal).

 

So I went right to him and said: "How do you feel about March 22nd?" He agreed to that and we were on our way. So, I had to take the lead and basically tell him to get him to do anything about it. There was no way in Hades he was going to offer up his own opinion in that regard.

 

Like you, I felt annoyed when we got engaged and planning for a wedding was basically dumped in my lap and my lap alone. It's definitely a problem with a lot of men.

[ID80]

What would a wedding for your religion/upbringing/family traditions involve? I grew up in a Christian household (now non-religious), but I don't know how drastically the traditions in your life would vary. Are you wanting something big and elaborate?

 

I realize this may not be an option for you, but we're having our wedding and the reception all in one place. Married on the dance floor, then partying there that same night. No photographer, no videographer - all family and friends helping us out there.

 

My boyfriend really didn't help pick a date either. Sensing the proposal was imminent, I started calling around to places (we had a 9ish month proposal. We're getting married in March) and there were two dates left at one venue in March (and they were offering a huge deal).

 

So I went right to him and said: "How do you feel about March 22nd?" He agreed to that and we were on our way. So, I had to take the lead and basically tell him to get him to do anything about it. There was no way in Hades he was going to offer up his own opinion in that regard.

 

Like you, I felt annoyed when we got engaged and planning for a wedding was basically dumped in my lap and my lap alone. It's definitely a problem with a lot of men.

 

We epitomize the big fat Indian wedding. 500 plus people (including relatives) and at least 4 functions.

 

So there will be a traditional girl henna ceremony with dancing/drinks/dinner for 200 peoples at least held by my family.

 

Then a cocktail night which is basically a DJ night with loads of drinks and partying and from the groom side.

 

Then the actual wedding which is completely traditional and according to our scriptures. This is held by the girls side of family and is a lavish affair with at least 500 people as guests.

 

Then the final is the reception which again is a lavish affair and held by the boy side.

 

And before all the craziness there are small pre-wedding nights which immediate families and friends gather at the bride or groom house for dinner!

 

To avoid all this craziness me and fiance have decided to hold a destination wedding which will be a two day affair and with half the guests!

 

Or just elope to Vegas

[ID80]

However, I must say he has finally woken up and realized that we need to get our act together because its **** load of planning!