seren Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Today, while sat hugging a small whisky, sat outside in the cold watching our dogs race around H sighs, I ask what's up, he says I am just so dammed thankful that you had the belief in me to see that I could change, could be who I wanted to be and to stick around despite my (he) having an A, despite all I did to our relationship, you loved me enough to forgive me. He tells me how he envy's that I have integrity and feels he lost his by having the A. He also says that he is so dammed content at where we are with us that he could burst. I agreed. I said that I wish, with all my heart that an a wasn't a part of our marriage history, but it was and that it shows the strength of our relationship that we managed to work through it and are where we are despite the A. I also reiterate that I am so dammed happy that I too could burst. It led me to acknowledging how our changed behaviour and how our almost losing each other made us both look at the value of communication, of not running away from problems and of how a relationship can sometimes be swept to one side when there are multiple demands in the marriage. I was reminded of how we were before our marriage went awry, we had date nights, we were intimate, we snuggled and we talked. Problems H had with himself saw him withdraw and me run about trying to bat off all stress from hitting him, that I forgot to expect him to do the same, this added to him feeling not good enough, not able to feel he was doing his bit and was just one of the loose threads that helped to unravel our marriage. A thread on another part of LS asks how can a marriage be happy when there is an A and we talked about this today. H says that the problem was that he felt he wasn't good enough for our marriage, for me and that he ran away from problems knowing I was strong enough to hold the threads together and that he felt not needed. We spoke about the KISA effect and both acknowledged that instead of fighting the dragons that threatened our relationship he needed to feel he was good enough to be the dragon slayer. The OW was, like H, a conflict avoider, she too was married the A was pretty toxic, both enabled the other to run away, self validating each other's behaviour, while their BS's stood and battled the dragons One of the ways we have changed since he told me about the A, was that we both recognise while I am the fixer, I need the support of my very own KISA to watch my back. H says I appear so capable he forgets I am also, sometimes the damsel in the tower. We laughed at the analogies, but they seemed apt and described perfectly what we both felt. It is so good to not be be the only dragon slayer in our relationship. Without change, without the biggest dammed dragon attacking our tower our relationshp wouldn't be where it is today. We are in a new, more equal relationship despite the A, it is 5 years to the day that he told me and while I hate that it all hapened, I am grateful that what followed made us look at what we might have lost. No denial here, no snarky comments about the A, just someone who has made it out the other side, intact, happy and saying that it can work, it really can be dammed good and that there can be a day when you can talk about it and acknowledge the dark place it was, but recognise that it is in the past and that there can be a future. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 For a moment there, I thought the thread was about me... Do you think you would have been able to make the changes you made in these 5 years without the disruption of the A? What do you think the outcome would have been if you hadn't found out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author seren Posted September 28, 2012 Author Share Posted September 28, 2012 For a moment there, I thought the thread was about me... Do you think you would have been able to make the changes you made in these 5 years without the disruption of the A? What do you think the outcome would have been if you hadn't found out? Cutedragon's would have been welcome, the dragon's I tend to fight off at those great big scary one's To answer your questions, had H continued down his path of self destruction, the A being one of the ways he used as validation of him feeling not good enough, then there would have been a point when I would have said enough is enough. This would probably not have led to my leaving H, I love the bones of the man and I don't give up on anyone, but, it would have led to a, it has to change conversation. TBH, I had asked repeatedly what was wrong, H was also getting to the point where I think he would have had a serious breakdown, this might have meant we changed, but I doubt it. What made us change was to both recognise how very close we came to losing us and we are and always have been, in love. The outcome, well that too would have depended on H's willingness to talk and to address his personal dragons (PTSD, combat stress). Had there not been PTSD and he had an A, then I would possibly have viewed the A in a different light, that he was so changed from the man I knew him to be was a factor in my decision to stay. I can also say that the relief he felt on telling me lifted a huge weight off his shoulders. I don't excuse for one moment the A, nor the pain I felt, but, I also recognise that it wasn't me he intended to hurt by having an A, but himself. It was very toxic. Sorry, long winded this morning. Truly? I never stopped loving him, he never stopped loving me. I would have looked out for him, always, I loved him enough to walk away. It was only when faced with the fact that we could lose us, that kicked us both up the bum and made us confront the smoking ruin that our marriage was in danger of becoming. I suppose the A was the last straw, in that I mean for H as it said to him that he had reached such a low point and, call it fog, call it denial, H calls it his head up his a*** time, call it what you will, losing us was the blow the fog away wake up call. That we both acknowledged it had to change might not have happened without the A. That we picked over the bones of us and asked how could this happen to us, then we would not have addressed issues and problems and might have drifted until all love had gone. How very sad that would have been. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 To answer your questions, had H continued down his path of self destruction, the A being one of the ways he used as validation of him feeling not good enough, QUOTE] Funny you should say that seren. H says to me that he has always thought he was 'punching above his weight' being married to me. The A was about being with someone who polished his ego because she worshipped the ground he walked on, rather than me who truly loved him in but in a more prosaic everyday sort of way. Anyway, once she'd had to pick up his trainer socks < she'd have been less keen to get that close to his feet or the ground they'd walked on..... Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Cutedragon's would have been welcome, the dragon's I tend to fight off at those great big scary one's To answer your questions, had H continued down his path of self destruction, the A being one of the ways he used as validation of him feeling not good enough, then there would have been a point when I would have said enough is enough. This would probably not have led to my leaving H, I love the bones of the man and I don't give up on anyone, but, it would have led to a, it has to change conversation. TBH, I had asked repeatedly what was wrong, H was also getting to the point where I think he would have had a serious breakdown, this might have meant we changed, but I doubt it. What made us change was to both recognise how very close we came to losing us and we are and always have been, in love. The outcome, well that too would have depended on H's willingness to talk and to address his personal dragons (PTSD, combat stress). Had there not been PTSD and he had an A, then I would possibly have viewed the A in a different light, that he was so changed from the man I knew him to be was a factor in my decision to stay. I can also say that the relief he felt on telling me lifted a huge weight off his shoulders. I don't excuse for one moment the A, nor the pain I felt, but, I also recognise that it wasn't me he intended to hurt by having an A, but himself. It was very toxic. Sorry, long winded this morning. Truly? I never stopped loving him, he never stopped loving me. I would have looked out for him, always, I loved him enough to walk away. It was only when faced with the fact that we could lose us, that kicked us both up the bum and made us confront the smoking ruin that our marriage was in danger of becoming. I suppose the A was the last straw, in that I mean for H as it said to him that he had reached such a low point and, call it fog, call it denial, H calls it his head up his a*** time, call it what you will, losing us was the blow the fog away wake up call. That we both acknowledged it had to change might not have happened without the A. That we picked over the bones of us and asked how could this happen to us, then we would not have addressed issues and problems and might have drifted until all love had gone. How very sad that would have been. It would have been sad. I'm so glad to hear a success story! Do you believe that your marriage is the strongest it has ever been since recovering from the affair? Your H having PTSD is an extra variable in the whole scheme of things, and I have so much empathy for those that suffer from this. I have it myself, and it can bring up all kinds of wrenches in your gears at the most horrid times in life. I'm SO glad that you were understanding of the disorder, it's effects, and were able to reconcile within yourself too. I wish you and your H many more years of happiness (and whiskey on the deck!!!! ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 accepting that an affair happened can be hard, but nothing can change the fact that it did...it's whether or not one can accept it, learn from it and move on that matters This brings to mind the question of whether or not someone can cheat on a spouse if they are happy in their marriage or if they love their spouse...i think some can...some can be so unhappy in their own skin that they won't be able to be happy no mater where they may be...in that situation, the problem isn't the marriage, rather it's the person...you move them to a different situation, and their demons are still there perhaps this is part of why so many married men/women, when presented with the opportunity to end their marriage, choose to stay... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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