Being insecure or are my balls are on fire??

[HesaidShesaid]

I read a post by a established member not too long ago who mentioned gaslighting, so as a person who is interested in knowing what is unfamiliar to him, googled it and bham!! it hit like a ton of bricks. Im currently in a relationship where I maybe being set on fire by the gaslighter. As i googled it i became more aware of the fact that nearly every article i read referred to the man as being the gaslighter and the women being the gaslightee....and i have read my far share of them. One of the reasons of coarse is because 90% of them are written by women. They believe that the majority of people who indulge in such a sick and mentally destructive manipulation strategy to completely screw with the other persons head, are men. This is such a feminist attitude in my view and god damn old fashioned. It makes me feel like less of a man when i read this ****, acknowledging that the man is to blame. Having been in a relationship of 3 years where I was cheated on and had worse things done to me after, in regards to the same relationship (which some day i would like to tell and get it off my chest) ,i know I have brought some of those insecurities with me to this relationship but what frustrates me to the point where i think im crazy is that I dont know whether I think im just insecure and paranoid or, really, my balls are being set alight?

 

Has anyone here had to deal with this, where your not sure whether its your insecurities or whether your being played the fool? I guess its a lose lose situation in my eyes. If i stay in this relationship I will always wonder if she did cheat on me or will be cheated on but if I leave i will always wonder if she hadnt of cheated on me and if it was just my insecurities which in my case would just make me worse for future relationships!!! aaarrrrhhhh!! this is so frustrating i wish i knew god, if he even exists, and get him to just tell me. Ive fantasized that time to time!!

Edited September 27, 2012 by HesaidShesaid

[Mycteria]

What are the signs that she's gaslighting you/has cheated? Most of us here are pretty good at picking out the signs of a cheater or gaslighting.

[HesaidShesaid]

The signs of gaslighting I have come across are word manipulation and various others, times where I have said something in an argument and she has said I said something else.

 

i.e I cant give you an exact wording (was awhile ago) of this but can only remember one time where I literally thought I was losing me mind when we had an argument over something I said.

 

Being told that at the point of break up that i would never find someone again because of my insecurities and therefore as she put it "die a lonely man".

 

i.e this one explains itself really.

 

Manipulate my perception on what I thought was inappropriate conduct in a relationship and turn it around on me saying that "its your insecurities again".

 

i.e was at a house party. It was quiet evident that the guy i knew there and my gf liked each other and I got this feeling straight away. I wish I was blind to this sixth sense but I'm not and intuitive to how people are feeling. Guy keeps checking her out all night, she knows this is the case and that he likes her. At once stage she purposely walked past him to go to the toilet when she could have taken a much easier root, basically he walked south and then north where she could have just walked north. Anyway guy has pot either she asks him for pot or he mentions it to her but its in his house next door in his bedroom. Gf says come on lets go and i say no you go i dont want anymore weed(to judge her reaction). Wasn't going to leave her alone with this cock bag anyway. So we get to the room and its pretty clear that im not making conversation and the too of them are having a good laugh together. I awk the convo as much as possible by not saying too much. In the mean time attention is changed to me and she says how much she loves me blah blah blah and he says what a good guy Im am blah blah blah basically another tactic to make himself look good. We head back to the party and the next day I confront her about it in a mature manner, have understood that this is the best practice with gaslighters, but she gets defensive and makes it out that it was my problem!! FFS! Your not supposed to but your partner in those situations where they are made to feel insecure, paranoid, depressed and worthlessness. I have more of these stories. They really affect my judge of reality and making question how sane I am.

 

Catch her lying about certain things and then lying again to make the lie not sound so bad or hear her say "i dont know" or "I cant remember" when its quiet clear she can.

 

i.e i managed to get her facebook password without her knowing and that was really when I found out how good a liar she is. An ex had messaged her and she was quiet short with me the following days. I knew this had upset her and when confronted she denied it was the case. There was also a messages to a "friend" as she like to put it (a friend but also a **** buddy back when he used to live in the country) where the convo wasnt platonic as it should be when speaking to an ex when your going out with someone. Saying I miss you, reminiscing of the times they met, asking him when he will be back. The **** you dont want to see. She lied for 30mins in tears asking me why i was doing this to her. She sounded absolutely crazy and 100% believable if I didnt know what was actually in her facebook messages. That scared the **** out of me and for yet another time I left like I was losing my mind. Literally i was in disbelieve about how good she could lie. Later on she said that nothing has happened I will give you my password (she sort of let that slip out of her mouth)....boom!!...give it to me then....aahhh....knowing that she had to produce it to justify what she was saying. I read everything out loud. I then read a message to one of her girlfriends saying that all my friends when she met them were hot (not exact senatnce) and that she should come over. I quizzed her on this and she said he didnt mean it like they were hot but in a different way. Again I couldnt believe that she was denying what was clearly written in front of me and lying to get away with what she had said.

 

A bit of background. Me, good looking 26 yr old nothing special tho, second relationship, was cheated on and was naive (before this relationship) that girls out there would be hurt if I just ****ed them and didnt want to contact them the next day so I morally didnt when i could of had many an opportunity....kicking myself for it!! Stayed away from relationships because of this **** but have now invested so much as so much has been said and have finally got her round with the help of a psychologist that the messages were inappropriate.

 

Her, not just saying this because its my girlfriend, but caring to people, works in child care, sympathetic towards people, never really has a bad word to say about anyone, always thinking of others, says she loves me lots, talks about marriage and kids with me, constantly messages me and calls me before she goes to bed.

 

Its funny when I write this stuff because her actions in the relationship are manipulative when it comes to trust issues and all the stuff above. Its like she disregards her caring side for the person shes in a relationship with when things come up like this. I know for a fact that her manipulation is unconscious in away, that if she did really understand how much this is hurting me she would stop.

 

Cheating...well i dont know so I only can say that the times where she might have, seem absurd but yet again where theres a will, theres a way. My insecurities from the previous relationship have definitely caused her to lie. Put when the truth comes out it makes things a billion times worse as people here can relate to. And Ive reminded her off this.

 

Not knowing whether or not she has cheated on me is what kills me and would still kill me to this day (8yrs later) if not my previous gf hadnt of told me and we would have just broken up. I think about this to this day because im a thinker and my memory is based on feelings, its not visual or auditory and therefore its easy to remember how i felt back then as i still experience those emotions on a weekly basis through friends, work and my current gf.

 

As well as trying to figure out if my insecurities have actually caused her to gaslight, I am also trying to figure out why she would do things to me that make me feel uncomfortable as i know that this isnt her conscious intention.

 

I am interested to know if the people who have been gaslighted on had insecurities which they brought to that relationship and if so whether they think thats why there partner turned to these cruel tactics to control them? Bringing insecurities into a relationship where your partner is already a gaslighter is a horrible combination. I dont know if this is the case with my gf or not but is there a way of finding out?