Leave Her Alone to Get Her Back???

[wolvie666]

So about 2 months ago my fiance blindsided me by telling me that she wanted to take a break and see what she wants for her life. I was hurt, but had to give her the space she wanted. I found out that she had been going out to bars everynight. She was never much of a drinker and I began to worry about what exactly was going on with her. She insisted that she was just having her fun and living life away from me for awhile, but I was still the man she wanted to marry.

 

This went on for a while and if she wouldn't here from me for a couple of days she would call me and say that she missed me and hopes that things work out between us, etc. We planned on meeting up for dinner to talk, but things kept happening to postpone until last monday. So we went to dinner and she starts saying that she can't even look at me and that she has so much guilt and doesn't know what's the matter with her. She then admitted to me that she has been seeing somebody else practically the whole time since we split up. I was completely crushed that after being together for 6.5 years she was able to just latch up with somebody else and then she told me that she has slept with this guy more than once. So suddenly we're both saying were sick and can't eat anymore and he starts calling her cellphone. She gets all panicky, tells me that this guy has a violent temper and gets in fights all the time and that we should leave before he shows up wanting to fight me.

 

At this point I felt like throwing up, but she asked if we could take a ride and keep talking. I started to get angry and asked her what the hell she sees in this guy and her answer to almost everything was "I don't know." We had this fantastic relationship and were just as close as two people could be and all of the sudden she is with this guy who had his license suspended for DUI and constantly gets in fights. It just doesn't make any sense.

 

So, I know that she's going to realize that she is making a huge mistake and that this guy is a loser. I know her better than anybody knows her and she is not acting like herself. She is bright, beautiful, and driven, and three months ago would never have had anything to do with a guy like that. I figure that this is some weird "seven year itch" type of thing where she thinks that she has to get something out of her system and it's got her brain all jumbled.

 

I threatend to move away to manhattan and she freaked out saying, "What if I know I want to be with you someday." I've been calling her all week and pleading with her to stop her behavior, but I think I've finally figured out what I need to do. I need to completely stop talking to her and begin moving on with my life. She was seeing him when she would call me after I wouldn't talk to her for a few days and she would say things like, "don't give up on me," and "I'm so scared I'm gonna lose you for good." Last time I talked to her I realized that the person I love is still down inside of her, but the person she is right now is not somebody I like. I'm gonna make her fear of losing me a reality and then maybe she will snap out of this childish behavior and realize how stupid she's been. If she does come back I'm gonna make her work to prove that she is truly different and truly sorry for everything she's done to hurt me.

 

So what I'm asking is if this is the best thing to do or not? I know she still loves me deep down and is genuinely mixed up inside. I wish she wasn't acting so stupid and wasn't seeing this guy, but I know she's gonna realize what she gave up for some ignorant loser. She even told me after dinner the other night that she knows he'll never treat her like me and that she could never find another man as perfect as me. So cut her loose and when she comes crawling back make her work for it?

[ringo]

Read my posts and you'll see the torture I go through. None of us deserve this. If these people really love us like they say they do, then they would treat us with respect, give us honesty and then do what they will. Instead they lie and cheat... and want us to forgive them and take them back. We don't deserve this... yet we love them deep down, dispite the fact that we don't like them or there actions at this point....

 

So she's come clean about him.... how many others are there...? Any one night stands that she didn't mention? I'm sure you mind is racing around like a hampster on a wheel driving yourself insane.

 

You sound like a financially secure individual... I don't know if you've ever been married before or if the two of you have children... but if so, then you have others (kids) to think about..... if not... I say stop calling her. She wants what she can't have.... thats why she calls you when she doesn't hear from you. She thinks she can change this other man and she can't... she'll see that someday and come crawling back to you... or worse, he'll beat her up...

she's making bad choices in her life... but it's her life and her mistakes to make. She won't listen to you and probably won't listen to anyone else.

 

My opinion..... quit calling and try you best to get on with your life without you. I'm sure she'll come crawling back to you sooner or later.... but then you'll be a stronger and wiser person..... would you talk her back knowing she's lied and cheated? Do you honestly believe that she would never do this again? Do you honestly believe that this is the first and only time she's done something like this?

 

There is a lot to think about, a lot to question. If she is willing to prove that she has changed, then you have to let her know that actions speak louder than words.

 

Again.... this is just my opinion. Best of luck to you and yours.

[wolvie666]

We practically spent everyday of the past 6.5 years together. I know there wasn't ever anybody before this. I am 25 years old an am as financially secure as most people my age. I don't have any children... She is 22 and we got together when she was 16 years old so she seems to think she missed out on something by being in a commited relationship since then. This really is NOT normal behavior for her. She constantly wanted me with her. She bawled for hours when I proposed to her. I really do think it's some kind of "seven year itch" type of thing. Hopefully we can work through it.

[ringo]

Ok... so what I'm hearing is that you've already made up your mind that your going to stand by her? I'm I right? Let her drink, sleep with men... do what ever.... and when she's good and ready, she can come back to you and you'll have your arms wide open waiting for her? Correct?

 

If she has been with you and only you since she was 16.... maybe she does need to go sow her oats so to speak... but if that's the case, then she should have been honest with you about it and not lied, cheated, and not have excepted the engagement. It sounds like you are more a father figure to her... you protect and provide....and love.... but your letting her hurt you.

 

It's up to you if you want to continue to allow her to hurt you... or if you want to take a stand for yourself and do what you need to do to be happy. She can't make you happy... no one can... only you can do this.

[wolvie666]

But I really do want things to work out between us. I'm not just going to take her back like nothing happened if and when she does snap out of it. She's going to have to prove that she really loves me and work to get back together, and I certainly won't be giving her her ring back for a long long time if she comes back to me. I do believe we are meant to be together though and I know she knows that deep down. I refuse to let her walk all over me though. Like I said, she is not the same person that I loved right now and she's gonna find out how dumb she's been and I want her to feel like a complete ignorant idiot when she sees that I'm not waiting for her. I'm not ruling out the idea of moving on with somebody else, I'm keeping my options open, but for right now she is still the girl I want to marry someday.

[ringo]

Ok.... so are you going to wait for her to come to her senses or are you going to get on with your life?

 

If you do start eventually dating someone esle... and she sees you with the other woman... you know she'll come running back to you right? As I said, people want what they can't have.....

 

Also.... say you move on... your dating someone else and she does what back in the picture... then what. Do you just blow this other woman off for a "chance" that she has changed and will treat you the way you deserve?

 

How will you know that she will treat you the way you deserve if you aren't going to have anything to do with her?

 

My advice... I don't know if you are religious or not.... but lift it up to God.... let him handle it all and go on with what you need to do career wise and so forth. Sometimes God doesn't always answers your prayers... much like the Garth Brooks song... "Unanswered Prayers". If you've never heard it... look up the lyrics to it online. It's a very truthful and touching song.

 

Are you still in touch with her now? Does she still live with you and wear this engagement ring when she's out with these other guys? How does it make you feel to know that she's intimate with other people? Cam upi get past this?

[wolvie666]

Of course it kills me to know that she's being intimate with somebody else. She is not wearing the ring because I asked for it back. I feel like I can forgive her for being with this other guy eventually though it will take time to get over it. I know of other couples that have worked out such things and become happier than ever. I have very little contact with her, but I do have some. Like I said, if I leave her be she will call me. But where my mind is at now is that even if she calls me I am not gonna rush to call her back, she doesn't deserve me until she proves that she appreciates me... I'm not even interested in dating anybody else right now, we were together for almost 7 years and I'm more interested in just taking it easy... I've been going out with my friends, etc. She treated me great for all those years, this is a very new and very strange issue that we've never dealt with before. She was very devoted to me before and there were never ever trust issues on either side of the relationship so I guess I believe that we can go back to that eventually. I see what you're saying and I know I have a lot to think about. Thanks for the discussion. It really helps. Hope you are handling your own things okay.

[ringo]

You do want makes you happy. My husband as cheated and lied countless times and now has a child with another woman... but I'm still here..... because I love him.. I know I deserve better, I know he will never treat me the way a woman should be treated with total honesty, loyalty and all that jazz.... but I with you in praying that he will turn back into the person I once knew.....

 

For my situation it may be too late... but not for yours. I know from a woman's standpoint that if you are there at her beck and call, then she will only continue to take you for granted. Move on with your life and career. If she comes around and changes... then you can deal with it then... if not... then so be it... it just wasn't meant to be.

 

Take care of yourself and offer it up to God and everything will be fine. Remember.... people want what they can't have. If you want to win her back... ignore her. Don't take her calls, don't reply to emails or letters.... she'll come around... most people don't know what they had until it's gone... and she sounds like once of these people. Still.... you have to give her some props for being honest about the affair in the first place....... that was a huge step for her. So that in itself proves she does love you and wants to work it out... but it doesn't mean that you need to be faithful to her and her only and wait until she decideds between you and this other man or someone one.

 

I'm just saying to take care of yourself and do what you need to do for you..... think of your feelings and what you deserve adn want.... then go from there.

[Velveteel]

I think you're doing the right thing. It's a solid strategy. Most posters here would agree that pulling away tends to draw the other person closer. She's already said many times that she doesn't want to lose you, but she's ambivalent. She's not ready to commit again. And now she's got some other guy regarding her as his property. However exciting it is to have a new lover, I'm sure she's also wondering how the hell to get out of that.

 

Studies of long-term relationships make it clear that almost every couple faces a period of estrangement at one point or another, whether it be an affair, a separation, or just a long time without speaking or sleeping with each other. This may be your moment. She obviously loves you, but was feeling restless and bored. I say go to Manhattan. If she wants a life with you and is willing to work for it (with counseling, too), she'll come after you. And if not, you have the comfort of knowing that although it wasn't right for her, she really did love you and had a terrible time giving you up.

[ringo]

This has worked for several people I know....

 

They were left for someone else.... they were devastated....

 

they went out on a date with anothe guy/girl and made a point to show this off to their ex that they were happy and having a great time.

 

The ex(s) came crawling back.....

 

Ironic.... but it's a suggestion.... it can open her eyes up to the fact that she really can lose you and that you really can go on with life without her... it will then force her to make a decision more quickly.... IMO

[wolvie666]

She invited me over to her house yesterday to get a birthday card she got for me and we started to talk. She went on to tell me that she is in love with the new guy and they have even talked about marriage. I sorta went nuts and gave her a "What the hell is the matter with you?!?" rant. She insisted that now she knows what "real love" is, etc. Off the bat I was devastated, but the more I've thought about it, the less I'm buying into it. Now, I know she really believes that she loves him and everything seems so perfect and fun right now, but she is confusing infatuation with love. There is a big difference between the two. She's with this new guy and it's exciting, he's nice to her and they party a lot. However, when things settle down she will begin to realize the mistakes she has made and at that time will miss me. She seems to be in denial of how in love and close we were and it is going to catch up to her.

 

It's hard to go through the day knowing that she is spending her time in someone else's arms, but there's nothing I can do about it so I can't let it destroy me. This guy will not be there for her the same way I was, I don't need to know him to know that so I just need to move on and if and when she comes back I will be ready to make a decision whether or not it's worth it. Sure I love her to death, but who knows how I'll feel months from now? I know this girl better than anyone and this isn't the kind of guy that will keep her happy once the thrill of it wears off. I had what it took. People that know the both of us insist that she will come back to me. Of couse there's no guarantee, but there's no guarantee I will want her back either.

[beautiful]

You said" deep down inside I know she still loves me". If she loved you, she would be with you!

 

Move on and stop hurting yourself in this horrible way!