How do you cope with thoughts of them being with someone else?

[Jingle14]

This is the one thing I find more difficult to deal with than anything, to know he is now being intimate with someone else. My imagination works overtime, images of him naked with someone else doing the things we did, someone else seeing and hearing him in his most intimate moments. It sickens me but every night I get into bed and know he is probably lying naked with someone else, kissing them like he did me, someone else is getting the morning wake up that we always had together. I find it unbearable, it is like a knife wedged deep in my chest. It literally makes me nauseous and I can't make it stop.

 

We had an incredibly physical relationship (neither of us had before, he said he had never seen the point in hugging before me and I was the same but we couldn't leave each other alone, always holding hands and hugging, even in public and that wasn't like me at all) and I keep thinking this is how it must be now for him with my replacement. It's hideous. How can I deal with this?

 

It's 15 months since he dumped me but a year since we last slept together (a week of 'friends with benefits', which was amazing - he said the chemistry and attraction were still there, he even said 'we fit together' but the following week, while I was waiting for him to let me know if he wanted to try again, he started seeing someone else, and didn't even tell me which was incredibly hurtful). He was never very confident but must be now with all the compliments I gave him and I expect that this bitch is now reaping all the benefits of my instilling confidence in him.

[Million.to.1]

Yeah, this sucks.

 

Try to remember the reasons why the relationship failed and stop focusing on the physical good times.

 

Get out and date!

[Jingle14]

Yeah, this sucks.

 

Try to remember the reasons why the relationship failed and stop focusing on the physical good times.

 

Get out and date!

 

I couldn't possibly - tried it, briefly, even slept with a couple of people I knew but it was no use at all, I just thought of him and these people never stood a chance. I am now resolved not to get involved with anyone ever again, they won't be him so I am not interested.

 

I do try and remember, often, why it didn't work but we were such a fantastic match, especially physically, that's it's very difficult to move on. Imagination is a killer.

[Coffee20]

hmm I undestand you, my ex has now a gf and my imagination works very hard now.....I try to occupy my mind but at night it's the worst, I almost can't sleep

I felt strong chemistry towards him too, but sadly he didn't feel it

I hope that time will heal

[Jingle14]

hmm I undestand you, my ex has now a gf and my imagination works very hard now.....I try to occupy my mind but at night it's the worst, I almost can't sleep

I felt strong chemistry towards him too, but sadly he didn't feel it

I hope that time will heal

 

Night is the worst, the only respite is the nights I know his daughter stays as I think it highly unlikely, knowing him, that he would have anyone stay over when the little treasured princess is there.

 

We both had amazing chemistry, even in the 3 years we knew each other but weren't together, it was there from the first time we met. I guess for him though, it wore off, sadly.

[Axolotls]

I know exactly how you feel, i just logged in right now to ask the exact same question, word for word.

 

I'm in a very dark place right now, my wife of 10 years left me 2 months ago, we married young and she has never been with another man or have a boyfriend before me. I can't get her out of my head, i'm so lonely and anxious and have shaking panic attacks when i think of her with someone else, i consider myself a strong minded man and i've never felt this much physical or mental pain in my life, like you said, it feels like a knife slowly sinking into my chest and i can't breath, worst part is i don't know why she left, she won't speak to me and only tells me that she's so sorry and hopefully one day i will understand why she has had to do this, it's driving me insane.

 

Questions i ask myself all day are why she left? is there someone else? has it been physical or emotional? is she happy now? did she ever love me? what will i say if i find out there was someone else but she wants me back?

 

Sorry, i've gone on about myself. I know how you feel, it hurts so bad and drives the mind crazy with images and visions, then you have the fear, anxiety and self doubt or low self-esteem.

 

I think we need to tell ourselves that we have no control over what the other person is doing or how they feel right now because it's not up to us, it is up to them, we can't make someone love us or want to be with us if they simply don't, our partners are not thinking about us anymore so why should we be wasting our time and physical and emotional energy on them, no matter how much we love or loved them, it just hurts us more...not them.

 

I'm a 30 year old man that has always been strong willed and level headed but these are by far the worst days of my life and i can only wish that time heals me. Hope you're ok and time heals you too. Thank you

[Hindsight_is_20_20]

There is no answer to this. It's going to suck until enough time has gone by and you have found other distractions. With distractions come other interests and with those interests you won't think about him like that as much. Then, awhile from now, in what will feel like a different lifetime, you'll look back and that intense disgust you felt when thinking of him with other girls won't be there because you have slowly been detaching from him in your new life.

 

Or, it'll dissapear when you like someone else more.

[CopingGal]

Imagine yourself in bed with someone. Make up a guy. Make him really, really good looking. See him in your mind. When you go to bed at night, imagine you are in bed with this guy. It helps. Also, get a teddy bear or a rag-doll and hold it close at night. That helps too.

[Jingle14]

I know exactly how you feel, i just logged in right now to ask the exact same question, word for word.

 

I'm in a very dark place right now, my wife of 10 years left me 2 months ago, we married young and she has never been with another man or have a boyfriend before me. I can't get her out of my head, i'm so lonely and anxious and have shaking panic attacks when i think of her with someone else, i consider myself a strong minded man and i've never felt this much physical or mental pain in my life, like you said, it feels like a knife slowly sinking into my chest and i can't breath, worst part is i don't know why she left, she won't speak to me and only tells me that she's so sorry and hopefully one day i will understand why she has had to do this, it's driving me insane.

 

Questions i ask myself all day are why she left? is there someone else? has it been physical or emotional? is she happy now? did she ever love me? what will i say if i find out there was someone else but she wants me back?

 

Sorry, i've gone on about myself. I know how you feel, it hurts so bad and drives the mind crazy with images and visions, then you have the fear, anxiety and self doubt or low self-esteem.

 

I think we need to tell ourselves that we have no control over what the other person is doing or how they feel right now because it's not up to us, it is up to them, we can't make someone love us or want to be with us if they simply don't, our partners are not thinking about us anymore so why should we be wasting our time and physical and emotional energy on them, no matter how much we love or loved them, it just hurts us more...not them.

 

I'm a 30 year old man that has always been strong willed and level headed but these are by far the worst days of my life and i can only wish that time heals me. Hope you're ok and time heals you too. Thank you

 

Before I read this, I saw another post you'd put on another thread I've also posted on and your words were so heartfelt and heartbreaking, they really spoke to me and also clearly showed how raw you are, and confused right now, that I had to look at your other posts and that's when I saw this reply to mine.

 

There's nothing I can say, I can only empathise and say I hope it is a small comfort to know you are not alone in what you are going through, however trite or cliched that sounds. I know you are the one who is alone at home going through your torture, just trying to get through every day while being in a daze of misery, hopelessness, helplessness and confusion, of unbearable pain that you can see no ending to. I know all that, so do most people who are on here - we all of us with there was no need for this forum and certainly no need for any of us to be on here. Know that people - strangers who have compassion for another person in their time of grief - are there to listen and that people do care. Best wishes to you.

[Minka333]

It is definitely hard to fathom especially if we truly loved every cell/pore of their bodies and soul. Like if only we could keep them inside a bottle and own them forever we would.

 

I deal with this by completely shutting the man off my life after we break up. I never ask, search or probe about their lives anymore. That way, i don't know anything and in my mind only our shared moments remains. I hate to taint those memories with thoughts of other women.

 

What you don't know won't hurt..

I always leave it like that.

[todreaminblue]

This is the one thing I find more difficult to deal with than anything, to know he is now being intimate with someone else. My imagination works overtime, images of him naked with someone else doing the things we did, someone else seeing and hearing him in his most intimate moments. It sickens me but every night I get into bed and know he is probably lying naked with someone else, kissing them like he did me, someone else is getting the morning wake up that we always had together. I find it unbearable, it is like a knife wedged deep in my chest. It literally makes me nauseous and I can't make it stop.

 

We had an incredibly physical relationship (neither of us had before, he said he had never seen the point in hugging before me and I was the same but we couldn't leave each other alone, always holding hands and hugging, even in public and that wasn't like me at all) and I keep thinking this is how it must be now for him with my replacement. It's hideous. How can I deal with this?

 

It's 15 months since he dumped me but a year since we last slept together (a week of 'friends with benefits', which was amazing - he said the chemistry and attraction were still there, he even said 'we fit together' but the following week, while I was waiting for him to let me know if he wanted to try again, he started seeing someone else, and didn't even tell me which was incredibly hurtful). He was never very confident but must be now with all the compliments I gave him and I expect that this bitch is now reaping all the benefits of my instilling confidence in him.

 

 

 

I taught my ex a fair bit........he was shy when it came to making love even about his size which was normal by the way......he now probably makes her(new partner) very happy......i try not to keep images of what i have done with him in my head ........thinking about someone else does help so i would think when you are attracted to someone in an intimate way then it changes .....music even has changed for me i cant listen to goodbye songs.....or breakup songs because i am thinking of this guy i am attracted to and that is strange because i am not actually even with him.......but when i listen to my sensual music or beats or breakup songs its his face i see.....makes me feel retarded....smilin......

 

lets get retarded shall we (black eyed peas)

 

 

anyway....you will change....it might take a new guy to make that change....i dont think about my ex in any way sexual anymore.....have had desire though....just now it is someone else i am thinking about dont give a rats ass what he does....i taught it to him anyway....lol.....ill teach someone else...hopefully one day the face i see.....smilin....god might be nice to me.....good luck.....meet someone new....it would be good for you....deb

[Jingle14]

It is definitely hard to fathom especially if we truly loved every cell/pore of their bodies and soul. Like if only we could keep them inside a bottle and own them forever we would.

 

I deal with this by completely shutting the man off my life after we break up. I never ask, search or probe about their lives anymore. That way, i don't know anything and in my mind only our shared moments remains. I hate to taint those memories with thoughts of other women.

 

What you don't know won't hurt..

I always leave it like that.

 

This is helpful advice, thanks. I'm the same, I just don't want to know - I only know there is someone else because I felt it instinctively shortly after the last time we were 'together' and I confronted him outright. That's when he admitted he had been seeing someone 'for about a week'. I then heard from my ex husband that it was someone from this man's running club - as I had suspected. But that's all I know. I don't know if they are still together - to seek clarification would possibly tell me something I don't want to know - I am assuming they are and, if so, their anniversary is this week and that in itself is difficult. I have never, ever, not once, been tempted to look on his Facebook, I just don't want to know anything at all. But my imagination still haunts me.

[Jingle14]

I taught my ex a fair bit........he was shy when it came to making love even about his size which was normal by the way......

 

Yeah, same with him, he'd had a real hang up about it since his mates teased him in the shower when he was 17 and had assumed they were right. I was only his second partner so he'd not had anyone else to tell him otherwise until I came along. After he dumped me, he asked me if I had meant what I said about his size (I did) - his ego was all he cared about.

[barese1]

This is the worst thing ever to have to deal with after a BU. Friends can be there to replace the comfort of being close with someone but the thought of them sleeping with someone else kills us. I have no idea how to stop thinking about it other than saying they can do what they want. One day it won't matter. I wish there was advice, I've scoured the net and found nothing that usefull other than accepting it and letting go but that is impossible.

 

I worry mainly that I wasn't great in bed with my ex, and everytime I have amazing sex with my current girl I wonder why I wasn't that great with the ex.

 

Truth is this doesn't matter. IT DOESN'T MATTER! This is what we need to keep telling ourselves.

[Jingle14]

This is the worst thing ever to have to deal with after a BU. Friends can be there to replace the comfort of being close with someone but the thought of them sleeping with someone else kills us. I have no idea how to stop thinking about it other than saying they can do what they want. One day it won't matter. I wish there was advice, I've scoured the net and found nothing that usefull other than accepting it and letting go but that is impossible.

 

I worry mainly that I wasn't great in bed with my ex, and everytime I have amazing sex with my current girl I wonder why I wasn't that great with the ex.

 

Truth is this doesn't matter. IT DOESN'T MATTER! This is what we need to keep telling ourselves.

 

But it does though, doesn't it. And that's the other killer, no matter how much we try and convince ourselves they are evil monsters and that it doesn't matter what they get up to (and lets be honest, they don't give a damn what we're doing - my ex once sent me a text, just before I found out he was seeing someone else but a few days after I was in his bed, saying 'I hope it works out' with someone I had forced myself to go out on a 'date' with and this broke my heart as the idea of me kissing someone else would always have been horrific to him but that showed me he had moved on and didn't give a ****) we know we are lying to ourselves. I know I am anyway.

[barese1]

When I say it doesn't matter what I mean is this:

 

I hate the thought of the ex with someone else. It hurts. When it pops into my mind I feel disgusted. But it does not matter what they are doing. Just because it upsets us does not mean it matters. They are no longer with us and can do what they want with who they want.

 

When I sleep with my current girl, it has nothing to do with the ex. The only difference is that it doesn't bother her, whereas it bothers me.

 

That's what I mean by it doesn't matter. We and the ex are free to do what we/they want. There will come a point where it no longer hurts.

 

I just wish I could not think about being with her, and now someone else is.

[Jingle14]

When I say it doesn't matter what I mean is this:

 

I hate the thought of the ex with someone else. It hurts. When it pops into my mind I feel disgusted. But it does not matter what they are doing. Just because it upsets us does not mean it matters. They are no longer with us and can do what they want with who they want.

 

When I sleep with my current girl, it has nothing to do with the ex. The only difference is that it doesn't bother her, whereas it bothers me.

 

That's what I mean by it doesn't matter. We and the ex are free to do what we/they want. There will come a point where it no longer hurts.

 

I just wish I could not think about being with her, and now someone else is.

 

I hope so, I hope you're right and that one day there will be a point where it doesn't hurt any more. And I absolutely echo your last paragraph. You are kind of lucky you are now someone else, this must help a little - I hope you are happy with her at least, does she know you still miss your ex? - there is no-one else for me, I just am not interested in anyone, he was my 'one' and I thought I was his (for a time I was, I know that was true). Obviously not.

[barese1]

I hope so, I hope you're right and that one day there will be a point where it doesn't hurt any more. And I absolutely echo your last paragraph. You are kind of lucky you are now someone else, this must help a little - I hope you are happy with her at least, does she know you still miss your ex? - there is no-one else for me, I just am not interested in anyone, he was my 'one' and I thought I was his (for a time I was, I know that was true). Obviously not.

 

I broke up with the previous ex after being togetherfor 3 years. I lived with her and was sure she was the one. When we BU I was so lost. I thought I'd lost the one for me. I thought about her everyday.

 

After about 5 months I started to think about her a lot lot less. Then I met the current ex and really liked what I saw. Immediately I didn't care about the old ex. Couldn't give a crap if 10 men were slamming her every day.

 

I am with a new girl, althought its not too serious. She doesn't know I'm still hung up on my ex and honestly I don't know whether to stick with it or not. It does help a little yes, but its not fair on her. I like her, but not the same way I liked my ex when I first met her.

[Jingle14]

I broke up with the previous ex after being togetherfor 3 years. I lived with her and was sure she was the one. When we BU I was so lost. I thought I'd lost the one for me. I thought about her everyday.

 

After about 5 months I started to think about her a lot lot less. Then I met the current ex and really liked what I saw. Immediately I didn't care about the old ex. Couldn't give a crap if 10 men were slamming her every day.

 

I am with a new girl, althought its not too serious. She doesn't know I'm still hung up on my ex and honestly I don't know whether to stick with it or not. It does help a little yes, but its not fair on her. I like her, but not the same way I liked my ex when I first met her.

 

Know what you mean and in your heart of hearts you know that you'd know by now if that was ever going to change. Maybe it would do her a favour to get out now before it does become too serious (hopefully she sees it now the same way you do). I really tried to go out with other people and one really liked me (on paper he was ideal too, ticked all the boxes and was, being shallow, better looking than my ex but there was just no chemistry there at all, whereas me and 'him' had nothing but) and I ran a mile when his exhuberant texts, only 1 week in, just got too much and I haven't seen the fella since. I back off whenever I think someone is thinking of me in 'that way'. My friend thinks the only time 'he' will be bothered is when he sees me happy with someone else and sees that I have 'moved on' and am no longer there at the snap of his fingers as he no doubt thinks (rightly) that I am now. I don't think he'll ever be bothered at all.