Why would a 'happily' married guy want to cheat and take such a risk?

[MissBee]

When the cheater tells his OW that he's "happily married" it's code for "don't expect anything from him".

 

Except sex, of course - he's a giver...

 

That's also the simple answer

 

Whether or not a MM is REALLY happy or not shouldn't be your concern as the OW. If a MM tells you he is "happily married"...read in between the lines... see that he is making it known that this is an affair, I am not leaving my wife, understood? Now can we proceed with this without you getting any ideas about more.

 

At least he's making himself clear....

 

Which is less confusing than the whiny MM who is sooooo unhappy but cannot leave year after year.

 

Atleast the happy guy has no reason to leave right? He's happy! And he has extras! Soo if you expect anything other than for him to have his cake and eat it too you'd be the one confused.

[whichwayisup]

I don't really buy into the "entitlement" thing

 

Tiger Woods. Jesse James. Kristen Stewart.

 

Three names pop into my head. Three people who genuinally claimed they loved their partners, weren't unhappy yet they all cheated.

 

Entitlement. Ego. Power. They'll do whatever they want, when they want because they can.

[todreaminblue]

I’m curious….what would you all say about a newly married 27 year old guy who has been in a relationship with his wife since he was 20, who says he is happy, but who is cheating and wants to have a long-term affair?

 

This guy has a love of ‘nice’ things – flash car, great body, good job, trendy clothes, latest gadgets, holidays to great places, values time and nights out with friends and has his own interests/hobbies.

 

Would you say his wife and long term relationship is part of his desire to keep up appearances and to avoid being ‘alone’? That he has low self esteem? That he needs to grown up and stop taking her and his life for granted?

 

Wife is somewhat less attractive than him (and than his OW) – has he gained new found confidence over the years and although he doesn’t want to leave his wife, wants the best of both worlds, so to speak? (The guy himself comes across as friendly and confident, not arrogant).

 

If this guy just wants to have his cake and eat it, why would he risk his relationship/marriage and whole lifestyle? And, more importantly, how could he actually do it to the woman he is supposed to love and be happy with? Especially as a newlywed.

 

Comments and insight appreciated

 

 

he isnt happily married would be my guess, he shoudnt be married..should never have got married........should seek counseling because now he is married..if he loves her doesnt seem like it though..deb

[UpwardForward]

I'm going to venture to say the beginnings can be that of the WS deceiving himself.

 

He wants to refer to OW as friend. As R progresses, then it leads to A.

 

This wouldn't be difficult once the two begin fantasizing.

[MissBee]

Tiger Woods. Jesse James. Kristen Stewart.

 

Three names pop into my head. Three people who genuinally claimed they loved their partners, weren't unhappy yet they all cheated.

 

Entitlement. Ego. Power. They'll do whatever they want, when they want because they can.

 

I find it weird that in such a huge celebrity culture like America, people find it hard to identify cheating with entitlement. Often men who are famous and who have lots of money and little boundaries (and who often have people around them unwilling to say no them) will have a wife/gf AND cheating scandals. One celeb guy was in an interview saying women should stop blaming themselves for men cheating as it is not because of anything they do wrong...he was like I'm a famous guy, who is attractive and can get almost any woman. I had a girlfriend who was the whole package and simply because I wanted something new and different and it was available...I took it and I didn't think I'd get caught.

 

I dunno...I think I'm pretty even-handed. OFCOURSE some men are unfulfilled in their relationship and so on, but this thread isn't about that, it's about why men who say they are happy in their relationships cheat. The man described by the OP who is all about image, flashy cars etc may very well be an insecure man who needs women and possessions to make him feel good and an OW is an extra for him. He may have his own issues but clearly it's not a case of his relationship being at fault...just him. He seems just like celeb men who "have it all" including a wife they think is great but still want "all and more". I don't see what is so puzzling about this. If one understands human beings and human behavior, this kind of logic makes a lot of sense and is one of the possibilities. I see nothing rare about this kind of behavior at all.

Edited September 28, 2012 by MissBee

[ThatJustHappened]

I've come across several people like this in my line of work.

 

I live in a place and work in an industry where MANY people are like that. It's unfortunate. If I didn't have to live here for work, I'd leave in a heartbeat. Maybe you and I do the same thing.

[AnotherRound]

Tiger Woods. Jesse James. Kristen Stewart.

 

Three names pop into my head. Three people who genuinally claimed they loved their partners, weren't unhappy yet they all cheated.

 

Entitlement. Ego. Power. They'll do whatever they want, when they want because they can.

 

Hmmm... I hadn't thought of those. I wonder if that's because people with narcissistic tendencies tend to be drawn to show business? Bc they need the adoration? I wonder if "famous" people have a higher level of those feeling entitled bc of their innate personality, or bc they have been convinced that they deserve "more" - entitlement bred by the way we treat our famous people (special privilege) etc?

 

Interesting examples...

[ThatJustHappened]

It's because those examples are verifiable to almost anybody. If someone said their next door neighbor was like that, it wouldn't have as much of an impact because A. nobody here can verify it, and B. nobody would care as much. There are many, many people like that who aren't in the entertainment industry..those are just easy examples.

[AnotherRound]

This is the only thing I could find statistics wise.

 

27% of people who reported being happy in marriage admitted to having an affair!

• 10% who said their marriage was
  really happy
  admitted to having had an affair
  
  
• 17% who said their marriage was
  pretty happy
  reported an extramarital affair, and
  
  
• 30% of all adults who said that their marriage was
  not too happy
  reported having an extramarital affair. Source: University of Chicago surveys conducted between 1990 and 2002.
  
  

I think the questioning is vague "pretty happy" could be interpreted a bit differently for different people. But it appears that 27%,

so

not a majority even. Maybe 1 out of 4 people that have an affair are reporting that they are "happily" married. And if you take out the "pretty happy" people, which to me would mean "not exactly happy", then there is only 10% left.

So

, 1 out of 10. That's a pretty low number statistically.

 

 

Interesting. Thanks for piquing my interest in this! Interesting reading.

 

[waterwoman]

For most people the answer to the question 'Is your marriage really happy' would vary over time. All marriages have ups and downs. If you asked H if he had a really happy marriage 5 years ago he would have said that he did. If you asked him now, post-affair, he'd say yes. If you asked him a year ago just before the affair started I think he'd have been more ambivalent. So would I for that matter .

 

I guess if you meet someone who really ticks the boxes and makes it clear they are willing and able, it would depend on where you were on the normal up and down path of married life as to how open you would be to an affair. But that wouldn't mean that your marriage wasn't happy in the general sense or that you actively wanted to end it.

[Scarlett5]

Well Scarlett5. The only reason why people cheat is because they have horrible, abusive spouses, are desperately unhappy and aren't getting any sex. Quite often, the wife has gained 600 lbs and has pimples all over her face and body. But the cheater loves her and the children, so he puts up with her bullwhip.

 

Very funny

[Scarlett5]

Wow, some very insightful replies indeed. In my opinion, they are lacking and unhappy with something within themselves (not necessarily something within their relationship) and they are constantly trying to fill the void. They don't believe they'll get caught (definitely true!) and in actual fact, they probably don't spend much time at all thinking about the reality of what they're doing. Instead, they just enjoy the ego boost and the fun.

 

And, of course, if they can have their cake and eat it too, they will.

 

Although I do question whether men who cheat (I think women cheat for different reasons) are really 'in' love with their partners - it will never make sense to me how anyone can betray someone they supposedly love, respect and care about.

 

AR you made many good points - I also question whether these men are saving face by failing to admit their relationship/marriage issues - whether that's to themselves or others.

[Decorative]

In the UC survey, the 30% who self report marital issues in that survey ( and that survey is fascinating -I've read the full data set before)as the reason for their affair?

 

I am surprised it isn't higher- not because the percentage of causation is higher, but because in affair psychology, rewriting marital history and contrast affectation are powerful forces. I would assume it would take a lot of introspection and work on oneself to acknowledge personal issues that cause cheating, and not blame others.

 

But that's just my read on it. introspection after an affair isn't for the weak of heart, and it's got to be hard to settle blame for such poor decisions squarely on your own shoulders.

[Emilia]

Wow, some very insightful replies indeed. In my opinion, they are lacking and unhappy with something within themselves (not necessarily something within their relationship) and they are constantly trying to fill the void. They don't believe they'll get caught (definitely true!) and in actual fact, they probably don't spend much time at all thinking about the reality of what they're doing. Instead, they just enjoy the ego boost and the fun.

 

And, of course, if they can have their cake and eat it too, they will.

 

Although I do question whether men who cheat (I think women cheat for different reasons) are really 'in' love with their partners - it will never make sense to me how anyone can betray someone they supposedly love, respect and care about.

 

AR you made many good points - I also question whether these men are saving face by failing to admit their relationship/marriage issues - whether that's to themselves or others.

 

One guy I know - with whom I'm facebook friends and I know his fiance - frequently tries to have sex with me despite the fact that we work together and that if I said anything to his fiance he could lose everything.

 

He is also a drunk and is kind of purposely trying to lose his - very well paying - job.

 

He is reckless, an addict and doesn't give a sh*t

[Sauron]

:laugh:

 

I guess you never met a happy dishonest deceitful cheater. For these folks cheating is all about being a cheater.

 

Cheaters are always missing something and no one can make them happy 24/7. This is a very naive point of view.

 

Not everyone is a dishonest cheater who cheats, some have needs that aren't being met at home and can't leave. Making blanket generalazations about everyone is naive in my opinion.

[Sauron]

A happy dishonest deceitful cheater is still not truly a happy person. He may be happy for the wrong reasons but still unhappy inside.

 

A man claiming to be happily married but still cheating is a big BS.

 

I am extremely happy. More blanket generalzations thrown out with an air of authority.

[Sauron]

Cheating usually has NOTHING to do with attractiveness... Normally a cheater just looks around for a "willing victim".

 

This patently false. I would never cheat with an overweight, ugly women with no personality. And believe me the world is full of them and they wouldn't care if you your had 5 wives.

[Sauron]

I was OW several times and the entitled MM was the only kind I ever met.

They had absolutely everything, including a wife they loved, they just wanted a girlfriend too.

 

Clearly I learned my lesson after being Married to someone similar .

But mine are not the only examples. it is very very common for especially successful middle aged MM to have affairs.

 

And it isn't because they feel unloved or lonely or neglected.

They are often philanthropists , beloved members of society. Have it all and want more...because More is what they do.

 

Yes, an enlightened comment. Why wouldn't we all want more if it's available. Most likely what's going on with the man the OP posted about. He wants more than he is getting. If he is succesful, he doesn't want to trash his life, he wants to expand his human expierence.

[Sauron]

When the cheater tells his OW that he's "happily married" it's code for "don't expect anything from him".

 

Except sex, of course - he's a giver...

 

Most have a character flaw - which OW prefer to ignore...

 

Yes Bill Clinton is flawed, but the most univerisally loved political figure on the planet. He likes women, so therefore he is flawed, no matter that he did much good for his country and was one of the most popular respected leaders in memory, except for maybe FDR, who had his own mistress.

[Sauron]

he isnt happily married would be my guess, he shoudnt be married..should never have got married........should seek counseling because now he is married..if he loves her doesnt seem like it though..deb

 

I bet he loves his wife just fine. If he wants another woman, that doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife, more ALL or nothing thinking. Uhhh if you think about it, that's why a lot of reconcilations happen.

[Sauron]

In the UC survey, the 30% who self report marital issues in that survey ( and that survey is fascinating -I've read the full data set before)as the reason for their affair?

 

I am surprised it isn't higher- not because the percentage of causation is higher, but because in affair psychology, rewriting marital history and contrast affectation are powerful forces. I would assume it would take a lot of introspection and work on oneself to acknowledge personal issues that cause cheating, and not blame others.

 

But that's just my read on it. introspection after an affair isn't for the weak of heart, and it's got to be hard to settle blame for such poor decisions squarely on your own shoulders.

 

Do you have a resource or reference for affair psychology?

[skywriter]

Sauron,I bet he loves his wife just fine. If he wants another woman, that doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife, more ALL or nothing thinking. Uhhh if you think about it, that's why a lot of reconcilations happen.

 

 

That's right and his wife loves him, so she deliberatly turns a blind eye, and if anyone tries to explain to her that her H is disrespecting her , she immediatly defends him.

 

Why? Because they are commited...

 

So, the question begs, why wouldn't he cheat?

[Furious]

Hmm, I assume you are cheating.

 

But, don't want to call yourself a cheater.

 

 

 

It appears he's a man with unmet needs...lol.. Not a cheater.

[JamesM]

The question becomes after reading all of this: Why would a woman want to have a relationship with a man who says he is happily married?

 

Many good reasons listed. None to add. I can say that it is hard for a man who is truly in love with his wife to actually follow through and cheat if he is overall an honest man. Any other woman can't fill the emptiness that she leaves if she is the one he wants. Even when it comes to sex.

 

So, if a man says he is happily married and still has an affair, then my guess is that this man is simply looking for the thrill of a secret life and the excitement of a sexual relationship with a different woman.

[Emilia]

Not everyone is a dishonest cheater who cheats, some have needs that aren't being met at home and can't leave. Making blanket generalazations about everyone is naive in my opinion.

 

Why? Is this particular person locked in the basement? If not, why can't they leave? If they can't leave, why do they have to cheat?