HELP!!!!

[marigold]

Ok - I've received about 10 messages from my boyfriend today. All of them fairly similar about how much I've hurt him and how awful he feels (even though it's his fault).

 

I wrote back a few minutes ago, told him, again, about the way things really happened, and also addressed his behavior and that I think he has a problem with alcohol. I was not emotional.

 

I just received a reply saying "What do you want to do now"

 

What does that mean, and how on earth do I reply to that? Is he just trying to drive me insane?

[Tony T]

This is my suggested answer:

 

YOU WRITE: "What do you want to do now."

 

What I want to do now and what I wish for may be two different things. What I wish for is a boyfriend who has enough depth and maturity to take responsibility for his actions. I want a boyfriend who admits to his wrongdoings rather than one who tosses blame elsewhere.

 

I have talked to many people who were at the party who have refuted every charge you have made against me. None of them recall me doing anything you claim I did.

 

Now, if you really think I did those things, you should walk. You need a girlfriend who you won't think that little of and I need a boyfriend who is able to see reality and take responsibility for his conduct.

 

What I would like to do is settle this issue and move on. But this relationship has taken a number of steps backward by these events and your reaction to them. Things had been going great but I had never seen this side of you. Unless I can be shown that you can accept responsibility for your actions along life's road, I don't see how this can continue.

 

So, maybe I didn't answer your question as you wrote it but I have told you what my wish would be in an ideal world.

 

________________________________________

 

I don't know if you've got the guts to send this but that's what he needs. He is a real turkey and you should not be concerned about his reaction to such an Email. But make this the last if you send it. Read my post below to see why. Continuing a dialog with an idiot can eventually put you in a similar category and you can't allow him to drag you to that level.

 

Good luck on this.

[marigold]

I don't know if you've got the guts to send this but that's what he needs. He is a real turkey and you should not be concerned about his reaction to such an Email. But make this the last if you send it. Read my post below to see why. Continuing a dialog with an idiot can eventually put you in a similar category and you can't allow him to drag you to that level. Good luck on this.

I never had a chance to write and send this; he called me about 1/2 hour later; apologetic and sounding very tearful. Said he loves me and has been in terrible pain the past few days - doesn't want to lose me. Will do anything I say as long as he can be with me.

 

I didn't say much, just told him we had a lot of talking to do and that I will not tolerate this kind of behavior ever again or I'm gone. I mean it, too.

 

We have many things to work out and I hope we are able to do so. We are meeting later in a neutral place to talk. No kissing and making up quite yet. Is it cruel of me to let him suffer a little bit more?

[Tony T]

I think you are approaching this absolutely correctly. I admire the way you are handling this without caving in. Don't let him off easy but don't jerk him around either. Make it clear to him that you won't tolerate crap from him or anybody else.

[Mitch]

Ok - I've received about 10 messages from my boyfriend today. All of them fairly similar about how much I've hurt him and how awful he feels (even though it's his fault). I wrote back a few minutes ago, told him, again, about the way things really happened, and also addressed his behavior and that I think he has a problem with alcohol. I was not emotional.

 

I just received a reply saying "What do you want to do now" What does that mean, and how on earth do I reply to that? Is he just trying to drive me insane?

Missed this one somehow before I posted below.

 

You don't owe him S!^& over this.

 

This is a way of teaching him that this sort of crap could end things.

[Suz]

Marigold,

 

I am proud of you. You have guts. I know what it is like to break up with a guy for his actions. Just a few months ago, I broke up with a guy who was a constant liar and a very selfish person.

 

You seem to be handling it very well- and you are very strong - that you can even meet in a neutral spot!

 

Remain strong, and don't let him back, even if he is starting to show improvement for his problems. Tell him that if he wants to get back together, you want to see at least huge improvement and over a number of weeks/months years.

 

My suggestion... if he is the same in a month - or not even looking close to improvement... I'd find the greener pastures! (and if you don't have faith that he'll change...

 

pack up and head for the hills now honey, or it will only get worse!)

 

I'll be praying for you! Let us know what happens PLEASE!

 

- Suz

I never had a chance to write and send this; he called me about 1/2 hour later; apologetic and sounding very tearful. Said he loves me and has been in terrible pain the past few days - doesn't want to lose me. Will do anything I say as long as he can be with me. I didn't say much, just told him we had a lot of talking to do and that I will not tolerate this kind of behavior ever again or I'm gone. I mean it, too. We have many things to work out and I hope we are able to do so. We are meeting later in a neutral place to talk. No kissing and making up quite yet. Is it cruel of me to let him suffer a little bit more?