I Pushed Her Away, How Do I Get Her Back?

[GoBomb36]

Ok guys, I'm new to this place, so hang in there with me. I'm 25, and my ex and I broke up a few months ago for numerous reasons. In all actuality, to keep a long story short, I didn't necessarily treat her right. I was in the midst of a career change (we worked together), and I am getting back into coaching, so the time period was quite stressful. It started in June (obviously, it's now September), and ever since then I've been struggling to get myself straight.

 

June comes, and I end up quitting my job to begin my new career as a college baseball coach. I was so caught up in getting that rolling, that I began ignoring her and not treating her great...saying bad things, downgrading her, and just overall, being a complete jackass, of which I deeply regret. When we split up, I told her I would work on myself and get back to that happiness we once had when we started dating in February. Just a week ago, it slapped me in the face and I realized the only time I was really happy was when I was around her...we hung out two days in a row last week, and I had that fire again, even though the first night we hung out I was down because of a long, terrible day. A few days pass, and I tell her I'm ready to work it back out, and that I feel great around her, but she doesn't want to, because she was so hurt for so long.

 

Now, she is hanging out with a new guy (and she even warned me this would happen if I didn't come around, so I can't say I'm surprised. I totally screwed this up). She tells me she loves me, and that she doesn't know what the future holds, but she can't do it right now because she was so hurt for so long and feels like she now has a chance to be happy. She wants to see where things go with this new guy, because she said she feels happy now.

 

The kicker is, I finally realized I wanted her, and now I'm hurting like crazy because I don't have what was keeping me stable the entire time, and that is her. Right, I do need to be stable on my own, but as stressful as my life is right now, it was amazing having her there for me when I had troubles. Now, she isn't there, and it is absolutely killing me. I regret every mistake I've made regarding her. I sent flowers to her work the other day, left a note on her door last night, and feel like I've put it out there for her, because I know she loves me and I know I love her.

 

My question is, what do I do now? Do I continue to let her know I love her? Do I just stop trying to contact her? I'm very confused. I dealt with a broken engagement a year ago, and that nearly killed me, and I'm not ready to go through something like this again. So, I really need to get her back because I love her like crazy, and do not want to go another minute without her. I have royally screwed up, and want to straighten this out with her so we can go back to being happy like in the beginning. If you could provide me with some advice, I would deeply appreciate it, guys!

[winstonsdreams]

dude i am sorry, your story is pretty similar to mine, my ex started seeing a new dude and i tried asking for her back but nothing works, when girls move on that's that. now 3 months later i am pretty glad i didn't send flowers or any ***t like that, it looks desperate man. you have to let it go, my ex loved me, i mean really loved me, but when they move on you have to respect that. so i basically cut her off and haven't heard from her since. i suggest you do the same and focus on her. let her be and go complete NC. i know it hurts but you owe it to her to let her find happiness. i went through the same thing man trust me it hurts but you will get there. stay busy and go NC.

[GoBomb36]

You're right, man. It is terrible. I'm sorry you had to go through this, too. I just wish I had noticed this sooner, because just like your case, she loved me crazily, and I know she still does, because she just told me a little bit ago. So I guess I'm hanging on to that idea. What we had in the beginning was very strong...I just hope it can come back. But I appreciate it, and I'll try that out.

[TopCat22]

Have to agree with Winston. You've tried always being around and all the romantic gestures, best bet now is to go NC. I'm not sure if it will work, but at the very least she will miss the attention you gave her. Sadly she might replace it with attention from the new guy, but I can't see any other play for you here. It's tough when you know you messed something up, but you can't make her love you and want you back. See if removing yourself from her life for a while yields any results.

[GoBomb36]

You guys are right. I figured I'd get a different response out of those gestures than I did, which is very frustrating/deflating. So complete removal from her life? She has mentioned being at least a friend, even though she nor I know what the future holds.

[TopCat22]

Yes, I'd go complete NC and removal. She has to see what life is like without you. All the time you're her "friend" she knows you're there as a fallback if this other guy doesn't work out. Wish her well and tell her that it's best for both of you to not speak for a while (don't set a time limit). If she suggests being friends, just say you'll see. Don't commit.

 

She will either get used to not having you around and concentrate on the new guy, or miss the hell out of you and reach out. Women's feelings are complicated, but I think this is all you can do.

[GoBomb36]

I think you're right, NC is about my best way to go. We have texted today, and we talked this morning...It was after our conversation this morning about the new guy and how she just isn't willing to do this with me right now that I created this thread. We've texted throughout the morning, so I just need to cut that off too, right?

 

NC is one of the toughest things to do, and I've sucked really badly with it in the past. Any pointers on how to successfully do it? You guys have been a great help.

[GoBomb36]

And how would you recommend going about Facebook and Twitter? Sorry for all of the questions, just trying to get my ducks in a row quickly.

[DavidG]

I think you're right, NC is about my best way to go. We have texted today, and we talked this morning...It was after our conversation this morning about the new guy and how she just isn't willing to do this with me right now that I created this thread. We've texted throughout the morning, so I just need to cut that off too, right?

 

NC is one of the toughest things to do, and I've sucked really badly with it in the past. Any pointers on how to successfully do it? You guys have been a great help.

 

This is my situation to a T bro. I did the same exact things you did to my now ex and did not realize what I had until she was gone. I want to marry this girl and it may be too late. She is now with another guy that does just about every romantic thing in the book and it kills me because I want to do those things. Ive laid everything out on the table and she says she loves me more than anything in the world but its too late and she wishes I had come around sooner. Ive sent a couple emails putting it all out there and telling her that I want to spend the rest of my like with her. She sends semi mixed signals saying she wants to spend the rest of her life with me but shes been heart broken for a while and she cant do it right now. Its such a horrible situation bro. I take that last line as a glimpse of hope but in reality, its probably a false sense. I want to marry this girl and honestly all we can do is to go full out NC!!!! The only hope or possibility for either of us is to accept what we have done and to move on. There is no answer other than NC. Everything else you do will more than likely push her further away and you have to accept the fact that no matter if we get them back, we have to heal first and simply accept the break up. Holding on to a false hope will keep you exactly where you are now. Its the hardest situation Ive been in and Ive deployed to Iraq 3 times. lol...I'm on day 1 bro right there with you. Just wanted to share my story since I read yours and thought I had somehow posted it myself. I sincerely hope you get what you want and remember, no matter if you do or you don't, you WILL be happy again

[DavidG]

And how would you recommend going about Facebook and Twitter? Sorry for all of the questions, just trying to get my ducks in a row quickly.

 

You need to block her from everything in my opinion. Get rid of every possible social networking or communication method linked to them. If you don't you will be tempted every time you are down to see what they are up to. Nobody posts depressing pictures on FB. You will more than likely see what you dont want to see as I have (mine posted "cant wait till your beside me tonight" on her "rebounds" link on FB). Not saying yours will go that far but that was a stab and twist for me and I wish I never had seen it.

[DavidG]

NC is one of the toughest things to do, and I've sucked really badly with it in the past. Any pointers on how to successfully do it? You guys have been a great help.

 

The biggest thing to remember is under NO circumstances should you break NC!!!! You WILL feel weak and want to reach out but just know that you being absent from her life is the only chance you have. No emails, texts, FB likes (if you don't block her which I highly suggest), do not contact her friends or family (I almost did that this morning), no nothing. You will not get the feedback from them that you are looking for and you have to start over. It is going to suck but it will get easier and it is the only chance at a reconciliation, if even possible.

[Rosa Tamora]

Hi,

I'm a chick...and from a chick's standpoint, men who push us away, want us back, push us away, want us back...make us crazy. It's an emotional roller coaster ride. I just got off one, in fact because I couldn't take the multiple breakups, all initiated by him. 2 weeks post breakup, the dude is checking out my profile on Match.com (i just posted about this). Its like he regrets it or whatever.

 

When you left the note on the door for her, did you explain you were sorry for your mistakes and you would love to work it out with her again? Women love men who can communicate. So if you feel she is your end-all, then go forth and communicate. If she really really loves you, even though you're a basketcase, she might take you back. Most of us don't have an "OFF" button that we can turn off the affection for someone. It's not that easy!

 

So, take this from a chick: tell her you love her, and you're sorry for how you treated her. Then, leave that ball in her court. Go better yourself, be kind to yourself and continue life i.e. love yourself. If she comes back, then ok, great. But you gotta keep moving and not hold your breath. If she doesn't come back, then you're on your way to recovery and becoming a better partner for the next lady that walks your way.

[GoBomb36]

This is my situation to a T bro. I did the same exact things you did to my now ex and did not realize what I had until she was gone. I want to marry this girl and it may be too late. She is now with another guy that does just about every romantic thing in the book and it kills me because I want to do those things. Ive laid everything out on the table and she says she loves me more than anything in the world but its too late and she wishes I had come around sooner. Ive sent a couple emails putting it all out there and telling her that I want to spend the rest of my like with her. She sends semi mixed signals saying she wants to spend the rest of her life with me but shes been heart broken for a while and she cant do it right now. Its such a horrible situation bro. I take that last line as a glimpse of hope but in reality, its probably a false sense. I want to marry this girl and honestly all we can do is to go full out NC!!!! The only hope or possibility for either of us is to accept what we have done and to move on. There is no answer other than NC. Everything else you do will more than likely push her further away and you have to accept the fact that no matter if we get them back, we have to heal first and simply accept the break up. Holding on to a false hope will keep you exactly where you are now. Its the hardest situation Ive been in and Ive deployed to Iraq 3 times. lol...I'm on day 1 bro right there with you. Just wanted to share my story since I read yours and thought I had somehow posted it myself. I sincerely hope you get what you want and remember, no matter if you do or you don't, you WILL be happy again

 

I feel you, man. I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. It is pretty tough, and I hate to see anyone go through this. It's very tough when you know your love is with someone else. I have no idea how to get back on my feet with this!

[DavidG]

Time is the only thing bro. Its hard as ****. I drank last night which gave me a false sense that I was over her. Woke up at 5am with a rock bottom feeling and its been lingering with me all day. Do NOT suggest drinking!

[LostOne1]

Time is the only thing bro. Its hard as ****. I drank last night which gave me a false sense that I was over her. Woke up at 5am with a rock bottom feeling and its been lingering with me all day. Do NOT suggest drinking!

agreed.. I drank a few times maybe once a week.. it made me feel like crap the next day far worse.

 

I don't want to be drinking my pain away.. it just makes it worse. I just wanna handle and battle it head on!

[GoBomb36]

Well guys, the weekend is over, and it was a rough one. I did quite a bit of drinking, and I just couldn't seem to get anything off of my mind. It really sucks to look on Facebook, and see pictures of her and her new guy.

 

The last time I went through this stage, it was merely the heartbreak of what was going on. This time, there is heartbreak and I also have a heap of stress thrown on me. I have no clue what to do. I am a personal trainer, so I do workout alot, but that doesn't seem to help relieve any of my stress or heartbreak. Any suggestions?

[TopCat22]

Firstly I'd block her on FB. Seeing her profile and what she's getting up to will not help in the slightest. I also wouldn't recomend drinking, it only heightens your emotions, so probably not a good thing right now.

 

There's no easy way to take your mind off her but trying to keep busy is the best thing.

[DavidG]

Well guys, the weekend is over, and it was a rough one. I did quite a bit of drinking, and I just couldn't seem to get anything off of my mind. It really sucks to look on Facebook, and see pictures of her and her new guy.

 

The last time I went through this stage, it was merely the heartbreak of what was going on. This time, there is heartbreak and I also have a heap of stress thrown on me. I have no clue what to do. I am a personal trainer, so I do workout alot, but that doesn't seem to help relieve any of my stress or heartbreak. Any suggestions?

 

Dude, the only thing is time and trying to stay as busy as possible. I slept for 3 hours last night. I cannot stop looking at instagram pictures of them or checking FB. She texted me with "wow" late sat night because she pulled a drive by on my house and saw that my car wasnt there. Then she said " i hope you had a great night last night" the next morning all while her new bf and her are sleeping together every night. I was so happy for those texts but they mean nothing. Its over. I also go to the gym 6 days a week and since its already apart of my life does nothing. It actually is having a big negative effect because my diet is **** now and my lifts are dropping significantly. I wish I had the answer bro. Everyone says to go be happy with yourself and do the things you love. I am struggling with that tremendously because I find zero enjoyment in being by myself all the time and when I hit up my friends, its all about alcohol and partying. All a can come to see is that I need a replacement for her. As ****ty as it sounds, I think this is the only way for me personally to get over mine. Other than that its all time. I wish I could just figure out how to sleep bro. I slept for 5 hours the other night after taking 2 ambien! and melatonin doesnt do **** either. Hows your sleep and diet?

Edited October 1, 2012 by DavidG

[Kov]

guys I feel your pain. I'm going through the same thing not even 48 hours old. I'd link you my thread but it's so painfully long I pity anyone who reads it. Long story short mine went to college after 3 years together. We vowed to do the long distance thing and our love was strong. She started to drift away slowly and I started to screw up. My temper got the best of me and she says she needs space. I'm just numb. I get no enjoyment out of anything. I can't do anything. The only thing I have done is try to watch my football team on tv today and I don't think I had a shred of emotion during the entire game. I could care less. About anything. Not a single clap. Nothing. They won btw. Do I even remember it? Not really. I was just blankly off into space.

 

Anyway man I guess there's alot of us out there. I hope you guys can get some sleep and eat something. I'm having the same problem. Not having a problem smoking tho.

[GoBomb36]

Dude, the only thing is time and trying to stay as busy as possible. I slept for 3 hours last night. I cannot stop looking at instagram pictures of them or checking FB. She texted me with "wow" late sat night because she pulled a drive by on my house and saw that my car wasnt there. Then she said " i hope you had a great night last night" the next morning all while her new bf and her are sleeping together every night. I was so happy for those texts but they mean nothing. Its over. I also go to the gym 6 days a week and since its already apart of my life does nothing. It actually is having a big negative effect because my diet is **** now and my lifts are dropping significantly. I wish I had the answer bro. Everyone says to go be happy with yourself and do the things you love. I am struggling with that tremendously because I find zero enjoyment in being by myself all the time and when I hit up my friends, its all about alcohol and partying. All a can come to see is that I need a replacement for her. As ****ty as it sounds, I think this is the only way for me personally to get over mine. Other than that its all time. I wish I could just figure out how to sleep bro. I slept for 5 hours the other night after taking 2 ambien! and melatonin doesnt do **** either. Hows your sleep and diet?

 

I feel your pain, my brother. Melotonin doesn't work. I'm a personal trainer, so obviously I already workout, also, so there is no escape for me when I come in the gym. And we worked together here at the gym before she moved 30 minutes away. But for my diet and sleep, they are both slipping badly. I drank until 4 this morning and I had a client at 7:45 this morning. I come in the gym, and just imagine her standing at the front desk like old times. And I was too ignorant to just love her and keep this going for us. She wanted it, and wanted me badly, but I just didn't hold on, and I pushed her away. Now, I'm having to suffer from my own.mistakes, and it is affecting every aspect of my life. Even my escape routes are tarnished, and I have tried to get rid of everything I have that reminds me of her. I'm even debating on taking a book back to her that she bought me because the thought of it hurts me.

 

But yeah, man, diet and sleep are non-existent right now. I did this a year ag with my ex-fiance, now I'm putting myself through it with the girl I should've devoted my love and time towards.

[GoBomb36]

guys I feel your pain. I'm going through the same thing not even 48 hours old. I'd link you my thread but it's so painfully long I pity anyone who reads it. Long story short mine went to college after 3 years together. We vowed to do the long distance thing and our love was strong. She started to drift away slowly and I started to screw up. My temper got the best of me and she says she needs space. I'm just numb. I get no enjoyment out of anything. I can't do anything. The only thing I have done is try to watch my football team on tv today and I don't think I had a shred of emotion during the entire game. I could care less. About anything. Not a single clap. Nothing. They won btw. Do I even remember it? Not really. I was just blankly off into space.

 

Anyway man I guess there's alot of us out there. I hope you guys can get some sleep and eat something. I'm having the same problem. Not having a problem smoking tho.

 

Know exactly where you are right now, bro. How did it happen? Did you just not give her the attention? That's what happened with me, I thought I had her wrapped up...and now I don't. She has a guy that is giving her that attention, and she is really happy. She waited on me for so long, and I didn't come around until it was too late. She told me I was going to regret it, and i'll be d***** if she wasn't right. Told me I'd push her into another's arms, and I sure as heck did.

[DavidG]

Man our situations are 100% the same. The worst part is that we know we would both do different and that they 99.9% probably will never get to see. Mine pretty much had someone lined up once she broke it off because she had been hurt for a while. It hurts soo ****ing bad but I cant even get mad at her for that. He is doing everything right that I didnt do and is basically being the "perfect guy". Im not sure why she semi came back for a week and talked alot of unnecessary stuff about him (him being overweight, dropping the love bomb after 2 weeks!!!, getting out of a divorce, has a kid, a dead end job, and even that Im "bigger" than him which is pretty shallow to say about someone) but I dont have the energy anymore to analyze **** that is getting me more depressed. The thing is is that they chased us and we didnt have to try. We took what was in front of us for granted and they got fed up with us. It sucks even more (and I am assuming your situation is the same in this aspect as well) is that her family and friends are all supporting her decision to leave since they have dealt with her disappointment in us. And now that they are gone, we both realize what she was. Im 29 and ive been through the first breakup (of 4 years) and this situation is 100x harder. All I want to do is send her a text to ask her if shes happy but I cant and wont because I know it will not be the response I want. Ive honestly seen about 10 incidents where the ex gf goes back to her ex and it works out long term. It DOES happen more often than people think but in each situation the two had both moved on and dated other people first. No matter if they come back or not, we have no choice but to heal and completely get over them. PM me if you ever need to vent or for whatever reason. I think this forum is going to help us at least a little and we need all we can get. And from what I see, we have identical situations. Keep at it bro. One day at a time.

Edited October 1, 2012 by DavidG

[GoBomb36]

You're right, man. This is so tough. I went through a broken engagement last year in July and had to battle this same ordeal. Now, I'm in the same boat I was in just a year ago. I know things will be better and I will bounce back, but I am not in a condition to go through this again. This time, even though I wasn't engaged and she and I didn't date nearly as long, it is just killing me. I am going to the doctor tomorrow morning to get checked out and see what can be done, but I don't know how effective that will be.

 

This NC thing is very tough, especially when I know if I text her she will reply, unless she is with her new guy she is hanging out with, of course. And that is just a completely different monster. The thought of me pushing her into someone else's arms after she fought so long for me when I wasn't quite ready is so frustrating, angering, saddening, and just simply crushes me. I can't help but cry in the mornings, and I can never seem to stay busy enough.

 

Yesterday, she and I texted some, and I sort of opened things up to her and put it back out there. Ran across the Bible verse 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, and told her about it, and said that's the love I wanted with her. She told me that was her favorite verse. I spoke to her more about that, and she told me it sucks it took me this long for that. She wanted it for 3-4 months here recently, and I just wasn't receptive to it. She has told me she loves me. I just hurt her a bunch along the way, and I guess a girl can only take so much. I just know if I get her back it will be different this time. I see all of these scenarios where a guy and girl get back together, and for once I want this to happen to me!!! Because I know it will be different! I just don't know how to get her back...

[GoBomb36]

Man our situations are 100% the same. The worst part is that we know we would both do different and that they 99.9% probably will never get to see. Mine pretty much had someone lined up once she broke it off because she had been hurt for a while. It hurts soo ****ing bad but I cant even get mad at her for that. He is doing everything right that I didnt do and is basically being the "perfect guy". Im not sure why she semi came back for a week and talked alot of unnecessary stuff about him (him being overweight, dropping the love bomb after 2 weeks!!!, getting out of a divorce, has a kid, a dead end job, and even that Im "bigger" than him which is pretty shallow to say about someone) but I dont have the energy anymore to analyze **** that is getting me more depressed. The thing is is that they chased us and we didnt have to try. We took what was in front of us for granted and they got fed up with us. It sucks even more (and I am assuming your situation is the same in this aspect as well) is that her family and friends are all supporting her decision to leave since they have dealt with her disappointment in us. And now that they are gone, we both realize what she was. Im 29 and ive been through the first breakup (of 4 years) and this situation is 100x harder. All I want to do is send her a text to ask her if shes happy but I cant and wont because I know it will not be the response I want. Ive honestly seen about 10 incidents where the ex gf goes back to her ex and it works out long term. It DOES happen more often than people think but in each situation the two had both moved on and dated other people first. No matter if they come back or not, we have no choice but to heal and completely get over them. PM me if you ever need to vent or for whatever reason. I think this forum is going to help us at least a little and we need all we can get. And from what I see, we have identical situations. Keep at it bro. One day at a time.

 

I agree, buddy. I was with my ex-fiance for 3 and a half years, and with this girl from February to June, and were still hanging out up until last week. And this one is more painful than the last...I just want that chance to prove myself to her again, and show her it can be as good as it once was.

[mgce]

Your story is basically the same as mine, only I probably have a few months of recovery over you. She and I technically broke up last October (almost a year ago!), but stayed linked on social networks and in on-and-off personal contact until last June. I've had all the same thoughts, regrets, hopes, aspirations, and overwhelmed feelings as you, but I'm now at a point where it really is settling down and I think of it as a past chapter of my life instead of part of my current reality.

 

I'd just like to share these things, which are clear as day to me now but weren't remotely clear in the fog of even just a few months ago:

 

- Treat NC seriously. End all social contacts in the most definitive way possible. Don't just unfriend her on Facebook: block her account. Take her out of your email / phone contact lists. Delete all emails between you and her, then empty out your "trash" folder. I went through months of unnecessary horrible pain because I didn't do these things. *Nothing* good can possibly come out of anything you see there, period. Remember and embrace that basic point every time you're liable to relapse (which of course will happen often). Before checking some email or FB status or whatever, ask yourself "honestly: will this action do me harm or good?" and "what will I honestly, practically gain by doing this?". You'll know in your heart it won't do you good. Then give yourself some serious moments of reflection on why you would want to consciously inject pain into your daily life. I can mark the exact day my real recovery truly began: the day I blocked her on Facebook in June and eliminated all ways of easily contacting her or seeing anything (e.g. old messages) that yanked me into the past.

 

- If you've made it clear to her that you regret, you're sorry, you've realized your mistakes, you want her in your life, etc. then do not *ever* reach out to her. Let her reach out to you when/if she's ready. She knows your position. You reaching out first cannot possibly help, period. I always used to think "if I just express this point or state things this way or make this feeling clear", I could turn the situation around. That doesn't work. And that temptation never goes away. You have to learn to stop giving into it. I reached out to her in the most heartfelt, respectful, sincere, and understanding ways. Not only did it not help; it (inexplicably) reaffirmed her desire to stay away from me. It closed her off to me even further. It's now been 4 months of 100% NC between us and it seems to be going strong from both sides. All I can say is that, after 4 months, it's easier not to give into the temptations (although they're still definitely there). But you have to get to this point if you remotely want any chance of good relations in the future. Leave the ball in her court, no matter how long she lets it stay there.

 

- It's extremely hard to overcome the feeling that you messed up, you're responsible for this crappy outcome, and that if only you had another chance to show how things are different you could rectify all that wrong. You *have* to learn to not blame yourself for this, while (seemingly impossibly) also learning to accept you may never get that other chance. It really comes down to this: relationships are *hard* and learning about them (and about yourself) is a lifelong process. We all start off in life being blathering incompetent relationship idiots. The only path to true maturity is through experiences like what you've had. There is no shame in your experience or what happened: it's part of your personal learning process and you growing into a better and more insightful person. It's unfortunate this learning comes at the cost of alienating people who were important to you, but life is messy that way and we're *all*, as imperfect humans, subject to that. It's just part of being human. In that relationship you were an imperfect human who did the best you could with what you knew and understood at the time. You really didn't make any "mistakes", even if it seems that way now. This was just your learning process. There is no "should have" / "would have": it really couldn't have gone any other way. Your relationship *had* to end the way it did. The you of today, who knows better, only exists because of how it turned out.

 

- Be gentle on yourself. Pay attention to who you are and what (aside from her) gives you happiness. Figure out what will rebuild your self-esteem, and gently nudge yourself towards doing whatever it is that gets you there. Harbor no expectations. Set no schedule. Cry whenever you need. Understand, as an imperfect human being (like everyone), setbacks are common and natural. So don't judge yourself when they happen, as they will *all the time*. Just understand what's healthy for you and gently try to keep yourself oriented in that direction, taking steps whenever you're feeling able and letting yourself rest or be miserable or even self-judgmental when you don't feel the strength to handle it. You'll continue to have *tons* of sadness. Accept it and embrace the sadness, as weird as that sounds. It's part of being alive, and it's a perfectly healthy part of you. You really *will* get better, and it's not a race, and you're not an invulnerable superhuman.

 

- She's not as happy as you think she is and her new relationship isn't as pristine and perfect as you think it is. She's also an imperfect human who hasn't suddenly figured out how to live the perfect utopian life just out of the blue. In fact, the best parts that you and she shared will never be replicated with her new relationship. Your impact on her was unique. That doesn't mean she and you will ever date again, and it doesn't mean she won't find unique value in other people to. What it means is that, no matter how life goes, you weren't and never will be "replaced". The best that can happen is that each of you finds a different kind of (imperfect) happiness with whoever does end up in your lives.

 

- Do not close yourself off emotionally to manage the pain. Do the exact opposite, as much as you can. Push your comfort zone continuously in how much you're willing to open your heart and soul to everyone in your life. Try it in small, managed ways at the beginning, if you're uncomfortable with the idea (sharing on this board is a good start). Over time, this will do absolute wonders for your well-being, self-esteem, friend/family relationships, and ability to bond with new people in your life. It'll be a core pillar of your next, healthier relationship, with her or whoever else (and whenever that occurs).

 

- Do these things as diligently as you can, as long as you need to, and one day I guarantee you the hurt and pain beween the two of you will be water under the bridge. You will think of each other fondly and without a trace of bitterness or disappointment. That's the basis for rebuilding a healthy relationship between the two of you. That's when all the crap is finally cleared out and toxic debris isn't laying around to immediately destabilize whatever you two build up. That's when you can finally try again. The trick, of course, is that you can't set a timeline on when this happens, you have to be honest with yourself about when you've gotten there, she has to be there too, and both of your lives will have changed so much by then that you can't really possibly know what form your relations will take. That's okay though. It's the basic observation that the future is unknowable. One signal that you've finally gotten there is that you'll be okay with that. Truly okay with that.

 

Good luck to you. I know this isn't easy.