Silly_Girl Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 It is so very hard to do. It's like watching a scene play out in front of you. In your mind you know good and well what the lead female should be doing. Heck, you can write a script for her and its perfect. Perfect! But when you're IN it, the smallest thing seems big. The big things seem enormous. And the biggest things of all seem insurmountable. There are a thousand clichés one could use, but unless the OP feels READY and ABLE to make fundamental and permanent changes, no amount of common sense will assist her to 'do the right thing'. I'm not going to list the abuse I suffered, thankfully I wasn't raped, just everything else. And it seemed too hard, way too hard to get out. The pluses and minuses thing Trinity mentioned was there. The minuses side was a mile long. The pro's for staying went: 'it's too hard to go, it's impossible, he'll never ALLOW me to be free'. Which was kind of true. So I stayed and stayed. One little thing happened and it triggered in me a reserve of strength and determination I wasn't aware of. But my family eventually stopped pleading with me and just hugged me each time because they knew whatever they said didn't affect my actions and only put distance between me and them. The OP has to know and understand a better life awaits and she can get there without permanent damage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 How can you "prematurely end" a toxic relationship?? I understand that some of you seem to be enthralled by assigning all kinds of "special" attributes to the relationship commonly called "an affair." It has its specific qualities, but, bottom line, it's just another relationship. "Breaking up is hard to do." Not only when you are breaking up with a person who has a husband or wife at home. I have some breakups under my belt. Not a single one of them was "flip-flop free." I agree that life would have been much nicer if I had been able to do "the necessary groundwork for it to be a sustainable decision," but … come on! Life really isn't like that. When we are hurting, which is usually the case when we need to end a relationship, we aren't about "necessary groundwork." If a person is unhappy and in a relationship that they know is bad for them, they need to do their best to end that. For a lot of us that means taking steps, not a fell swoop amputation. I agree. I don't get the concept that flip flopping is so bad and that the A flip flop is different from any other kind. It's fairly common (check out the Breaks and Breaking Up section) for people to break up, knowing they need to, yet still have "break up sex" or temporarily get back together etc. before they detach once and for all. It seems a lot rarer that people break up and never look back at all. When you KNOW you need to end it, it's better to take a step towards doing just that, even to get your foot wet (kind of like when I go to the pool and the more I think the water is gonna be cold and I hesitate the more I build it up...whereas when I jump in, it's cold at first then I adjust) versus staying until some imagined perfect time. Obviously in the high swing of the A, one wouldn't up and try to end it...but clearly ideas about NC and ending are at times when one is realizing it isn't suiting you and in that case, today or tomorrow, what difference does it make? It still doesn't suit you and you'll still need to do it and you'll still need to mourn the relationship and will probably still miss them and want to reach out. I've never broken up with someone and not feel like that and never was broken up with and not feel like that. I accept it as par for the course and don't see any grave trauma that will occur from it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 Adamgem, it's been a few days...you still out there? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adamgem Posted October 7, 2012 Author Share Posted October 7, 2012 Yes. Still here. All the posts are very much apprectiated. I do not think I would have been able to leave without the support. I am still getting out.... nearly there. I do not have time to post properly right now but I hope I can soon.... thank you to all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 7, 2012 Share Posted October 7, 2012 Stay strong and away from him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adamgem Posted October 8, 2012 Author Share Posted October 8, 2012 Update. I have read all the comments. I appreciate all of them more than any of you can imagine. I think with all your support I have managed to get out sooner than I would have otherwise done. I agree with all of you. In the relationship there was far more positives than negatives at this point but when I see how he has treated his ex I know what is in store for me. I decided to stay until there was one thing that was an absolute no no. That was him sleeping with her. That was my get out. I was lucky that he was not at home and in another country when that happened as I could pack and go. I did. I have picked up when he has called but he was very graceful and tried only in a very nice way to get me to come back. I have a very difficult time ahead of me but I know if I stayed I would indeed be wasting my life and eating dirt! I can not thank everybody enough for their input, experiences and support. I may have been a little paranoid about leaving but I made the move and got out. I did see him when I went to drop the car off. He did try to get me to stay but I didn't. He is not calling me nor texting me as much as he did and everything has remained very 'nice'.. I delete his number after every contact and I know this is not enough but it is a good start. The temptation to call and text is overwhelming. It is an addiction. I am addicted to the attention, the kind words and the flattery. I did not have this for a long time. I need to give this to myself. Luckly I have some very good friends and they all are encouraging me to move forward. I know I am addicted to his kindness and attention. I have to kick this habit and find a way to make myself feel good without him or any man. I have learned a lot about myself with this experience. I hope I do not lose my resolve. I know I almost did. I think it was better to leave in a civilised manner as he can easily find me through mutual friends. He tried very hard to talk me around but I wasn't having it. I think he believes I will be back in a few months. I hope I can improve my life enough in that time to resist the temptation... Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 Yes, he's nice because he thinks you'll be back. How dare you live without him? Have you taken an online test to assess if he's a sociopath? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adamgem Posted October 8, 2012 Author Share Posted October 8, 2012 Yes, he's nice because he thinks you'll be back. How dare you live without him? Have you taken an online test to assess if he's a sociopath? I've not taken an online test - I just read quite a lot and was convinced there was no need.... I know. How dare I live without him! I told him many plausable things about moving away and needing time to think and come to terms with the situation. He probably thinks I mean something else but everything I am doing is with the sole purpose of surviving as best as I can. I know I am not out of the woods yet.... but I see the light! Link to post Share on other sites
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