I need some guidance. (Community College student)

[rdb]

Hello LoveShack,

 

I am here because, like the title says, I need some guidance.

 

Here's a good idea of where I'm at right now

-I turn 20 in October

-I will be graduating my CC in the spring, transferring to a 4 year in the fall

-I am taking 19 credit hours at a community college

-I volunteer once a week-ish giving tours to school groups of a local historical site

-I go to a gym 2x a week and 1x on the weekend. I don't have a car so with the commuting times it's the best I can do right now.

-Although community colleges do not have many extra curriculars, I am involved with one on-campus group as well as an online based organization organized by the school.

-I had a prior battle with depression but that has cleared up.

 

My issue is that I really can't seem to find a girl. I've been lead on and made a fool of by one who had a boyfriend (She kept a cheesy "get well soon" card I made her in spanish in her binder cover, we flirted pretty hardcore for a while, she referred to her bf as her "roommate" when we were making plans to 'hang out' the way young people do, but when I wanted to ask her on an honest date it turned out he was her "very serious boyfriend" who she now mentions all the time in a new class we share together). Another girl had a drug problem and her idea of bonding was asking if I wanted to try coke with her. I'm talking to one right now who is a bit older than me, but I think we would probably be mutually using each other; as a lot of her core beliefs that she has expressed to me when we talk do not seem compatible with mine, while she doesn't really know anyone in this area. All in all, I haven't found anyone in any of my classes or other places that I am really interested in.

 

I've tried clubbing. I've tried parties. Those are good for hook ups not anything serious. I even made an OkStupid Profile but that was only good for meeting girls who were 45 pounds heavier/generally looked nothing like the the profile pictures or who liked to talk about her one pet sea monkey Rufus/people lighting their faces on fire at a New Years party/her dog that she considers her baby...literally. I also can't forget the one who showed up with a hickie on her boob that she got the night before at a party she went to! I went out with 7 of them (some multiple times. Bought all of them dinner or lunch at least once. Took 2 to movies. 1 to a walk in the park.) before I gave up on that. I don't claim to have seen it all, but I've seen a lot these past few months.

 

What should I do now? This is strictly regarding finding a girl. I'm pretty happy alone but am out of ideas as to how to even get into a position to find someone to date. I have everything else in order, although suggestions on ways to better myself are always appreciated.

Edited September 28, 2012 by rdb
Further clarification.

[rdb]

No one has anything constructive to offer me?

[chocolatecupcake]

I always come up with something, let me read before I work my magic in my head Just a moment.

[chocolatecupcake]

Okay,

 

So you can call me chcolatecupcake, and Im here to tell you that you have been partially setting yourself up for failure here. Let me tell you that this is not entirely their fault that theyre (And I mean every single one of them appears to be) complete LOSERS from the net, I mean of course youre going to find them on those cheesy dating sites!..But you seem to want to attract them every time. A word about these online dating sites: people end up with the wrong kind of people, even people who arent who they claim to be. Youve done the clubbing thing.. and you are ABSOLUTELY right about the women you find there. Rarely are they seeking someone out to be in a serious relationship with, right? haha Like, it doesnt even happen. So youve done the party thing.. Have you ever looked twice at the ones who work at your local coffee shop or who live down the street or the ones who work at this or that restaurant in town if not one of the "less noticable" girls who attend your school and take your classes, who have been kind to you and havent offere you drugs but some help with schoolwork one time or something? Heres where Im trying to get at, maybe youve gotten alittle desperate during your soulmate search that everyone else isnt getting noticed, the ones that SHOULD be noticed. Got any quiet, geeky musicians in your grade that you think would treat you with kindness, loyalty and respect in a relationship and not some druggie badass rebel who would bring you down and flush your life down the tubes for you? You dont need someone like that. Whatever happens, dont look on the internet. Its a scary place, full of scary people. If everyones turning you down, remember to try not to resort to the internet....If all else fails, dont become frustrated. Youre still so young, as am I (im single too, and im ready to settle down like you and Im not complaining!)...you need to change your outlook on your situation. You have still so much time ahead of you, and you sound like a bright, sweet individual whos got alot going for him.

Edited October 3, 2012 by chocolatecupcake

[rdb]

Okay,

 

So you can call me chcolatecupcake, and Im here to tell you that you have been partially setting yourself up for failure here. Let me tell you that this is not entirely their fault that theyre (And I mean every single one of them appears to be) complete LOSERS from the net, I mean of course youre going to find them on those cheesy dating sites!..But you seem to want to attract them every time. A word about these online dating sites: people end up with the wrong kind of people, even people who arent who they claim to be. Youve done the clubbing thing.. and you are ABSOLUTELY right about the women you find there. Rarely are they seeking someone out to be in a serious relationship with, right? haha Like, it doesnt even happen. So youve done the party thing.. Have you ever looked twice at the ones who work at your local coffee shop or who live down the street or the ones who work at this or that restaurant in town if not one of the "less noticable" girls who attend your school and take your classes, who have been kind to you and havent offere you drugs but some help with schoolwork one time or something? Heres where Im trying to get at, maybe youve gotten alittle desperate during your soulmate search that everyone else isnt getting noticed, the ones that SHOULD be noticed. Got any quiet, geeky musicians in your grade that you think would treat you with kindness, loyalty and respect in a relationship and not some druggie badass rebel who would bring you down and flush your life down the tubes for you? You dont need someone like that. Whatever happens, dont look on the internet. Its a scary place, full of scary people. If everyones turning you down, remember to try not to resort to the internet....If all else fails, dont become frustrated. Youre still so young, as am I (im single too, and im ready to settle down like you and Im not complaining!)...you need to change your outlook on your situation. You have still so much time ahead of you, and you sound like a bright, sweet individual whos got alot going for him.

 

Thanks for the reply and the kind words.

 

To be honest, I have done all those things to some extent. I prefer low-key girls. Those are the types I go for and actively look out for. I frequent a couple coffee places weekly. Not looking for girls, simply to get some coffee and read a book. Can't say I've ever noticed anyone, but that's partially because I'm not really looking but also because when I have looked up I never really saw anyone. Maybe I will start being a little bit more alert. The problem with community college classes is that the age range is totally scattered. In a lot of my classes the medium age group is mid-twenties. It's very slim pickings. I've done my best to put myself out socially, but the nature of c.c's is very anti-social: you go in, go to class, then everyone leaves to go to work. Not much of a campus life because that is not the reason for anyone being there. No one my age lives in my neighborhood either. I have met a lot of waitresses in my c.c classes and they all tell me the same thing; they'll flirt with me to get a better tip. That's about it. So, no, I don't think I'll be trying my luck at Applebees ordering-waters-and-making-jokes-to-impress-the-help anytime soon. I assure you that no matter what, I'm not going back to the internet. That's just not happening.

 

I'm not really trying to complain though. It's more of frustrated brain storming/trying to find creative solutions. Sorry if this sounded a bit too much like me whining.

[chocolatecupcake]

And I completely understand that. Here are your options.

• you put yourself out there in places outside of school since it seems just about impossible to interact with anyone, right? Since its like a get in and learn and then get out kind of thing, or so you described it to me as such a place..
  
• i had a few days to consider the advantages of searching for a match online (i know, i went there)..and there are some.. It can be a great tool for finding people, if not crazy creepers who want to get with someone for free sex or something...but the small percentage of people who are JUST LIKE YOU who are perhaps too busy with their lives to look for someone, so they had to resort to making online profiles DO EXIST, of course..Or the ones who dont have any interest in the people in their area for any reason..so they look online.. Yeah, theyre out there. Infact, I know a friend of my mothers was busy wih work and school and she decided to look for her match online because her life sched was too hectic and she couldnt make time to put herself out there ..and it worked! So as much as I was preaching before about how searching the interent for a mate shouldnt even make the list of options.. Its there, its not the best thing to do of course, there are risks that you take when you expose yourself to people you hardly know who can claim to be other things theyre not... But there IS that other side of online match making that CAN BE actually beneficial, and cool . You just have to be careful. Besides, in your case... It might just have to be that last resort. Sorry to say. God, Im doing my best to help you out here. Please tell me what you think of my ideas.
  

 

 

 

Thanks for the reply and the kind words.

 

To be honest, I have done all those things to some extent. I prefer low-key girls. Those are the types I go for and actively look out for. I frequent a couple coffee places weekly. Not looking for girls, simply to get some coffee and read a book. Can't say I've ever noticed anyone, but that's partially because I'm not really looking but also because when I have looked up I never really saw anyone. Maybe I will start being a little bit more alert. The problem with community college classes is that the age range is totally scattered. In a lot of my classes the medium age group is mid-twenties. It's very slim pickings. I've done my best to put myself out socially, but the nature of c.c's is very anti-social: you go in, go to class, then everyone leaves to go to work. Not much of a campus life because that is not the reason for anyone being there. No one my age lives in my neighborhood either. I have met a lot of waitresses in my c.c classes and they all tell me the same thing; they'll flirt with me to get a better tip. That's about it. So, no, I don't think I'll be trying my luck at Applebees ordering-waters-and-making-jokes-to-impress-the-help anytime soon. I assure you that no matter what, I'm not going back to the internet. That's just not happening.

 

I'm not really trying to complain though. It's more of frustrated brain storming/trying to find creative solutions. Sorry if this sounded a bit too much like me whining.

[River Rain]

I don't think the internet is all that bad for meeting people, it's become such an integral part of our lives now. You just have to be cautious. When people have time and software, they will show themselves in their best light, that's for sure. But I've met two very good people through various forums on the internet and they have become great friends of mine.

 

I'm on a dating site too, it's like real life, you never know if it'll work out, but it's good experience if nothing else.

 

For me though, when I go back to university this winter, I'm going to be as friendly as possible in class, in the cafeteria, library, coffee shops....if I see a guy who I find attractive, I'm going to give him a smile or say hello or make small talk. I'll avoid the bars, parties and anywhere that seems to be a meat market, because that's not what I want to attract at all. Lots of universities have clubs and associations too, you might look into the ones that interest you so you'll have things in common with people.

 

Hope my suggestions help.

[january2011]

I suggest trying meetup groups that are interest-focused as opposed to the singles meetup groups. Start out by going regularly to one or two popular meetup groups. Get to know the organiser(s) and other regulars. Become a familiar face. Make friends of both genders and start socialising with them outside of the meetup group(s). If mutual attraction is confirmed, then make a move.

 

Expanding your circle of friends will put you in touch with friends of friends, ad infinitum.

 

Unless it is a singles group, try not to "approach" during a meetup or even immediately after. That is frowned upon by some groups and organisers because they get complaints from members who say that they're being harassed. It's a fine line.

[chocolatecupcake]

Right, River. He just needs to be careful is all.

[River Rain]

Right, River. He just needs to be careful is all.

 

Definitely. I was too naive and got burned, but that was my own fault. I think there are decent people out there though. Look at us right? ;-)

[River Rain]

I suggest trying meetup groups that are interest-focused as opposed to the singles meetup groups. Start out by going regularly to one or two popular meetup groups. Get to know the organiser(s) and other regulars. Become a familiar face. Make friends of both genders and start socialising with them outside of the meetup group(s). If mutual attraction is confirmed, then make a move.

 

Expanding your circle of friends will put you in touch with friends of friends, ad infinitum.

 

Unless it is a singles group, try not to "approach" during a meetup or even immediately after. That is frowned upon by some groups and organisers because they get complaints from members who say that they're being harassed. It's a fine line.

 

I think the meet-up idea is a good one too. I never actually heard of this until recently. When I did some checking, I found there are so many groups in my area who are meeting up doing things I really enjoy, especially the outdoor stuff. Plus like you said, you meet someone, they might know someone etc...it's all about getting out there and taking some risks/effort to meet people and not giving up.

[chocolatecupcake]

Totally!! Beautiful conclusion *high fives River*

[rdb]

Thanks everybody.

I'm going to see if I can find a meetup group that I have time for. My schedule is already pretty packed but that sounds like fun. Even if it doesn't lead to a romantic entanglement. If I find one, it'll be for the events not the people. Although that will be an added bonus if I did meet someone. It's a good idea though!

 

I don't think I'm going to give the online thing another go for at least a little while. Maybe if nothing goes my way by the time I finish exams it'll serve as good distraction for winter break. I'm just highly skeptical of it; what I've said is basically a scrape of the surface of the types I met through it. I know I haven't seen them all, as the two people in this thread who are on them both seem very nice, but I think I've seen all I need to for now.