My Partner of 2 1/2 yrs has left me and I want her and our daughter back as a family

[samboy]

My partner of 2 and 1/2 yrs has recently left me and I desperately want her back. I would like some advice as to what I can do. I have tried everything that I know to convince her to give us a second chance to work through our issues and to date she is pushing me away because of the hurt that she feels. She tells me that she still loves me but not in love with me anymore. So many things have happened over the past month.

 

Before I start, I need you to know that I truly love this person and I believe I have found my soul mate. I have tried over the past 2 1/2 years not to repeat the wrongs of the past and I have been devoted to meet her needs. We get on very well and are very intimate couple. Making love to her is magical.

 

I suspect that this all started about a year ago. I had been divorced and my ex-wife had taken our two boys (2 and 9) overseas to stay permanently. There was a lot of bitterness on the part of my ex-wife because she believed that the break up of our marriage was due to my present partner. It was not. At the same time, my partner and I had a daughter who was 26 weeks premature and things became very stressful as our daughter nearly died on three occasions and numerous other possible complications. During this time we supported each other as best as we could. However, I found this period to be particularly more stressful as I was being denied access by telephone to my children overseas by both my ex-wife and in particular her parents (she was staying with them). With all that was going on I began to fall into a black hole of despair and really missed my kids. I couldn't talk about this with my partner as I didn't want to burden her with even more pressure she was under. Moreover, anything to do with my ex-wife always created friction because my partner was afraid that I would leave her and go back to my ex-wife. I would never have done that.

 

However, I was desperate to talk to my kids and the only way I could achieve this was to email my ex-wife and be friendly and explain to her how important it was to contact the children. I mentioned to her that I missed the children and her and even told her that I dream about her and the kids (about what we use to do and places) but I never once mentioned that I loved her or wanted to get back - that was never my intention. It seemed to work and I found that I could telephone the children without facing the typical excuses that they were out or too busy playing, etc.

 

About 5 months ago my partner reads these emails by accident and went ballistic. She told me that I had hurt her badly because of the things that I had said in the emails and that she didn't trust me anymore. I tried to explain to her that the emails were only a way of getting to phone my boys, but she didn'y believe me.

 

I pleaded with her that the emails meant nothing and that we were building a life together (we were building a house at the time of the emails, me always talking about marriage in the future, our goals, dreams, etc) and that was the only thing I/we wanted.

 

She finally accepted the fact that I did this out of the need to contact my children but she cannot get the emails out of her mind and repeats the fact that I should be dreaming about her and not my ex-wife.

 

She went to see a councillor three times to reconcile her feelings. I told her that I felt that it would be best if we both went to see a councillor but she kept saying it was her problem that she had to deal with it. I knew that this was dangerous because she is a very emotional person and is driven by emotion issues rather than by fact.

 

Everything seem to be okay for a while and occasionally the subject would be brought up. Because I thought that I had did nothing wrong (i.e., was not unfaithful, did not want to go back to my ex, wanted to build a future with my partner who I loved very much and was doing what i could to show her this), I didn't pay enough attention to her emotional needs. In other words, she felt as if I didn't want to listen to her feelings and fears. I realise now that I did not pick up on how much she was hurting and how her feelings were being put down by my insensitivity. In my world, everything was okay and we made love and did all the things that happy couples do together.

 

However, she began to get phone calls when I was at work that implied that I was having an affair and "do you know where he is, etc". Let me state quite strongly that I have never ever cheated or even thought about cheating on my partner. I love her and respect too much to do that. I have no reason to cheat on her. When the first phone call came, my partner approached me and she knew that it was probably my ex-wife who was behind this. However, when the second one came (after the email incident), my partner became suspicious. She didn't tell me about this until the break up. I was working interstate about a month ago when she received a third call. I didn't know this until I tried to phone and text her without a response. I immediate flew back to find that she left me.

 

I asked her why she had left and she said that she no longer felt the same way about me and that she wanted to separate. I couldn't believe that in such a short period of time we were so happy and now she wanted to separate. Up till then she gave no indication of wanting to leave and things appear very happy.

 

It was then that I discovered her mobile phone bill and saw that she was sending up to 20 text messages to her ex bf. Moreover, she made a pretense of going to see her friend went to see him at his place. I was furious as I thought that she wanted to leave me because of the trust issue and that she found a quick way of getting out of this relationship. I felt betrayed and hurt that after all we had gone through, done and built together that she would throw it all away. I confronted her and she said it wasn't what i thought. I asked her to explain and we were patient and calm. She explained that her ex bf had seen her at the market and our daughter. Our daughter is fair skinned whereas I am dark skinned and my partner fair skinned. Her ex bf is also fair skinned and he thought that our daughter was actually his. I thought that this was stupid because the maths did not add up whether our daughter was full term or 26 weeks premature. With all those text messages and phone calls I thought that a relationship was forming that was to take her away.

 

I told her that I she knew how I felt about this guy being in our lives and that any contact would make it hard for us. She agreed and told me that she had talked to him and told him that they could not contact each other or even be friends. I was happy that she had done this and felt sure that I could trust her.

 

Over the next few days things began to get worse at home and she became withdrawn and tired. I was upset that she was as loving as before but when I talked to her about it she said that she was tired. I respected her and left things as that.

 

I had given her a promise ring and she had taken it off. I knew that this was a sign that something was terribly wrong and after much discussion and we agreed to talk to a councillor together. This we did and we found out that the issue of trust was not going to heal itself but it took effective communication of feelings and actions that would gradually bring trust back into the relationship. I think we both felt better for the session. However, my partner at this time had moved out to her gf friends place and said that she did not feel comfortable about moving back in and we agreed that she should have some time to herself.

 

That night I found out that she went to sleep over at her ex bf place. I was shocked and angry that after all that we went through at the councillor that she had already pre-planned to stay at his place.

 

As you can imagine I was frantic and angry. I tried to tell myself that nothing was going on between them but my emotions overtook me. The next morning I asked my partner to come over to our house for a talk. To keep it short and to the point, I shouted and hurled abuse at my partner to doing this and accused her of sleeping with her ex bf and that is the reason why she suddenly wanted to get out of this relationship. But then I did the last thing I would every thought I would do, I hit her. I couldn't believe that I had actually slapped her - the woman I love and adore - this was not me. I have since spoken to a councillor/s about this and ways to ensure that this never happens again.

 

Not surprisingly she never returned my calls for 9 days. I couldn't give her an excuse because there is no excuse for such behaviour. She has since taken all clothes, toiletries, etc for her and our daughter and has applied for accommodation and child support.

 

I realise that I have done something terrible in striking my partner and I will never forgive myself for something that I have detested all my life. What little chance of reconcilling with my partner has almost but disappeared.

 

I have managed to talk to her about this and she tells me that it is over and there cannot be us anymore. I cannot accept this as I strongly believe that we can work through this as the councillor stated. I have begged her to reconsider and to her credit she will be seeing our councillor by herself on Wednesday. In the meantime she has stressed that this in no way means that we are going to get back together again but she wants to know if there is any hope of us working this through. She tells me that as this moment she feels that there is very very small chance that we will get back together.

 

I have learnt a lot about myself and emotional needs over the last several weeks and realised that we had everything going for ourselves, except that we did not communicate effectively to meet and understand our emotions.

 

I also, have found out that she still stays at her ex bf place but only when he is away. I believe her when she tells me that she has no feelings for him and that he is just a friend. However, she tells me that he still has feelings for her. Living at his place can only complicate and cloud her decision to build our relationship because conscientiously or not, he is still an influence and a possibility in her mind that he is waiting in the wings.

 

We have been apart for nearly three weeks and I find the situation becoming more desperate. I feel that the longer she is away, the more she will feel that she no longer wants to be with me. She constantly pushes me away in the things she does and says. She won't call unless I call and ask about our daughter whom I miss so much. I text her a few times a day always to say good morning or good night and hardly get a response. I think she wants sometime by herself to sort things. My fear is that she will try and resolve the issues by herself instead of trying to resolve them together and with the aid of a councillor. The black clouds of despair have always proven to much for her to handle by herself - similar to me.

 

The last several weeks have been the most horrific in my life. The emotional stress and constant depression has nearly tipped me over the edge of suicide. I don't know what I would do if my partner leaves for good. I don't think I could accept it.

[SoleMate]

Wow, long post, very painful. I can't respond to all of it, but here are a few starters:

 

Depression. If you and your partner both suffer from "black clouds", this could be depression, and I urge evaluation and treatment for you both right away.

 

Honesty. You DID do something wrong. I know you didn't cheat, or intend to, but you had what appeared to be emotionally intimate exchanges with your ex-wife and did not let your partner know about them. I understand - and believe - your claim about how it was for the sake of the contact with the children. Maybe it was the best of a set of bad choices. But you absolutely should have told your partner in advance what you were planning to do. Full disclosure and discussion in advance would have prevented the appearance of betrayal. You could have asked for her help in building contact with your children, and this would have brought you closer. A truly strong and intimate relationship can easily handle this kind of matter. It is better to "burden" your partner with your problems, and solve them together, than to just go off on a tangent like you did.

 

The ex-bf. Your partner is not necessarily sleeping with him. She may just be going there if he is a dependable source of consolation. On the other hand, it is quite possible that the consolation is occurring horizontally. Difficult as it may be, I would take my eyes OFF him because he is not the one who instigated all this trouble between the two of you.

 

Hitting her. How could you? And what will keep you from doing it again? Let me tell you, if I were she, you would never see me again. You call her to your house to talk, and then slap her. Whatever she did to damage your trust, you have done FAR worse. Why on earth would she go back to you - to get slapped again? Why don't you do more than "speak to a counsellor" about this? That is SO inadequate. You know, infidelity appears to be a hot button for many men, so perhaps you can understand when I say that physical abuse is a dealkiller for many women.

 

Last point - please work on your relationship skills, and don't get any more women pregnant until you have established a lasting relationship of at least 2 years' duration. You can't keep cycling through women at the rate you're doing - and the multiple household support is going to turn you into a homeless person or a deadbeat dad before long.