So much there..

[B00ska]

I came to this forum to lurk and gain a bit of perspective in regards to my relationship.

It's a complicated mess/love story.

We started this story both wrapping up divorces and not taking things too seriously. After a couple of months we moved in together. The lack of foundation led me to react based on insecurities. He started cosmetology school and the attention he got was overwhelming. I trusted nothing, and so I took it upon myself to go else where for attention. At the time, I thought the relationship would fall to the wayside and took it as such. Sadly, after that... I realized just how much I was already with the person who I wanted. I fessed up and then.... all hell broke loose. Quietly at first.

We then started the drive down payback road. It was this girl, then that girl. He fessed up to "show me how it felt". I took all this while going crazy in my head and heart from guilt/hurt/resentment/regret... in the meantime, I lost everything. My job, vehicle, place to live. We went to stay with my parents. In that meantime, he quit cosmetology school because of all the chaos previously mentioned. Then started in welding school... we stayed together through him finishing school despite not having our place to live.

He finished school and I found another job.. but nothing really came together for us. I was insecure, he was insecure. We were taking out stress on each other. That continued on for another 4 months or so.

I managed to hold on to my new job and he continued to look for work. Frustrated, he didn't find work and we weren't getting along or having space to work on us... things fell apart more. I never went elsewhere again after the fess up I did long prior to this, yet I don't know if he ever stopped. Halloween of last year, he pocket dialed me and I overheard things he was saying to his daughter's mother and I called it quits. He left but we never really went NC. Only for a week at a time then at most a month (once). I knew he was seeing other women and we were still intimate. Since neither of us had our own place we didn't have an opportunity to work things out, and our attitudes were so horrible towards each other because of various reasons. After 8 months of that, I went on vacation and while gone suddenly realized just how much I needed to get right and try to fix things before the opportunity wasn't available. Of course my friends and family don't understand. Love is Love.

I got a new place this summer and we are working to reconcile. I find out about a female he was seeing around the time I went on vacation. I saw him textiing her and asked questions and finally got the truth. He stopped communicating with her... then a month or so later I found out he had called her again. I flipped out and he left for a week. I finally spoke to her and she had the same conversation piece as he told me.. so maybe they aren't lying that it was just a "closure conversation" (she's the crazy type to cry prego and not be, etc. etc.). It's hard to say.

Here I am... a month or so later.. and I find myself questioning everything. He adds a female to facebook and I melt. Yet I have lots of male friends. I started the whole domino effect with my actions... and I took that punishment. I don't know how to resolve my insecurities to truly give this a chance.

Yes I know.. get it together. I'm working on that. Ideas on how I can bring spark back and replace the animosity that creeps in?

Edited September 25, 2012 by B00ska

[BetrayedH]

I came to this forum to lurk and gain a bit of perspective in regards to my relationship.

It's a complicated mess/love story.

We started this story both wrapping up divorces and not taking things too seriously. After a couple of months we moved in together. The lack of foundation led me to react based on insecurities. He started cosmetology school and the attention he got was overwhelming. I trusted nothing, and so I took it upon myself to go else where for attention. At the time, I thought the relationship would fall to the wayside and took it as such. Sadly, after that... I realized just how much I was already with the person who I wanted. I fessed up and then.... all hell broke loose. Quietly at first.

We then started the drive down payback road. It was this girl, then that girl. He fessed up to "show me how it felt". I took all this while going crazy in my head and heart from guilt/hurt/resentment/regret... in the meantime, I lost everything. My job, vehicle, place to live. We went to stay with my parents. In that meantime, he quit cosmetology school because of all the chaos previously mentioned. Then started in welding school... we stayed together through him finishing school despite not having our place to live.

He finished school and I found another job.. but nothing really came together for us. I was insecure, he was insecure. We were taking out stress on each other. That continued on for another 4 months or so.

I managed to hold on to my new job and he continued to look for work. Frustrated, he didn't find work and we weren't getting along or having space to work on us... things fell apart more. I never went elsewhere again after the fess up I did long prior to this, yet I don't know if he ever stopped. Halloween of last year, he pocket dialed me and I overheard things he was saying to his daughter's mother and I called it quits. He left but we never really went NC. Only for a week at a time then at most a month (once). I knew he was seeing other women and we were still intimate. Since neither of us had our own place we didn't have an opportunity to work things out, and our attitudes were so horrible towards each other because of various reasons. After 8 months of that, I went on vacation and while gone suddenly realized just how much I needed to get right and try to fix things before the opportunity wasn't available. Of course my friends and family don't understand. Love is Love.

I got a new place this summer and we are working to reconcile. I find out about a female he was seeing around the time I went on vacation. I saw him textiing her and asked questions and finally got the truth. He stopped communicating with her... then a month or so later I found out he had called her again. I flipped out and he left for a week. I finally spoke to her and she had the same conversation piece as he told me.. so maybe they aren't lying that it was just a "closure conversation" (she's the crazy type to cry prego and not be, etc. etc.). It's hard to say.

Here I am... a month or so later.. and I find myself questioning everything. He adds a female to facebook and I melt. Yet I have lots of male friends. I started the whole domino effect with my actions... and I took that punishment. I don't know how to resolve my insecurities to truly give this a chance.

Yes I know.. get it together. I'm working on that. Ideas on how I can bring spark back and replace the animosity that creeps in?

 

Yes, I have an idea. Get the spark back with someone else. It is ridiculously difficult to heal from cheating. Add cheating by the other person and it is exponentially more difficult. Both people have to do crazy rebuilding of trust and do it for someone that they don't trust. It's crazy-making and crazy-difficult. Sadly, neither of you seem to be mature enough for a committed relationship right now. You have to do better than that or your efforts will be a waste of time.

 

You're not married and have no children together. Move on.

 

In the meanime, go to therapy to figure out why you are a cheater. The logical, healthy, respectful, and ethical thing to do is to either fix your relationship or leave it. Why did you choose door #3? Excessive need for external validation? An over-enhanced sense of entitlement? Severe conflict-avoidance? Find out your "why" so you don't repeat this same behavior in a future relationship when you are unhappy (being unhappy for some period is always going to happen).

[B00ska]

I wouldn't expect there to be much more point of view beyond what I have stated so I understand the response. Please realize that only the bad is represented here and not a well balanced viewpoint of the entirety of the relationship. I only presented the meat of the issues for basis sake.

 

The choice for door #3 was a "you gotta get before you get got". After 3 years of contemplation, I'd say this one is resolved.

 

Yes, getting emotions under control is the priority, and those things are being addressed as we are going to counseling. It's interesting how much of the things that happened between us were caused because of past baggage being taken out on each other.

 

Moving on is an option, but one that neither of us is willing to take.

So the question is not about splitting up, it's about outside perspective from a safe environment (such as this) to help stimulate ideas of positive action.