Would you 'settle' to avoid being single or having to start again?

[Scarlett5]

Have any of you ever compromised on a partner and/or found yourself in a long term relationship/marriage just because it's progressed naturally and you've enjoyed the benefits?

 

For example…..you have had/are in a long term relationship, you have enjoyed the lifestyle of being part of that couple, how it’s enabled you to have great holidays, to study/progress in your career (for example) with the support (emotional/financial) of your other half, to buy a house as there are two of you, kept you from being single when your friends are all coupled up, to have sex pretty much whenever you want it, and to give you the security of possibly getting married and having children in the future. Or maybe you have already married/had children with this person.

 

Maybe you've stayed purposely just in case you couldn’t/can’t find someone ‘better’. Better, of course, would take on a different meaning for each individual, depending on their needs.

 

Maybe you’ve always known but have pushed to the back of your mind that your heart is not 100% in it, or maybe it’s taken a significant event to make you realise, or to bring this reality to the front of your mind.

 

If this is you, what has made you realise? Why have you stayed in this relationship? And if you have left this relationship, why did you do so and what has life been like since?

 

I think this seems to be true of so many of the couples around me and I find it so sad. It seems that the worst case scenario for many people is being single, and so they end up with the wrong person as a result. I also think it’s a reason why some people get married and don’t value their vows enough to stay faithful…or are cheating before they even make it down the aisle.

 

I’d love to hear any related stories you’d like to share

[tom3.1415]

When I was married I felt like that, we were headed in different directions and I wasn't 100% into it anymore. But the idea of doing the whole divorce thing was too much. So was the idea of causing my wife lots of pain and disappointment.

But it turned out she wanted a divorce eventually because of financial problems. I do miss her but it really is a huge relief to be out of the relationship. Anyone I've ever met who claims to have been in a similar situation has always been glad they left.

They almost always end up meeting someone who they connect with much better.

 

At first I did tons of dating and felt like I had to get right back into a serious relationship. I was again almost willing to settle. Eventually I felt being single was ok and don't have the need to force anything.

 

I no longer understand the fear of being single. I really enjoy it and have actually had to work hard to remain single. In other words I've been in relationships where my partner wanted to get serious but I felt it wasn't a good long-term match so I express that. Of course some have broken up with me also. The point is that many single people do not remain single for long. It's just the uncertainty that makes people uncomfortable.

But if you relax and flow with the river it will take you right were you want to go.

[AnotherRound]

Agreed with the above. 10 years ago, I would have settled... and did in my former marriage. I had been brainwashed by society that you work out a marriage NO MATTER WHAT. What the elders forgot to tell me though, is that if the two people in the relationship are NOT compatible, there is no "working it out". It's about as effective as beating a dead horse.

 

So now? I have been single, off an on, since my divorce in 2001. I LOVE it. There are times I sort of wish I had a SO, to watch a movie with, or someone to help take out the trash or something - but that doesn't happen often, and I do enjoy my freedom to do as I please, the way I want and when I want - not having to consider someone else on every single decision. And, just living by myself... as someone with OCD, this is a BIG plus for me, and in all honesty, will probably be hard to give up if I ever decide to get into a more permanent arrangement with someone.

 

I look back now at my marriage and divorce, and it truly was the BEST decision that I ever made for myself. I was already miserable in it - throwing away another 50 years to it wasn't going to change that, bc the base problem was that we were not a good fit, we brought out the worst in one another, we were not connecting. I don't think we ever could have in that we are SO different, just too many really big differences to "overcome".

 

So, I don't always know exactly what I want, but through experience have learned to identify what I don't want very clearly. My dealbreaker's list is very clear, and non-negotiable, and that keeps me single, but I much prefer to be single and content than to be in a relationship that I'm "settling" with for comfort/convenience and miserable.

[martinhengri]

Do you really want a boyfriend? It doesn't sound as though you do, and there's nothing wrong with that. Some people are simply not interested in love or sex but, unfortunately, we are all so bombarded by sexually-charged messages it is easy to feel you are the odd one out.

[Silly_Girl]

I settled. I allowed myself to be convinced I could do no better... DESERVED no better. I believe I will never be in that position again. In fact how I've behaved since then proves, for me, I wouldn't. It happens to so many people, and it's so hard to learn by other people's mistakes.

[Got it]

I did which is why I married my ex. My priorities were different then and safety and security were more important than anything else.

 

Now? No I would not settle and if I was afraid of being alone I would address that. One should be okay with being alone and the partnership is the icing on the cake.

[prissy459]

Did any of you who left, had kids? Did you feel the need to stay because of the kids or was it harder to leave?

 

I'm in a similar situation as Im not sure if there is anything that can help my marriage get better or if it will get better or if I'm wasting my time or if Im just going through a mid life crisis Just very confused.

 

I, am scared to be alone, with children. Scared it will be hard.

[Hawaii50]

Nope, I've been very practical. Almost to a "dexter" degree.

[Hawaii50]

I've worked very hard and have made many sacrifices, I'm also pretty modest naturally. But I'm not going to settle or fall for talkers/works in progress/over-bagged/small minded or anything I'm not looking for. I'm very open to just about anything. I would just like someone I find beautiful, and is/can be independent (has job/aquired assets [education applies.]) And be a little hippy, because I like a more natural lifestyle.

 

I'm not going to settle with someone who is going to add stress to my life, I'd rather not have her at all. It needs to be mutually nurturing and passionate, as well as practical and deliberate. I think with the right person, we'll be able to do anything..

[AnotherRound]

I've worked very hard and have made many sacrifices, I'm also pretty modest naturally. But I'm not going to settle or fall for talkers/works in progress/over-bagged/small minded or anything I'm not looking for. I'm very open to just about anything. I would just like someone I find beautiful, and is/can be independent (has job/aquired assets [education applies.]) And be a little hippy, because I like a more natural lifestyle.

 

I'm not going to settle with someone who is going to add stress to my life, I'd rather not have her at all. It needs to be mutually nurturing and passionate, as well as practical and deliberate. I think with the right person, we'll be able to do anything..

 

The "little bit hippy" thing made me laugh... I am a "little bit hippy" and not all guys appreciate that, that's for sure! Especially not here in the midwest in the middle of the bible belt. A LOT of farmer boys, who are mostly good guys, but they are seriously suspicious of anything "hippy"... lol

[Hawaii50]

The "little bit hippy" thing made me laugh... I am a "little bit hippy" and not all guys appreciate that, that's for sure! Especially not here in the midwest in the middle of the bible belt. A LOT of farmer boys, who are mostly good guys, but they are seriously suspicious of anything "hippy"... lol

 

 

 

I NEED a little hippy, nothing over 50% ( i claim 49%).. more than 50 and you have to take account hygiene, employment, and general intelligence Nothing sexier than a free spirit And I'm a garden at heart, cultivating my own happiness is my responsibility, and am actively looking!

 

Puna,Hawaii, where I live (when I'm not working overseas) is probably one of the most thrown-back locations in the US, and thank god not the Continental US. It is a hippy Meca! Nothing but 2nd/3rd generation dead-heads.

[Hawaii50]

... which has it's up and downs. hippies can be parasitical : / ironic as that is.

[hardlybreathing]

I actually love being married! And, I've been single for years, but truly, I love the bond, the sharing, the excitement and having my best friend by my side. Nothing in my single life compares with being married. Oh yeah, I get to come and go as I please, see who I want, do what I want, but it's just a bandaide for me - I much prefer being married, so is that settling? I don't care if it is - I would much prefer that type of settling rather than being single. Just my preference.

[AnotherRound]

The above post makes me curious--why is it/how is it that some basic incompatibility issue doesn't come to light until AFTER the marriage? What types of things tends to remain "hidden" during the courtship, and why?

 

I can only speak for myself on this one, but for me, it WAS there. But we were young, and in love, and I had only had one serious relationship before him, as he had before me. We honestly thought that love would conquer it all. That bc we loved each other, we could overcome anything. Many people told us it wouldn't work, which made us just want to prove them wrong - bc our love! lol We learned very quickly, love was only one tiny little bit to the whole successful outcome thing. And in our case, wasn't nearly enough to overcome all of the differences - MAJOR differences. And, we were young enough that we weren't quite sure who we were just yet. We had a pretty good idea, but there were still some changes in store. I was 19 and he was 20 when we started dating, so, young!

 

And, we had been together for 4 years prior to marrying, it just seemed like the next logical step. We didn't want to break up - yet, lol. I won't make the mistake again, guaranteed. I can love someone now, and KNOW that I can't be with them. It's not easy, but at least I'm not getting legally bound to them and that whole mess! My exH however didn't learn his lesson. He is on his 3rd marriage now - and it appears that the last one ended for the same kind of reasons...

[AnotherRound]

Now this is a comment that I just don't understand and if you can explain it I would appreciate it greatly.

 

I understand being "smitten" or infatuated the first time you ever see a person--instant chemistry, and I understand perhaps fantasizing about having a relationship with the person, getting married, and so on.

 

But HOW could you possibly know the first split second --how could anyone know--that you would want to spend your whole LIFE with that person? No matter how attracted and infatuated and turned on you were

 

 

Here again I would appreciate some explanation--it seems to me if two people are really "meant for each other"--especially if one of them is completely smitten from the beginning--then a courtship phase that is as long as several years to me indicates "problems" of a pretty serious nature in the relationship. This is not just for your situation, but a general observation on my part.

 

People generally "know" whether they want to get married within a year or two of serious/exclusive dating/living together. Certainly by three years on the outside. The fact that you did NOT get married for six years would suggest to me that one or the other or perhaps both were either not sufficiently attracted to each other or perhaps simply not motivated sufficiently to a lifetime relationship as you might want to think you both were.

 

A woman who REALLY loves her man, wants to have kids, will PRESSURE him (subtly or not so subtly) to get married after a couple of years if that's what she really wants, unless she is radically atypical socially speaking. This would even include women who consider themselves pretty strong feminists. They start dropping "hints" and if the hints aren't picked up on they start laying down what are more or less ultimatums--that is, if it's what THEY want.

 

On the other hand, if it's the type of woman who thinks the grass is always greener, she will always be fantasizing about something better crossing her doorstep one day. She will not want to commit, or will be much more hesitant, and when she does finally commit, it will be half-hearted--due to a biological clock--or family or social pressure--but, like the OP, will feel that she is "just settling." And when problems crop up as they inevitably do, she will tend to blame her dissatisfaction not on herself, but on the marriage and her husband....

 

 

 

 

 

If she was the one who left you, the reality is there is a good chance she had an affair. Women with children simply don't up and leave their husbands (assuming you are at least average, non abusive, not a deadbeat) unless someone else is waiting in the wings.

 

If she actually went so far as to take your children away from you by moving to another state, assuming it wasn't forced by some special circumstances, I would question whether she ever really loved you at all.

 

 

 

 

 

Hopefully not too far from Chicago and moved in with relatives rather than another man. But she isn't much of a wife or mother if she thought it appropriate to make it very difficult for you to have access to your kids.

 

 

 

 

Once a woman actually moves out the way your wife did, in their minds, the marriage has probably already been over for years already. You can't get her back because she mentally left the marriage a long time before you even knew about it. Women like your wife--walkaway wives--never tell their husbands what's on their minds when they do this kind of stuff.

 

 

 

 

Maybe your wife isn't the prize that you idealized her as from the very beginning. You fantasized and decided from the first time you ever saw her that you wanted to be with her forever even though you knew NOTHING about her CHARACTER. And that's almost always a huge mistake.

 

From the very beginning, she probably knew that you idealized her and you were the chaser, she was the chase-ee. She could be as selfish as she wanted and never had to give as much in the relationship. She probably also devalued your love BECAUSE you gave it too easily and without demanding enough FROM HER.

 

Now you might be making the opposite sort of mistake and rejecting women who are potentially MUCH BETTER partners for you because you have an illogically romanticized viewpoint of what you should be looking for in a partner.

 

I will tell you one thing--"sparks" are great, there has to be some basic chemistry--and I can compromise on lots of other stuff, but what I at least need to have is someone who is reliable enough that they don't just move out of state with the kids when they decide the marriage has become too boring, too much work, or whatever other excuses your wife gave you for leaving you.

 

Instead of looking for "sparks," start looking for CHARACTER in the women you date.

 

Your life partner should be someone who you would want to have in the foxhole with you when the whole world is coming down around you.

 

It sounds like you are STILL idealizing your wife.

 

You shouldn't. She ABANDONED you and took the kids with her. Probably cheated on you too. That DOES NOT sound like good basic material for a WIFE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think there's much of a chance of saving your marriage at this point, but idealizing your wife and her bad behavior is not going to do it.

 

 

 

 

 

I'll bet you can do much better than your wife. There have to be a few women out there who won't walk out on you when they get tired of you.

 

You have a huge sunk cost/investment in your broken marriage and the problem now is you don't want to admit that you probably made a huge mistake in the way you selected your wife in the first place and then most likely let her walk all over you in the marriage to the point where she lost any respect for you and ended up leaving you looking for greener pastures.

 

Allowing her to now neuter you from ever having another relationship is just an absurd self-fulfilling prophecy and no man should do that to himself.

 

 

 

 

 

Sure there is.

 

A woman who REALLY loves you won't let you wait six years to get married and then won't up and leave and take your kids away from you when she gets tired of you or something "better" comes along.

 

Just want to say - I could love someone and never marry them or have children with them. I don't "desire" marriage, and am still on the fence about children. I'm not sure that's a good indicator of whether or not a woman "loves her man", as it just isn't every woman's cup of tea. Just my 2 cents.

[AnotherRound]

 

I NEED a little hippy, nothing over 50% ( i claim 49%).. more than 50 and you have to take account hygiene, employment, and general intelligence Nothing sexier than a free spirit And I'm a garden at heart, cultivating my own happiness is my responsibility, and am actively looking!

 

Puna,Hawaii, where I live (when I'm not working overseas) is probably one of the most thrown-back locations in the US, and thank god not the Continental US. It is a hippy Meca! Nothing but 2nd/3rd generation dead-heads.

 

Lol... I do love Hawaii! I used to live there when I was very little - but unfortunately, my parents missed the midwest and came back.

 

Yes, that works both ways - the hippy thing. I love a "little hippy" in a man too, but hygiene is HUGE, as is employment and intelligence. I just don't meet a lot here in the midwest - not like I did when I lived in SoCal... Ah, I miss those days!

 

And, I met Jerry Garcia - at Balboa Park in San Diego, I think it was the summer of 93? Maybe 94 - it's all a little blurry, lol Again, those were the days! Very cool guy he was, and made some pretty good friends that weekend just hanging out and listening to music. Well, before the cops showed up and tear gassed us... lol.

 

Also spent some time in San Fran - that was - interesting... lol.

 

But, back to the midwest, and all the farmer boys. I like them well enough, some are pretty good guys - but very conservative, and very weirded out by my "little bit hippy". Bc I don't like to kill things and eat them (it breaks my heart, honestly), and I don't go to church, and I love nature (i'm a tree hugger apparently, lol) - they tend to be suspicious of me... They are friendly enough, and we can have a good time together, but LT? Nah... it wouldn't work for either of us I don't think... lol...

 

Sorry to threadjack, so back to topic - I will never settle again. I will have what I want/need, or I will stay contentedly single. It was never a good idea for me to compromise what I wanted/needed, and I won't make that mistake again. I may have to move to find it, or I may have to accept that I'm not going to find it here - but either way, I will be happy.

[AnotherRound]

My point--which obviously is a generlization based on my observations and no one else's--is that when a woman is really "into" a man in a very serious, committed way, and is at all interested in marriage and having children, they tend to regard waiting SIX YEARS to get married as a very excessively long time. They tend to have a lot more urgency about it. Whereas men, not so much--they might be fine with getting married if they love the woman but won't have that same "push" or sense of "urgency."

 

I don't know how old you are now, but a very good indicator of how you feel about a future partner will be when you suddenly and mysteriously find yourself WANTING to get married AND have children with him. If you are not having those kinds of feelings after seriously dating someone for six months or maybe a year, then it's probably best to move on because if he was "the one," by all odds you WOULD be having those kinds of feelings.

 

At least in my experience.

 

I'm mid 30s - and have yet to have the desire to have children with anyone. So, maybe, but it appears it won't happen. And, I have greatly loved my partners - but marriage and babies was just not my goal, so... I understand that I'm not the norm, and I get what you are saying. I just wanted to point out that not ALL of us women are looking for that. I honestly would be quite content to shack up for the rest of my life - no marriage certificate and no babies - just me and my lover, enjoying each other and life.

[AnotherRound]

The above is exactly what I am talking about.

 

Long before you lived with him for four years you knew whether or not it was really a good lifetime match. You already KNEW it wasn't for whatever reasons but you basically married him out of inertia.

 

Had you really loved him you wouldn't have married him because it was the logical next step, you would have married him because you wanted to spend your life with him.

 

Unfortunately and not blaming your marital difficulties on you specfically, many many women do exactly what you did--marrying the guy because it's the next thing on the checklist--and the guy doesn't have a clue what's really going on inside her head.

 

I maybe wasn't clear. I did want to spend the rest of my life with him... I thought. I made a mistake, thinking that the issues would go away, or that we could overcome them bc of love. I just didn't know any better - now I do. It wasn't the next thing on my checklist - it was the next thing on society's checklist - and I was young enough that I thought we were supposed to get married, or we were weird, doing it wrong, or had to break up. He was the same - we really meant what we said that day at the church when we said it. Just didn't stick bc it didn't work, and we overlooked things that in hindsight were BIG obstacles.

 

I get what you are saying... and all cases are different. Yes, there are women who want nothing more than to "snag" a man. I'm hopeful that as they go through life they realize that is a recipe for disaster, as I have realized. But just wanted you to know, some of us learned our lesson!

[AnotherRound]

But, what IS the "is" that you must have to be happy in a relationship?

 

What's your dealbreaker or breakers?

 

Do you realize you haven't explained what it is you are actually "looking" for in a potential future lifetime partner?

 

Oh, I know what my dealbreakers are... now, lol. I didn't back then, as I was new to the whole thing and still figuring things out. This just didn't seem like the place to list them? I know what they are, and know what I need - and I won't be in a relationship with anyone that can't/won't provide those things to me. I know it's a long shot - finding someone that has what I need and vice versa, and I'm perfectly okay with that. I won't settle for "close enough" again...

[hardlybreathing]

We have to be able to see the good and the bad and the potential in each other as potential mates. We both have to be committed to improving ourselves and helping each other through the good times and the bad and viewing the marriage or relationship as a sum which is greater than its parts.

 

And, isn't that what dating is all about? To find your potential mate? Otherwise, why bother putting in the time? Really, doesn't every one deep in their soul want to have that type of commitment? I do! And, if it isn't perfect, well guess what, I'm not perfect - you just learn to accept the good and the bad, and love the person for who they are and not what you expect them to be.

 

I think marriage compliments me rather than to complicate my life.

[eleanorrigby]

I don't think I would settle in another relationship if I got divorced. It's hard for me to even imagine feeling that deeply about another man. I've known my husband since we were both 16 and it's just a different kind of closeness now that we have that I can't envision myself having with another person.

 

It would take years and years and I still think it would never be what I have right now.

[RiverRunning]

When my SO and I get hitched in the spring, we will have been together for 4 1/2 years. Got engaged shortly before the 4 year mark.

 

It was a long time to wait, but just to cut the guy who waited 6 years to marry some slack - I was pretty young when we started dating (and still in college).

 

We had a LOT of problems the first two years. There were many times I nearly walked out, and rightfully so. Although he was 25 when we first met, he was very immature and still hung up on an ex-girlfriend.

 

Dealing with all of that slowed us down. Otherwise, I think we would have gotten engaged before or around the three year mark and married very soon after.

 

So, there are lots of reasons why people would want to get married. But Duck, I will agree with you that, absent all those other things, if a woman suddenly waxes cold about getting married (and she gives no indication that she is against marriage), something's up. And it probably is "she's just not that into you."

[strongnrelaxed]

Wow.

 

There are so many horrendously bad assumptions in this post that I stopped counting in about the first two paragraphs. But thanks for the disertation.

 

Next time considering gathering some facts before presenting your closing arguments.

 

The man is stating his opinions. He is doing this based on his life experience and the things he has learned along the way. We all bring assumptions to the table. It's like dissing him for breathing air.

 

Sure, the post is long. I know reading can be such a chore. After all, relationship questions are so amendable to sound bites and cute little quips.

 

Your comment Bob, is worse than his post. You did nothing to add to the discussion. You just attacked a man for sharing a perspective.

 

Do you feel better about yourself? Do you have a score sheet and give yourself a little punch on the shoulder for every man you disrespect like this?

[strongnrelaxed]

The incompatibilty doesn't come to light because people frequently present themselves in the way they want to be seen, and then let their "real personalities/traits" emerge later. Examples: (snip) women who pretend that they are way more into sex than they are, who spend 3 hours getting ready for every date but 3 weeks in haven't changed out of their sweatpants in 4 days, or who talked so much about the career they were going to have and how their marriage was going to be a partnership and they were going to contribute x,y,z and then 3 months in stop taking their birth control pills and don't mention it because they wanted a baby, and then when said baby arrives, suddenly want to be a SAHM, even though that wasn't the plan, but suddenly her maternity leave is 18 years long.

 

We just had this conversation in another thread. For those who missed it, do you know how many women viciously responded when it was suggested that women are deceitful?

 

This is a good post. Thanks for sharing. I suspect that we won't have many women chiming in on this.