I am falling hard for my Brother In Law, Help me get over this!

[stillafool]

We dont talk everyday, I didnt speak to him at all yesterday, and before that went about 4 days without talking because I have been trying to get past this. I just needed a push from you all to give it up for good. And for you being so harsh, i see you almost had an affair as well by reading your old post? So you have to know some what of how I feel (Minus the family part).

 

Yes it isn't easy. But please leave family out of it. You would be crossing into territory that your H would never be able to forgive. Glad you woke up.

[silicone]

You've already kissed him and felt his genitalia with clothes on? If my girlfriend did that, she'd be out.

[Owl]

Here's my thought.

 

Stop "staying for the kids".

 

Either fix your marriage so that you want to stay in it for yourself...or end it and walk the heck away.

 

Focus on resolving THAT problem right now.

 

Tell BIL that you guys need to stop talking and crossing those lines until you both get your marriages resolved...either fixed or ended.

 

Then focus on fixing your own situation.

 

Once you get that resolved, you'll either find yourselves free to do whatever you want with whomever you want...or find yourselves happy with where you're at and no need to go outside to someonee else for anything.

[prissy459]

Here's my thought.

 

Stop "staying for the kids".

 

Either fix your marriage so that you want to stay in it for yourself...or end it and walk the heck away.

 

Focus on resolving THAT problem right now.

 

Tell BIL that you guys need to stop talking and crossing those lines until you both get your marriages resolved...either fixed or ended.

 

Then focus on fixing your own situation.

 

Once you get that resolved, you'll either find yourselves free to do whatever you want with whomever you want...or find yourselves happy with where you're at and no need to go outside to someonee else for anything.

 

 

Exactly what I'm going to do! I texted him and said that we needed to stop this because i want to work on my marriage and to please respect my wishes. He said Okay I understand, so we shall see!

[Owl]

Excellent! So now I'd suggest a thread somewhere on LS to talk about what's lacking in your marriage, and your plans to address that.

[2sunny]

If you pay attention to him - you will grow that connection bigger.

 

If you ignore him - he will go away. Block him!

 

Spend time and energy on YOUR HUSBAND - grow THAT relationship connection bigger - and be honest with your H. Tell him you got interested in someone else and need to find that spark with him again.

[trinity1]

BS!

 

Most marriages get boring at some point. Folks in boring marriages are boring people. OP is probably boring and her H is bored with her. Folks that are not boring do not allow the marriage to become boring.

 

This is not about being bored. This ALL about being a cheater.

 

Cheaters cheat because they do not have the same ethics as non-cheaters.

 

The above is probably the worst post of the 2012.

 

Did you see me write anything about "being bored"? I was talking about needs not being met in a marriage. Failure to recognize that and either make sure your needs are met in the marriage or move on away from a marriage which is /no longer/ meeting your needs is likely to lead to an EMR. How can that be the worst post of 2012?

[scatterd]

I would avoid talking to him at all cost. This could come out some day. Also you never know if he could throw you under the bus and you set him up. I am sure your husband loves is sister and if they talk something could come up that thay can put two and two together. This is way to close to home and could effect your future especially where children are concerned. You talked about you sister in law doing something to you both. Do you think this far out weighs what she did?

[Quiet Storm]

The dog you feed more will be the one that gets bigger.

 

Stop feeding your attraction to BIL and focus that energy on your husband.

[Quiet Storm]

Not divorcing bc of the kids is NOT doing them any favors, imo. They deserve their parents to be happy and fulfilled people - not two people who are miserable in some false noble attempt at protecting them, imo.

 

 

 

Unless there is abuse or addiction involved, most kids want their parents to stay together regardless of their parents "happiness". Doing this to your kids sends the message "My happiness is more important than yours" If you feel this way, and are ready to toss your marriage because of boredom, then you should've never had kids, IMO. Their stability and well being should trump sex & romance.

 

Kids want their lives intact, with both parents there to support and nuture them. Whether their parents are sexually or romantically fulfilled is not even on their radar. If you are so miserable that you can't parent them, get counseling and learn to be happy regardless of the men in your life.

 

Instead of exploding your kids lives, find other ways to be "fulfilled". Get hobbies, friends, activities, d!ldos. Sex & romance are only one method of fulfillment.

[AnotherRound]

Did you see me write anything about "being bored"? I was talking about needs not being met in a marriage. Failure to recognize that and either make sure your needs are met in the marriage or move on away from a marriage which is /no longer/ meeting your needs is likely to lead to an EMR. How can that be the worst post of 2012?

 

I thought the same thing Trinity... I do not believe the "welcome to marriage" bit. If that is how marriages work, that at some point you won't be attracted to your partner any longer, why does anyone get married? Why would anyone agree to live most of their lives with a partner that they are not interested in? And not just sexually, but in all ways - as I believe the other stuff leads to the sexual attraction.

 

I just don't understand it. If you do not want to be intimate with your SO, then you are in the WRONG relationship. That is the ONLY thing that makes it an intimate relationship! Not just sex, but all kinds of intimacy. If you don't have that, you have nothing. Why anyone would want that, or just be okay with that, is beyond me.

 

I think some folks just don't want to "move on" bc they want to be "locked in for life" bc that feels safe and secure to them. I would much prefer to be happy over safe and secure, hands down, any day. If that means leaving a relationship that isn't working for me any longer, then so be it. I would try to work on it, but if it just isn't there, no sense hanging around and pretending to have an intimate partnership. That is unhealthily avoidant, imo.

[AnotherRound]

Unless there is abuse or addiction involved, most kids want their parents to stay together regardless of their parents "happiness". Doing this to your kids sends the message "My happiness is more important than yours" If you feel this way, and are ready to toss your marriage because of boredom, then you should've never had kids, IMO. Their stability and well being should trump sex & romance.

 

Kids want their lives intact, with both parents there to support and nuture them. Whether their parents are sexually or romantically fulfilled is not even on their radar. If you are so miserable that you can't parent them, get counseling and learn to be happy regardless of the men in your life.

 

Instead of exploding your kids lives, find other ways to be "fulfilled". Get hobbies, friends, activities, d!ldos. Sex & romance are only one method of fulfillment.

 

Kids want a lot of things. Some of them want to eat candy for dinner every day. Truth is, kids do NOT always know what is best for them. We, as adults, often have to make decisions in their best interest, even if it is painful at first. If you are not willing to do what is best for your children, then you shouldn't have ever had children in the first place either, imo.

 

I'm not talking just sex and romance here. I'm talking connections - significant connections. If two parents do not have that, the kids are learning that relationships are for convenience, not love. If that's what you want to teach your children, so be it. But as a person who works with kids, you are NOT doing them a favor. Of course they want their parents to be together - what kid doesn't? But sometimes, it's unhealthy for their parents to be together - even if it isn't abusive (although, abuse is debatable here as some would consider withholding emotional intimacy from a partner IS, in fact, abusive).

 

As an adult, I do not let the children in my world make adult decisions for me. Sometimes, I have to make them unhappy in order to assure that their best interests are being served. That's part of life. And unfortunately, divorce is part of life for many children. It's not the end of the world, and it can be handled in a way that the children adjust extremely well. The world isn't going to handle them with kid gloves forever, they have to learn to adapt sometimes. Is it painful? Yep, but if the adults are handling their business, it will be a blip in their world, not the determining factor.

 

As a child who came from divorce parents, I am GLAD that they got divorced. When I was 7, I hated it. I didn't want it. But that's because I was 7 and had NO idea the intricacies of adult relationships. Nor should I have had knowledge of that, nor was it my problem or my worry. It was theirs, and they handled it in the best way for everyone. And in most cases, it IS the BEST way for all involved. Children deserve to have two happy parents - if that requires the parents to be apart, then so be it. I would much rather that than be raising children in homes where their only model for an adult relationship is dysfunctional and miserable.

[Jadotch]

I have no advice. I can just say I understand, I am in a similar situation, but not as complex. (I actually typed a long post out yesterday, but it was ate by the internet.) I am headed down that path with a taken female as well. I am about at the same stage, we have kissed and touched through clothes.

 

It is so weird knowing you are doing wrong, but cannot help but to send that text or email anyways. You even say to yourself, I should not send this, then you press send. Then you hope the other person does not reply or rejects you, and at the same time know they will not.

 

Everytime something has happened we both say we can not do this again, yet we do. It is almost like another personality in you that you cannot control.

 

Yet I cannot help my attraction.

 

Maybe this helps to know that others are dealing with this as well. It is hard, it is hard being in that moment.

 

Stay strong and good luck.

[Jadotch]

The ability to resist sexual urges is entirely human.

 

I cannot understand why you cannot control yourself.

 

I think you can, but you won't.

 

Unless you are not human.

 

 

It truly is a different state of mind. It is more than just sexual urges that are at play.

 

Me, personally, have never 'felt' this way before. (I am not saying towards her, but the uncontrollable behavior.) I have turned people away that I have been attracted to before for ethical reasons.

 

I would say it is similar to OCD or an addiction. It is actually pretty fascinating if it was not happening to me, and not hurting anyone.

 

You are absolutely right, I should be able to control it, but it is not as simple as lust. There is more going on.

Edited September 27, 2012 by Jadotch

[ThatJustHappened]

It truly is a different state of mind. It is more than just sexual urges that are at play.

 

Me, personally, have never 'felt' this way before. (I am not saying towards her, but the uncontrollable behavior.) I have turned people away that I have been attracted to before for ethical reasons.

 

I would say it is similar to OCD or an addiction. It is actually pretty fascinating if it was not happening to me, and not hurting anyone.

 

You are absolutely right, I should be able to control it, but it is not as simple as lust. There is more going on.

 

You could. Just stop telling yourself you can't, and then stop doing it. And see a shrink to work on your impulse issues.

[Quiet Storm]

Do you believe that it's a good message to send to children that the happiness of their parents don't matter? Kids are pretty self-centric and amazingly adaptable... and I've seen the exact opposite of what you've discussed(not just in regards to infidelity, but overall) and either way I think teaching kids that they are the center of the universe is faulty at best.

 

There should be a happy medium.

 

First, I know my opinion on this subject is not a popular one, so I really don't expect anyone to agree with me. I just want to offer a different perspective for those that may be reading.

 

It's not that the happiness of the parents shouldn't matter. It's just that many people in "boring" marriages find that they are not happier after divorce. They struggle. Often for years. So the divorce is not usually creating a happier environment for the child, but a more stressful one. The grass is not always greener on the other side, and I just hate when kids involved are the collateral damage from their parents personal quest for happiness. Kids can be adaptable, but really, they have no choice but to adapt when their family is falling apart. Kids whose parents die adpat. Kids affected by war or poverty adapt. Adapting does not = thriving. I don't want to intentionally put my kids in situations where they are forced to adapt. I want them to be able to thrive in an enviroment without those kinds of stresses and worries. Some traumas in life such as death or illness, we have no control over.

 

There are many ways to teach your kids that they are not the center of the universe, and I don't think bringing that kind of pain on your kids is the best way to teach that lesson.

 

Kids want a lot of things. Some of them want to eat candy for dinner every day. Truth is, kids do NOT always know what is best for them. We, as adults, often have to make decisions in their best interest, even if it is painful at first. If you are not willing to do what is best for your children, then you shouldn't have ever had children in the first place either, imo.

 

I'm not talking just sex and romance here. I'm talking connections - significant connections. If two parents do not have that, the kids are learning that relationships are for convenience, not love. If that's what you want to teach your children, so be it. But as a person who works with kids, you are NOT doing them a favor. Of course they want their parents to be together - what kid doesn't? But sometimes, it's unhealthy for their parents to be together - even if it isn't abusive (although, abuse is debatable here as some would consider withholding emotional intimacy from a partner IS, in fact, abusive).

 

As an adult, I do not let the children in my world make adult decisions for me. Sometimes, I have to make them unhappy in order to assure that their best interests are being served. That's part of life. And unfortunately, divorce is part of life for many children. It's not the end of the world, and it can be handled in a way that the children adjust extremely well. The world isn't going to handle them with kid gloves forever, they have to learn to adapt sometimes. Is it painful? Yep, but if the adults are handling their business, it will be a blip in their world, not the determining factor.

 

As a child who came from divorce parents, I am GLAD that they got divorced. When I was 7, I hated it. I didn't want it. But that's because I was 7 and had NO idea the intricacies of adult relationships. Nor should I have had knowledge of that, nor was it my problem or my worry. It was theirs, and they handled it in the best way for everyone. And in most cases, it IS the BEST way for all involved. Children deserve to have two happy parents - if that requires the parents to be apart, then so be it. I would much rather that than be raising children in homes where their only model for an adult relationship is dysfunctional and miserable.

 

Comparing a childs want for candy to their need for a stable home is just ... I can't even comment. You may think that a broken home is what's best for a child, but I disagree. I believe it's in a child's best interest to keep the family together, you don't. I think many MM father's instinctually feel it's better to stay together, as well, which is why so many MM stay married. I totally agree that if you aren't willing to do what's best for the children, you shouldn't have had them in the first place. I just don't agree that it's best for the child to break up a home, unless it is in cases of abuse or addiction.

 

If you work with kids, can't see that children from intact homes do better? (unless abuse or addiction are involved). They are more likely to get better grades. Less likely to do drugs or drink. Less likely to be promiscuous. 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls in the US are sexually abused, and many of those are at the hands of stepdads or mom's boyfriend, who wouldn't have been in the picture if their dad was in the home. Of course it would be optimal if the parents were still in love, but that's not a requirement for a happy home & healthy kids, IMO, and I think that is a lesser evil than the trauma of divorce. Most divorced women don't go from a boring marriage into a happy relationship. They struggle with dating, their focus changes, they have to balance their personal lives with motherhood and work, and usually have more financial stress to cope with.

 

In a perfect world, divorces could be amicable and both parents would be 100% focused on helping their children through it, both parents would remain very involved in their childrens lives, both parents would keep their negative feelings about the other parent out of it, both parents would consider a child's feelings when it comes to dating. I could agree with you if this were the case. But it's not a perfect world, and most cases don't work out that way. Since you work with kids, I'm really surprised you can't see the effects because that has not been my experience at all. Kids have to deal with the divided loyalty. Kids have to deal with guilt. Kids have to deal with feeling pushed aside. Kids think, if I was only a better kid, Daddy would stay. They blame themselves. Kids have to deal with dads that are involved the first year and gradually fade away and start new families. Kids have to deal with mom's that are all wrapped up in their new boyfriends and the drama of being single again. Mom on the computer, tuning them out, mom texting her new man, mom crying when new guy dumps her. Dad spending more time and money on his GF's kids than his own. Dad resenting the money taken out of his paycheck. Those things are the reality of divorce for so many kids, not the happiness you describe! So many boys must learn to be men without their dads around (70% of inmates are from broken homes). Girls that feel abandoned by their fathers have low self esteem and often get involved in dysfunctional relationships with emotionally unavailable men (how many OW didn't have dad's at home?). I believe it's more risky for a kid to face those obstacles than the horrible stress of not seeing their parents kiss.

 

Kids will face adversity in life and should be prepared for it, but this is not the way to teach that lesson, IMO. I say, let outsiders be the ones that hurt your kids. Let them learn that it's a rough world by dealing with their peers, bullies, cliques, assh0le boyfriends, mean teachers and crazy bosses...not their own family. I don't want to be the perpetrator of their pain, I want to be the one that builds them up when OTHER people try to break them down. Stability and security are what gives kids the opportunity to thrive. I want to wipe their tears, not be the cause. Yes, kids survive divorce, they tolerate their new lives, but do they truly thrive? I would guess about half of them don't, they struggle and flounder and have self esteem issues and poor coping skills. A 50/50 chance would be too big of a risk for me to take with my kids, although I know many feel differently. I would take a bullet for my kids, so doing all I could do to keep the family together would be a small sacrifice to make.

 

My husband and I have an affectionate, loving and sexual marriage. But even if we were just roommates, I think the kids would be better off having both parents in the home. You are glad that your parents divorced, but you really don't know how your life would've turned out if they hadn't. You adapted because you had no choice. If you were in a terrible situation with yelling & screaming fights, then yes, you are better off. If your parents split and everyone ended up happy and healthier, great for you. However, in another thread you mention your childhood and say "I grew up to be desensitized to emotional hurt." I think that statement is telling. If divorce was a positive step forward for most kids, AR, I'd agree with your post. But unfortunately, I don't see it working out that way for most kids. I see most kids ending up with trust issues or desensitized. MM know the value of the family unit, and most want their families to remain intact. When affairs are discovered, most MM fight to save their family. Most MM aren't cheating to exit their marriages, they are cheating to either tolerate or supplement their marriages. They know it's best for their kids to have an intact family, but they go about keeping their families intact in a selfish & dishonest way, coping by getting their romantic and sexual needs elsewhere, instead focusing that energy on mending the marriage.

Edited September 28, 2012 by Quiet Storm

[prissy459]

I still have not spoken to him since calling it off, i look back and wonder to myself WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING! I dont know how i let myself get caught up in that. thanks again for all of the replies that pushed me to let this go.

[Artie Lang]

sorry, prissy but i'm not buying your last post. you just started this thread 2 days ago totally smitten with him, now your telling me you've come to your senses just like that?!

 

not trying to bash you, but it takes a lot longer to let go of a crush, let alone what you two have already been scheming.

 

just my $0.02

[2sunny]

I still have not spoken to him since calling it off, i look back and wonder to myself WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING! I dont know how i let myself get caught up in that. thanks again for all of the replies that pushed me to let this go.

 

Has he tried to reach you? Have you blocked him?

[prissy459]

sorry, prissy but i'm not buying your last post. you just started this thread 2 days ago totally smitten with him, now your telling me you've come to your senses just like that?!

 

not trying to bash you, but it takes a lot longer to let go of a crush, let alone what you two have already been scheming.

 

just my $0.02

 

 

I have been trying to get over him on and off lately, I came here to get that Push i needed to 100% let go. yes its hard, but when i asked him to respect my wishes that i wanted to move on, he said he would. I had never asked or told him that before. & yes still, i have not talked to him.

[prissy459]

The pain you would cause with this affair would be catastrophic to your H, your kids, her kids, and lastly you. You would regret sleeping with that man till the day you die. I beg you to apply the brakes as you are doing. Trust me on this one, the pain will be incredibly high. And lets not forget the shame.

 

 

Very True. Thanks.

[William]

Queued for review.