Why would a 'happily' married guy want to cheat and take such a risk?

[Decorative]

Do you have a resource or reference for affair psychology?

 

Start with Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. Her annotations are top notch, and will lead you into many resources of information.

 

I believe Linda McDonald's books also have huge amounts and lists of reading and resources that explain it.

 

There are many many sources available to understand why people do what they do, and how they do it. Unfortunately, there's nothing unique or special about affairs. The meme about following a script exists for a reason.

[Decorative]

It is called cheating for a reason.

 

Why do cheaters have a need to pretend they are not cheaters?

 

The reasons to cheat are moot. To cheat the cheater needs to be dishonest.

 

An honest person cannot cheat. A dishonest person finds a way to cheat and then justifies why he cheats.

 

Absolutely the truth.

[Decorative]

Tiger Woods was married to a gorgeous model quality woman and cheated with women that were way below the league of his wife.

 

Jesse James cheated on Sandra Bullock with a woman that was well below Sandra Bullock. It happens.

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger cheated with the maid that was fat and nasty looking.

 

Hugh Grant had oral sex with all things a transvestite.

 

The list is endless.

 

You bet. Princess Diana. Jacqueline Kennedy.

 

 

An affair isn't about the betrayed spouse, and frankly ? Notsomuch about the affair partner, either.

 

It's about the cheater. And their issues. An affair partner serves a role- positive reflection of how the cheater sees themselves.

[stillafool]

Hugh Grant was not involved with a transvestite. Divine Brown is a black woman who was is a prostitute. She is a SAHM now.

[KathyM]

Low morals is probably the reason the guy mentioned in the OP is cheating. He has a wife whom he loves, but doesn't see anything wrong with having someone else on the side, and he thinks that what the wife doesn't know won't hurt her.

 

My ex BIL was this type of cheater. Still a newlywed in his second year of marriage, in love with his wife who was and is a beautiful woman, but his morals were lacking, and so he indulged himself.

[Decorative]

Hugh Grant was not involved with a transvestite. Divine Brown is a black woman who was is a prostitute. She is a SAHM now.

 

Eddie Murphy is the one that cheated with the transvestite .

 

And Nicole Murphy is one of the most gorgeous women ever.

[Decorative]

Thanks, I guess i got the news confused.

 

In any event many affair down all the time and they are in good marriages.

 

My irrational obsession with celebrity gossip is the only reason I knew this. LOL

[thomasb]

I was one of those happily married men who cheated. Why? I was drunk and stupid. For a few weeks after that I kept cheating. Why? I thought two things. One. My wife would leave me when she found out. Two. I hoped she would never find out. Fortunately, my conscience got the better of me and I confessed. Otherwise I doubt my wife and I could have recovered.

And by the way. I cheated DOWN. My wife has more class in her little finger than the OW has in her entire body.

[ThatJustHappened]

Tiger Woods was married to a gorgeous model quality woman and cheated with women that were way below the league of his wife.

 

Jesse James cheated on Sandra Bullock with a woman that was well below Sandra Bullock. It happens.

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger cheated with the maid that was fat and nasty looking.

 

Hugh Grant had oral sex with all things a transvestite.

 

The list is endless.

 

Plus people seem to forget that attractiveness is relative. One person's pig is another person's princess.

 

That being said..apparently Jesse James is attracted to hepatitis.

[Quiet Storm]

A happily married man will cheat to supplement his marriage. Most MM do not want a new wife, just a more interesting life.

[stillwater]

This is the only thing I could find statistics wise.

 

27% of people who reported being happy in marriage admitted to having an affair!

• 10% who said their marriage was
  really happy
  admitted to having had an affair
  
  
• 17% who said their marriage was
  pretty happy
  reported an extramarital affair, and
  
  
• 30% of all adults who said that their marriage was
  not too happy
  reported having an extramarital affair. Source: University of Chicago surveys conducted between 1990 and 2002.
  
  

I think the questioning is vague "pretty happy" could be interpreted a bit differently for different people. But it appears that 27%,

so

not a majority even. Maybe 1 out of 4 people that have an affair are reporting that they are "happily" married. And if you take out the "pretty happy" people, which to me would mean "not exactly happy", then there is only 10% left.

So

, 1 out of 10. That's a pretty low number statistically.

 

 

Interesting. Thanks for piquing my interest in this! Interesting reading.

 

 

You're interpreting the statistic wrong. It says "27% of happily married people reported having an affair", not "27% of people in an affair report being happily married". Big difference.

[Got it]

I was one of those happily married men who cheated. Why? I was drunk and stupid. For a few weeks after that I kept cheating. Why? I thought two things. One. My wife would leave me when she found out. Two. I hoped she would never find out. Fortunately, my conscience got the better of me and I confessed. Otherwise I doubt my wife and I could have recovered.

And by the way. I cheated DOWN. My wife has more class in her little finger than the OW has in her entire body.

 

So because you knew it was wrong you kept cheating with the hopes you wouldn't be found out?????? So you increased the incidences thinking that statistically that would be in your favor?

 

I get the ONS, being drunk, but the continued? I don't understand the line of logic.

 

Do you see yourself as poorly, then, as the OP? I mean if your wife has more class than the OW, you being the one that broke your vows, broke her heart, and destroyed her life, how do you view yourself? (((thomas))))

[2sunny]

Not everyone is a dishonest cheater who cheats, some have needs that aren't being met at home and can't leave. Making blanket generalazations about everyone is naive in my opinion.

 

can't leave? Ahahaha! Let get honest - at least use the correct word - WON'T leave.

 

The CAN leave - they just CHOOSE not to leave!

[thomasb]

So because you knew it was wrong you kept cheating with the hopes you wouldn't be found out?????? So you increased the incidences thinking that statistically that would be in your favor?

 

I get the ONS, being drunk, but the continued? I don't understand the line of logic.

 

Do you see yourself as poorly, then, as the OP? I mean if your wife has more class than the OW, you being the one that broke your vows, broke her heart, and destroyed her life, how do you view yourself? (((thomas))))

 

Actually, it took years for me to regain my self respect. And I figured I had ruined my marriage anyway. Remember, OW was a 'friend' of my wife. And I think my wife would argue the point that I 'ruined' her life! We have been married almost two decades. Something that happened that long ago in no way defines who or where we are today. She says shes lucky to have me! And I know I'm blessed to have her.

[2sunny]

Let's face it - MOST of the "draw" between two people who cheat is that 'secret' that they try and keep from others.

 

That's what makes it so exciting.

 

If it were out in the open - it may not be so electrifying!

 

That 'happily' married person just wants the 'thrill' of keeping the secret from the spouse - hence - no way it can really be 'happy' when one half is purposely dishonest about what's really going on.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Why do some of us who just ate a delicious meal and are full still want to eat cake? And then eat it?

[AnotherRound]

You're interpreting the statistic wrong. It says "27% of happily married people reported having an affair", not "27% of people in an affair report being happily married". Big difference.

 

It wasn't my interpretation, it was how it was written on the website. Only the first sentence and the last are mine. Sorry, I should have used a different font or something to show what was mine and what wasn't. I will try harder next time so it's more clear!!!!

[ThatJustHappened]

You're interpreting the statistic wrong. It says "27% of happily married people reported having an affair", not "27% of people in an affair report being happily married". Big difference.

 

Very very very good point! My like button doesn't work on my work computer..but LIKE!

 

I'd also like to point out that if you add those statistics up, the majority of the cheaters in that study don't say that they're unhappy in their marriages..27% are happy, 17% are moderately happy..that's 44% that are not unhappy in their marriages, as opposed to the 30% who are.

[AnotherRound]

Very very very good point! My like button doesn't work on my work computer..but LIKE!

 

I'd also like to point out that if you add those statistics up, the majority of the cheaters in that study don't say that they're unhappy in their marriages..27% are happy, 17% are moderately happy..that's 44% that are not unhappy in their marriages, as opposed to the 30% who are.

 

Lol... I'm so confused!!! Statistics never were my strong point I haven't slept yet, and probably need to sleep and come back with a rested brain... I did read those wrong I think... agh... I will sleep and come back to it.

 

Thank you SO much for pointing that out! Phew... what is wrong with me? I'll do better next time, I promise!

[JamesM]

Three thoughts.....

 

First, I don't think most MM "cheat down." I think they choose the OW because she is either different from the wife (ie impulsive and passionate instead of demure and predictable). Most of the time it is about attraction, but not necessarily looks. Outwardly, we may think we see more beauty in the BS, but in reality, we are missing the bigger picture of personality, charisma, AND looks. I always find it interesting that here and IRL, the BS find some solace in seeing the OW as somehow lesser than her. This helps them blame the cheater, I think, and take less blame for the dysfunctional marriage that may have helped the MM choose an affair.

 

Second, while a number of men choose an affair because of the need for variety and a secret life or as the result of drunken stupidity, most MM (as read here and IRL) choose an affair because of something missing in the marriage. It may be that the wife is too aggressive for the MM to handle. It may be that the wife cannot give the MM as much attention as he thinks he needs. It may be that the wife no longer finds sex with the MM enjoyable (for a variety of reasons). But I think that in most cases, if the emotional connection and friendship connection is there, then any honest MM would find it difficult to build another emotional connection with an OW. It is when one of the above is combined with the loss of communication and an emotional connection that the weak bond will weaken a mans' resolve and cause him to choose an affair.

 

Third, the reason that a man who has betrayed his wife and then returns to her states that he "cheated down" IMO is because we all rationalize the decisions we make. It has been proven that once we make a decision, we tend to believe it is the right one and make statements justifying our choice. This is why the MMs who do not return to their wives but choose the OW, will state that their new woman is so much better than the ex-wife. This is why the ones who return to their wives say the opposite. (Imagine if they said any different! ) Reality is...neither are better or "down" from the other. It is that they are different in looks and/or personality. For whatever reason, the MM decided that different was better, or he decided that familiar was better. It is wrong to imply that every OW is a lesser woman simply because she is an OW.

 

Until I think of something else.

[thomasb]

AAAHHH! Another one of those sin thingys!

[JamesM]

But this is exactly the thing. How is that something "wrong" with the M? IMO, that is something "wrong" with the person who has the bottomless pit of need for ego strokes, because of the men I know IRL who are cheaters, that's EXACTLY what's going on. THAT is something wrong inside THEM. There is NO M on earth that could EVER make them feel fulfilled.

 

I agree. This was not what I meant.

 

When I made that comment, my mind was thinking of situations where there is a new baby or babies and the wife obviously has less time for her husband than in the past. Many men develop a resentment, which is unmerited IMO, and think that their wife no longer gives them enough priority. This can be differentiated from the selfish man who as a "bottomless pit of need for ego strokes." Most men who find themselves in a busy household don't cheat, but it has been a contributing factor for affairs as stated on LS.

 

If the emotional connection is allowed to weaken or break, then many factors that would never be a problem will leave one or both partners vulnerable to an affair. In another thread, the wife cheated with the husband's best friend. This "friend" had flirted with her for years, but she never chose an affair. What developed was the "perfect storm" of factors that in her mind (and wrongly so) "allowed" her to choose the affair.

 

A hungry dog MAY (not will) eat the steak forbidden by his master out of weakness, but the well-fed dog can easily obey. And that is what makes the difference. True commitment keeps couples who are emotionally "hungry" together in times when less committed couples break apart.

[Mme. Chaucer]

First, I don't think most MM "cheat down." I think they choose the OW because she is either different from the wife (ie impulsive and passionate instead of demure and predictable). Most of the time it is about attraction, but not necessarily looks. Outwardly, we may think we see more beauty in the BS, but in reality, we are missing the bigger picture of personality, charisma, AND looks. I always find it interesting that here and IRL, the BS find some solace in seeing the OW as somehow lesser than her. This helps them blame the cheater, I think, and take less blame for the dysfunctional marriage that may have helped the MM choose an affair.

 

I must beg to differ. I'm sure what you wrote is true in many cases, but in my life as a dancer and also as a cocktail waitress, I believe I saw dozens of cases where a married man was consciously choosing to "cheat down."

 

He WANTED to view his side thing as … a bimbo. Somehow that seemed to help some men compartmentalize what they were doing.

[thomasb]

You are right. They call it the Madonna - whore syndrome

[Decorative]

But this is exactly the thing. How is that something "wrong" with the M? IMO, that is something "wrong" with the person who has the bottomless pit of need for ego strokes, because of the men I know IRL who are cheaters, that's EXACTLY what's going on. THAT is something wrong inside THEM. There is NO M on earth that could EVER make them feel fulfilled.

 

You betcha. My spouse says he was a bucket of need with a hole in the bottom. Nothing I ever did was enough to make him feel good enough. He had to learn to seal that hole himself- which made him a much better husband to me, post affair.

 

I would not reconcile with a spouse who blamed our marriage for his cheating. It would leave me feeling precarious forever.