pixy25 Posted July 26, 2004 Share Posted July 26, 2004 I am in a very complicated and confusing situation. I have been with my significant other (now my fiancé for 1.5 years) for almost 6 years now. We met young in college and he has been my one love thus far. I am now 26 years old. We have been through quite a bit over the years, both good and bad, and have had several ups and downs in our relationship. I wouldn’t say that things have been easy for us the past few years, however, something has kept us going together. We do love each other very much but have our issues to be worked out. The major issue is that up until about one year ago I never really questioned my partner being “the one”. That is until I met another man through work and over time our friendship has grown into something more (emotionally) and the chemistry between us is dynamic. He is a great man and had I been single we may very well have ended up together. Recently, this man told me how he felt for me and that he felt that telling me was something he had to do although he is not happy about the situation (the fact that I am engaged and he does not want to ruin anything). Since then my world has turned upside down. I no longer know what I want and feel torn between the two of them. I am confused and feel sick thinking about the situation itself. Where do I start figuring out what to do? I can’t even think straight and the thoughts of breaking up my relationship make me sick, however, I don’t think I am completely happy with him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated… Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted July 26, 2004 Share Posted July 26, 2004 What are your feelings now towards your fiance? Have you fallen into the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" trap? Or are you still in love with your fiance? If you're still in love with him, then in my opinion you will have to give up your new friend. His presence in your life, IMHO, is dangerous to your relationship with your fiance, especially since it sounds as though you are moving towards (though haven't yet reached) emotional infidelity. It would be difficult, I expect you'd agree, to "undo" your feelings for the new guy and slot him into the "just friends" category. If that's the case, then you must probably phase him out of your life. If you're no longer in love with your fiance, then you have no business marrying him (at least not now), and the choice should be much simpler. You will need to have a frank discussion with him about your feelings. You will hurt him by doing this, but you won't have done anything wrong -- you can't help the way you feel. Then you will have to consider whether or not to end things with your fiance, or break contact with your new friend and recommit to falling in love again with your fiance. Whatever you do, DO NOT marry your fiance in the belief that doing so will resolve the situation. It will not. It will make it much harder to resolve. It doesn't sound to me like you've done anything wrong yet. But many before you have been in your situation and had things go wrong and done things they shouldn't have. Recognize the dangerous spot you're in right now and plan your actions accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pixy25 Posted July 26, 2004 Author Share Posted July 26, 2004 Thanks for your response. The problem is that I cannot distinguish clearly whether I love him or am in love with him. I certainly love him but am not certain that I am in love with him. There are days when I feel I am and there are days when I feel a certain numbness towards him. I think I have started to cross the emotional infidelity line with this other person and thus feel guilty as a result. I know it is not fair to my fiancé and that things cannot continue this way. I just don’t know how to proceed… Link to post Share on other sites
nyr_fan Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 Pixy...let me give you a little advice. There is "romantic" love, and there is "mature" love. Romantic love is that feeling you get when you first get to know someone or start dating them. Its that great new feeling you get inside that blocks out everything else in your life. This feeling dosen't last. Mature love is real love that evolves with someone over time. Always being there through thick and thin. Relying on eachother. Sharing things. Coming home to everyday. Companionship. Etc. Dont ruin your current relationship over some fantasy feelings, like my wife did to me. Because in the long run, you will regret it. My wife did this to me recently, and I cant wait for the day she realizes how she messed up the best thing she ever had. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 Just because you have a fiance or even husband, it doesn't mean that you will never meet other people you will like or even be very attracted to. I don't think that fate tells all the rest of the people in the world to stay away from you once you have a commitment. If that was the case, there would be no affairs. Relationships need commitment - that means that even when you find somebody that you like and think you maybe like better, you don't leave your committed relationship. Anyway, if you do, you take a big chance because lots of people seem to be wonderful at the beginning. Then you know them better and see stuff you don't like. You have to pick a person you think is wonderful and then stick with that person. It's like buying a car or a house or some clothes - there will always be new ones coming along but you just can't keep throwing away what you have for something new. At some point you make a choice - and try to make a very good choice - and then you stick with it. Link to post Share on other sites
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