Prepare for what now seems my life story, I need help please read..

[_Kev_]

Me and my girlfriend of almost 2 years have just broken up and it is realy killing me inside. At the beginning of our relationship she set it out so that we were seeing each other every day. Initially I though it would be impossible but I gave it a shot and I found that we were really quite happy together.

 

The only problem with our relationship was one person - her ex - who I knew always wanted her from the end of his right up until now. We had a couple of arguements about her seeing him where I went a bit over the top which i regret a whole lot.

 

Now she has a lot on her plate and all of a sudden almost out of the blue she decides we shouldn't be together and that blow really knocked me for six. The even more incredible thing is that she has now only recently realised that she does like her ex and she is now seeing him as a friend but they are kissing and acting like a couple.

 

She lets me kiss her too but she is uncomfortable from time to time due to all the emotions form her relationship and she tells me that we may be able to start rebuilding slowly but we could not go straight back into the same relationship. I'd like to believe this but I think it is a bit of a fools hope.

 

This girl has been my life for 2 years and has taken up all of my time and all of a sudden she decdes that she needs more space without even discussing the problem.

 

I have a terrilble feeling in my stomach like anxiety which is making it difficult for me to sleep and sometimes eat......I haven't had a proper nights sleep since the break up (which was about 3 nights ago) and I can't see it ggetting any better for me.

 

During our relationship it was all about our future etc. and we are each others only sexual partners which I think is a bit special but was probably a reason for her decision....I do not know.

 

I love her so dearly with all my heart even though the way she is treating me right now is terrible. I must sympathise with her that she is confused and needs time to get her act together.....but every second of every day I am aching for her.

[suzanne]

You didn't say how old you are, but it sounds like you may be young. I am not discounting your feelings because of age. We all hurt so bad when we love and have to be apart.

 

The best I can say is focus on your life. You have a lot ahead of you. Do what is right for you and allow her to find her way. If she chooses to walk away from you now it is better then after more time has been put into this relationship. And remember everyone wants what they can't have. If you give her room she may remember why they were x's. If not and you must face losing her, remember you will be the x. Respect her choices and don't pressure her.

 

You will survive this. And you will be a better man for this if you do all you can to be honorable. Don't compete for love. It's either yours or not.

 

Good Luck ...

[_Kev_]

We are a young couple and I respect your not discounting feelings because of this. We were never a young couple in what I see in the meaning of the word as we were always mature about our relationship (apart from the early days where it was a struggle to cope).

 

Last night everything blew out of proportion and something to do with her ex boyfriend and one of my friends had me dragged into the matter and after it she said that she would really like some distance between us now after what has happened.

 

When we broke up we agreed we would see each other as friends and we arranged to go the cinema tommorow. I have sent her a text message asking if she still wants to go but strictly as friends but as yet I have had no reply.

 

I also feel that she could get involved with some of the wrong crowds and the life I have protected her from could swallow her up. Perhaps it is fair to say she needs to be out and experiencing her own life but it is almost as though she had no consideration for ny feelings whatsoever while still letting me kiss her.....I would feel better if she could come out with a straight answer as to whether she wants meor him or neither but if it neither me or him then I would not like for him to constantly be in contact with her while I give her the space needs. Thanks for the previous reply it helped sort some thigns out in my head which is a pretty mixed up place right now.

[Good heart]

once a woman say she needs space , this means that the man beacame too available, too nice and too clingy. and since she has somebody chasing her, she opted to give it ta ry since he is a more exciting option rather than the dullness she is experiencing right now.

So my advise to you before more damage happens (still in the first few days of breakup, you still have a lot of hope that she might come back) act like a real jerk in the next 2 wks, act busy and cancel tomorow, tell her something came up.

if you keep on acting nice and desperate she will feel more the spark for her ex, if you act jerky she might get scared that you might have other options and she will be attracted agin to you and if she really cares about you she will not let you go.

So save this relationship and please be a jerk.

[suzanne]

But I do agree make yourself unavailable as long as she is playing the game that makes men ( and women ) crazy. Unfortunantly this is what relationships have come to .. women acting as if the valuable time spent with you means nothing and playing this silly game and men acting the fool and devaluing any kind of good he is about.

 

If you act the fool , you may learn to regret it. Every act has a consequence! Never forget to treat another's heart as you would have yours treated! KARMA is a powerful thing !

[Good heart]

this is the basic principle of maintaining your dignity, if you are slapped on one cheek the cheek of the slapper should be spanked.

being nice these days is being a fool, by being a jerk is by being not nice not by being an a**h***, you have the full right to act on whatever means you have to since she cheated on you .

You did not do anything wrong, you were just too good and women hate that and they hate to be cheated on but they also hate the faithful guy (unless you are married and have kids but still you are at risk) , so you can spend your whole life understanding them but you will not.

So please be a jerk and do not listen to the BS of karma, reality is that you have been hurt and the only thing that is real in life is pain.

[clintonsmith]

suzanne....do you really believe in karma in relationships? and if so, have you seen it in action? thanks...

 

btw, my thoughts are with you in your tough time. i know it is very hard. time will help everyting.

[trouble]

There really isn't anything we can say to make that feeling in your stomach go away. I am going through a separation right now- You can read my situation at Second Chances entitled "My Heart is Breaking". I know exactly what you mean about the feeling and not wanting to eat. I have barely eaten 3 chicken nuggets in two days. You have to take care of you. I know it doesn't seem like it now but it will get easier. It sounds like she is not very mature and doesn't really care about your feelings. I know right now you want to believe that she is "the one" because of all the effort and time you put into the relationship but maybe if she is so willing to be with someone else you were putting more effort into it than she was. Let her go and if you are supposed to be together she will find her way back. In the mean time try to figure out what you can change about yourself to make sure that if you do end up in another relationship you are a strong person and are ready. If you need to talk send me a line. It is hard when you feel so alone. You sound like you are young- if not I am sorry if I offended you- The one thing that I can tell you is that young love burns bad but when you get older and look back it isn't as bad as it felt then.

Hang in there and I will do the same!

[doubledown]

Originally posted by Good heart

 

So save this relationship and please be a jerk.

 

 

Do you really want to live the rest of your life

wondering if it's time to be a jerk again to resave the relationship?

 

So she comes back after you blow her off this time, how long will it last until she finds another new exiting guy?

 

Do you really want to be in that kind of relationship?

[_Kev_]

Thank you for all your help guys but I sent her a message today and she hasn't replied, she is giving me the silent treatment.

 

All the time we spent together and the way I treated her does not deserve this response. I will not be the one who is contacting her. I just want to get on with my life and I think it is so hard but it is what I have to do.

[EnigmaXOXO]

The only problem with our relationship was one person - her ex - who I knew always wanted her from the end of his right up until now. We had a couple of arguements about her seeing him where I went a bit over the top which i regret a whole lot.

 

Why do you regret it?

 

Do you think things would have turned out any differently if you had rolled over and played dead like some obedient little puppy?

 

Obviously, from the very beginning your intuition was telling you that your girlfriend still had one foot in her past relationship. This other guy would have never presented a threat to you if your girl had her own head screwed on straight in the first place. For most people, sneaking off to meet the ex would be considered a "deal breaker." The fact that she was still keeping this guy in her emotional orbit would have prevented me from pursuing anything with her other than casual dating. But often, we ignore our good common sense in the futile hope that the object of our affection will realize just how wonderful we are and eventually come around without us ever having to "ask."

 

Unfortunately…that tactic seldom works…nor does groveling, pleading or complaining after the fact. The only way to prevent this kind of situation is to avoid it all together. In other words --- the next time you meet an attractive lady you'd like to pursue, make sure she's confident and secure enough with herself to have cleaned out all her ex-boyfriend baggage. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and usually whatever "issues" present themselves at the start of a relationship…are the same issues that will resurface and cause its eventual end. Particularly when "wishful thinking" causes us to ignore or avoid them rather than confronting them straight on.

 

I agree with Good Heart…Although I wouldn't consider distancing yourself from this girl as being a "jerk." On the contrary; I think its called being a "MAN" instead of a sucker. Want her respect?...Then DON'T play her patsy and let her walk all over you. Guarantee, she'll want you more ONLY when you stop making yourself so darn available.

[_Kev_]

No she was always completely honest that she had no feelings for him then but I knew he did for her you see. And now she ran straight into his waiting arms..seems like easy way out to me. About the phone call she just got home and called me and was on the phone to me for a little while but the most amazing thing has happened.

 

I contacted someone I really like just to talk about how we feel about each other and it's like the weight has lifted. By doing this I realised that all my previous thoughts were exaggerated....she is not the one key to happiness and I do not need to put up with **** like that from anyone who claims to love me. I am in no way recommending that people call up someone they know and do the same but if they are interested just do it and you will realise you are being silly and the thing will clear.....I cannot express how much of a new man I feel in what has taken around about 10 minutes. One hour ago I couldn't see anyway to go on. Everyones help has been great and I have to say that this guy does not need to use this anymore until this sort of event reoccurs but I will be stronger for it next time.

 

Thank You All _Kev_ xxx

 

Just open your eyes guys there really is light at the end of the tunnel.

[doppelganger]

Kev, I agree with enigma. Be a man. Don't be wussy boy here. Don't be at her beck and call waiting to bow down to her every wish or demand just to get her back. Have some respect for yourself and move on. I know its hard right now, but start doing something. Best advice i can give you- get to the gym! Good for the body, you can take all of your anger, hate, frustration out on the weights and do yourself some good. Nice eye candy at the gym to if you know what i mean.

 

No she was always completely honest that she had no feelings for him then but I knew he did for her you see. And now she ran straight into his waiting arms..seems like easy way out to me.

 

Lets get this straight. She was completely honest and says she doesn't like the guy, and then gets with him afterwards? Let me put this from your perspective. Would you be making out with some girl you have no attraction for? No. Exactly. She wasn't being honest. In her defense, maybe she wasn't being honest with herself either. And maybe it wasn't so much a lie as a refusal to admit to something that would make her feel so unbearably guilty (something that would make her feel like a bad person) for doing this to you.

 

When my ex broke up with her ex-before-me, we got together soon afterward. I wasnt even thinking about going out with her and taking her away from her boyfriend at the time. We weren't hanging out outside of college classes we had together during that time (since I was preoccupied for a while concerned about a sick close friend). Anyways, we started hanging out and during this time she liked me and soon after we were boyfriend girlfriend (FYI- we were in second year of college at the time 19 y.o.). Her ex then was blasting her for leaving him for me. I asked her if that's what she did and she says no, she left him for all these other reasons and not for me (I was NOT chasing her at the time need i remind you before i get blasted by this forum). ok, fine and dandy. Three years down the line we're still together and this topic comes up again. This time she says yes, she liked me some before they broke up and part of the reason was for me. WTF?!?! If i new that for sure back then I wouldn't have gotten involved with her in the first place (yeah yeah, i shouldn've seen the timing of it, but i shall use youth and wishful thinking as my excuse). So why was she being 'honest' and saying that it wasn't because of me all that time?

 

During the fourth year we break up. And for what reason? It happened again. She starts hanging around this guy (not ex-bf) and we break up after a few months of that. (She spends a night with him- sounds worse than it really was. but anyways). We break up after she goes on, what I call, a date with him that ends up back at his place for a movie where she gets home about 2-3 in the morning (she insists that it wasnt a date when i found out about it that day). Soon after, while I was still in wussy guy mode, I'm asking if she likes him and she says no, he's a friend, etc. etc. Lo and behold they're hanging out almost every day after we break up. I knew her enough to know she liked him, but wasn't admitting it. Eventually two weeks after the breakup they're boyfriend girlfriend having done 'stuff' other than kissing as she put it. Ok, pop quiz, Kev... and you better get this right... Did she or didn't she like him when she said she didn't?

 

Anyways, time to move on kev. Implement some of that no-contact. Its only been a few days but you gotta start healing- so no contact bro. When that point comes where you can say 'screw it, i'm moving on', thats when you start feeling better about yourself- when you're no longer depending on her to make you happy, when you start depending on yourself. But watch out for that new girl you like. Don't make her the rebound girl.

 

Its time for an upgrade man, time for an upgrade... And get that arse to the gym.

 

my $0.02

[spacjm]

Some excellent advice from doppelganger. My girlfriend of nearly two years left me seven months ago, she had been pursued by a LONG time friend of hers, a strapping young intellectual catholic school student, and I guess they had been hanging on winter break in her hometown before we broke up (all three of us were 20). She then told me (when I drove interstate to see her one last time) that they had been making out AFTER she broke up with me over the phone. She said the kisses weren't that good and he wanted to take her out to dinner, but she wasn't really into him, not looking for any relationship.

 

Before I left, she was calling me a ****ing paranoid psychopath for thinking they were any more than friends (although I handled it quite well). She called me a month later and mentioned that they had been going out the entire time. I am NOT saying this is always the case, but many times if they say they're not THAT into the other guy, it's because you're still in the way. It's bull****, in other words, and I feel that if she wasn't honest about the slightest bit of attraction to him even though it would hurt me or make her look bad, she doesn't care and, like in doppelganger's case, might do something similair to the other lucky guy in the future. Who knows.