It's Not Me, It's...Me?

[AnneMargaret]

Greetings to all.

 

After not seeing each other for three years (over the course of a ten year on and off friendship and "friendship"), I recently saw a gentleman friend for whom I have always carried a torch and he for me. We live on different continents.

 

Over the course of our seeing each other, he became very emotionally open, expressing strong feelings for me, discussing "the future", children, his finances, his circumstances, his work troubles, aspects of our personalities, my views on this and that. There was no sex. And in fact, he said something I quite lliked: "I do not want to have sex with you and then you just go away. I want it to be in the context of a relationship, and want it every night".

 

We saw each other almost every day during my visit. When I went to visit my father, he called me every night to talk for an hour or so. When I returned abroad, the talks continued--the personal, the political, the professional--and every thing carried along nicely.

 

He had been asking about the possibility of my returning to the States. I found this flattering. He brought this up more than once, both while I was visiting and then on the phone from overseas.

 

At one point I suggested that I might visit stateside for a month, and what did he think of the possibility of my spending some of that time at his apartment--a few days, a week. I then told him I would not move abroad unless I was more sure of things--you know, the responsible thing a woman might say in this situation.

 

He became frozen. He said, with regard to my suggestion that I spend a few days with him (the rest of the time at a friend's, so as not to seem pushy), "I would not be comfortable with that". I was crushed. I could not see the connection between his intense conversation topics and his clear interest in me--that had me very pleasantly surprised--and this backing down. I don't get it.

 

Keep in mind again, we have known each other for many years and that this emotional openness was all His. He initiated these very serious discussions about the future. It seemed normal to me that that the next step would be extended time with each other.

 

I felt flustered and embarrassed--and not a little miffed. I said to him, "You know, if you want to see me, you can visit me in Europe". I said that I had to go. I had to get off the phone as I was so embarrassed and ended up hanging up on him as he was saying "absolutely!" through the receiver.

 

Two days later I wrote a very light, easy-going email--no recriminations, no wrist-slapping--saying that I had been very charmed by his conversation topics and that in the spirit of enthusiasm I may have misinterpreted something. He has not responded since then.

 

I am crushed.

 

(By the way--he is mid fifties, and I early 40s, both highly educated, very attractive, very serious individuals. He was married once years ago for two years. I have been engaged and in one long-term relationship of seven years. So I wish to emphasize the "grown-up" aspect here...)

 

Would anyone have any insight here? i am reeling with confusion. HE, not I, initiated the serious discussions, and really pursued them. No, he has no other serious relationship going on that I know of. Also, we did not have sex so it is not like it could have been a seduction game.

 

Any advice, please!

Edited September 26, 2012 by AnneMargaret

[Minka333]

He might be uncomfortable to let you stay in his place coz'

1. He likes his privacy

2. He is sharing his place with other people

3. He might be embarrassed of his apartment

4. He is living with another woman

 

You should have asked him first instead of assuming. But i cannot blame you for being hurt as that was your initial reaction. As for him disappearing, he might be dealing with other issues right now and additional stress might be the last thing on his mind.

[AnneMargaret]

Dear Minka,

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

Just for the record, I did spend several afternoons and evenings at his place (as I said, there was no sex/spending the night) and he was up front that there was no girlfriend, etc in his life.

 

His having me over, showing me around his place, talking as openly as he did made me feel as if being a guest for a few days would be no problem.

 

"I don't want to be together once a year, but every night" he said before I had left.

 

Hmm.

[AnneMargaret]

I know this is sneaky, but I would love to see any more responses to my dilemma. Truly in need of some excellent enlightenment. It is an interesting story, looking for brilliant insight into the male mind. Thank you in advance.

[AnneMargaret]

Anne I may not be in your age group. However, I consider myself wise and have experienced many types of relationships for varying lengths (I just posted about my current situation an hour or so ago). After reading your post and your comments I would have to say your friend cares for you a lot. You might have hurt his pride with refusing his offer. I know younger guys (including guys in my age range) would generally continue to push the subject a few more times after rejection. However, I noticed with my father (after my mom left him) and some of my older co-workers that when they are rejected by a woman they tend to have this "whatever" and "no worries" attitude and move along. It is a pride and power thing. If they continue to pursue the issue they feel that it makes them look weak. Even if they like you, they will only come back to the topic if you come around and go along with their plans. They are generally older and do not want to deal with the back and forth and possible drama that comes with that. Therefore, that is my best guess as to why he has not responded to you. Have you given in and said "let me come to the USA and stay with you the first few days and we can see how it goes"? I know a lot of middle-aged men do this from seeing it, but it was also something my dad taught me. All though in my first few relationships I did not heed his advice, but after I matured and grew older I saw where he was coming from.

 

Now on to why he did not want you staying with him the whole time I have two simple and plausible ideas for you. One as the other commenter said is he may like his privacy or have another woman. Two, he may actually really like you and think that if you come over and stay too long you may not like him as much, or if you stay too long you might smother him, or vice versa.

 

Good luck!

 

 

Dear Will,

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply. You are wise, and I think all of what you say here is correct. Thanks for the insight....much needed.