Why would a 'happily' married guy want to cheat and take such a risk?

[Scarlett5]

Three thoughts.....

 

First, I don't think most MM "cheat down." I think they choose the OW because she is either different from the wife (ie impulsive and passionate instead of demure and predictable). Most of the time it is about attraction, but not necessarily looks. Outwardly, we may think we see more beauty in the BS, but in reality, we are missing the bigger picture of personality, charisma, AND looks. I always find it interesting that here and IRL, the BS find some solace in seeing the OW as somehow lesser than her. This helps them blame the cheater, I think, and take less blame for the dysfunctional marriage that may have helped the MM choose an affair.

 

Second, while a number of men choose an affair because of the need for variety and a secret life or as the result of drunken stupidity, most MM (as read here and IRL) choose an affair because of something missing in the marriage. It may be that the wife is too aggressive for the MM to handle. It may be that the wife cannot give the MM as much attention as he thinks he needs. It may be that the wife no longer finds sex with the MM enjoyable (for a variety of reasons). But I think that in most cases, if the emotional connection and friendship connection is there, then any honest MM would find it difficult to build another emotional connection with an OW. It is when one of the above is combined with the loss of communication and an emotional connection that the weak bond will weaken a mans' resolve and cause him to choose an affair.

 

Third, the reason that a man who has betrayed his wife and then returns to her states that he "cheated down" IMO is because we all rationalize the decisions we make. It has been proven that once we make a decision, we tend to believe it is the right one and make statements justifying our choice. This is why the MMs who do not return to their wives but choose the OW, will state that their new woman is so much better than the ex-wife. This is why the ones who return to their wives say the opposite. (Imagine if they said any different! ) Reality is...neither are better or "down" from the other. It is that they are different in looks and/or personality. For whatever reason, the MM decided that different was better, or he decided that familiar was better. It is wrong to imply that every OW is a lesser woman simply because she is an OW.

 

I think you have it pretty spot on James

[ThatJustHappened]

Three thoughts.....

 

First, I don't think most MM "cheat down." I think they choose the OW because she is either different from the wife (ie impulsive and passionate instead of demure and predictable). Most of the time it is about attraction, but not necessarily looks. Outwardly, we may think we see more beauty in the BS, but in reality, we are missing the bigger picture of personality, charisma, AND looks. I always find it interesting that here and IRL, the BS find some solace in seeing the OW as somehow lesser than her. This helps them blame the cheater, I think, and take less blame for the dysfunctional marriage that may have helped the MM choose an affair.

 

Second, while a number of men choose an affair because of the need for variety and a secret life or as the result of drunken stupidity, most MM (as read here and IRL) choose an affair because of something missing in the marriage. It may be that the wife is too aggressive for the MM to handle. It may be that the wife cannot give the MM as much attention as he thinks he needs. It may be that the wife no longer finds sex with the MM enjoyable (for a variety of reasons). But I think that in most cases, if the emotional connection and friendship connection is there, then any honest MM would find it difficult to build another emotional connection with an OW. It is when one of the above is combined with the loss of communication and an emotional connection that the weak bond will weaken a mans' resolve and cause him to choose an affair.

 

Third, the reason that a man who has betrayed his wife and then returns to her states that he "cheated down" IMO is because we all rationalize the decisions we make. It has been proven that once we make a decision, we tend to believe it is the right one and make statements justifying our choice. This is why the MMs who do not return to their wives but choose the OW, will state that their new woman is so much better than the ex-wife. This is why the ones who return to their wives say the opposite. (Imagine if they said any different! ) Reality is...neither are better or "down" from the other. It is that they are different in looks and/or personality. For whatever reason, the MM decided that different was better, or he decided that familiar was better. It is wrong to imply that every OW is a lesser woman simply because she is an OW.

 

Until I think of something else.

 

Doesn't that depend on your interpretation of 'cheating down'?

[Decorative]

Personally, I think my spouse chose his AP because she wasn't even close to his equal. Significantly younger, not particularly educated or intelligent ( and there's a difference between the two and she was lacking in both), but he could play hero to her dumsel in distress ( not my term, a term borrowed from Psychology Today's categorizations of affair types).

 

He said the fact that she lacked so much made him feel better about himself. The interactions I had with her and her family afterwards very easily reinforced his description of her.

 

I think that qualifies as affairing down.

 

Physically? Not dissimilar from me at all. We are the same type- and she looks like she could be a sibling.

[Sauron]

Why? Is this particular person locked in the basement? If not, why can't they leave? If they can't leave, why do they have to cheat?

 

If you are truly interested I have a post in the marriage section that expalins my situation.

[Quiet Storm]

It's all about the ego strokes.

 

MM want to be admired and they want attention. MM thrive on outside validation.

 

Most wives have accepted MM's flaws and shortcomings, so they aren't as free with the praise as they used to be. Over time, a man constantly needing validation can get annoying.

 

MM doesn't have a history with OW, so he can portray whatever image he thinks will work. Charming & funny may work with one OW, sad and pitiful may work for another one. They'll test the waters and guage the feedback. His wife already knows him and has an opinion about him. With new OW, he can manipulate what they know about him and the environment in which they know it.

 

MM look for the OW that will give him the most admiration, attention and praise. Often, the OW willing to do this are younger, gullible or emotionally vulnerable. The fact that they are willing to be in affair sends the message to most that they have lower standards. Most women would put a married dude in an off-limits category, the same way they would screen out druggies and felons. It's not always easy for a MM to find an OW willing to tolerate his life and his wife. When he does, he wants to keep her because it's not so easy to find & groom another. This is where the lies to the OW come in. He often lies to both BW and OW because he wants to keep the status quo. He loves the role OW plays in his life, but not a specific OW in particular. He'll go with the one least likely to make waves, the one who doesn't require that much attention to keep happy, the one who'll be content with texts instead of actual face time.

 

Even though they are a particpant as well, MM will often devalue OW and see them as good enough to have an affair with, but not good enough to marry.

 

In other marriages, some MM have the madonna-whore thing going on. MM will put BW up on a moral pedestal, actually deciding that his wife is too good to know about his true sexual desires.

[Decorative]

LFH-That is an excellent point. I did not begin the discussion of affairing down in this thread, but I understand your concern .

 

However- my board ? The infidelity board? Has many, many affair partners posting on it.

 

So how is a conversation without any outside input possible?

 

I did not say anything personal to you, or about your situation. I specifically referenced my husband's former OW, and I know you are not her. There is no incitement meant. many people in the course of this thread have been saying things as the conversation evolves.

 

I am not sure why my comment is offensive or personalized to you? It wasn't.

[Decorative]

I think it's offensive to every OW/OM on here.. not me personally.

 

I'm not saying that there are not those that don't go over there and in some cases say things that don't belong there... and as far as NO input that will never happen, but I'd never go over to the infidelity board and say that in MY relationship his wife is a lazy, emotionally checked out individual and that that might be the case in MANY affairs I think that it may be the case that MM affair UP because I think that could be potentially offensive to the primary intended audience.

See my point?

 

I absolutely see your point. I said that in my first reply to you.

 

But on a public board, where everyone has access, if I am describing my particular situation - in response to a point brought up multiple times in a thread that also describes individual situations that describe a betrayed spouse in less than flattering terms as well- what is the right answer?

 

I know enough to know when something is directed at me. You know that I am not describing you - nor did I say every affair is affairing down. I was careful and highly specific. You even acknowledge that you aren't personally offended.

 

But I won't mention it again. I hope this means in the future , when threads such as Donnamaybe is referencing, that the OW will also stop when asked.

[Decorative]

Yeah, that's currently going on at the infidelity board with another poster as I type this.

 

I thought of the same thing.

[2sunny]

He cheats because he thinks he won't get caught.

[threebyfate]

Take a look at this thread. It's a man who's close to cheating because he's met someone at work who resembles a younger version of his wife, even though he's happily married with no dysfunction in his marriage.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/348973-younger-version-my-wife

[2sure]

It's all about the ego strokes.

 

MM want to be admired and they want attention. MM thrive on outside validation.

 

Most wives have accepted MM's flaws and shortcomings, so they aren't as free with the praise as they used to be. Over time, a man constantly needing validation can get annoying.

 

MM doesn't have a history with OW, so he can portray whatever image he thinks will work. Charming & funny may work with one OW, sad and pitiful may work for another one. They'll test the waters and guage the feedback. His wife already knows him and has an opinion about him. With new OW, he can manipulate what they know about him and the environment in which they know it.

 

MM look for the OW that will give him the most admiration, attention and praise. Often, the OW willing to do this are younger, gullible or emotionally vulnerable. The fact that they are willing to be in affair sends the message to most that they have lower standards. Most women would put a married dude in an off-limits category, the same way they would screen out druggies and felons. It's not always easy for a MM to find an OW willing to tolerate his life and his wife. When he does, he wants to keep her because it's not so easy to find & groom another. This is where the lies to the OW come in. He often lies to both BW and OW because he wants to keep the status quo. He loves the role OW plays in his life, but not a specific OW in particular. He'll go with the one least likely to make waves, the one who doesn't require that much attention to keep happy, the one who'll be content with texts instead of actual face time.

 

Even though they are a particpant as well, MM will often devalue OW and see them as good enough to have an affair with, but not good enough to marry.

 

In other marriages, some MM have the madonna-whore thing going on. MM will put BW up on a moral pedestal, actually deciding that his wife is too good to know about his true sexual desires.

 

Nailed it. The words are different but it is the same thing described by so many when they say the MM is missing something at home. This could easily be what he missing, don't think it must be something more important.

[Barrsitter]

In answer to the OP's question.....

 

because he is a scumbag.

[carhill]

Though he was a recent widower in the role, I liked Marlon Brando's line in "Last Tango in Paris", where he commented on the casual relationship he enjoyed with Maria Schneider, to wit - "That's your happiness... and my ha-penis." For some married men, it's no more complex than that. The big head takes a vacation and the little head runs the show.

[2sure]

Though he was a recent widower in the role, I liked Marlon Brando's line in "Last Tango in Paris", where he commented on the casual relationship he enjoyed with Maria Schneider, to wit - "That's your happiness... and my ha-penis." For some married men, it's no more complex than that. The big head takes a vacation and the little head runs the show.

 

Really it's perfect. And here we are all talking about it and arguing about it like its a complicated thing.

[AnotherRound]

Though he was a recent widower in the role, I liked Marlon Brando's line in "Last Tango in Paris", where he commented on the casual relationship he enjoyed with Maria Schneider, to wit - "That's your happiness... and my ha-penis." For some married men, it's no more complex than that. The big head takes a vacation and the little head runs the show.

 

I agree that it is like that for some, but from everything that I have read, there is a general consensus that affairs are rarely about sex. I did a lot of reading last night, a lot of different sources, and they were all in agreement that it is almost always a lack of emotional connection between a couple that causes one to become a WS.

 

I guess I'm curios as to why the scientific world says "it's rarely about sex" and the rest of the population (maybe just here?) says exactly the opposite? I saw a lot of research and nothing in that research indicated that the majority, or most, or even many affairs are "about sex". Why the differences I wonder?

[2sure]

It's about validation. Sex is just an easy way to get that. My ex actually had sex with very few of the women he met while serial cheating. He just wanted them to want him.Like Cheap Trick.

[frozensprouts]

i can only speak for our own situation...

 

my husband cheated because he was spinning out of control, was angry at himself, and, in effect, punishing himself...he didn't feel he deserved anything good, so he set out to destroy it. he was unhappy with him, not us.

 

( and before anyone tells me I'm making excuses for him...i was told this by our counselor, our social worker ( all the guys coming back from deployment have to see one for "reintegration assessments"), as well as his psychologist.)

[AnotherRound]

i can only speak for our own situation...

 

my husband cheated because he was spinning out of control, was angry at himself, and, in effect, punishing himself...he didn't feel he deserved anything good, so he set out to destroy it. he was unhappy with him, not us.

 

( and before anyone tells me I'm making excuses for him...i was told this by our counselor, our social worker ( all the guys coming back from deployment have to see one for "reintegration assessments"), as well as his psychologist.)

 

Your husband being a returning veteran adds a whole other dimension into the mix, imo. To me, this would not be a "normal" affair of someone seeking comfort outside of the marriage. Many returning veterans are suffering from mental health issues, understandably, and that alone is enough to cause them to make decisions that they wouldn't normally make. I would consider this to be a "special circumstances" case with a whole other issue happening.

 

I don't think you are making excuses for him by understanding the stressors he has had to deal with and how those affect his self worth and his decisions. I think that is exactly what emotional intimacy is about.

[AnotherRound]

And when an MM gets an OOW...?

 

Well, that would depend. What's the back story? Do you mean he had two OWs at the same time? If so, how long was he with the first OW? Was that relationship fulfilling him emotionally or not? Or, was he a guy that two women (the wife and the first OW) weren't enough?

 

In the case of the latter, you are possibly looking at a person that you often describe here - a cake eater. I couldn't come to any kind of conclusion without a LOT more details on the situation that I think would need to be considered to figure out the motivation.

 

As I've said before, I'm sure that there some MMs who are only looking for sex, or variety, or are NPD, or are (what do you call them?) emotionally bottomless pits (or something like that you tagged them?), or are entitled.

 

But the research that I have read has said that they are "rarely" about sex. So, I don't have any statistics, but "rarely" insinuates to me that it's going to be a fairly small number of them. If I find statistics, I will share them.

[AnotherRound]

It's about validation. Sex is just an easy way to get that. My ex actually had sex with very few of the women he met while serial cheating. He just wanted them to want him.Like Cheap Trick.

 

For some, probably it is just this. As you obviously have a personal experience with at least one. I've just never met anyone like that, so even though I know it probably exists, I just haven't seen it (or read about it much in the research).

 

I LOVE that song!

[RickFox]

I’m curious….what would you all say about a newly married 27 year old guy who has been in a relationship with his wife since he was 20, who says he is happy, but who is cheating and wants to have a long-term affair?

 

This guy has a love of ‘nice’ things – flash car, great body, good job, trendy clothes, latest gadgets, holidays to great places, values time and nights out with friends and has his own interests/hobbies.

 

Would you say his wife and long term relationship is part of his desire to keep up appearances and to avoid being ‘alone’? That he has low self esteem? That he needs to grown up and stop taking her and his life for granted?

 

Wife is somewhat less attractive than him (and than his OW) – has he gained new found confidence over the years and although he doesn’t want to leave his wife, wants the best of both worlds, so to speak? (The guy himself comes across as friendly and confident, not arrogant).

 

If this guy just wants to have his cake and eat it, why would he risk his relationship/marriage and whole lifestyle? And, more importantly, how could he actually do it to the woman he is supposed to love and be happy with? Especially as a newlywed.

 

Comments and insight appreciated

 

Why? Because he only cares about what he wants and needs, not about anyone else.

[AnotherRound]

What is the difference between a man for whom two women aren't enough and one for whom one is not enough?

 

I think that you are coming from a different base than I am. If it truly is a case that a certain number of women is "not enough", that would be an entirely different subject in my mind. Why aren't they enough? What is he searching for? What is he missing? Is he truly just feeling entitled?

 

If you were trying to say an MM with 2 OWs, that's a different thing too - and from just that little information (that he is a MM with 2 other relationships), I can't determine anything about his situation. I would need a lot more information to even begin to figure out why and what.

 

I think this is a big difference that shows itself on these boards between some of us. It seems like you are comfortable to make a determination with only knowing a few facts - like, one MM with 2 OWs. For me, I would want to know more than that before I even attempted to guess at why he is doing what he is doing, or what caused it, or what the explanation is - and maybe, after evaluating all of that (and anything else relevant), I MIGHT feel comfortable making some kind of conclusion about him as a person.

 

So, the one sentence questions you asked me here, imo, make any kind of insight inconclusive, as there are way too many details that are not provided that I would consider extremely important. Especially considering the complexity of humans, their logic, their emotions, and then the combination of two (or 3, or more) humans in a relationship would become even more complex, imo.

 

Sorry, I can't answer with only that amount of information. I just wouldn't feel comfortable trying to make any kind of assessment with only that to go on.

[AnotherRound]

I think that you are coming from a different base than I am. If it truly is a case that a certain number of women is "not enough", that would be an entirely different subject in my mind. Why aren't they enough? What is he searching for? What is he missing? Is he truly just feeling entitled?

 

If you were trying to say an MM with 2 OWs, that's a different thing too - and from just that little information (that he is a MM with 2 other relationships), I can't determine anything about his situation. I would need a lot more information to even begin to figure out why and what.

 

I think this is a big difference that shows itself on these boards between some of us. It seems like you are comfortable to make a determination with only knowing a few facts - like, one MM with 2 OWs. For me, I would want to know more than that before I even attempted to guess at why he is doing what he is doing, or what caused it, or what the explanation is - and maybe, after evaluating all of that (and anything else relevant), I MIGHT feel comfortable making some kind of conclusion about him as a person.

 

So, the one sentence questions you asked me here, imo, make any kind of insight inconclusive, as there are way too many details that are not provided that I would consider extremely important. Especially considering the complexity of humans, their logic, their emotions, and then the combination of two (or 3, or more) humans in a relationship would become even more complex, imo.

 

Sorry, I can't answer with only that amount of information. I just wouldn't feel comfortable trying to make any kind of assessment with only that to go on.

 

And as an aside, I never think that an affair is the "right" way to handle something (if I have to pick a right and wrong). I do, however, understand WHY they happen, and why people pick that route so often. I can see both sides of that coin, and neither is an easy choice for many people.

 

I would prefer that people handle conflict in their lives in a much healthier and more forward way. But, bc I do that, or know that it's the healthiest way to do it, doesn't meant that I expect everyone to do it that way. People have to do what is best for them, and they are the only ones living their lives, and the only ones who know all the variables and intricacies of those lives. I feel very uncomfortable being asked to "judge" any situation with very little information and no personal involvement.

[Radagast]

What is the difference between a man for whom two women aren't enough and one for whom one is not enough?

 

Perhaps your own experience of having multiple simultaneous relationships differs, but as a former unfaithful spouse I have to disagree with your way of describing the situation. For me it was nothing at all to do with "one woman not being enough" and everything to do with a toxic relationship not meeting my basic human needs, and needing to have those needs met in a respectful loving relationship without wanting necessarily to break up the family unit that provided security for my children. The "woman" in the first (toxic) relationship was not wanted at all, simultaneous to the woman in the second (loving) relationship or otherwise. It was simply a case of wanting to keep a structure (the family) intact while at the same time needing a loving relationship (the affair). One woman was entirely adequate to my needs, and still is - so long as it is the "right" woman.

[carhill]

I agree that it is like that for some, but from everything that I have read, there is a general consensus that affairs are rarely about sex. I did a lot of reading last night, a lot of different sources, and they were all in agreement that it is almost always a lack of emotional connection between a couple that causes one to become a WS.

 

In my reply, I was respecting the thread title, which calls out a 'happily married man'. I presumed that his emotional connection with his spouse was healthy and satisfying.

 

I guess I'm curios as to why the scientific world says "it's rarely about sex" and the rest of the population (maybe just here?) says exactly the opposite? I saw a lot of research and nothing in that research indicated that the majority, or most, or even many affairs are "about sex". Why the differences I wonder?

The scientific world can be and probably is accurate, when speaking of affairs/infidelity in general, but the thread was about happily married men cheating as opposed to men in general cheating, hence a subset of the whole, with attendant characteristics unique to that subset.

 

In this (the topic of the thread) instance, the happily married heterosexual man, if it wasn't/isn't about sex, why not bask in the admiration and popularity of fellow males? Why doesn't that satisfy the id in the same way? Men can have strong and healthy 'connections' with each other, hence the line 'I'd take a bullet for my friend' and men often do in times of danger. What's the difference? Heck, for that matter, why not the admiration and popularity amongst women? Why can't the man just enjoy the company of women without it turning sexual? IMO, it's the little head and all the psychology surrounding it, and sex. Powerful stuff. For some men, it rules them, often without boundaries of propriety or decorum. Everyone is different.

 

ETA, while not 'scientific', I like how

explains the machinations of the male brain. It's funny but also pretty darned accurate. Edited September 29, 2012 by carhill
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