Dealing with controlling parents at 25yrs of age

[negatedsoul]

I am 25 years old and currently studying a phd in science. I grew up in a controlling and criticising home and at the age of 18 moved out. For the past 7years I’ve worked to pay my bills, funded myself through college and only returned home when absolutely necessary. Four months ago however, my life went through a rough patch – my university drastically cut my scholarship money thus leaving me struggling to pay rent/tuition etc despite also working at a p/t job, my 3 year relationship ended, and I fell into depression. In this state of mind I moved home.

But the control and criticism is worse than when i lived there before. They justify the control by saying “i am under their roof”. Here are a few examples:

 

My parents either repeatedly tell me that I am “a failure, selfish, a cow”, or else they will go for days giving me the silent treatment.

• I have to ask to use the phone, to shower, to open my window or walk outside.

• I have a bedtime and morning time. My mother must call me and put me to bed

• My mother comes into the doctors with me (into the room )

• I am not allowed go anywhere by myself. If i want to go to the supermarket, town, on a trip, my mother makes up some excuse and comes with me. I have tried insisting on going out myself but then my parents start an argument with me and tell me i am selfish and that i use them.

• If i meet friends it provokes one massive argument at home and if i do get to go, i have to be brought to and collected at their doors by my parents. And my mother will ring me every hour until i am home.

• While in college she rang me at least 7 times a day, somedays these phone calls would last an hour. If i didn’t call her in a day, she’d start a massive argument the following day telling me i am once again inconsiderate and selfish.

• They open all my mail. When i tried redirecting my post, they told me that if i did that, they would not talk to me again.

• They equally have access to my finances by getting me to agree to a joint account a few years back. This account only stores my money despite being ‘joint’. I have said before that I was setting up a private account and the same argument of ‘we will not talk to u again, why are u so selfish, why do u hate us’ etc comes at me.

 

 

Last week I removed out of home. They didn’t want me to go, tried ringing my phd programme to remove me from it, and when i finally did leave, we had the worst argument to date, to the point that they told me to leave for good.

My question is, how do I get them to change and to treat me like an adult? Is there anything i can do? My parents have been difficult to live with, but i do love them and my heart is broken that I can’t have a relationship with them. If they would just listen and treat me with respect and as an adult, i would want to be around them more and i’d tell them more. I have tried endlessly talking to them about it. But they don’t believe they have done anything wrong and won’t listen and keep telling me I have made it all up in my head and that i am a liar. They don’t understand the affect their controlling tendencies have on me or those around them, they keep saying ‘they have done everything for me, given me everything’ (which they have) and they see my insistence to live away or to visit friends as a complete rejection of them and as rebellious and selfishness. The guilt of moving out of home at 18 and keeping distance has plagued me for years. I see how much i’ve hurt them. Is there any way i could attempt fix this? I am a good, hardworking person, and the guilt of disowning my own parents from my life is killing my mind. I do now feel selfish and unappreciative and i feel like a bitch of a person. I broke their hearts when i left. And when i am out of the immediate environment i often wonder if I am making it up and if things were really ‘that bad’.

[pink_sugar]

Wow I'm surprised you've put up with them for so long. And to answer your question, no...they will not change. If you want to have a relationship with them and keep your sanity, you need to move back out. This is a very toxic situation and you did nothing wrong. I moved out at 18 for similar reasons. Your parents also remind me of my husband's parents who also opened his mail and kept track of his banking statements...he was 22 at this time. You cannot even leave the house alone? This is definitely a no good situation. My dad would also tell me how many things he's done for me and honestly your parents sound a bit narcissistic.

[amaysngrace]

I would go open a separate bank account immediately and have all funds that are directly deposited into the joint account be switched over.

 

I could not live that way. Have you done something that would make them not trust you?

[SpiralOut]

They are using emotional blackmail to control you and that is their fault, not yours. It sounds like you have tried to break free but their threats are stopping you. To get away you need to stop wanting their approval. That's easier said than done, I know. But I think what's really stopping you are the threats they give you. If you don't care anymore about what they do (including cutting you off), they can't control you anymore.

 

this website describes emotional blackmail further:

Out of the FOG - Emotional Blackmail

Edited September 28, 2012 by SpiralOut

[LuckyLady13]

Negated, whoa! Okay, I know where you're coming from. My parents (mostly mother) is the same way as yours (and also much worse) so I understand.

 

I'm ahead of you by a few years here so I want to give you a head's up to save you grief. I hope you'll listen because if someone told me what I'm going to tell you, I'm not sure I would've listened.

 

The guilt trips are out of jealousy of your independence. Your mother it seems especially does not like your independence, wishes she was more like you, is insecure and dependent on you.

 

You need to break this cycle.

 

There's no reason (are you listening?) to feel guilty for moving out as a grown adult at 18. That is what you're supposed to do! It is not selfish.

 

What is selfish is trying to keep your grown child with you when they are supposed to be growing as a person and living their own life. Your parents knew the day you were born that one day you would be an adult and move out, get a career together of your own, have a house, bills to pay like everyone else and potentially get married and have your own kids.

 

Your mom just isn't at a point of accepting a fact of life.

 

I agree 100% when SpiralOut said they can't control you anymore the moment you stop caring about their threat of cutting you off. This is how they have a hold over you.

 

I'm not going to say that the way I approached the same problem is the right way or the only way but since I didn't find a better way, I had to cut my parents off. When I did, I realized that they were so dependent on me that I was just plain free with a big weight off my shoulders with them gone and my mothers threats were actually completely empty. They missed me but I didn't miss them (and still don't).

 

You're not going to be able to reason with them or get them to "see the light" because they aren't interested in what's right. They're interested in what they want and probably know full well how wrong it is. They don't care. I honestly think trying to talk to them will waste your time and breath so if I were you, I wouldn't even try.

 

Instead, you have to set boundaries for yourself and understand it's completely NORMAL to move out at 18 and you didn't just not do something wrong but did something right! Okay?

 

You're going to have to teach them with your actions, not words. The word no means no so if you say that you're moving out, that's it! End of story. Don't listen to threats. Hang up the phone or walk away and keep going forward, doing what you're supposed to do.

 

In most banks it only takes one person on the account to close it out, despite there being other people on it so get your butt to the bank, close the joint account if they have no money in it and open a new one in your name only and throw your money in there.

[turnera]

I think you know in your heart that it won't get better. The best you can hope for is to disappear from their lives for a few years and try reaching back to them once you are graduated, on your own, earning your own living, and having gone through a lot of therapy. Then, there is nothing they will be able to use against you.

[pink_sugar]

You need to break this cycle.

 

There's no reason (are you listening?) to feel guilty for moving out as a grown adult at 18. That is what you're supposed to do! It is not selfish.

 

What is selfish is trying to keep your grown child with you when they are supposed to be growing as a person and living their own life. Your parents knew the day you were born that one day you would be an adult and move out, get a career together of your own, have a house, bills to pay like everyone else and potentially get married and have your own kids.

 

My dad comments to his friends that I moved out too young (18). There's a reason for that. He was being emotionally and physically abusive for months and within 6 months, he brought his wife's 6 year old daughter into the house. I'm glad I moved out so I didn't have to put up with that *****.

Edited September 28, 2012 by pink_sugar

[TG4MJ]

This might sound over the top, but I have a friend that swears by it:

 

He too had a similiar situation where he moved out around his early 20's for the same reason, his parents were very controlling and despite his age, still treated him like he was a teenager. His mother go on arm flailing melodramatic tyrades over him being a smoker and a drinker, even when he did this responsibly, hated us simply because we took him out to pool halls or clubs, hated any and every girl he ever dated, would constantly wake him up in the middle of the night simply cuz she "just wanted to talk to him and make sure he was ok", had an annoying habit of pounding on his wall when we would listen to music, watch a movie, or even talk and she thought it was too loud, and now matter how quiet we tried to be, we were ALWAYS too loud, got a hold of our numbers and would constantly call us to see if he was with us and then make some petty threat if she felt we were lying. She was a very overbearing and oppressive woman and I can't help but think it played a major role in his not really growing up and maturing as a person as he is already 30 and still behaves like a teenager.

 

Long story short, we basically used today's video technology to catch his mother in action if you will, over the span of about nine months. We caught her yelling at him and us for stupid things, making over the top claims about us, coming at us with crazy conspiracy theories, being rude to his then girlfriend, throwing over the top temper tantrums when she found traces of alcohol or cigarettes around the house or on his person (once again he was already like 24 at the time). We then confronted her with it all and it quickly, for lack of a better terms put her in check. She realized just how bad she was and for lack of a better terms, begged us not to let it go out as she was an elementary school teacher at the time and didn't want her students to see her in that light, which led to an agreement, our keeping the footage to ourselves in return for her treating him like a grown up and not a child. With his newfound freedom he was able to get a better job, save up and move out. She still secretly resents us for getting one over on her but the important thing is that she acknowledges that what she put him thru was wrong and she feels at least a smidge of embarassment.

 

Trust me man, this will work, catch them in action and put together a nice little compilation, the next time they start in on you, confront them with the footage, I guarantee this will take the wind out of their sails or your money back ! No matter how stubborn a person is, nothing would knock the wind out of their sales better than knowing that their bad behavior is filmed and knowing it could be seen by people they don't want it to be seen by. Just my .2.

[turnera]

That's a great idea!

[Sugarkane]

I can relate as my parents are the same. They always straight out lied that everyone doesn't leave home until their married (even though my dads sister never did and hasn't lived at home for decades). My mum always has an excuse about a family friends son who is 30 and living at home (because he's training to be a doctor which takes years).

[Sugarkane]

I can relate as my parents are the same. They always straight out lied that everyone doesn't leave home until their married (even though my dads sister never did and hasn't lived at home for decades). My mum always has an excuse about a family friends son who is 30 and living at home (because he's training to be a doctor which takes years). How did you manage to leave home so young? In this economic climate it's difficult.

[prettylittlethings]

It's difficult because most people grow up seeking approval and validation from others, particularly from the people we care about the most, more often than not, our parents. You need to detach yourself from this notion because it ain't going to happen unless you decide to willfully do exactly what they want you to do.

 

You cannot change other people, and it is not wise to leave your happiness to depend on the hope that your parents will change. Find internal validation rather than letting external factors and factors out of your control, control your mood. The only person you can change is yourself. Either accept and give in to their ways(and do it without animosity or negative feelings), and if you cant do that, hit the road. Find a way to be independent, find a way to support yourself, I certainly did. It feels good, I promise.

[Sugarkane]

Seems to Be a baby boomer thing. I loathe how the media likes to put down our generation alot. Why does the media never Blame the baby boomers inability to let us go?

[Sugarkane]

I wonder if our grandparents ever had this problem. Since most people were married/ pregnant by our age. Does anyone know?

[Sugarkane]

It never surprises me how immature these parents can be- down right manipulative, screaming, lying, threats, blackmail and verbal abuse.

[nitelifeguy]

Don't feel bad..i'm being still related to like time stood still and i'm 15 again..There is NO way to fix it..I went to counseling over these "controlling parents" issues and the therapist told me that my parents will "never change" and advised me just to move out but ohhhh.."it takes a full-time job to do that"..Yeah, where i'm going to find that..I was like thank you for delivering my recession and life sentence..

[Caryopteris]

This kind of control is repulsive to me. I've had my parents try the occasional move if I asked for help, but it so offended me that I retracted my request and handled my problems another way. Your parents sound much worse; is this a cultural thing? It sounds like my Asian pen pal's family situation.

 

I would put some distance between yourself and them as soon as possible. You must become independent and not let them have too much information. That way they don't know how to try to control you. Get established in a job. Rent a room in somebody's house to get away from them if you can't afford an apartment. Don't live too close. Always buy cars second hand so you can pay them off quickly and get rid of your car payment. Keep all your bills low so you don't need them. Work a second job if you need to. Then you have the excuse that you don't have time to see them. When you talk to them, don't say much; not even where you work or live. Just tell them you are happy and they don't need to worry about you. Don't argue with them. It takes two to argue. They know all your buttons, so neutralize all the buttons.

 

I am 25 years old and currently studying a phd in science. I grew up in a controlling and criticising home and at the age of 18 moved out. For the past 7years I’ve worked to pay my bills, funded myself through college and only returned home when absolutely necessary. Four months ago however, my life went through a rough patch – my university drastically cut my scholarship money thus leaving me struggling to pay rent/tuition etc despite also working at a p/t job, my 3 year relationship ended, and I fell into depression. In this state of mind I moved home.

But the control and criticism is worse than when i lived there before. They justify the control by saying “i am under their roof”. Here are a few examples:

 

My parents either repeatedly tell me that I am “a failure, selfish, a cow”, or else they will go for days giving me the silent treatment.

• I have to ask to use the phone, to shower, to open my window or walk outside.

• I have a bedtime and morning time. My mother must call me and put me to bed

• My mother comes into the doctors with me (into the room )

• I am not allowed go anywhere by myself. If i want to go to the supermarket, town, on a trip, my mother makes up some excuse and comes with me. I have tried insisting on going out myself but then my parents start an argument with me and tell me i am selfish and that i use them.

• If i meet friends it provokes one massive argument at home and if i do get to go, i have to be brought to and collected at their doors by my parents. And my mother will ring me every hour until i am home.

• While in college she rang me at least 7 times a day, somedays these phone calls would last an hour. If i didn’t call her in a day, she’d start a massive argument the following day telling me i am once again inconsiderate and selfish.

• They open all my mail. When i tried redirecting my post, they told me that if i did that, they would not talk to me again.

• They equally have access to my finances by getting me to agree to a joint account a few years back. This account only stores my money despite being ‘joint’. I have said before that I was setting up a private account and the same argument of ‘we will not talk to u again, why are u so selfish, why do u hate us’ etc comes at me.

 

 

Last week I removed out of home. They didn’t want me to go, tried ringing my phd programme to remove me from it, and when i finally did leave, we had the worst argument to date, to the point that they told me to leave for good.

My question is, how do I get them to change and to treat me like an adult? Is there anything i can do? My parents have been difficult to live with, but i do love them and my heart is broken that I can’t have a relationship with them. If they would just listen and treat me with respect and as an adult, i would want to be around them more and i’d tell them more. I have tried endlessly talking to them about it. But they don’t believe they have done anything wrong and won’t listen and keep telling me I have made it all up in my head and that i am a liar. They don’t understand the affect their controlling tendencies have on me or those around them, they keep saying ‘they have done everything for me, given me everything’ (which they have) and they see my insistence to live away or to visit friends as a complete rejection of them and as rebellious and selfishness. The guilt of moving out of home at 18 and keeping distance has plagued me for years. I see how much i’ve hurt them. Is there any way i could attempt fix this? I am a good, hardworking person, and the guilt of disowning my own parents from my life is killing my mind. I do now feel selfish and unappreciative and i feel like a bitch of a person. I broke their hearts when i left. And when i am out of the immediate environment i often wonder if I am making it up and if things were really ‘that bad’.

[TwinkletOes26]

Seems to Be a baby boomer thing. I loathe how the media likes to put down our generation alot. Why does the media never Blame the baby boomers inability to let us go?

 

I agree with this statement the media love to portray our generation as spoiled.entitled,and downright stupid,but fails to look at some of the reasons. I have heard and experienced countless times my friends and I have been treated like children by our parents. Despite our accomplishments and efforts...my mother and my friends parents will state "well if it were not for me you wouldnt be a (insert job,finding a mate,ect ect)...

 

I once went over to a friends house and her mom and dad were yelling at her like shes still a teenager about how her apartment is kept(her mom is a neat freak),who she allows to come and go in her house and finally her clothes. They demanded she change from what she was wearing ( a tank top and jeans ) to something they felt was more appropriate. We were going to applebees lol everythi ng is appropriate to wear to applebees just about. Her dad went so far as to hide her keys until she changed they ere in HER house lol.

 

So I agree some boomers not all have issues with letting go of control i notice. Maybe it is because in the past yu could count on society to keep your kid in line but not so much now a days. USe to be that society(usually the town you lived) would keep ypu in line and since you usually didnt move then your parents were around to keep you "in check" even after your became an adult. SO you always had eyes on you. Now people move far from the watchful family eye and it scares some parents i suppose cos you could be out doing anything and i mean anything and they wont know and cant stop it....maybe thats why.

 

OP trust me i was in your situation know they wont change and I found that moving far away got my mom to change her tune SOMEWHAT she still tries to tell me what to do but she knows if she goes to far I can get in my car and go to my house and not talk to her until she decides to treat me like an adult.

[pink_sugar]

Don't feel bad..i'm being still related to like time stood still and i'm 15 again..There is NO way to fix it..I went to counseling over these "controlling parents" issues and the therapist told me that my parents will "never change" and advised me just to move out but ohhhh.."it takes a full-time job to do that"..Yeah, where i'm going to find that..I was like thank you for delivering my recession and life sentence..

 

 

Not to get down on you, but if you really wanted to get out of your parent's house that bad...you find whatever means possible to do so. You search day and night for a full time job...find roommates, cut back on spending. There are ways to do it. The poor me attitude won't work.

[TwinkletOes26]

I dont know the guy did sound like he was working but only part time....the truth be told in todays recession its not as easy as it was to find a job let alone a full time position. People forget especially if they already have jobs that we are in a recession still. I ask anyone before judging us "young spoiled entitled generation" regarding indepenence please take a gander at the want ads (online,newspapers ect ect) and you will find the jobs listed either want very specific skills or they only want part time workers. This is with a person having the education and experience. I had a friend who got her masters and could not find a job. In fact she is now working in a lil po dunk town (her words not mine) with very little pay PART TIME. She says she made more in tips at her old job as a waitress.

 

Before anyone says "open your own business" not everyone is cut out for that also most financial advisors warn against staring up a small business in such a terrible time when peoples purse strings are tighter than ever.

 

No one knows what anyone else has been through unless you have walked in their shoes. To quote lil boosie "you dnt know my struggle so you cant feel my hussle".

[turnera]

Well, then, anyone stuck at home and unhappy should at least be attending college, to be able to GET one of the skilled jobs.

[TwinkletOes26]

Even if you do attend college with the job market the way it is a person puts in the application and can be up against 1,000 people at a time....jobs are not easy to come by regardless of education. Anyways even if the OP wanted to attend college who knows if his parents will agree. You cant get fin aid on your own now until you are 25 ...before then you either pay out of pocket or your parents have to give their tax info out. Also a lot of colleges require freshmen to live on campus (which is more money).....so again nothing is as easy as it sounds.

 

Also college doesnt prepare

OP all I can say is I was in your situation too took me a long time to find a job and I have now since found another one and live in a different state than my parents. Dont let this situation get you down just keep trying I promise something will come along.

Edited October 11, 2012 by TwinkletOes26

[turnera]

IDK, I worked crap jobs for 15 years while I got a degree at night. Are things hard? Of course.

 

But you can sit on a couch and gripe about how you're getting shafted, or you can up your activity and find ways to get out from under your parents. And going to college is almost NEVER going to be a waste of time. Taking even one class a semester at a junior college is a hell of a lot smarter than just doing your part time job and spending the rest of your time sitting at home being miserable.

[Sugarkane]

Don't feel bad..i'm being still related to like time stood still and i'm 15 again..There is NO way to fix it..I went to counseling over these "controlling parents" issues and the therapist told me that my parents will "never change" and advised me just to move out but ohhhh.."it takes a full-time job to do that"..Yeah, where i'm going to find that..I was like thank you for delivering my recession and life sentence..

 

I got pretty much the same answer too. Felt like a waste of money.

[Sugarkane]

I don't know why it's so hard for them to let go. But honestly this level made me absolutely resent them. Also for the media taking the piss, when no one has fixed the economy. That would've helped. Now I know why people become strippers,one of the few things that recession proof.

Edited October 12, 2012 by Sugarkane