Walked in on her kissing other guy

[billybadass36]

Okay, been dating who I thought was the woman of my dreams for about three months now. It had been discussed and we were proceeding with our relationship as an exclusive couple. We were, boyfriend/girlfriend, if you like. Anyway, she has this married couple that are friends of hers. We're 28, and this couple is like 27. They live about 4 hours away, so she doesn't see them very often. My girlfriend tells me that they have an "open" relationship and that he lets his wife sleep with his buddies, and she told him (very publicly) in the past that if wanted to he could sleep with my now girlfriend. My girlfriend repeatedly assured me that she's not into that, doesn't like the guy that way, and has never even kissed him before. Anyway, they were in town on Friday, and we were going to meet up with them Friday night and go out. Fine and dandy.

 

So Friday night rolls around and we go out. We all get pretty smashed. I'm sort of annoyed at these friends of my girlfriend, but whatever, I'm pretty easy going and I deal with it...mostly by drinking more. Whatever. We leave the bar and go back to my girlfriend's house to have a couple more beers. They follow us. We're there, and my girlfriend and I finish off our first beers. I'm the couch with my girlfriend, her guy friend is on the floor and his wife is in an easy chair. I get up to use the bathroom and to grab a couple more beers. After I used the bathroom I went into the kitchen to grab the beers. When I got into the kitchen this guy's wife was in there being all chatty with me (which is odd because it was obvious that she and I had nothing in common and probably didn't like each other). Well, as I went to leave the kitchen she sort of blocks my egress. I was sort of pissed, and I pushed past her. I walked into the living room and there on the couch is her husband making out with my drunk to the point of almost passed out girlfriend.

 

I was a bit pissed. Had a temper tantrum. Was going to leave but didn't. My girlfriend immediately got up, ran to me, saying she had no idea what was going on, etc...I got a bit physical with her guy friend, tossed him out into the driveway, and told him if I ever see him again, that I'm going to assume he's trying to sleep with my girlfriend and just start swinging. This is all out of character for me as well as my girlfriend. She starts crying, blubbering about how she thinks she just ruined the best thing that's ever happened to her, etc...I'm sort of listening, but I'm just too pissed to deal with it. So I fell asleep. The next morning we had a long chat about it. She assures me that this is the first time anything like that ever happened. That she thinks the guy's wife was running "interference" for her husband to have an opportunity to be alone with my girlfriend, etc...I'm just pissed and not really listening.

 

Well, Saturday afternoon she had to go out of town for work. So the timing on that wasn't too good. I've had the weekend to think about it, and I honestly don't know what to think about the whole situation. What should I do? I haven't loved anybody like this before, and I've hated the way someone made me feel so much either. I love her to death, but I can't stand not trusting her and I can't stand feeling like this. Is there anything I should look for in her when she gets back tonight to tell if she's being honest with me or what? I'm just totally haywire right now.

[Olivia_19742004]

Do you think she wanted to kiss him? Or do you think that the husband/wife duo tried to create a scene that would enable him to make out with her?

 

I don't think any girlfriend would kiss another man in her boyfriend's house when he is there. You said she was drunk to almost passing out. Well, unfortunately, people can be manipulated and that is what it sounds like to me. I'd have to say I wouldn't trust her friends anymore and I'd probably tell her that you'd prefer she not be in any situation where they could take advantage of the situation again.

[billybadass36]

Oh, I definitely think this guy's wife was intentionally "running interference" on me to facilitate his taking advantage of my girlfriend. I'm worried that had I not been there, how far would it have gone? It's already been made abundantly clear that these people are not to be seen again. I hate this.

[dudesomewhere]

taking the passive philosphical route that I always prefer I'd leave this relationship.

 

You know how they say you should never judge a person by their appearance? Well everyone should judge people by their friends. That is the true measure of the person. Such an observation belies any facades a person will attempt to erect, whether by conscious effort or subconscious happenstance.

 

It is like the old stream of thought "if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound." Of course it does.

 

In your situation, don't do anything other than to be a true person. Don't rely or resort to violence or violent thoughts. Don't let machismo get the better of you. Your GF could be innocent or a willing participant. They could have all been testing you to see if you would be into swinging as they are or your gf could be innocent. It seems too convenient.

 

And this part I hope you'll heed...and I hope your gf will as well. If she was innocent, what type of friends are these. That is tantamount to rape IMO. Don't provoke her. Ask her if she still considers these ppl her friends and listen to her answer. If she says no, then she is truly innocent. Of course this must go by right of action. If she wasn't innocent, then these ppl will still remain her friends. It is what is. Imagine if you were not in the picture, would they still be her friends? Quiet observation...that is how you really understand ppl. Ask them and know about them without provoking. Don't let her know that what you are questioning is whether she was willing, ask her instead if they are still her friends. Then let her know what I said...but in your words of course.

 

Your gf has friends who you dislike and that says a lot. This is not about good or bad but about being real. To make concepts simple let's use words and describe you as decent and they are indecent. So you are a decent guy who's interested in a woman who has indecent friends. She befriends these indecent people because that is what she gravitates towards. If you find that you are an anomaly in her life, chances are the relationship you have is false.

 

I'm not sure how much it'll take for you to go this route, but such things are easy for me. I have no problems letting go when people are not open and honest. I only partially take into account a person's words of themselves and their world...the other part I look at is who their friends are.

 

GL

[billybadass36]

You're a better man than I. Thanks for the sage advice...will see what happens.

[EC]

I agree w/ dude.

 

Like the saying says.."Birds of a feather...

 

Anyways..You need to ask her if she still considers these people friends.

 

Did they all plan this? Was she in on it to see if you would go for it? Would she have gone all the way if you had not been there? All thoughts that went through my mind after reading your post.

 

I say you need to speak to her and find out how she feels about the whole situation.

 

She was pretty drunk so can't really be mad. But then again you say she was drunk to the point of passing out but she cried when you were kicking the crap out of her "friend" so she wasn't all that f*cked up now was she...?

 

I think you need to re-think this relationship It just sounds sooo fishy to me.

[bewilderedheart1]

I've been drunk before, even to the point of passing out or being sick, and in all honesty I don't think alcohol is ever a valid excuse for bad behavior. If anything, i'd be more careful about behaving and fending off inappropriate advances. Alcohol doesn't make you do things, a person still makes his/her own decisions. While alcohol might loosen one's inhibitions, wouldn't that say something about your girlfriend? I agree with Dude, that if she values you and your relationship she'll cut off ties with these people -- they tried to take advantage of your girlfriend and are causing damage to your relationship. If you want to stay together and you're both willing to work on the trust, let me know how you do it please. Me and my bf are trying to rebuild ours too. It's not the easiest thing.

[billybadass36]

Yeah, well, I've taken a step back here. She tells me she's cut all ties to these people. Fine. I'm still concerned, obviously, about a lot of "trust" sorts of issues. The hard part is that she travels about every 6 weeks for work (she'll be gone for like a three day weekend) and the people she works with have a sort of morally casual attitude. I'm absolutely convinced, though, that she's not like that. The more removed we get, time-wise, from the "event" on Friday night, the more totally out of character it was for her. She seems to be honestly upset that her "friends" would do this to her, and she tells me that she doesn't plan on talking to them ever again because, as she put it, "They obviously have no respect for her or her relationship with me." Whatever that means. Anyway, I guess this has sort of served as a "wake up call" in this relationship. I'll explain:

 

We started dating like four months ago. Almost immediately the relationship "clicked". About a month into it, we hated being apart from each other, were spending every spare moment together (except for when I go to the gym or out with the guys or whatever). Well, we were so "into" each other and "into" the relationship that we forgot to take time to figure out WHO each other was and what our respective expectations are for the other person in order for this to work. Well, she hasn't stopped apologizing and has assured me that it won't happen again. These people are out of the picture for good. Now, if she's not able to live up to the very crystal clear expectations that I've communicated to her, it simply won't work. Period. She agrees 100%, and so now, we're moving on and if it happens again, I'll walk away without a shred of regret. That's all. So, that having been said, I'm still pissed off big time, but I'm still sort of holding onto the thought that this was just a freak occurrence and that it won't happen again. I just don't want to "throw this away" over a two minute f-up. Thoughts?

[bewilderedheart1]

It sounds like you're both giving it a fair chance, especially you. I admire your circumspection. It was a good idea to clarify your mutual expectations. That way, no surprises, and you're both on a more level playing field. Needless to say, proceed with some caution, but it's a really good sign that she's cut the swinging couple out. It shows that she cares about you and doesn't want to mess things up. Best of luck to you both!