What to do, 5 year bf has dwindled down to FWB.

[Sarah76567]

I'm in a difficult spot here. What should I do? Were both 22 years old. We've been together almost 6 years now (since we were 17). I really do love him. We've gone through a lot together but the last couple of years have proved more difficult. We basically only see each other once or twice a week, usually on his days off. I work full days and he works mostly nights, we have different shifts. When were together were like old pals and get along good eexcept for the odd argument. We maybe talk on the phone twice a week too. We were each others first though. We maybe have sex once every 4 or 6 weeks now. I fear were growing apart but neither one of us want to let go.

 

Mean while I met a wonderful guy 9 months ago. I'm attracted to him and he is to me. In fact he's asked me out on a date more than once. He and I on the other hand share many common interessts than I do with my boyfriend. Because of what I do for work, this new fella and I see each other about as mucch as I see my boyfriend. This guys around quite a bit. Could easily be more but once he found I I have a boyfriend, he's beeen very respectful to me. We've kept things completly professional but end up talking on the phone once or twice a week (because of what we do) anyways.

 

It seems that my relationship with my boyfriend has dwindled down. I never knew what friends with benefits were until I read it on this site. It looks like thats all my boyfrieend and I are now. Mean while this other fello is wonderful, he's anxious to helpme and does things for me all the time.

 

I'm very confused...

 

What should I do????

[StartingAgain]

Let's clear some of your confusion. Shall we? You and your boyfriend's relationship has run it's course. You were teenaged sweethearts and now you are becoming adults. Teenaged love affairs almost inveriably end while in college or shortly thereafter. It's natural for peple to grow apart as they grow up.

 

No doubt you love the man you first gave yourself to and will always have special feelings for him. But that doesn't mean that the two of you aren't ready to move on to other people. In my opinion, you should do just that. Already, the two of you aren't investing much into the relationship and probably hang on only because of the history. You can go your separate ways and still remain friends for life. It's up to you.

[Craig]

I find it *very* suspicious that this other fellow is wonderful, anxious to help you and does things for you all the time. This other fellow is not respecting your current relationship and is thinking about one thing only.

 

Where in the definition of "wonderful guy" does it say "he will ask women who are in long term relationships out on dates and when that doesn't work he'll just hang around being there for them, doing things for them and helping them until they either leave their significant other for him or have an affair"?

 

Decide what you want to do with your current relationship. You have challenging work schedules and so it's difficult to see each other more often than you do. Do you and your current BF want more than FWB? Ask him. It's time to talk with your BF and figure out what both of you want from the relationship. You say that when you are with your BF you are like old pals etc. It sounds like your current relationship could use a bit of spicing up and there are lots of good ideas in LS. I'd recommend finding a good book that talks about the different stages of relationships and see where you and your BF are right now.

 

Of course you think that you and this new fellow have more common interests than you do with your boyfriend. If you aren't both putting forth your best act to each other then one of you certainly is. Do you think that he does things for other people and helps other people like he does for you?

 

Okay, okay I can hear you possibly saying "but this is different."

 

Lets say you either leave your BF for this new guy or have an affair with the new guy then leave your BF to be with the new guy. New guy gets laid but also knows or will start thinking that you are the kind of girl that will leave a relationship for a new one or that you are a girl that will have an affair on him too. Ouch!! And so he dumps you or has an affair on you before you have one on him.

 

I don't think you should leave your BF for the new fellow. If you choose to leave your BF you should be single for a while before you start any new relationship.

[Sarah76567]

I wont do anything with anyone maybe for almost a year, I don't know. Maybe more if I don't open up to anyone one. I wont do anything with anyone unless I love them. This other fellow is just becomming good friends.

 

He asked me out over six months ago. He backed off any advances since I told him no (because I'm involved). We do bond good together though. I'm his instructor in a program we work on together. So we do see each other quite a bit. He knows it would take me time and is respectful to me.

 

What do others do in this situation? I'm all confused and have never delt with this before.

[StartingAgain]

Great point, Craig. Sarah, Craig is absolutely correct.

[Mr Spock]

He did back off when she said "No" and that she was involved, but it's hard to shut off the attraction. Since it seems your current BF is about as useful to you as tits on a bull I suggest mentioning that you feel things are dying down and you want to see other people.

[Sarah76567]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

I suggest mentioning that you feel things are dying down and you want to see other people.

 

I'm not sure if we both are hanging onto the past or what. I'm so confused. I've talked this over with my mother and as much as she likes my BF, she agrees this other guy is great. Honestly, both of my parents like him a great deal.

 

Do you think I should give things more time? Time should tell right? Nobody is in a huge rush or anything.

 

I've only experienced sharing time with my BF, but he doesn't seem to appreciate things and takes things for granted because everything to him has always been smooth sailing.

 

I don't know

[StartingAgain]

No, you do not continue seeing this other man until you make a decision about your BF. If you do, you are doing something that guys often do to women that is wrong, wrong, wrong: lining up another honey before you dump your current one. It's just another form of cheating.

 

How would your parents even know this other man. Surely you didn't take him to meet them?

 

Question, what is time going to accomplish? I hear this from women all the time -- "I need time." My ex kept saying this as I was despereately trying to save our marriage. Our marital thereapist finally told her that time would accomplish nothing, since whe wasn't using it constructively. It takes action to resolve problems.

 

You need to tell this other man that you will not be associating with him for awhile and make a desicion about whether or not you want to continue in your relationship with your BF. If you decide to end it, you are going to need some time to work through the loss of so long a relationship before you are ready to enter another. If you new guy is as great as you say he is, he will be willing to give you the space you need.

[Sarah76567]

Startingagain

 

Thank you for your input here. I'm trying very hard to figure this out. Just to make some things clear. I'm not "seeing" this other man at all! Our paths cross pretty often because of activities were both very involved with. Like I said we share similar interests. Im actually his instructor in a program we do. So it isn't practicle for me not to see him. Were good friends only at this point! He has kept his distance and has shown me a lot of respect. To me and my BF. Is there an attraction? Yes! Do we act on anything? No! He asked me out 6 months ago, he hasn't brought it up since. I think if he wass looking for something else (only sex), he would have moved on by now. Instead, he's genuinely thoughtful and helpful with many things.

 

My BF shares none of these interests with me. The things I'm involed with demand a lot of my time. I can't do a lot of these activites on my own out of safety. So I bring my mom along sometimes to help (if she's available, if not, I don't go. the odd time I'll drag my BF along and it's never enjoyable). So, yes over time both of my parents have met him.

 

I didn't realise just how much things have dwindled between us until recently. Things have been hard for the past two years though. The things my BF and I share now is a history and on occasion some sex. Very little time or effort is shareed between us (being honest). Even sex doen't happen often since I now live with my parents again (finished my undergrad) and we work different shifts. I'm returning to school for my grad degree, but will be staying at home this time with my parents for this as its from a different school close by.

 

I do love my BF and I'm not one to evver give up, so this is why I;m confused. AT what point should someone let go? We've been together almost 6 years. I fear we mimic the definition of FWB that i've read on this site now.

[StartingAgain]

Oh, OK, I think I get it. You work with this fellow and you share common interests, so you run into one another at various places, but you don't go do these things with him. Is that right.

 

I read in your posts that you seem to be trying to justify to yourself ending the relationship with your BF. I think you need only one justification: that the relationship has degraded into something that you don't care to have. A WB relationship is mutually agreed upon in advance and has boundries. I have an FWB and we understand that at some point we will meet someone we want to be with and will end the sexual part of our relationship. It can work, though we've had a couple of rough spots to work through. But you were in a completely different kind of relationship to begin with and it doesn't sound like you are interested in just being your BF's old shoe and steady (but occasional) sex partner.

 

So what are you going to do?

[Sarah76567]

Thats why I figurre time might help here. I don't know what to do. I wont cheat on my BF. I have no desire to.

 

At this point I'm at a loss as to what to do. Actually I'm not exactly the easiest to get along with either. I keep thinking things will improve.

[StartingAgain]

Don't worry now about what to do. To do means to take action and you can't take action until you know what you want.

 

So answer these questions:

 

1. In regard to your present BF, what do you want/need from him?

2. Will things improve all by themselves?

3. Will time alone take care of the probmem? (hint: the answer is no)

 

Once you've answered these questions, what to do about it will become clear.

[TempSain]

Sounds like you and your BF have matured out of a relationship.

I think the fact that you 2 started early has alot to do with it.

Back then you dated for simple reasons. I am sure both of you have wondered about dating other people.

5 years is a long time.

If you are ready, end your relationship with your BF and move on.

You can date the new guy if you like but your relationship seems to be pretty much over by what you have described.

 

I am not trying to be mean or break up your relationship. I just have been there before and done that and see your relationship this way.

[doppelganger]

OH MY GOD!?!?! You ARE my ex girlfriend... At least, this is what she would be saying if she were posting to these boards. If i were reading this when me and my ex were breaking up, i would think you were her posting this... anyways, here goes...

 

Me and my ex were in EXACTLY the same situation as you (except for the amount of time you two were going out). Down to even the night-shift/day-shift situation. ie: We started going out young (19 at the time) and this lasted for almost 5 years (broke up at 23, so you guys are about the same age as we were when we dealt with this). The last year was the more difficult year because we didn't see each other as much as I went to night shift while she got a day shift position (freakish similarity, no?). Slowly was growing apart. Intimacy went down like you (even lesser frequency than you). Another guy appeared (sister's friend). I could tell he liked her. Looking back, I could see the attraction she had for him because he was, and i'll use your terms, a 'wonderful guy' who she 'shares many common interest with'- she would actually say those kind of things under the guise of friendship with him. Long story short: She was 'just' 'hanging out' with a 'friend,' while being romantically attracted to hiim. We broke up. He is now the new boyfriend two weeks post breakup. 'Just a friend,' huh.

 

Since my situation essentially mirrors what you are going through now, I need to input my brains on this. I feel i'm a bit wiser regarding relationships since my ex and i broke up, so bear in mind i'm not blasting you for being in the same shoes as my ex, but i do want whats best for you and your current BF. I'm feeling this will be a long long post...

 

First off, you need to answer this question:

Are you willing to give your relationship with current BF a chance to become something better?

 

At this point I'm at a loss as to what to do... I keep thinking things will improve

You can't just think it will get better. Or hope it does. If you want to give the relationship a chance, you have to do something about it for it to get better. You have to discuss it with your BF. Not with your parents or friends or LS to fix the relationship. You get advice from them, and then you fix it with him. You don't confide to others and then hope the problems go away. Here's an easy way to think of it. How do you get a fitter leaner body when you don't have one now? Do you hope that it happens one day, some day? Or do you get to the gym and work your way to that better body? Make sense. How do you expect things to get better in the relationship if you say nothing? How does your current BF know what to do to fix your problems with the relationship when he doesn't know what's wrong or what's really important to you in the relationship? Convey this message clearly to him. Then you can start to work on what needs to be fixed, for you and him.

 

If you want your relationship to improve, you have to do something about it. Tell him what's been going on, what you've been thinking, etc. tell him about the attraction to the other guy. The truth. And you need to take steps too. As in, no more hanging out with new guy. You tell new guy you're trying to work things out with your BF and that means you gonna back away from new guy (does he know about your troubles with the BF? talking to new guy about the problems you and BF is such a red flag). If he truly is a decent guy, he will understand and back off. And i don't just mean no asking out on dates. that means leave you alone back off (and not just because he wants to hook up with you later, although he may back off because of that). No more non-work related phone calls. Sure you need to converse about work, but when the topic changes to non-work related, you say 'i'm sorry, i think we need to stay on track here...' I don't think everything is completely professional if your interest level in him climbed to a point where you are now questioning your current relationship. By doing this, you'll be reassuring current BF that you mean business when you say you want to work it out, because he no doubt will be upset to find out you've been developing feelings for another. A counsellor might be a good way to go. You're young and maybe you think WTF? counsellor? but hey, when my ex and i were breaking up, i was the one to ask if she wanted to try that with me to make it work. Of course, her romantic interest in me was nonexistent anymore, and her commitment to me to try to work this out wasn't strong enough to overcome her romantic interest towards other guy.

 

BUT, i agree with TempSain. Your relationship sounds over to me. Just as over as mine was with my ex. Not to be harsh, but sounds like that to me. You say you're not one to ever give up... Don't stay in a relationship you're not trying to make better just because you don't give up on things. Sometimes its time to move one. You've both matured. And i have a feeling you want different things than your BF can offer. Things that you see in the new guy.

 

Let me preface this by saying, if he's dangerous and you fear for your safety if you break up with him, please get some outside help before you do anything...

Anyways, this is what i wish someone would have told my ex on how to deal with our break up... If you break up, you should tell him everything. And i mean all of it. Don't try to spare his feelings. Believe me, it hurts more to be wondering what she's hiding and not telling me. You've been with each other for 5 years so I'm pretty sure he can read you pretty well. The split second silence or hesitation in your voice will say if you're hiding something or trying to nice things up for the sake of sparing him his feelings. No lies. None of these partial truths. And none of these lies of omission (don't think if you don't say it, its not a lie). Lies of omission still hurt the guy. When the guy finds out you 'forgot' to tell him something or just blatantly didn't tell him because you were trying to spare his feelings, its just as bad, only on top of it, you lied and it would seem like you didn't respect him enough to be truthful (even if you DO truly not want to hurt him). Telling him the truth will have him respecting you. And if you ever want to one day be friends again, you need this respect.

 

If there is no chance, please make this clear. Do not give him false hope when there is none. That is the worst, most selfish, thing you can do. Not only will it prevent him from moving on, but it will prevent him from moving on. The sooner he realizes there is no chance in getting back together, the sooner he can move on and find someone else. The past two years its been going downhill? Then the past two years are wasted time for him and you to find that next person that fulfills you beyond your wildest dreams.

 

Remember, don't think that wanting to break it off with current BF makes you a bad person. I think thinking this hinders some people from ending relationships when the time comes and instead, drags it out and wasting everybody's time in the process. And hurting people more and more in the process. Six months before me and my ex broke up i wasn't thinking about marrying her. It just didn't really enter my mind yet. Just got out of school, Started first real jobs, etc. But a few months prior to breakup, i think things are going fine and dandy... good job, making real money and am thinking i'm gonna marry this girl. Gonna get a ring and propose... i was so high, it was even more so of a fall when we broke up. Break up with me six months earlier, it would have been a bit more easier since i didn't hit that point where i realized i wanted to marry her. It was more of a fall for me than it was for her, especially since she was thinking about this over the last year together and said nothing hoping it would get better. Don't feel guilty about this. It happens. You fall out of love. Remember, the sooner he can move on, the better. Same goes for you. When its over, its over. But only you can decide that. Just make sure its sooner rather than later. Its just gonna hurt more if you wait...

 

Hope some of this can be of help to you. Having been there from your BF's point of view...

My $0.02

[Sarah76567]

Wow, thanks for the insights doppelganger! A couple of questions for you if its possible.

 

1>You make suggestions to make things easier in order for us to remain as friends afterwards if we weent down that road. Are you two still friends? What sort of communication did you two keep with each other after your breakup? Is it healthy?

 

2>How long has it been since your breakup?

 

3>Isn't two weeks a little umm I don't know, short?

 

It sounds like you were pretty hurt. I'm sorry to hear that. I have to do some thinking for sure. I realise that we have our own goals. But I still love him. I don't see us together for ever (being realistic). I don't forsee opening up to anyone anytime soon either, even as much as I may feel an attraction towards someone else.

[doppelganger]

Sara76567, long post here...

 

To answer your questions,

 

My breakup with my ex was in may of '03. So its been a little over a year. And yes, two weeks is a bit short. Well, to be fair, i guess it was more like two and a half weeks after breakup that ex and new bf became an item (officially).

 

Anyways, here's the answer to the question about our communication. And regarding the question 'is it healthy?' I'm not sure what you're asking when you say that. Could you please clarify this a bit?

 

Me and my ex are not friends anymore. Had she been truthful about things, i think we could have been friends after breaking up. I think she had been talking about things going downhill to her friend for a while before we broke up, hoping that the relationship would somehow, miraculously, with no effort at all, get better (sorry, but i believe that a relationship should be worked on when problems arise). Let me explain a bit more of what was going on so you get a better idea of where i'm coming from.

 

Not once did she say [to me] that she thought we were going downhill or that there were things that needed to be worked on in the relationship. It never came up that her interest level in me was dropping or that we needed to do something to fix it Again, minor issues aside, i thought everything was going great. During the breakup, she gave me all these reasons (problems with me) for the breakup. These were fixable (not relationship-ending) 'problems' mind you. For example, she says that one of our incompatibilities was that I pay my bills later in the billing cycle, closer to when they are due, and she pays her bills right when she gets them. These are not joint account bills, these are our own separate bills. To me, this is ridiculous because the way i see it, my bills, my time frame. her bills, her time frame. If we are paying them together though, then we need to synch up some time frame to pay. Anyways, things like that came up. Fixable or not relevant problems. So this doesn't make sense to me. Doesn't make sense to my current GF either.

 

By making all nice nice and trying to 'spare' my feelings, she didn't help me at all. It made me think that we still had a chance. I asked her if her ex before me had any chance to get her back when they broke up, she says no chance. Then i asked if it was the same for me, that i had no chance, she said it wasn't no chance. (is that sentence worded funny?). Had she not been trying to 'spare my feelings' and tell me the truth, then i could have tried to understand when she's been going though. I only know what she's telling me here, and if its not the truth, then i don't know how to move forward with the situation.

 

When i was still calling her everyday (still in the mentality that i could get her back by 'talking it out') which went on for about 2 and a half weeks), i would ask how her day was, what she did, etc. etc. She would say she did stuff and went places with the sisters, etc. but no mention of new guy. I then ask if new guy was there when they went out and then she says yes. Remember, omission doesn't help anything. I could 'hear' the omissions in the hesitations and voice inflections when she talked (i could tell she wasn't saying things). How did that make me feel? It seemed as if she didn't respect me enough to tell me the truth. She still cares for me and what happens to me? Wants to still be friends? Our time together meant something to her and she won't forget it? These words don't mean anything if it feels she's trying to spare my feelings and say what i want to hear. [3 weeks post breakup] I finally asked her straight out if she and him were going out yet, she said yes as of a few days to a week earlier. Ok, finally something concrete i can deal with. I don't have to think about what can be fixed, what should be done could have been done to salvage the relationship, i know now its over. End of relationship. At that point was when i finally got out of the house, stopped moping, and (sorry to sound lame here) started to live again. Sorry, that just comes out so corny Before, when i wasn't working, i was at home moping or sleeping. After that , i started going out with friends more, exercising more, checking out girls , improving myself, etc. etc. (lost 10 pounds of fat, more initiative at work w/ overtime, paid off all my credit card debt, bought a new car, started saving for a house). Actually knowing it was over allowed me to move on, so please don't give the guy false hope if you decide to break up with him. It just holds him back.

 

If the other guy is what it takes to get her out of an unhappy relationship, then the other guy actually helps me out here in the sense that my time is no longer being wasted by a GF that isn't doing anything to make the relationship better. She knew it was going downhill, I didn't. Like i said, i thought everything was fine and dandy. If nothing is said, nothing changes, if nothing changes, it keeps going downhill. Maybe it sounds harsh when i say time was being wasted, but when you think about it, that's a whole year of missed opportunities (especially regarding missed chances with potential others).

 

The next time i talked to her was a couple weeks after that. I wanted to get some info from one of her coworkers about something. And then a month after that phone call she gets back to me. One of these phone calls i find out that some of the things she said was said because it was what she thought i wanted to hear. I don't know if what was said by her during the breakup was to spare my feelings or to spare hers. I am not sure if she could have admitted to herself what was going on with the relationship and the other guy. Because the truth is harsh and i think that some of the things she said was said so that she wouldn't feel so guilty about leaving for the other guy. You read it here on posts all the time. Girl cheats, then justifies it by saying the current bf doesn't blah blah blah, therefore, she's not a bad person. She's lying everyday about it and not telling the current BF because it would hurt him, etc. etc. Doesn't justify that what was done was wrong, you know what i mean. I know you didn't cheat, but thats just the first good example i can think of to explain this justifying-guilt scenario. What i'm saying is, don't lie because it's easier on you. Don't lie because you think it spares his feelings. Lying won't do him any good. Be easier for you, but it won't help him. I'm not saying it will be easier on him to hear the truth, but it will help him regardless. Kind of like constructive criticism. Might knock you down and might hurt, but you get up stronger. It'll help him out in his future relationships to know what really went wrong. And at least this way he can't fault you later for lying. you wont be resented for lying. It lends more substance to everything you say, especially the parts about still loving him and still caring for him and wanting what's best for both of you.

 

Bear in mind, there is a good chance you two will never be friends again. Deal with it. Just be sure each of you take something positive away from the relationship. If you do plan on ending it but want to maintain the friendship, realize you don't just switch from BF-GF to friends. He needs time to heal from the hurt he's about to get. While for you the relationship may have been over for a couple years, this will be the first he hears of it. You've dealt with the idea of it ending, he hasn't Remember, us guys are stupid, you may know what's going on in the relationship, but we don't. He needs the time to heal and move on before you can be friends again.

 

If you haven't fully decided on ending it and are wavering on if you should try to make it work out (you say the other guy isn't an issue and you wont go after him if you breakup so i'll take your word on that). I know it has been 2 years of what feels like going downhill, but please try this. While in breakup phase, i read this book 'make up, don't break up' by dr. bonnie eaker weil. Interesting read, but anyways. There is an exercise in there for closure. Go to your nearest bookstore and take a glance at it. It will help you decide if there is anything left for you to fix or if you should just let the relationship go. Both parties are needed to do the exercise. If nothing comes of it, it does give both of you closure. I did not do this with my ex, since well, it was pretty much over, right. So i just took the verbal part of the closure exercise and did it over the phone. Just told her to don't talk and listen. Provided me the closure i needed to help me move on even if she didn't participate in the exercise. The book is written from a womans point of view, so you may relate more than i did to it (i am not affiliated with this book in any way other than having read it).

 

hope this helps some. looking forward to your response...

[Sarah76567]

I think you answered my question about healthy communication. Whether you and her could still talk in a constructive way. Having the ability to talk now as friends and not carry any ill feelings over towards each other.

 

See, in my situation, I've never had a boyfriend before him. He is my first everything lol (like wise with him). I've never had anyone to love, hold, share feelings, ideas and experiences with nore have I/we ever had to deal with possibly ending such things with any person before. Strange huh?

 

To be honest, I'm somewhat guilty of omissions too. Not so much about any person per say or to reshape the truth to my benefit, but rather about situations regarding work because of my work. I work with animals, so yes there are some very difficult days that I wwish to NOT share or even revisit with thoughts to anyone. It's a dangerous environment sometimes. Were very open otherwise. My BF knows about this other guy (they've even met eventually). My boyfriend has sensed an attraction towards him. Heck we've even talked about it. I've been completly honest to my BF in every way.

 

A side note about my situation. We've gone through some breaks from each other in the past (time away lasting as long as 2-3 weeks) and yes we've both talked about issues, attempted to address them and continue onward. We both love each other, have talked over many problems. We've made in some cases drastic attempts to accomidate each other. So he knows theres problems, I know theres problems. Some days though it seems he doesn't like to accept that fact. Example: A day after wee had an arguement, he starts talking about some camping trip he plans to take me on "next year". Like I said, we just have a tough time thinking we may ever let go of each other.

 

I certainly appreciate your input and TIME you put into your replies. Thank you so much. My heart goes out to you for your pain. I understand what you say about sugar coating things, it makes it worst.

 

I'll have a look at the book too, thanks , like I ssaid were not sure whether to call it quits. It just seems eeasy in some ways to keep going out of comfort and convienance, but where does that lead? Right?

[doppelganger]

See, in my situation, I've never had a boyfriend before him. He is my first everything lol (like wise with him). I've never had anyone to love, hold, share feelings, ideas and experiences with nore have I/we ever had to deal with possibly ending such things with any person before. Strange huh?

Hey, one more coincidence! I didn't have any girlfriend before the ex either. She's had some before me, but anyways, its at least half a coincidence... What you say is not so strange to me. I know what you're saying. Like venturing into uncharted territories here. The possibility of ending it... your in new territory here. Don't know what to expect, what to be thinking, if you should even be thinking these things. kinda scared what if you're making the wrong decision. What if he really is right for you and if you'd be making a big mistake in doing so... yeah, there were some tough times in the relationship with me and my ex where these thoughts came to mind. In the end too, all these thoughts again. Even worse was having to go through the hurt while being in these new territories. By this time, I'm not in school anymore, so being single out of school is much different than being single in school where its easier to find stuff to do. new classes, new friends, etc. to replace the emptiness. Take a look at the book i suggest (again, not affiliated with the book in any way, so this is not an advertisement for it...), it talks about when its time to move on. Real kick in the butt for me. During the 'talking things out' period of the break when i still want to get back together, it basically said 'hey, its time to move on...' Lo and behold, the book was right. I can see that looking back now. We all have 20/20 vision in hindsight, right.

 

Well, regarding what happens with animals at work, not sure what you're talking about but if i understand it right, thats not the kind of omissions i was talking about. I was talking about lying by omissions about things regarding the relationship/seeing other people/etc. etc. Not what goes on at work (unless it impacts the relationship, know what i mean?).

 

Anyways, I got a bit more questions for you this post if you don't mind me asking....

 

I find it interesting that you've already talked about the attraction to the coworker with your bf. If i may be so nosey and ask, what was his reaction to this? How was this dealt with? Was this one of the reasons for any of the breaks in the past? So, about these breaks in the past, why did they happen and how did you two address these problems? And what do you mean by drastic attempts to accommodate each other? sounds... 'drastic' Know that if the same issues that came up before are still there, then thats something to think about...

 

One more thing i think i forgot to mention before. The night shift day shift situation. This my dear is a hard one. The pairing of a night shifter and a day shifter has its difficulties. If you have a curfew, like my ex did, even more so since i would be awake at night (even on my days off it would be hard to not be awake) and she would need to be home (still lived with her parents). The shift difference needs to be dealt with very understandably. Its about compromise here. You sometimes need to just make time for each other. Do you folks have set days off? ie: weekends off? this would make the shift differences much easier. She had weekends off in her job but I work in a hospital lab, so we do not have weekends off. We sort of rotate to get one weekend a month off, so it hard to synch up schedules.

 

I certainly appreciate your input and TIME you put into your replies. Thank you so much. My heart goes out to you for your pain. I understand what you say about sugar coating things, it makes it worst.

I appreciate your appreciation. Just hope my experience can be of help to others. And in your very similar situation...

[Sarah76567]

Some of the drastic things were with regards to our lack of time being spent with each other. We found that my employment was very hard on our relationship. So after looking at things in detail. I left my job. However, I'm still working with animals. Working with them is demanding on time. I love what I do. He doesn't like the animals at all. Its my entire world. He also changed employers, but ended up working the same hours.

 

I met this other fellow first on my old job. He started there not long before I left. Like I said before, because of what we do our paths cross. After My BF met him (some time later...I should also mention they don't dislike each other at all), My BF point blank asked me afterwards if I was attarcted to him. I told him, honestly, yes he's an attractive guy. (I was being honest with him). Neither one of us ever felt the relationship was threatoned because of this guy. If anything it would be because of our situation entirly

 

My mother knows I find him attractive and is warm and welcomming to him. She's supportive no matter what happens.

 

So even after leaving that job, this other guy and I still cross paths because of what we do, also because of the programs were involved with (I'm his instructor). We have similar careers. No he was never a factor in any of our breaks. WWe have been taking breaks long before I met this other guy. WE see eact other about as much as my BF and I do. It could easily be more as I've said before.

 

Things just seem to have gradually tappered off with the BF. WE both seem to act as if thinngs will be this way forever (pretending things are good out of convienence). I think becasue of this, we sometimes take things for granted and we both find us pasing up opportunities to spend time together since we can do that next week. WE've alsso talked about this specifically, and when we plan so hard to betogether, theres nothing spontanious about it and it becomes boring old hat again (like old pals). Almost to the point of it being a lazy uncomforatble feeling. Hard to describe. I've looked at things closely and don't feel its more of any bodies fault. I'm questioning whether I should be giving my self sexually to ANYONE that I only see so seldom though. It's been hard for two years now. We both know it.