AnotherRound Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 So as not to threadjack another thread... How many OW/OM entered into a relationship with a MP who told them that they were happily married? If your MP didn't say that they were happily married, would you have entered into the relationship or stayed if they had been happily married? How many BSs believed that they were happily married when their spouse had an affair? How many WSs were happily married when they had an affair? If my exMM had said to me that he was happily married, I wouldn't have continued the affair. Part of the reason that I continued was bc he had needs that weren't being met that I could (and wanted to) meet, and his stbxw appeared to be okay with the arrangement as long as we were discreet. When I was a BW, my marriage was not happy when my exH had an affair. I absolutely understood why he had the affair, even if I didn't agree with handling his unhappiness that way (I was unhappy too but didn't have an affair). But, he was a non-communicator, so, he had an affair instead of responding to me when I confronted him re the issues in the marriage. And, I know this won't be a scientific sample - but I'm just curious how many posters were in these situations... thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Oh good gracious no! Their marriage was awful. Tragic, in my view. He was lonely as hell, but she had someone to turn to. They were in denial up to their necks. I felt sad for them both. Weirdly I felt I preferred the terrible relationship I'd come from than a relationship with no affection, passion or companionship. I didn't realise there were people who lived that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I honestly don't know what I would have done if he had said he was happily married. I was madly infatuated, so I doubt it would have stopped me in the beginning; probably it would have shortened things, as I was able to compartmentalize for several months, but then I couldn't anymore. They were happy as parents in a sexless marriage (she was happy with that too).Very disconnected as a couple, but the facade was definitely one if a happy marriage from what he told me. For my marriage, we both knew we were unhappy and stuck. My H had been threatening divorce for a year, and I had been thinking of it. I don't threaten, I deliver when I get to that point. I find words cheap without action. I would guess happily married people are more prone to ONS, some drunk mistake where their brain wasn't thinking anymore about the happiness at home because the hormones took over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frenchdoll Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Loaded question.... I was a WS and a BS in a very unhappy marriage. I ended up leaving my xH for my AP and he went to his AP. None of those relationships ultimately survived, but I am still best friends with my former 'AP-turned-boyfriend'. I was the OW in a subsequent relationship; he never said he was 'unhappily married' he just said that he and his W had a 'friends' relationship; they keep separate bedrooms and that there was no sexual component; they also never had children. I was the one who originally seduced him. our A was very passionate and I expected that to trump a boring 'friends' set-up. It didn't... Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherRound Posted September 28, 2012 Author Share Posted September 28, 2012 Loaded question.... I was a WS and a BS in a very unhappy marriage. I ended up leaving my xH for my AP and he went to his AP. None of those relationships ultimately survived, but I am still best friends with my former 'AP-turned-boyfriend'. I was the OW in a subsequent relationship; he never said he was 'unhappily married' he just said that he and his W had a 'friends' relationship; they keep separate bedrooms and that there was no sexual component; they also never had children. I was the one who originally seduced him. our A was very passionate and I expected that to trump a boring 'friends' set-up. It didn't... Sorry to hear that if that is what you wanted - a relationship with him that wasn't an affair. I had never really thought of that with my exMM. I was just taking it day by day, and as long as I was satisfied with what we had, then I was in. When I became dissatisfied with it, I was out. I guess that's why I had such confusion when he called me and asked me to date him - I had never considered that, lol. I guess I'm not a person who lives in the future? Maybe bc I don't have an ultimate goal of having a marriage and/or children, so it allows me to be freer and just live in the now, and do what makes me (and my partner) happy. And, some people can get very comfy in the "boring friends" set up I think. Men especially do not like change - they fight it with everything that they have. And some women too. So, I wouldn't take it personally, it probably had nothing to do with you, but a lot to do with security and comfort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frenchdoll Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Sorry to hear that if that is what you wanted - a relationship with him that wasn't an affair. I had never really thought of that with my exMM. I was just taking it day by day, and as long as I was satisfied with what we had, then I was in. When I became dissatisfied with it, I was out. I guess that's why I had such confusion when he called me and asked me to date him - I had never considered that, lol. I guess I'm not a person who lives in the future? Maybe bc I don't have an ultimate goal of having a marriage and/or children, so it allows me to be freer and just live in the now, and do what makes me (and my partner) happy. And, some people can get very comfy in the "boring friends" set up I think. Men especially do not like change - they fight it with everything that they have. And some women too. So, I wouldn't take it personally, it probably had nothing to do with you, but a lot to do with security and comfort. I totally agree with your analysis. He would say so himself that he was very resistant to change. I should haven taken his word and stopped seeing him entirely. He ended up being in an even more uber-comfy situation with his 'friend' marriage (he used to refer to her as his 'room-mate'. What a cad.) then the passionate, romantic lovemaking part with me on the side. I guess with the way you perceived your A you didn't have all the pain associated to ending it. You were looking out for yourself. I wish I could have seen it that way instead of romanticizing everything and dreaming of a future that didn't have a chance of happening...! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 AR, it's hard not to take it personally when they drop your heart and don't even look back because they're on their way to make it up to the W. I do take it personally, at least for now. frenchdoll, I approached mine too, and I am allegedly "the woman of his dreams". Yeah, dreams... because right now he's home with the woman of his reality. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherRound Posted September 28, 2012 Author Share Posted September 28, 2012 AR, it's hard not to take it personally when they drop your heart and don't even look back because they're on their way to make it up to the W. I do take it personally, at least for now. frenchdoll, I approached mine too, and I am allegedly "the woman of his dreams". Yeah, dreams... because right now he's home with the woman of his reality. I get that. I guess what I was trying to say, is that I don't attach my self worth or my value to that??? In that, no matter what exMM decided (or anyone for that matter), I am internally validated, so I don't take it personally. I get how some do, I just don't???? I choose to see it in what I consider a more realistic way (just my opinion). I see it as there are a lot of variables involved - it's not the stbxw or the other OW that came after me vs. me. It's a whole slew of things vs. me. Divorce, children, splitting of assets, moving out of a home, etc and on and on. So, if I'm not "chosen", I don't think it reflects on my value, bc I know I'm valuable, and worthy, and loveable and deserving. Nothing anyone else does changes that for me, my confidence in that doesn't waiver. Is that not how most people look at it? I mean, did you take it as a reflection on your attractiveness as a mate (in all ways, not just physical)? I honestly just don't do this. If someone rejects me, which has happened before, I just chalk it up to we aren't meant to be. It doesn't hurt my feelings, or make me question myself. ???? I'm probably not "normal" though, lol... so, there's that... lol Link to post Share on other sites
chinneytan Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I doubt he was neither happy nor unhappy with the marriage. He "married" for the sake of it. If he was happily married, he won't choose to leave his wife to work overseas and not return home when his company pays for his air-ticket. (they are newlyweds) Back to the question, No I will not be with him if they were happily married. But then again, whats the definition of being happily married? There is always a saying, “You don’t marry the one you love..” 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherRound Posted September 28, 2012 Author Share Posted September 28, 2012 I doubt he was neither happy nor unhappy with the marriage. He "married" for the sake of it. If he was happily married, he won't choose to leave his wife to work overseas and not return home when his company pays for his air-ticket. (they are newlyweds) Back to the question, No I will not be with him if they were happily married. But then again, whats the definition of being happily married? There is always a saying, “You don’t marry the one you love..” I suppose that "happily married" can mean different things to different people. In this thread, it would be the person answering the thread's pov of their own situation. If their MP told them they were happily married, I guess I would just take them at their word, as I would have no reason to doubt them. I would just find it hard to understand why they would want an affair if they were happily married. I really need to meet some of these entitled people that I've heard about, I feel like I'm missing a HUGE portion of the population by having never met any!!!! I hate when I have gaps in my experience like that! Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 No, absolutely not. He was unhappy in his marriage, planning on divorcing. I was unhappy in my marriage and planning on divorcing. I do not understand the idea of being happily married and having an affair. I understand not leaving because of the affair but being happily married and cheating? Yeah I can't comprehend that one. Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 How many WSs were happily married when they had an affair? My then-affair partner asked if I was happily married, and I told her I was. I was deeply in denial at the time, as to admit that things were bad would confront with me with having made a really bad mistake in taking my then-wife back. My then-wife had begged me to take her back following a year-long separation initiated by her, during which she'd fallen apart and the children had been traumatised. By contrast I'd been very happy with her gone, had started to reclaim my life and honestly felt that it was like when you stop beating your head against a stone wall, the relief was so blissful. But seeing how traumatised the children were I felt really guilty for enjoying my happiness and so agreed to take her back on condition that she would go to marriage counselling with me, a promise she subsequently reneged on. Of course things simply went back to as bad as they had been before, but because I was invested in believing that I had made the right decision I could not admit that to myself. But once I experienced what a respectful, caring, connected relationship was like, in the affair, I was confronted with just how broken my marriage was and I could no longer ignore that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
j'adore Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Neo told me he was happily married. He had never experienced the full extent of what a good relationship can give you. Now he realizes needs of his were not being met. It was obvious to me early on that their relationship was lacking something. You can see it in the desperate desire of the MP to have unmet needs met. MM told me his marriage was ok when we started the affair, I thought I was ok too sort of initially. After 4 years, recently about two months ago, he told me he wished he had met me before. So do I Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 It was obvious to me early on that their relationship was lacking something. You can see it in the desperate desire of the MP to have unmet needs met. I think that sounds predatory. An outsider who wants to infiltrate a relationship that is experienced as "happy" by those who are in it will ALWAYS try to find and capitalize on weaknesses and "unmet needs." Which always exist, because, fantasyland aside, NO relationship fulfills every single need of both people in it. That is why most of us have other things in our lives besides our primary relationship. Why is the primary relationship of a AP even the business of the other AP anyway. There is no way they are getting the real picture of that relationship. No matter how much some of you insist that you know everything. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 As BS The M wasn't happy at the moment and I know exactly what I did to contribute to it. As someone said it didn't give him a license to cheat but the M was not in a good place at the time he cheated. As OW He loved his W and was happy enough. He said it was fine and there was nothing wrong with the M. Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I think that sounds predatory. An outsider who wants to infiltrate a relationship that is experienced as "happy" by those who are in it will ALWAYS try to find and capitalize on weaknesses and "unmet needs." Which always exist, because, fantasyland aside, NO relationship fulfills every single need of both people in it. That is why most of us have other things in our lives besides our primary relationship. Why is the primary relationship of a AP even the business of the other AP anyway. There is no way they are getting the real picture of that relationship. No matter how much some of you insist that you know everything. I want to like your post twice. What you mentioned is another reason why I am resentful of OW in general. I felt like the OW in my situation was not peripheral to my marriage. It felt like she was all up in it and through it. She was working hard to exploit any chip in our marriage he was dumb enough to lay out for her inspection and comments. I remember that she called me after d-day to "counsel" me I suppose. She told me "he basically only married you because you were pregnant" I guess he failed to tell her that marriage had already been talked about and was part of the plan when we got pregnant. (plus we had already been dating 5 years at that point). He told me that she had told him that I probably had an affair partner of my own and that he and I were in an open marriage and didn't know it. And I agree with you, I don't believe any one person in this world can meet all of our needs. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
firstandlast Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 So as not to threadjack another thread... How many OW/OM entered into a relationship with a MP who told them that they were happily married? If your MP didn't say that they were happily married, would you have entered into the relationship or stayed if they had been happily married? How many BSs believed that they were happily married when their spouse had an affair? How many WSs were happily married when they had an affair? If my exMM had said to me that he was happily married, I wouldn't have continued the affair. Part of the reason that I continued was bc he had needs that weren't being met that I could (and wanted to) meet, and his stbxw appeared to be okay with the arrangement as long as we were discreet. When I was a BW, my marriage was not happy when my exH had an affair. I absolutely understood why he had the affair, even if I didn't agree with handling his unhappiness that way (I was unhappy too but didn't have an affair). But, he was a non-communicator, so, he had an affair instead of responding to me when I confronted him re the issues in the marriage. And, I know this won't be a scientific sample - but I'm just curious how many posters were in these situations... thanks! I and my MOW swore we had happy marriages when we entered the affair. We actually thought it was a sign we were meant for each other -- if we could attract each other away from a happy marriage, our chemistry must be something! It turns out that hers was much worse than she was letting on, and mine had problems that I hadn't recognized. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 I and my MOW swore we had happy marriages when we entered the affair. We actually thought it was a sign we were meant for each other -- if we could attract each other away from a happy marriage, our chemistry must be something! It turns out that hers was much worse than she was letting on, and mine had problems that I hadn't recognized. Not sure if you're saying this in past tense or if it's something you currently believe. But people should learn about chemistry and realize that one can have amazing chemistry with more than one person and even within a happy relationship you can still experience that with another....it's about if you feed it or not. Chemistry, IME, isn't about "meant to be" and doesn't signal anything more than that...chemistry. Not saying sparks and romantic butterflies and a "connection" don't matter....it does...but people need to put it into perspective and realize it is often not unique or THE signal that a situation is right and you can have chemistry with someone for reasons that are not "pure" and "loving" but often negative as well. You can have amazing chemistry with someone totally wrong for you. In fact, I was reading up on how some women who continuously date the wrong men who are uncommitted, unavailable, abusive etc, because they have chemistry and sparks and butterflies (which often are signs of anxiety as well) and when they meet men who are right for them they never want them, because the men who are safer bets, who are actually available and loving, they don't feel that chemistry-anxiety with them. These women chase the feeling of chemistry and land in the same pit every time. The author herself was one such woman and explained how she met her now husband and how she did not feel that intense "chemistry", they were friends and things developed overtime and for a long time she didn't want to be with him because she didn't feel those dramatic (and unstable) feelings. Anyway, long story short, chemistry can be great but there is healthy and unhealthy chemistry, chemistry also is not some fool-proof sign of anything and it is a MYTH that when you find "the one" you can never ever ever be attracted to another. That's bull. You can always be attracted to another, esp given the tides of life, and committed, monogamous relationships are about choosing not to feed attraction. Its silly IMO to believe that if you're married and you have an attraction to another person, it means they are your real soulmate and it's a sign. Is it possible some ppl married the wrong person? Yea...but it seems a lot more common that they did not, but held myths about how marriage is supposed to be and how you're supposed to feel and thus think that if they feel anything for anyone else it must mean that they are in an unhappy marriage. If you had no idea your marriage was unhappy until you got attracted to another....I'd wager that your marriage is not unhappy, but you have a novel attraction that hasn't been tested so the grass seems greener. If you're in an unhappy marriage YOU KNOW...you don't need to read it in the papers or in the eyes of a new person 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SecretFlower Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 My AP was not married when we began the affair, but I don't think they were unhappy. I think he cared and loved her and had fun with her, but it wasn't anything that exciting. They had been together for a few years and I don't think he knew how to handle the idea of leaving her. They were high school sweethearts and we were still rather young. And, when they were married there was nothing happy about it. He left for weeks at a time and lied to her about working abroad so he could be with me. They fought a lot and he would frequently be gone for days at a time, because he could "stand to be around her". They never really wanted to get married. Or, at least he didn't. They got married because she was pregnant and he found it too difficult to leave her when they lost their baby. I think their marriage was an obligation and that's why I stayed as long as I did. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 I think that sounds predatory. An outsider who wants to infiltrate a relationship that is experienced as "happy" by those who are in it will ALWAYS try to find and capitalize on weaknesses and "unmet needs." Which always exist, because, fantasyland aside, NO relationship fulfills every single need of both people in it. That is why most of us have other things in our lives besides our primary relationship. If the M really was that happy, the OW could stand on her head and do magic tricks with her golden vagina and the MM would still not be tempted away from the M. The fact that they're willing to betray the BS and to risk the M at the drop of knickers shows how "happy" they must be. When my stomach is full, I don't order dessert however attractive they look, because I'm satisfied. If a M was meeting a MM's needs, he would have no desire to engage in an A. Why is the primary relationship of a AP even the business of the other AP anyway. There is no way they are getting the real picture of that relationship. No matter how much some of you insist that you know everything. So who does "get the real picture" of the M - the BS who insists that everything is fine and ignores the MM's stated needs over years until he looks to have them met elsewhere? The MM who realises when he sees how happy he is with another woman quite how unhappy he was before, and how deep his denial was? The friends who knew him before and during the M, who've stayed in the house and observed firsthand the way he is treated like **** and how much the M has changed him over time, for the worse? The MC, who tries to get the W to accept responsibility for her own toxic behaviour because what is being demonstrated in the counselling session? The kids, who have become emotionally stunted because of the atmosphere at home? Who exactly does hold this panoptical view of The Truth About The M, since it can't possibly be the result of the OW's research and observations...? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 Maybe some cheaters are happy in their marriages and they just become greedy for more happiness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 That is fine and dandy, but the wandering spouse needs to be dishonest to cheat. Honest people do not cheat. IIRC the topic of this thread was whether the MM was happily married or not, not whether or they were honest? Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 What does that mean though? H got distracted by another woman at at a time in his life when work was stressful, our youngest child was being particularly difficult (he has mild aspergers) and I was depressed. Neither of us were having a good time to be honest and I can tell you I had needs that weren't being met. But unless the OW had the power to stop J from being autistic, ease work stresses and stop me being depressed she wasn't going to 'meet his needs' any more than I could. She was a distraction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherRound Posted October 13, 2012 Author Share Posted October 13, 2012 What does that mean though? H got distracted by another woman at at a time in his life when work was stressful, our youngest child was being particularly difficult (he has mild aspergers) and I was depressed. Neither of us were having a good time to be honest and I can tell you I had needs that weren't being met. But unless the OW had the power to stop J from being autistic, ease work stresses and stop me being depressed she wasn't going to 'meet his needs' any more than I could. She was a distraction. I think the trick is trying to define where a "bump" in the marriage ends and it becomes an issue that identifies the end of the marriage. For instance, in my exMM's case, it was literally more than a decade of the marriage not working - that can hardly be called a "bump" imo. I do wish he (or she) had handled it differently, but they didn't. So, they are where they are now. I think if someone goes outside of the marriage every time there is a bump - then, yes, that is a problem. But, someone who goes outside of the marriage after years of neglect, and is honest with the partner about it, that should be the end of the marriage, imo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 What does that mean though? H got distracted by another woman at at a time in his life when work was stressful, our youngest child was being particularly difficult (he has mild aspergers) and I was depressed. Neither of us were having a good time to be honest and I can tell you I had needs that weren't being met. But unless the OW had the power to stop J from being autistic, ease work stresses and stop me being depressed she wasn't going to 'meet his needs' any more than I could. She was a distraction. It means he had bad boundaries and awful stress coping skills, and his choices kicked you in the head and the heart. The affair wasn't about the OW. It was about your spouse's issues, and she likely mirrored back the image of himself that he was projecting to her. Like Narcissus and his reflection, it's a common dynamic. If you haven't already, you should read the book Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It will help you understand the dynamic better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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