sad husband

[hic]

i am not sure if here is the correct place, i just wanted to write things in me, because i feel kind of desperate not to be able to talk with anyone around me.

 

i am 30 years old male, and married for almost 6 years. i love her. But after all this years, a problem first did not bother me started to be the main problem for me. My wife is overweight. i know, many people, especially overweight or obese people sealed me from now, but i will tell how i feel anyway. she can be considered obese, but not an extreme case. i guess she is 155cm (5.08 feet), and betwen 210-220 pounds (like 95-100kg, but she does not tell me her weight anymore)

 

Honestly i was not happy with her weight in any time, but i didnt care because i loved her much. But i always in my mind wanted her to lose wight and show the physical beutiness too to me. it almost did happen, 2 years ago. i was also 35 pounds more than i am now, and we jointly decided to lose weight. it was a tough time, but we both managed to lose weight. She lost 50 pounds, i lost 30 pounds. everything was so good. she felt very good, i was very happy to see her improving and i did my best to support her. But then i dont know what happened, this whole new life style disappeared for her. she gain the pounds back, i stayed same. Even now, maybe because she is like that, i am much fitter, i run everyday and (totally subjetive) i might have an appealing physical appearance.

 

And this, started to effect our life. she never want to show her body to me, when we want to have sex (which is becoming a rare ocassion), she covers her body. she does not like to discuss anything about her weight or being fat. She does not tell her weight. i do make mistakes of desperation. i try to control the things she eats, i change my face when she orders something fried or sweet. i sometimes talk ironically, implying her situation will soon cause health problems, but what i get is usually a 2 day grumpyness. i do tries all ways of talking, but it simply do not work, because i know it is realy hard to lose it . she loves me too , and she knows that she is losing her appeal over my eyes and she is getting more sad... then she finds comfort on the food again..

 

whenever we went to a doctor one of the first thing they say to her is to lose weight. (maybe they too are prejudious). we do not have a kid although we wanted. she had a mesntruation disorder, i am starting to believe it might be caused by being obese.

 

i do not have any social bad habits. i do not smoke, do not drink a drop of alcohol. do not go out with my friends at nght, i do not gamble, i have never had an affair, i never had a relation with another girl either. i can say i am fairly religious. i help to house works (ok sometimes not enough) i do not demand food preparation, or house works, even she does not work but she usually does anyway.

 

but now that she does not show any faint light over this issue, i am admitting, as a weak man maybe, i find myself sometimes observing other girls around. i do not think i will ever do something againsmt my marriage, this would mean equal to death to me. but i am so desperate to find a solution. i know it is not a big deal to have an overweight wife, i mean i love her. but i cannot help myself sometimes seeing her makes me feel bad. if i cannot feel attracted to my wife how come i can have a healthy marriage?.. i am sorry if i look like a jerk by telling those, but this is how i feel. please tell mw what to do . i am far away from my loved ones, and my wife does not want to talk to me over it. i do not want to have a divorce over this stupid issue....

[Max Zoom]

Max feels sorry for you and your wife too. Max doesn't know if perhapps you have other difficulties or relationship problems with your wife. Is everything else okay?? If the weight thing is the only issue then Max thinks you should take over the shopping and cooking and prepare only healthy meals. If she wants to eat something unhealthy or in excess let her go ahead and go get it but do not participate.

 

Other then this Max is pretty sure that you cannot, by worrying and feeling miserable, cause her to lose weight. Only she can come to that decision. Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to stand by her and love her anyway.

[Jacksin]

I dont have an answer for you hic, but I can relate to what you are saying.

My second wife was homesick for her family on the other side of the world and she started piling on the weight and I rapidly lost interest in her, when she became obese, and started to smell real bad from her fun parlour.

 

Our marriage didnt last much longer once I had lost that interest and we soon parted.

 

Some you win, some you loose

Jack

[kizmet74]

I say leave her... NOW. Let her try to find someone who will love her and treat her right. Do it soon before it's more than just her weight you're b*tching about (you know, like wrinkles and sagging boobs, etc...).

 

I don't doubt that you love her. But the more you let her weight get to you the more depressed she'll get about it and the more weight she'll gain. Either that or she'll go to the other extreme and try to lose the weight in very unhealthy ways such as anorexia and bulemia.

[Adunaphel]

Hello hic,

 

I feel for both you and your wife.

 

Your situation is indeed a difficult one, I guess it would be really different if your wife used to be thin and gained weight after you got married. You'd get a lot more understanding.

 

You said:

 

Honestly i was not happy with her weight in any time, but i didnt care because i loved her much. But i always in my mind wanted her to lose wight and show the physical beutiness too to me.

 

Does she have any clues that you were never really happy with her weight?

 

I mean, did you pretend all the time you liked her exactly as she was, telling her that you loved her curves, or your attitude was a "I like you a lot even if you are not thinner" one? Did you ever mention that you'd find her more attractive if she lost some weight before you got married?

Did you ever mention her that you were worried that one day her weight might become a problem before you got married?

 

I think that if you ever gave her any clues the situation is a little better that if you pretended that everything was okay and she thought you would never ask her to lose some weight.

 

Anyway I'm a little puzzled that her weight has become a problem only after so many years. Are you sure that, as Max Zoom said, there are not other issues/relationship problems?

Are you positive that your sudden dislike of her appearance is not a symptom of a bigger problem?

Was there one precise moment when you started to find your wife unattractive?

 

 

i try to control the things she eats, i change my face when she orders something fried or sweet.

This is a quite rude thing to do to an obese person unless he/she asked that you do it. It will not be useful and only lead to resentment.

besides, if you make faces when she orders fried or sweet stuff, you can't afford to eat one single crisp or sherbet yourself.

 

I think max zoom gave you good advice again here:

If the weight thing is the only issue then Max thinks you should take over the shopping and cooking and prepare only healthy meals. If she wants to eat something unhealthy or in excess let her go ahead and go get it but do not participate.

 

 

Perhaps you should try to give her a break.

That is, don't mention her weight for a while. don't control what she eats or frown upon her choices of food for a while.

Allow her to relax, get over the state she is in now (feeling unattractive and sad).

Make sure she feels loved.

 

And use this time to understand if there are some other bigger problems laying under the weight issue.

 

Could it be possible that her weigh repulses you because you are upset at her for something that she did or say some time ago that hurt you? (weird as it might sound I saw that happen)

 

Out of curiosity....I noticed you use the metric system, where are you from?

[hic]

Your situation is indeed a difficult one, I guess it would be really different if your wife used to be thin and gained weight after you got married. You'd get a lot more understanding.

well as i told, she lost a lot of weight in front of my eyes, she was getting so much better in every aspect, but i really got disappointed, after she get them back badly. it is selfish to say this maybe, but once i saw she could, i wanted her to do it again, because the difference was obvious..

 

Does she have any clues that you were never really happy with her weight?

 

I mean, did you pretend all the time you liked her exactly as she was, telling her that you loved her curves, or your attitude was a "I like you a lot even if you are not thinner" one? Did you ever mention that you'd find her more attractive if she lost some weight before you got married?

Did you ever mention her that you were worried that one day her weight might become a problem before you got married?

 

I think that if you ever gave her any clues the situation is a little better that if you pretended that everything was okay and she thought you would never ask her to lose some weight.

 

before we got marry, i admit i didnt say this things directly much, but she herself told me many times she does not like her situation and she would change. i simply agreed. And please do not got misundestand. through all this years, this behavior of me was not constand. it comes like chrises. as if there is a guy who hates fat people inside me -or letme rephrase, who likes to see her in a normal weight-, and he appears time to time, tell bad things. then i feel regret deeply, because she does not deserver this treatment. because i like her so much. in the beginning, the other guy was appearing so rare, and when it happens i could supress him easiliy. now it is a much frequent , maybe daily basis.. i find myself in a constant fight.

 

Anyway I'm a little puzzled that her weight has become a problem only after so many years. Are you sure that, as Max Zoom said, there are not other issues/relationship problems?

Are you positive that your sudden dislike of her appearance is not a symptom of a bigger problem?

Was there one precise moment when you started to find your wife unattractive?

there was not a precise moment, but after we lost weight, and she gained them both, i think i had an anger in me. And i thank max and you, because maybe there are other problems i did not mention, i think she had a difficult childhood, maybe i am not as good as she expected in sex life , but these are just guesses.

 

This is a quite rude thing to do to an obese person unless he/she asked that you do it. It will not be useful and only lead to resentment.

besides, if you make faces when she orders fried or sweet stuff, you can't afford to eat one single crisp or sherbet yourself.

 

yes. i am aware of that but there are times i cannot help myself, then i realize how rude and hurting i could be. ( my out of curiosity, sherbet? where are you from..?)

 

 

Perhaps you should try to give her a break.

That is, don't mention her weight for a while. don't control what she eats or frown upon her choices of food for a while.

Allow her to relax, get over the state she is in now (feeling unattractive and sad).

Make sure she feels loved.

 

And use this time to understand if there are some other bigger problems laying under the weight issue.

 

Could it be possible that her weigh repulses you because you are upset at her for something that she did or say some time ago that hurt you? (weird as it might sound I saw that happen)

Well, thanks to you and max, unlike others suggestion, i think i want to give a fight one more time.

 

 

Out of curiosity....I noticed you use the metric system, where are you from?

well maybe later i can tell.

[kizmet74]

Go ahead, give it more time. But the more you push her the more she's going to resent you and hate herself. And the more she hates herself, the more weight she'll put on.

 

Keep in mind too... she may have been able to lose the weight before, but what does she have to do to KEEP it off?? It may be genetic, and/or she may have underlying problems that causes her to keep the weight on (psychological as well as physical). Depression is bad about that. There are also other health issues that actually CAUSE someone to gain weight. So think about those too while you're worried about problems the weight might cause... it very well might be the other way around.

[hic]

Originally posted by kizmet74

Go ahead, give it more time. But the more you push her the more she's going to resent you and hate herself. And the more she hates herself, the more weight she'll put on.

 

Keep in mind too... she may have been able to lose the weight before, but what does she have to do to KEEP it off?? It may be genetic, and/or she may have underlying problems that causes her to keep the weight on (psychological as well as physical). Depression is bad about that. There are also other health issues that actually CAUSE someone to gain weight. So think about those too while you're worried about problems the weight might cause... it very well might be the other way around.

 

i do not think it is genetic. because i know that she was not like this when she was in highschool. even she was skinny when she was in elementry school. her parents are not owerwight either. but yes, there might be some underlying physological reasons.

 

well. this morning, after reading through here, and giving a lot of thought, i am not intending to push now, but i will try to let her behave as she wishes, plus i will show my love as much as possible, without any pressure. a difficult one, but i will try.