Why do you care if he looks at PORN?

[FolderWife]

I want responses from the women who have a problem with their guy looking at porn. If you are reading this, just so you can tell us why we're wrong for being insecure when our husbands look at porn, or if you want to post that we are controlling, because we make our husbands not look at porn, then please don't post. We are tired of hearing why we're wrong.

 

This thread is for women who don't want their man to look at porn. I want the reason.

 

If we ask our guy, "Why do you look at porn" and he replies with, "I don't know, why don't you want me to look at it?" and we reply with, "Because it hurts me," then he says, "Why does it hurt you?" What do you say?

 

I say, "Because you were masterbating to porn, and not having sex with me, and I felt completely rejected!"

 

What's your excuse? Do you KNOW why it hurts you? Or are you as bad as your husband, and say, "I don't know." If we don't know why we don't want him to look at it, how can we get angry when he doesn't know why he does?

[Fayebelle]

Good questions! (and as I feel porn is OK I will leave my response at that )

[EC]

Good post. I think it's ok so no response but I am curious to hear the responses of why its wrong and why women dont like it? Cuz I cant understand?

[FolderWife]

Well, I'll just delve into this again:

 

I was a newlywed, and my husband couldn't get and erection, and on the off times that he would get an erection, he couldn't orgasm.

 

So the fact that he could get an erection, and orgasm while looking at porn or dirty pictures was a slap in the face to say the least.

 

I was competing with dirty pictures for sex with my own husband!

 

So I'm jealous of it, because he can get excited with porn, but not with me. That hurts my feelings, and that hurts my self confidence.

 

I think my reason is valid.

 

Anyone else??? Post any time

[HokeyReligions]

I am morally opposed to pornography. My husband and I discussed this when we were dating. I need give no further explanation than that. If his morals were different and he was adamant about pornography, we would not have got married. He said he understood and that he also felt somewhat morally opposed to pornography too, which is why he was embarrassed and ashamed of himself when he viewed it. He stopped for me. He's slipped a few times---but no one is perfect. I smoked and he didn't and it took me a while to quit for him.

 

Morals are personal. There is no right and wrong. There is no standard of morality that covers pornography. As evidenced by the many people who have posted in favor of pornography. Why so many try to change others morality to match their own is beyond me. I am morally opposed to pornography. It's not insecurity or a religious belief.

 

My morals do not suit some other people. That does not make my morals wrong, or of any less value than anyone else, or in any way 'higher than' or 'lower than' anyone else's morals. I don't want to change other people or insist that my morals should be your morals. That is silly. I won't get into a morality war with someone who thinks that they are better then me, or above me, or know more than me, or are more informed or worldly then me, because they think their morals should be the standard and don't want to accept that others can and will have a different value system/morals than they do. Let them spend their energy and frustration---I'm fine with my own morals. And they do not include pornography.

 

Its sad that a topic that can prove so painful in a relationship is not discussed early on and boundaries set before hearts break.

[FolderWife]

Good post Hokey.

 

I didn't even think about porn being a problem when we were dating. My husband *as a boyfriend* doted on me. I thought porn was something fun, because it's naughty My parents would DIE if they knew their little girl watched porn Even if it was with her husband. I NEVER dreamed it would become such an ordeal. Mind you if I ever get married again, porn will be the FIRST thing discussed after discussing marriage.

 

I just took for granted that when a man fell in love with and married a woman, that he naturally didn't do things that made her jealous, or hurt her. I guess as a husband, my dad was one to be admired I was raised around men who respected their wives, and never EVER watched a love scene. So porn was completely new to me. It was exciting as a newlywed to be introduced to it.

 

But then when it interfered with our relationship, physical or otherwise, I wanted it GONE!

[Adunaphel]

I just took for granted that when a man fell in love with and married a woman, that he naturally didn't do things that made her jealous, or hurt her.

 

I did the same mistake, taking it for granted.

 

To me it was for instance natural not to read fanfiction erotic stories about some movie/book male character and masturbate to them once I told my bf about astory i masturbated to and he felt insecure about it.

It is not that he asked me to stop reading them.

he probably never would.

He just was sort of hurt by it....once I relalized it iIdidn't do it anymore.

I am probably self centered because I can't really understand why not everyone does not naturally give up (non-vital) things that make their partners insecure/jealous.

So I make the mistake of thinking that if someone knows that certain things (that are not technically cheating) are hurtful to their partner and does not give them up, then he/she does not care a lot about his/her SO.

 

BTW, I have a ton of reason to hate porn.

But none of them is good.

Nor reasonable. (at least in a man's eyes or in some women's eyes)

Nor objective.

If you are interested in them anyway, I'll post them.

 

 

BTW I haven't asked (or *ordered*)my bf to stop watching it...not yet, and I hope I never will. I am hoping I'll manage to reconcile with porn some day.

 

And want to know one thing?

I hope I will manage to reconcile with porn, I'm trying hard to because I love my bf, and NOT because I think I *should* do it or because some people would call me a bad gf if I don't.

 

I have a right not to like porn. I have a right to feel unconfortable if my bf watches it. (not that I enjoy feeling that way). I have a right to tell him about how I feel and try to work things out.

I have the right to step out of a relationship the day porn will become an unbearable issue. (I hope it never will)

 

And I also used to think that porn was fine.

At first i even thought it was cool that my bf had a lot of it.

It started to make me a bit unconfortable after a while I was in te relationship (it all started with a very unsensitive comment of my SO about some girl in a porn pic)and when I am in bad relationships period it makes me worse than unconfortable, it makes me feel like sh*t.

[faux]

Originally posted by Monday

Well, I'll just delve into this again:

 

I was a newlywed, and my husband couldn't get and erection, and on the off times that he would get an erection, he couldn't orgasm.

 

So the fact that he could get an erection, and orgasm while looking at porn or dirty pictures was a slap in the face to say the least.

 

I was competing with dirty pictures for sex with my own husband!

 

So I'm jealous of it, because he can get excited with porn, but not with me. That hurts my feelings, and that hurts my self confidence.

 

I think my reason is valid.

 

Anyone else??? Post any time

 

I just wanted to provide another view to your situation. I have always had difficulty becoming fully aroused around actual women. When I am in the presence of an actual woman, it is an overwhelming emotional experience, and I often become too anxious to perform. If I do become ready, sometimes it is difficult for me to stop stressing, and I have extreme difficulty in climaxing. I have known other men to deal with the same thing.

 

For me, this problem is resolved once I become extremely comfortable with the woman. After I feel at ease around someone, I don't have these problems unless I am having a bad day, or something is bothering me. Then again, I do not always have these problems around every woman. However, I could imagine that for some men, it takes a lot more than time to become used to being around a certain individual. There are many factors which affect men's sexuality, or ability to perform, or even simply get an erection. It is quite easy to become aroused from pornographic images, as a man, and I know a great many other men who can attest to this. When it comes to being with an actual person, sometimes it is a little more difficult.

 

There is no emotional attachment to porn, and men often view it as a tool for sexual release — to accompany masturbation. It is quite easy, I think, to become aroused when there are no expectations, and the people are not real. The man is alone, in private, and feels comfortable in his surroundings, therefore having no trouble becoming aroused. He has only his expectations to worry about.

 

With another person, emotions are involved. Men are concerned about their performance, the needs of their partner, and unfortunately the penis does not simply become fully erect at the blink of an eye for most men. There could be many reasons as to why your husband has, or was having, these troubles. If he is still encountering problems, it may be a good idea for him to consider the possibility of a therapist suited for these types of situations.

 

If I were having these issues, and I was not receiving positive enforcement from my partner, I am certain I would continue to have such issues for a very long time. I'm certain that there is a way for your husband to become aroused around you, but it will take time, communication, and understanding. This is a problem to be worked on, and not a problem to be scorned, or blamed on something. I can completely understand your position, but I do believe you may find answers to your problem if you approached things more delicately.

 

I'm quite certain that your husband does not find anything wrong with you, and that there is something going on in his mind which needs to be addressed.

 

I hope that my response was not undesirable.

[the_opposite_sex]

at first, i didnt like my b/f lookin at porn. Now i realize that its just a tool, nothin more. He don't want anything more from those women besides enterntainment purposes. We sometimes look at porn together. I have found that its a turn on for me, and sometimes just plain fun to look at. I'm an odd one b/c if we're out in public and there's pretty girls around, i feel threatened...but i dont by porn. is that odd?

[arcadia]

Well.. the porn issue is a strange one for me.

 

I, myself, enjoy watching porn with my partner. It really turns me on and we always have great sex afterwards. As far as watching it myself, I do occasionally (i'd say once a month at most) but i dont masterbate to it.. i watch it to get me in to mood for when my boyfriend comes home. (for some reason watching it makes me feel really sexy and more agressive)

 

However...

 

 

My current boyfriend is the only one i have had who has had a great interest in porn. Mind you, his interest in porn didn't include me. When i entered this relationship, he gave off the impression that he was one of those guys who liked the good, old-fashioned one on one sex and didn't go for all the kinky stuff. Since I am a little more adventruous, it was hard to draw him out of his shell to get him to try new positions, and to watch porn with me. He didn't seem to have an interest in it at all, and made it out like he watched the porn with me just because i wanted to.

 

Then, one day, i found his porn collection on his computer. (he didn't do a good job of hiding it) There was TONS of it. i mean TONS. Gigs worth. and 90% (no exaggeration here) of it was "rape" porn.

 

So... obviously i was taken by suprise that my little innocent , pure. goody-goody in bed boyfriend was interested in rape porn. And apparently VERY interested in it. I admit i was a little freaked out by it. Maybe if it had been normal, everyday, girl-guy porn i wouldnt have worried so much. I stressed over it a bit but after a good period, i finally discussed it with him, and felt a billion times better about it once he explained why he had this fetish. And even offered to try a watered down version of the fantasy for him. (Of course he was reluctant to do it with me, but hey.. i offered!)

 

So after all that, time passed and the time came when he was having less and less sex with me. I was frustrated and didn't understand why he didnt seem interested in sex at all. I didn't equate the porn addiction to it at first, but in a moment of desperation i went to the ol porn folder again and realized that he was watching hours of porn a day. So my assumption that he "just might not be in a sexy kinda mood lately" had gone out the window. I confronted him. I made it clear that i wasnt asking him to stop watching porn, i was just asking him to stop ignoring me. He agreed, and things picked up a bit.

 

 

So... as more time has passed. I felt like i had finally gotten through all the porn roadblocks and fully accepted my boyfriend's porn addiction. He still watches it practically every time he is alone in the house for more than a minute, but he also still has great sex with me, so i cant really complain.

 

But just when i thought i was completely okay with it, his addiction made it so he couldnt even wait for me to not be around to watch it. One afternoon, i was in the bedroom taking a nap, while he was in the adjacent room, watching his porn. I woke up and saw him through the crack in the door. I wasn't mad... though i will admit i didnt especially like actually seeing him watch it. But i went with it, and figured i would just jump him and we would have great sex. (as he wasnt masturbating to the porn, just watching it) So when he comes into the bedroom, i wake up and motion him over. He says he needs a shower and he will be right out.

 

Hahah... i;m not a stupid girl. and I know he doesnt normally take 45 minute showers. So of course i knew he was masturbating in the shower. WHILE I WAS THERE. so of course i am kinda insulted. I mean.. who wouldnt be? So when he returns, i confronted him and told him i really wasnt cool with him watching porn while i was in the other room. i told him to "save it for his own time". I dont think that is unreasonable is it? He agreed, as he always does, but i have to admit i am getting kinda sick of having all these issues with porn pop up. I am not even interested in watching it together anymore.. i am just sick of it period. I would NEVER ask him to not watch it, as i know he enjoys it , but if it is going to continue to affect our relationship, i am going to continue to have to talk about it, and it is going to continue to piss me off until i completely hate porn forever.

 

 

(deep breath) so. in conclusion... why do i care if he looks at porn? Because I feel that my relationship would be much easier without it.

 

the end

[EC]

I know I said I would leave for a while but lunch was boring and this is my last post for a while lol :

 

It's not odd. I guess that would make me an odd one too.

 

I am confident but every now and then when we go out and I see a girl that's "his type" I freak a lil.

 

But when at home we watch porn together sometimes and it doesnt bother me one bit. It's fun for us...it adds excitement...and we make it fun. We try to out do the porn lol.

 

I hope it never does become an issue though because I would hate to feel what these other women are feeling.

 

I wouldnt wish that feeling on my worst enemy. I'm sorry ladies I wish I had a "fix-it" stick. But I don't here's a bunny.....

[tigeress]

I don't mind porn to some degree. I guess my biggest complaint is when he spends more time looking at porn than me. Or he looks at porn than comes to me. When we do have time together it would be nice to FEEL that it is me he is wanting to be with.

 

Another issue with me is these amateur porn sites. These women and couples readily make themselves available. Promising men their fulfillment of their fantasies. This is not porn in my book but , soliciting.

 

As for my feelings, I have talked with my husband many times about them. I don't want to feel controlling and therefore I do not ask him not to look at all. Instead I ask that he make a point of remembering my feelings and choosing more appropriate times to view it. And to be sure to limit it.

 

If men would take as much time to put their imagination into the sex they have with their wives as they do into fantasising about other women, there be alot less complaining from the wives.

 

Just my 2 cents

[Butterfly_Queen]

I think if you're a single man or woman that enjoys porn and masterbating to it or whatever, then fine. However, if you're married or in a committed relationship and your spouse or s/o doesn't like it, then its not ok. Its a disrespect to the person who doesn't like it and to the relationship as a whole. The person you're involved withs feelings should come first, and if there are people who do stop looking at it after their spouse or s/o has asked them too, thats great. However, if they don't stop then thats where they have a problem.

 

 

Theres a link I'll put on here that is great! Its for people that either have a porn problem or for spouse, s/o's who are involved with someone that is. It tells all you need to know. Its also a message board. I am a member and so is my H. It doesn't replace a counselor but its a place to go and vent or find helpful info and be supportive of others who are going through it.

 

http://www.secretaddictions.com

[FolderWife]

I see some of arcadia in myself. I thought porn was cool...but too much is not cool. Also, masterbating while I'm napping sux!!!!!! Waking up at 3 a.m., and then whacking off to a movie, when I'm laying right there sux!!!!

 

There was one time that he was tired, but I wanted it, so I said, "How about when I come home for lunch tomorrow? He agreed.

 

When I came home for lunch, he was completely uninterested. I thought I could make him wanted it, and started fooling around with him, and he yelled, "I SAID WE COULD DO IT LATER!"

 

I was so ready for it! It was all I thought about all morning! So of course, I went straight to the computer, and saw that he'd looked at porn for an hour and a half about 30 minutes after I had left for work that morning So the reason he wanted to do it "later" was because he'd already satisfied himself. He snapped, "Find what you're looking for?" I said, "Yes," and went back to work.

 

If I want sex now, though, I don't have to wait Good RIDANCE to porn.

[arcadia]

i just checked out the link someone posted above, and found this wonderful quote from a guy on the forums. Even though i dont think porn is wrong, i think many of the guys who have partners that do think it is wrong should read this:

 

 

 

"Come on guys lets be honest with ourselves here for a second. Lets turn the tables (yeah ok). Lets say that you hate porn for some reason. Lets say you know it's what caused your parents divorce 15 yrs ago. You become involved with a beautiful woman. You fall madly in love with her and eventually move in together. Slowly you start to find evidence that she's secretly looking at magizines that picture very good looking men with very large tools engaged in sex acts with average girls (please don't fantasize about this guys). How would that make you feel? Remember that you hate and detest porn. Then you find that she's always going out on Tuesday evenings with her friends. You find out later that she's been going to male strip clubs. While messing around on the computer you come accross e-mails from a stranger you don't know. Attached to it is a picture of this guy naked, and he's hung like a horse. Feeling pretty ****ty yet? Now you confront her on the matter and she tells you that it's just all fun. But you haven't made love to your partner for two months now after countless attempts. Then the phone bill comes and you notice she's been making calls to an unknown number. About then you discover a vibrator in her night table, along side numerous pictures of naked men.

 

Now any man that detested porn and saw his partner acting in this manner would likely be calling her a whore and a variety of other names and would likely be out the door in a flash.

 

THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO THOSE WOMEN THAT SHOULD BE DEAR TO YOUR HEARTS GUYS!!!!

 

Wake up and see the light. "

[FolderWife]

While I don't equate looking at porn with talking with guys online, or going to strip clubs *definately deal breakers* I do think that men should step back, and look at it from our pov....

[Butterfly_Queen]

arcadia, I see you clicked the link I provided. Its a great place that has helpful info on the porn topic. I think the quote you got from there must have been, "Can't see your partners side, then read this." Hopefully people that are struggling with this issue will click the link and and find some answers, and support.

[clarification]

Originally posted by Monday

Good post Hokey.

 

...Mind you if I ever get married again, porn will be the FIRST thing discussed after discussing marriage...

 

 

Gotta love those who are thinking of re-marrying while still in a relationship {detect sarcasm...NOW}

 

~clairification~

[Azeele]

Originally posted by tigeress

 

If men would take as much time to put their imagination into the sex they have with their wives as they do into fantasising about other women, there be a lot less complaining from the wives.

 

 

 

Yes! That's exactly how I feel. I don't mind his looking at porn - BUT - when it cuts into our time together or when I feel like I'm not getting enough sexual attention from him, then it hurts my feelings for him to be looking at porn. So, it's not porn that bothers me - it's porn instead of me that upsets me. I tried to put it into perspective for him by asking him to put himself in my shoes. What if I was telling him "I'm too tired" and pushing him away - and then less than 24 hours later looking at pictures of hot-looking men? He still said that would be ok - uh huh - whatever I seriously doubt anyone would be ok with that.

 

If I went away for a week long trip I would hardly be upset with his looking at porn while I'm gone - but I would expect him to jump me when I got home. Or if his libido was higher than mine and I was continually pushing him away - ok, fine. But when I'm ready, willing, and able to make love to him and he turns me away to be with airbrushed playboy models - ugh - I hate that.

 

Another thing I dislike about porn is when it involves fetishes that involve the degradation of women or turning young girls into sex objects. Ok, porn in general objectifies women and that bothers me but when the participants are grown women that know what they are doing, that's acceptable. Teen porn and women dressed up like little girls and rape porn, and certain types of BDSM (among others) make me sick, frankly. I haven't found anything like that in my H's collection (so far) and if I did that would certainly be a huge turn-off for me and I would be upset by it.