Why would a 'happily' married guy want to cheat and take such a risk?

[Scarlett5]

I’m curious….what would you all say about a newly married 27 year old guy who has been in a relationship with his wife since he was 20, who says he is happy, but who is cheating and wants to have a long-term affair?

 

This guy has a love of ‘nice’ things – flash car, great body, good job, trendy clothes, latest gadgets, holidays to great places, values time and nights out with friends and has his own interests/hobbies.

 

Would you say his wife and long term relationship is part of his desire to keep up appearances and to avoid being ‘alone’? That he has low self esteem? That he needs to grown up and stop taking her and his life for granted?

 

Wife is somewhat less attractive than him (and than his OW) – has he gained new found confidence over the years and although he doesn’t want to leave his wife, wants the best of both worlds, so to speak? (The guy himself comes across as friendly and confident, not arrogant).

 

If this guy just wants to have his cake and eat it, why would he risk his relationship/marriage and whole lifestyle? And, more importantly, how could he actually do it to the woman he is supposed to love and be happy with? Especially as a newlywed.

 

Comments and insight appreciated

[Minka333]

No real happily married guy would have the desire to cheat. Only those who "claims" to be happy but missing something to fill a void would do so.

[veryhappy]

Insufficient sexual experience.

 

Boredom.

 

A sense of entitlement to indulge.

 

Sense that he won't get caught.

[eleanorrigby]

Because they think they will get away with it. They are not planning to get caught any more then people that climb Mount Everest are planning to lose fingers and toes or their life. Both know the consequences of slipping up may be horrific and do it anyway.

[Minka333]

:laugh:

 

I guess you never met a happy dishonest deceitful cheater. For these folks cheating is all about being a cheater.

 

Cheaters are always missing something and no one can make them happy 24/7. This is a very naive point of view.

 

A happy dishonest deceitful cheater is still not truly a happy person. He may be happy for the wrong reasons but still unhappy inside.

 

A man claiming to be happily married but still cheating is a big BS.

[beenburned]

He sounds very immature, selfish, and self centered.(a lot of people in their 20's are)

 

He needs to grow up and stop taking his marriage/wife for granted before he loses it all.

[2sunny]

Insufficient sexual experience.

 

Boredom.

 

A sense of entitlement to indulge.

 

Sense that he won't get caught.

 

Because they think they will get away with it. They are not planning to get caught any more then people that climb Mount Everest are planning to lose fingers and toes or their life. Both know the consequences of slipping up may be horrific and do it anyway.

 

Yep...and some are very narcissistic - thinking ONLY of themselves! And some just find anyone to marty when their "perfect marriage" ends because the wife doesn't take them back...because they are so afraid to be "alone".

[ThatJustHappened]

I’m curious….what would you all say about a newly married 27 year old guy who has been in a relationship with his wife since he was 20, who says he is happy, but who is cheating and wants to have a long-term affair?

 

This guy has a love of ‘nice’ things – flash car, great body, good job, trendy clothes, latest gadgets, holidays to great places, values time and nights out with friends and has his own interests/hobbies.

 

Would you say his wife and long term relationship is part of his desire to keep up appearances and to avoid being ‘alone’? That he has low self esteem? That he needs to grown up and stop taking her and his life for granted?

 

Wife is somewhat less attractive than him (and than his OW) – has he gained new found confidence over the years and although he doesn’t want to leave his wife, wants the best of both worlds, so to speak? (The guy himself comes across as friendly and confident, not arrogant).

 

If this guy just wants to have his cake and eat it, why would he risk his relationship/marriage and whole lifestyle? And, more importantly, how could he actually do it to the woman he is supposed to love and be happy with? Especially as a newlywed.

 

Comments and insight appreciated

 

Because cheating is exactly how he has his cake and eats it too. He's relying on the woman he's cheating with to keep her piehole shut so he doesn't get in trouble at home. That's why cheaters groom before they attack. They want you fall in love with them first so you'll protect them if they ever make any stupid mistakes.

 

This guy sounds like a VERY immature kid who got married before he had a chance to play the field, and now thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Helpful hint for him...it's not. Green is green. He'll figure that out eventually, whether he gets caught or not. Plus he's acting like a selfish douchebag right now.

 

Why are you asking?

[2sure]

Many people cheat not because the are lacking anything , they just want more. It's entitlement . And just because they don't have integrity doesn't mean they are secretly unhappy.

[2sunny]

Because there's no consequences? Sometimes that's the case!

 

It still surprises me that OW/OM are out there that KNOWINGLY step into the role of helping the cheater.

 

And even more appalling when the OW/OM then defend the cheaters character! Come on = he's/she's a cheater and a liar!

[veryhappy]

If you are the more attractive OW, and are looking for signs that he's not really happy and he'll choose you, well...he won't leave his happy marriage. Get out now, before he dumps you pr strings you along for years. Especially if you are in your 20s, your life experience is not enough by far to be able to deal with the @%$# an A brings.

 

He taking the risk is also not a sign of how much he wants you and loves you.

 

Look up "baggage reclaim".

Edited September 28, 2012 by cutedragon

[2sunny]

Cheating usually has NOTHING to do with attractiveness... Normally a cheater just looks around for a "willing victim".

[AnotherRound]

I agree that nobody who is "happy" cheats. I hear about it (mostly from BSs, so not sure how unbiased it is) but have never seen it happen. I know for me, if I'm happy where I am, and getting my needs met, nothing else really appeals to me. Why would it? If I have what I want and need - I don't really buy into the "entitlement" thing. I'm sure there are some people like that, but it's hard for me to believe that there are very many like that. I meet a lot of people in my work, and have NEVER come across anyone with that sense of entitlement when it comes to relationships. Anecdotal, yes, but a big enough "sample" of people, that I'm fairly convinced it is rare, if it happens.

 

When I was the BS, my marriage was not happy. It was comfortable - we weren't abusive, we were financially comfortable, we were arguing infrequently. But, we were not connecting intimately on any level. Even sex was more of a we thought we should be doing it, not that either of us was really wanting to do it. It wasn't boredom, it wasn't missing the spark of a new relationship - it was a mismatched couple. That can only "work" for so long, and for us, it was about 7 years of a relationship before it was VERY evident that we had an impossible relationship on our hands.

 

So, as far as the "happily" married person who has affairs - I just don't buy it. Maybe, rarely, and possibly with some who have raging personality disorders - but humans, by nature, want to have a consistent partner (mostly). Being comfortable, or content, or just not miserable does not = happy. It equals "it's okay, but not great" - and that leaves those folks open to anything that is better fitting for them. Imo, relationships shouldn't just be "okay"... they should be amazing. They should have a connection that is truly unbreakable between the two people. If that isn't there, and the relationship is just "okay" - those people are cheating themselves out of what a relationship should be. Again, I'd rather be alone than settle for "it's okay" or "it'll do" or "I'm comfortable, not happy, but don't want to rock the boat". None of that sounds "okay" to me at all.

[eleanorrigby]

I meet a lot of people in my work, and have NEVER come across anyone with that sense of entitlement when it comes to relationships. Anecdotal, yes, but a big enough "sample" of people, that I'm fairly convinced it is rare, if it happens.

 

 

I've come across several people like this in my line of work.

[AnotherRound]

I've come across several people like this in my line of work.

 

Hmmmm... interesting. I'm not sure what you do? I would be interested in seeing some type of statistics on this, although I'm not sure how accurate they could be? I work in a field where I hear people's innermost secrets, and do a lot of couples work - and I've yet to see anything about entitlement. I have seen a LOT of unmet needs - and people feeling entitled to have their needs met, but I don't think that is what is being talked about here. And, if I had to agree or disagree, I would agree that everyone has the right to get their needs met.

[OpenBook]

They should have a connection that is truly unbreakable between the two people. If that isn't there, and the relationship is just "okay" - those people are cheating themselves out of what a relationship should be. Again, I'd rather be alone than settle for "it's okay" or "it'll do" or "I'm comfortable, not happy, but don't want to rock the boat". None of that sounds "okay" to me at all.

 

Wow does this resonate with me!! Well said AR, thanks for putting that in writing. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

[eleanorrigby]

Hmmmm... interesting. I'm not sure what you do? I would be interested in seeing some type of statistics on this, although I'm not sure how accurate they could be? I work in a field where I hear people's innermost secrets, and do a lot of couples work - and I've yet to see anything about entitlement. I have seen a LOT of unmet needs - and people feeling entitled to have their needs met, but I don't think that is what is being talked about here. And, if I had to agree or disagree, I would agree that everyone has the right to get their needs met.

 

I work in a field where I hear secrets as well. Maybe the portion of the population that I sample has more entitled people in it. But it is something I have noticed.

[GoneToCode]

yeah, if someone is truly in a happy marriage and is treated well, respected, and happy and cheats...thats really really low.

[AnotherRound]

I work in a field where I hear secrets as well. Maybe the portion of the population that I sample has more entitled people in it. But it is something I have noticed.

 

Could be. And perhaps not everyone I've worked with has been absolutely honest with me about their reasons for having an affair. I will have to look up some statistics. These type of people always make me think of Charlie from Two and Half Men (I don't really like the show, have only seen it a few times). And even though I realize that he is a character, that's what I think of - and I have just never known or worked with anyone like that personally. Again, not saying it doesn't exist - I'm sure it does - but I'm just guessing it is fairly rare.

[2sure]

I was OW several times and the entitled MM was the only kind I ever met.

They had absolutely everything, including a wife they loved, they just wanted a girlfriend too.

 

Clearly I learned my lesson after being Married to someone similar .

But mine are not the only examples. it is very very common for especially successful middle aged MM to have affairs.

 

And it isn't because they feel unloved or lonely or neglected.

They are often philanthropists , beloved members of society. Have it all and want more...because More is what they do.

[AnotherRound]

I was OW several times and the entitled MM was the only kind I ever met.

They had absolutely everything, including a wife they loved, they just wanted a girlfriend too.

 

Clearly I learned my lesson after being Married to someone similar .

But mine are not the only examples. it is very very common for especially successful middle aged MM to have affairs.

 

And it isn't because they feel unloved or lonely or neglected.

They are often philanthropists , beloved members of society. Have it all and want more...because More is what they do.

 

Again, not saying it doesn't happen, but I'm not seeing it in a LOT of couple's work that I do. I'm sad that these are the MM you were involved with, and pretty glad that mine is not that way, as I can see why that would be frustrating for ANYONE involved with them.

 

And, men won't often express their innermost feelings - especially feelings of inadequacy. My guess is that if there are "very very many" men like this, claiming all is good but having affairs, that there is something that they are NOT sharing bc of their own insecurity with vulnerability and/or feelings of inadequacy. Maybe I get to hear that stuff bc of what I do - so, they might present to others that everything was fine - but to me, behind a closed door with complete privacy, I am getting a totally different expression.

 

I suppose that some are doing "more" bc it's their nature. But you mentioned middle age and successful - to me, that is not synonymous with happy in their marriage. ????

 

I will look up some statistics on it later. I would be interested in how many WSs really are suffering from personality disorders (I think it's rare, as PDs are rare in themselves), or are truly happy and just feeling entitled (again, I think it's rare). I guess for me, I feel like I have a pretty good read on the general population's behaviors bc of what I do, and the variety of what I deal with and the diversity of the people I work with. I know it's not a true "sample", but there isn't much that I haven't seen in my work - so to say something is "very" common that I have never seen - well, seems a little bit of stretch to me. So, research it is!

[Furious]

Cheaters are very happy as long as they don't get caught.

[threebyfate]

Well Scarlett5. The only reason why people cheat is because they have horrible, abusive spouses, are desperately unhappy and aren't getting any sex. Quite often, the wife has gained 600 lbs and has pimples all over her face and body. But the cheater loves her and the children, so he puts up with her bullwhip.

[MissBee]

Funnily, I'd prefer to have an affair with the cheater looking for more over the cheater who is whiny and unfulfilled.

 

As I've said in other threads, the culture I'm from men cheat all the time and it is a matter of wanting more and not a matter of "sacrificing for so long", "secret unhappiness" etc. They have a wife or gf but, as is normal, are attracted to others and feel they should pursue that and they do feel entitled. Many have the idea that all women are theirs or there are more women than men so it is their "duty" to lend themselves to other women . I'm sure many of them have issues and are unfulfilled in themselves. Many of them cannot be faithful to ANYONE period and it's just their own orientation in the world. But largely, multiple women or having a wife and OW strokes their ego and they do not see it as a response to some unfulfillment and wouldn't say they are unhappy with their relationship. Maybe that is also a distinction to be made: a cheater being unfulfilled in THEMSELVES or who has something askew in their own mentality vs one who is unhappy in their relationship. Relationship unhappiness is specific to a relationship (although if you have something askew within yourself, eventually every relationship will be unfulfilling to you) and you consciously feel like something is missing in your relationship....not every cheater feels this way; most in the culture I'm from don't. I'd argue they may have something askew in themselves...but it's usually not the relationship they are unhappy with, they think it's fine, love their wives, will throw the OW under the bus in a heart beat etc but want more and no matter who is the Mrs. it's the same.

Edited September 28, 2012 by MissBee

[2sunny]

When the cheater tells his OW that he's "happily married" it's code for "don't expect anything from him".

 

Except sex, of course - he's a giver...

 

Most have a character flaw - which OW prefer to ignore...