charasbb Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 My boyfriend of 2 and a half years is really upset with me right now, and I can't totally blame him, I did not cheat on him, but I guess I crossed a line. We were a party with people I didn't really know, mostly his friends from a club he's part of. Most of the night was fine, I was trying to integrate, but it was hard because I didn't know anyone except my bf and I'm not the type of girl who wants to hang off my bf's arm all night. Then I start chatting with this little group of a guy and a couple of girls and the guy and I get into a more separate conversation. I didn't think he was interested in me because he seemed to be very touchy feely with a girl whom I assumed was his gf for most of the night. We stopped talking and I went to talk to my bf for a bit and then I stepped outside where the other guy happened to be. We ended up chatting more, sitting in separate chairs and it got cold. He went and got a massive comforter and threw it over us. Then walks in bf, obviously peeved and I realized that maybe this all looked suspect and got up and went looking for him. He was giving me the cold shoulder, so I ended up sitting on the couch by myself and the other guy came and sat on a chair near me and gave me his number (which I threw out). So, now my boyfriend has been ignoring me and is convinced that we were touching each other under the covers which we weren't! In our whole relationship I have been what I consider to be a great girlfriend. I am not a party girl, I help take care of his daughter, I work for him, I listen to him and we encourage each other. I love him and I made a mistake. What do I do? I told him everything there was to tell and he just told me to leave, so I respected him. I told him I would work for his trust, that he could look through my phone and my facebook if that made him feel better because I have nothing to hide. The day after the party he ignored me, but then when he came to bed he held me which turned into sex and the next day he ignored me. I feel terribly, that I've embarrassed him and hurt him and that I broke his trust. I have been cheated on and it sucks and I would never want to put anyone through that and I didn't think that I was. Ugh, this is just such a mess and I just need some input. Link to post Share on other sites
jamesbob Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 You did something under those covers with the other guy didn't you Link to post Share on other sites
Author charasbb Posted September 25, 2012 Author Share Posted September 25, 2012 hilarious. No, I did not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author charasbb Posted September 25, 2012 Author Share Posted September 25, 2012 I wasn't with this guy the whole night, and while the conversation was happening my boyfriend came and hung out with use a few times throughout. I mentioned my bf throughout most of our conversation and i didn't think I was flirting..but I suppose I must have been for him to be so forward.I guess i'm a bit naive. Anyway, I don't want to make excuses. I know I didn't act correctly and that I ****ed up and that he probably feels embarrassed. There's probably absolutely nothing I can do, but I don't want to give up on us. Link to post Share on other sites
Mycteria Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 I think your boyfriend is an idiot. You didn't do anything wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MonsterMash Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 I think your boyfriend is an idiot. You didn't do anything wrong. Turn the tables and let him play touchy feely under the covers with another woman and you'd probably be screaming for his head. OP....you ****ed up. It really doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. What matters is it appears you were punking him out in front of all his friends. Would you be so forgiving if he made a fool of you in front of your friends? I doubt you would be so forgiving. Chalk it up to a lesson learned. Don't treat your boyfriends like **** and they won't leave you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author charasbb Posted September 26, 2012 Author Share Posted September 26, 2012 No this has never been an issue in past relationships. Most of my friends are female, but I spend a lot of time on my own. Link to post Share on other sites
Mycteria Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 (edited) Turn the tables and let him play touchy feely under the covers with another woman and you'd probably be screaming for his head. OP....you ****ed up. It really doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. What matters is it appears you were punking him out in front of all his friends. Would you be so forgiving if he made a fool of you in front of your friends? I doubt you would be so forgiving. Chalk it up to a lesson learned. Don't treat your boyfriends like **** and they won't leave you. She wasn't playing touchy feely, she was sitting in a completely different chair! Maybe he was being touchy feely with her earlier but she clearly didn't respond. Who cares about the blanket? It shouldn't have been an embarrassment to him at all and she did not make a fool out of him. If I were dating a guy who made a huge deal out of something like this, I would break up with him immediately. I can't handle that immature jealousy. She's been with him for over 2 years for christ's sake. He should know what she's like and that she wouldn't be groping some guy under a blanket while at a party composed of him and his friends. I mean really...this is honestly something I wouldn't even think twice about doing and I have never dated a guy that would have any sort of problem with it at all. I can't even imagine getting into an argument about this. Edited September 26, 2012 by Mycteria 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author charasbb Posted September 26, 2012 Author Share Posted September 26, 2012 She wasn't playing touchy feely, she was sitting in a completely different chair! Maybe he was being touchy feely with her earlier but she clearly didn't respond. Who cares about the blanket? It shouldn't have been an embarrassment to him at all and she did not make a fool out of him. If I were dating a guy who made a huge deal out of something like this, I would break up with him immediately. I can't handle that immature jealousy. She's been with him for over 2 years for christ's sake. He should know what she's like and that she wouldn't be groping some guy under a blanket while at a party composed of him and his friends. I mean really...this is honestly something I wouldn't even think twice about doing and I have never dated a guy that would have any sort of problem with it at all. I can't even imagine getting into an argument about this. Thanks, I feel like you're the only one who's read the details of my post. The guy actually never even touched me and I kind of feel like my bf is overreacting, but I suppose having been cheated on, I am sensitive to how someone would feel if they thought they were betrayed. I am hoping he'll cool off a bit if given space, I love the man, but he can be quite ego driven and stubborn and has been hurt quite a bit in the past so I understand his reaction. I also wouldn't be completely pleased if I saw him doing the same thing however I would give him the benefit of the doubt because he's never given me a reason to doubt him and so I expect the same from him because I have never been anything but faithful and loving. Link to post Share on other sites
TG1 Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 Please for the sake of your relationship don't tie together with the other poster and do what girls do best and try to turn what appears to be a very sketchy situation into "he is overreacting." You can play up the two chair thing all you want but honestly I am reading your story from your pov and Im having trouble believing that this was all very innocent. At the very least you can admit that the other guy seems to have had the vibe that you were into him. If you really weren't doing anything than let that be known but try to understand that your bf thinks you were cheating for a reason and Im willing to bet that other people there thought the same. Well said, my exact sentiments Link to post Share on other sites
Author charasbb Posted September 27, 2012 Author Share Posted September 27, 2012 Thing is I have been in a situation where the tables were turned and I did give the benefit of the doubt (and lucky me I even turned out to be right and he was cheating). Anyway, I guess everyone can have an opinion and it's nice to hear everyone's, even though some of you find my story dubious. In the end he agreed that he overreacted and that it was not in my character to do something like that. Sometimes lines aren't clear cut, friendly can easily seem like flirty and vice versa and blankets meant to keep you warm ends up making you look like a giant b*tch, the important part is realizing when you've messed up and taking responsibility for it. I will definitely NOT be sharing blankets ever!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
TheEnergizer Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 It amazes me how naive (or acting naive?) some women can be. Look OP, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that nothing happened, but cmon...you talk to the dude all night, alone, under a blanket...you may not have done anything, but yo seriously couldn't tell he was into you? You seriously didn't think to yourself, "hmm maybe this would look bad if my bf walked in"? And for the girl saying it was "overreacting", I never understand people like you. I think you use the overreacting and "why don'y you trust me" lines as an excuse to do do whatever you want and not have to consider someone else's feelings. In a loving relationship, yes there should be trust, but there should also be enough respect for that trust to not abuse it and use it as an excuse to do shady things (or things that might look shady). If you love someone, you should have enough sense to look at a situation and say "I know my bf trusts me...and that's exactly why I will avoid a certain situation."...not "I know my bf trusts me, so I'll tell him I'm gonna take a weekend trip with my male friend...and if my bf doesn't like it, he's "overreacting"". Then maybe I'm talking to people who just look at relationships and dating as filler for their loneliness and will bail at the first sign of adversity. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TG1 Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 It amazes me how naive (or acting naive?) some women can be. Look OP, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that nothing happened, but cmon...you talk to the dude all night, alone, under a blanket...you may not have done anything, but yo seriously couldn't tell he was into you? You seriously didn't think to yourself, "hmm maybe this would look bad if my bf walked in"? And for the girl saying it was "overreacting", I never understand people like you. I think you use the overreacting and "why don'y you trust me" lines as an excuse to do do whatever you want and not have to consider someone else's feelings. In a loving relationship, yes there should be trust, but there should also be enough respect for that trust to not abuse it and use it as an excuse to do shady things (or things that might look shady). If you love someone, you should have enough sense to look at a situation and say "I know my bf trusts me...and that's exactly why I will avoid a certain situation."...not "I know my bf trusts me, so I'll tell him I'm gonna take a weekend trip with my male friend...and if my bf doesn't like it, he's "overreacting"". Then maybe I'm talking to people who just look at relationships and dating as filler for their loneliness and will bail at the first sign of adversity. I agree with everything you just said I agree 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Your boyfriend's a tool, next time he wants sex say no until you talk things over and get it sorted 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The_Face Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Yeah it sounds a little wierd to me. It got cold so you two shared a blanket? It would be one thing if it was a close, trusted friend of your bfs, but some random guy? Link to post Share on other sites
TG1 Posted September 29, 2012 Share Posted September 29, 2012 Id break up with you immediately for being so non chalant about your lack of boundaries in a relationship. Like honestly she had to know how it would look to her boyfriend, I mean honestly I would have thought the exact same thing if I were in that position Link to post Share on other sites
Mycteria Posted September 29, 2012 Share Posted September 29, 2012 It amazes me how naive (or acting naive?) some women can be. Look OP, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that nothing happened, but cmon...you talk to the dude all night, alone, under a blanket...you may not have done anything, but yo seriously couldn't tell he was into you? You seriously didn't think to yourself, "hmm maybe this would look bad if my bf walked in"? And for the girl saying it was "overreacting", I never understand people like you. I think you use the overreacting and "why don'y you trust me" lines as an excuse to do do whatever you want and not have to consider someone else's feelings. In a loving relationship, yes there should be trust, but there should also be enough respect for that trust to not abuse it and use it as an excuse to do shady things (or things that might look shady). If you love someone, you should have enough sense to look at a situation and say "I know my bf trusts me...and that's exactly why I will avoid a certain situation."...not "I know my bf trusts me, so I'll tell him I'm gonna take a weekend trip with my male friend...and if my bf doesn't like it, he's "overreacting"". Then maybe I'm talking to people who just look at relationships and dating as filler for their loneliness and will bail at the first sign of adversity. Going for a weekend trip alone with a male friend is not even in the same ballpark as hanging out at a party with a bunch of other people and sitting under a blanket with a guy, sitting in completely separate chairs. I don't bail at the first sign of adversity, and I've never had an issue with boundaries in relationships. I've also never been in a relationship where something like this would even be a remote issue. I can honestly say that if I was at a party and my boyfriend sat under a blanket with a girl, I would not think twice about it other than to wonder who she was and if she was cool or not. Jealousy is something I don't tolerate in a relationship, and I also don't cheat. I guess my idea of a trusting relationship is a little different than yours, I dunno. I've had some pretty awesome relationships though so to each their own 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mycteria Posted September 29, 2012 Share Posted September 29, 2012 Id break up with you immediately for being so non chalant about your lack of boundaries in a relationship. I have extremely strict boundaries. They are just different from yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The_Face Posted September 29, 2012 Share Posted September 29, 2012 Going for a weekend trip alone with a male friend is not even in the same ballpark as hanging out at a party with a bunch of other people and sitting under a blanket with a guy, sitting in completely separate chairs. I don't bail at the first sign of adversity, and I've never had an issue with boundaries in relationships. I've also never been in a relationship where something like this would even be a remote issue. I can honestly say that if I was at a party and my boyfriend sat under a blanket with a girl, I would not think twice about it other than to wonder who she was and if she was cool or not. Jealousy is something I don't tolerate in a relationship, and I also don't cheat. I guess my idea of a trusting relationship is a little different than yours, I dunno. I've had some pretty awesome relationships though so to each their own You can defend the OP all you want and tell us all how you wouldn't care if your BF sat under a blanket with some random girl at a party and allowed the girl to be flirty towards him, that's great. Good for you that you are just so trusting and confident. The fact is, the way the OP was acting with this guy, makes her BF uncomfortable. If he did something that makes her uncomfortable, wouldn't it only be right that she told him? How come since the guy spoke out about it, that makes him "jealous" and it's time to bail? Your advice sounds like good advice for someone who's done something wrong and hurt somebody else and knows it, and doesn't want to face the truth and possibly make a change for someone she should love. To the OP, apologize and don't do it again, if you love this guy. If you don't love him, then who cares? Tell him he's jealous and dump him. Great advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mycteria Posted September 29, 2012 Share Posted September 29, 2012 (edited) You can defend the OP all you want and tell us all how you wouldn't care if your BF sat under a blanket with some random girl at a party and allowed the girl to be flirty towards him, that's great. Good for you that you are just so trusting and confident. The fact is, the way the OP was acting with this guy, makes her BF uncomfortable. If he did something that makes her uncomfortable, wouldn't it only be right that she told him? How come since the guy spoke out about it, that makes him "jealous" and it's time to bail? Your advice sounds like good advice for someone who's done something wrong and hurt somebody else and knows it, and doesn't want to face the truth and possibly make a change for someone she should love. To the OP, apologize and don't do it again, if you love this guy. If you don't love him, then who cares? Tell him he's jealous and dump him. Great advice. Yes but see, there is no need to tell him because she did it right in front of him, not secretly behind his back. She was in public, in front of a bunch of people...not trying to hide anything from him. And she DID apologize immediately (did you read the OP?). I'm not saying she should bail for his jealousy, I'm just saying that he overreacted. I'm not saying that she should keep on doing things like this. Obviously if it makes him uncomfortable, she should apologize and stop. Which is exactly what she did, yet he was STILL angry about it. That is what makes me think that he overreacted and that is what I would have a problem with if I were here. Regardless, it sounds like he has admitted that he overreacted so they have solved their problem. And no...despite what you might think, I don't have a problem with cheating. Edited September 29, 2012 by Mycteria Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted September 29, 2012 Share Posted September 29, 2012 It amazes me how naive (or acting naive?) some women can be. Look OP, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that nothing happened, but cmon...you talk to the dude all night, alone, under a blanket...you may not have done anything, but yo seriously couldn't tell he was into you? You seriously didn't think to yourself, "hmm maybe this would look bad if my bf walked in"? And for the girl saying it was "overreacting", I never understand people like you. I think you use the overreacting and "why don'y you trust me" lines as an excuse to do do whatever you want and not have to consider someone else's feelings. In a loving relationship, yes there should be trust, but there should also be enough respect for that trust to not abuse it and use it as an excuse to do shady things (or things that might look shady). If you love someone, you should have enough sense to look at a situation and say "I know my bf trusts me...and that's exactly why I will avoid a certain situation."...not "I know my bf trusts me, so I'll tell him I'm gonna take a weekend trip with my male friend...and if my bf doesn't like it, he's "overreacting"". Then maybe I'm talking to people who just look at relationships and dating as filler for their loneliness and will bail at the first sign of adversity. Dude you deserve an A+ for this. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted September 29, 2012 Share Posted September 29, 2012 Whether you did it intentionally or not, you disrespected him. Some people say that love is most important to women in a relationship, and respect is what is most important to men. You dissed him at a party in front of his friends. Even if you didn't mess with the guy, you didn't consider how others would see your behavior. Regardless of your motivations, it looked bad. You should've thought about that. I'm married, but I've been with my husband 21 years and remember parties like this. First, I never would've went outside to have a talk alone with this guy. You were giving this dude too much attention, and he thought you were interested, regardless of your BF status. Second, if he would've put a blanket over us, I would've jumped up and thought to myself, what is this dude thinking? And then went to find my BF ASAP. You have poor boundaries. A person in a relationship should consider whether their behavior with the opposite sex is appropriate, or whether it could be misinterpreted as inappropriate. I would apologize, admit that you disrespected him and be careful to never behave this way again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 It may have been a typo of some sort Link to post Share on other sites
Cb3657 Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 She feels like people accused her of being a cheat- her response "I have no problem with cheating" means she is not now a cheater and is not defending the OP because she cheats. Just a clarification. I am married and trust my wife but Would definitly have a problem with the situation described. I would say to the OP that making him "realize" he overreacted will hurt your relationship in the long run, You should have left it at your apoligy and a commitment to recognize better boundaries. He likely now resents you for your behavior and making him feel bad for for it. I cafefully read your post and still feel you did wrong here sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Author charasbb Posted September 30, 2012 Author Share Posted September 30, 2012 She feels like people accused her of being a cheat- her response "I have no problem with cheating" means she is not now a cheater and is not defending the OP because she cheats. Just a clarification. I am married and trust my wife but Would definitly have a problem with the situation described. I would say to the OP that making him "realize" he overreacted will hurt your relationship in the long run, You should have left it at your apoligy and a commitment to recognize better boundaries. He likely now resents you for your behavior and making him feel bad for for it. I cafefully read your post and still feel you did wrong here sorry I agree that I crossed a line, I did not however make him feel bad about it. I disclosed all information on what happened and thoroughly,repeatedly and genuinely apologized. My feeling of him overreacting were more from him ignoring me for 4 days, but we all deal with thing differently and I messed up so I didn't say anything. There was a bit of resent for a few days and I did my best to suck it up and treat him with all the love and respect I have for him and things are a lot better. People are saying I have poor boundaries which might be true but I don't think boundaries are so clear cut(otherwise we wouldn't have forums full of people questioning them). Sometimes to become aware of the boundaries we have to cross the line a bit and people get hurt, it's how you handle the situation that matters and whether you step over that same boundary repeatedly that matters most. If you guys don't occasionally make mistakes, good on ya! Link to post Share on other sites
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