Truth time... stronger resolve. Getting rid of a psychopath.

[Adamgem]

I didn't like to say....

Although I did reply to someone else's posts about having an affair, with a simple "You idiot".

Difference being, he didn't think it first.

If you know you're being an idiot, and you can feel yourself beginning to think like an idiot, write, on both hands, in indelible black marker :

 

"Don't be an IDIOT!!"

 

It's a very good way of stopping yourself doing something idiotic - particularly when other people will be asking you -

 

"Why do you have 'Don't be an IDIOT!!' written across your hands...?!"

 

 

I just was an idiot and spoke to him...

[Adamgem]

I rarely pray, but I hope there's a god out there able to keep you away from this man.

 

You got away. Stay away. He'll deal with work, it's just a way to get you back. Don't talk to him anymore, that will only weaken you and give him info on your whereabouts. Don't engage and run away.

 

There is and there was no real relationship with him.

 

I need to read this over and over and over until I know it off by heart but it is late and I need to drive more tomorrow..... I know you are right and I made the big mistake of talking to him and I am weaker. I need to sleep to be strong. I will write again tomorrow and let you know if I managed to escape my weakness..... I have many mutual friends with this man and it wouldn't take him very long to find me. I keep thinking if I do things the right way - I will get out with less harm. Maybe that is foolish.

[TaraMaiden]

I just was an idiot and spoke to him...

 

You idiot.

No, really you are.

 

And I really can't see the funny side.

 

is there any point in any of us continuing to contribute to this thread?

[Adamgem]

You idiot.

No, really you are.

 

And I really can't see the funny side.

 

is there any point in any of us continuing to contribute to this thread?

 

OMG.... I see how you could have read my post. I put the smiley after your post because I thought it was funny. I was NOT being funny when I said I just spoke to him again. I was actually quite freaked out. Still am. I am trying to re focus and not let him get to me. I am very confused. I am almost out but somehow I think he should agree. He seemed to be getting there during the call but I then wonder if it is all just a game to fool me....

 

I explained that I can not see him or go back. I said I was not happy and there was no point for me to continue. He said he could understand that. He said he would make some changes. I said there was no need to meet until then. I said I didn't want him to change anything he didn't want to change as that would only cause resentment. Maybe he is starting to accept it is over. That would really be the best. I said I do not feel like sleeping with him anymore either because of the though of him cheating. I know I shouldn't have spoken to him but I also realise he is not going to let this go as easily as I had hoped.

 

I do not want to make him angry. I want him to accept and move on.... I am sorry about my poorly communicated message above. I did not check before posting.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry I was harsh - but really, YOU. HAVE. TO. STOP. even thinking of ever talking to him again.

The more you communicate with him, the more you keep something alive.

 

You MUST stop, really, you must.

It's ripping you apart.

It's an addiction - and it's the type of addiction you can only cure through Cold Turkey.

 

Up to you.

You have to get this.

[whichwayisup]

I just was an idiot and spoke to him...

 

It isn't funny. It's actually quite sad that you know all the reasons why it has to end and why you did end it, yet on some sick level, you've gone and left - Yet still hanging on.

 

EGO or addiction? Weakness or fear?

 

GO HOME. Frick the rental car. Ask your friend whom you went drinking with to take care of that issue for you.

 

Get on a flight, borrow money if you have to, and go home to your family and friends. Enough already!

[whichwayisup]

I am very confused. I am almost out but somehow I think he should agree. He seemed to be getting there during the call but I then wonder if it is all just a game to fool me....

 

Stop giving him power!! He gets no say now. It's over!

 

You cannot force someone to accept something if they don't want! Control issues happening here? Think about that. YOU made a choice. SO what if he is freaking out. That's his issue and his problem, not yours. He gets no say in how you handle this now, what you do, how you feel or think.

 

Stop explaining yourself to him. HE KNOWS!! He is screwing with you now, hoping you'll not leave. He will guilt you, play you, be mean to you, manipulate you, then pour on the big I'm sorry tears and use your weakness to his advantage!

 

It's unhealthy. STOP calling him and get on a plane, go back home.

 

Sorry that my words are harsh but you know I care and I say this because you need a mini butt kicking to push you to safe side .. Which is home, away from him!

[ThatJustHappened]

OMG.... I see how you could have read my post. I put the smiley after your post because I thought it was funny. I was NOT being funny when I said I just spoke to him again. I was actually quite freaked out. Still am. I am trying to re focus and not let him get to me. I am very confused. I am almost out but somehow I think he should agree. He seemed to be getting there during the call but I then wonder if it is all just a game to fool me....

 

I explained that I can not see him or go back. I said I was not happy and there was no point for me to continue. He said he could understand that. He said he would make some changes. I said there was no need to meet until then. I said I didn't want him to change anything he didn't want to change as that would only cause resentment. Maybe he is starting to accept it is over. That would really be the best. I said I do not feel like sleeping with him anymore either because of the though of him cheating. I know I shouldn't have spoken to him but I also realise he is not going to let this go as easily as I had hoped.

 

I do not want to make him angry. I want him to accept and move on.... I am sorry about my poorly communicated message above. I did not check before posting.

 

Why do you keep asking for advice if you're just going to ignore it?

[Minka333]

Sometimes the hardest man to wake up is the one who is pretending to be asleep.*

 

Just do this. Close your eyes. Fast-forward your life. Add another decade of heartache. Double the abuse. Triple the tears. Imagine you are staring at yourself at the mirror. Darkness surrounds you. Haggard from all the tears. Empty, old, alone and lonely. Still craving for something that is no longer there.

 

Do you want that?

 

You have the power to choose which path to take. The path to freedom or the path to a bondage of endless misery.

[veryhappy]

Why do you keep asking for advice if you're just going to ignore it?

 

She's not ignoring it, she's leaving an abusive situation and I'm actually amazed she had left. Attacking her won't help, it will just confirm that he is the only safe known place for her.

[ThatJustHappened]

She's not ignoring it, she's leaving an abusive situation and I'm actually amazed she had left. Attacking her won't help, it will just confirm that he is the only safe known place for her.

 

I wasn't attacking her. That was a genuine question.

 

OP- I apologize if that came off harsher than I meant it to. I honestly do think you should be proud of yourself for leaving this situation..I'm just wondering why you would let yourself get sucked back into it when you worked so hard to get out. He is a terrible person. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to change you phone number, email address, and any other means he has of contacting you.

[TaraMaiden]

^^This^^ works.

It's how my darling dad went from over 50 cigarettes a day to zero OVERNIGHT.

I don't know how he found the resolve, but it worked.

 

The withdrawal symptoms were horrifyingly agonising, but he went through them. It must have been one of the most difficult, painful and challenging things he ever did.

But he made it.

 

So can you.

[Owl]

I don't believe she's a "person in love". She sounds more like a terrified woman steeped in addiction to this man.

 

Too much fear there to be "true love".

 

Adamgem...point blank...the "chewing" you've got from a few other posters was actually on the money.

 

Look...we can't control you...we get that.

 

But you're not taking the advice you've been given, nor are you taking the actions you know you need to take to protect yourself.

 

Put on your big girl britches. Stop. Stop calling him. Stop taking his calls. Shut that darned phone off, or drop it off at a friend's house until you're strong enough to shut it off.

 

Enough is enough. You've made a choice...now demonstrate some strength and implement that choice until you reach the goal you've chosen.

 

I don't mean to be harsh...but I DO mean to be blunt enough you can't mistake what I'm trying to tell you.

[TaraMaiden]

Absolutely seconded - and you know we mean well.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You may mean well, but flip-flopping never helped anyone. It merely makes matters worse.

 

That's completely false. Many of us make big changes that are precedented by a series of "false starts." Which, in retrospect, we can see were necessary steps on the way to the big change we needed to make.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

Previously I mentioned on this board that I thought I was dealing with a psychopath. Many of his behaviors had concerned me. Especially regarding his ex. The one he went back to!

 

Hm. This type of person is usually referred to as a "split self" on this board.

 

I hope you find the strength you need to make your life the way you want it to be - not including a man who cannot and will not commit to you, since I know that is what you want.

[MilitantPacifist]

It seems in either case you would benefit going to individual counseling to deal with the trust issues you have when in relationships.

 

((((Adamgem))))

 

Agreed. The last thing you want is to be bringing these issues from this abusive relationship into your next one, where for all you know you'll be dealing with a loving, caring person.

 

If you carry that baggage around, to be blunt the next time you'll be the abusive one, because you'll be unable to avoid acting defensive to avoid getting hurt.

[MilitantPacifist]

That's completely false. Many of us make big changes that are precedented by a series of "false starts." Which, in retrospect, we can see were necessary steps on the way to the big change we needed to make.

 

Yeah.. "flip-flopping" is a political term that was invented to try to make one or the other political party look weak and ineffectual whenever a politician changes his position on something.

 

In actuality I believe change is a rather positive sign in a politician and in people in general. If you're so rigid that you can't adapt to new information and modify your strategies as needed, you're doomed to fail over and over again, spectacularly, and in exactly the same ways you failed before.

 

It's perfectly okay to make mistakes. Not learning from them (not learning how to "flip-flop") however is unforgivable.

[ThatJustHappened]

Flip-flopping in the context of infidelity is usually used when a MP leaves the marriage and moves in with the OP only to go back to the marriage to go back to the OP and so on. It is caused by prematurely trying to make a decision before you have done the necessary groundwork for it to be a sustainable decision.

 

Trying to prematurely end the EMR by either the MP or the OP may also cause flip-flopping. This often cements the EMR and makes it even more difficult for the parties to end the relationship if they so wish.

 

Flip-flopping generally makes for a very stressful situation for all parties involved in the extramarital triangle and all parties are better off if it can be avoided.

 

For the OP who flip-flops the danger is that the MP will not take his/her words and/or action seriously any longer. "Yeah, yeah, you're ending our relationship again. See you tomorrow."

 

Generally I would agree with you about weaning yourself off of an addiction rather than going cold turkey, but in the case of a potentially dangerous situation, I don't think this applies. The OP seemed quite scared of her AP yesterday. In this case, I think going cold turkey is a necessity.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Trying to prematurely end the EMR by either the MP or the OP may also cause flip-flopping. This often cements the EMR and makes it even more difficult for the parties to end the relationship if they so wish.

 

Flip-flopping generally makes for a very stressful situation for all parties involved in the extramarital triangle and all parties are better off if it can be avoided.

 

For the OP who flip-flops the danger is that the MP will not take his/her words and/or action seriously any longer. "Yeah, yeah, you're ending our relationship again. See you tomorrow."

 

How can you "prematurely end" a toxic relationship??

 

I understand that some of you seem to be enthralled by assigning all kinds of

"special" attributes to the relationship commonly called "an affair." It has its specific qualities, but, bottom line, it's just another relationship.

 

"Breaking up is hard to do." Not only when you are breaking up with a person who has a husband or wife at home.

 

I have some breakups under my belt. Not a single one of them was "flip-flop free." I agree that life would have been much nicer if I had been able to do "the necessary groundwork for it to be a sustainable decision," but … come on! Life really isn't like that. When we are hurting, which is usually the case when we need to end a relationship, we aren't about "necessary groundwork."

 

If a person is unhappy and in a relationship that they know is bad for them, they need to do their best to end that. For a lot of us that means taking steps, not a fell swoop amputation.

[OpenBook]

I've been through quite a few breakups myself, and not all of them were flip-flops. The ones I broke off clean were by far the least painful, because I'd already done all the groundwork I'd ever cared to do, and there was no turning back. Same thing when the other party broke it off clean with me. I highly recommend the "amputate" approach to ending relationships.

[Owl]

You may mean well, but flip-flopping never helped anyone. It merely makes matters worse.

 

You're right.

 

She needs to quit flip-flopping.

 

That is PRECISELY what we've all been telling her. She needs to quit flip-flopping, and end this situation with this abusive and apparently dangerous individual.

 

Per my signature. She needs to stop TRYING...and start DOING.

 

There is no try...and there is no "can't". There's only "won't".

 

She either will end contact with him...or she won't.

 

Can't has nothing to do with this...and I think that's the source of confusion when it comes to this silly notion of "ending a relationship early".

 

The relationship has been ended for quite some time. It ended when she decided she wanted out. Right now, she's dealing with the addiction, not a 'relationship'.

 

Enabling her "can't" mindset is really not in her best interests, IMHO. Enabling her "do" mindset is much more beneficial.

[Owl]

As long as the net result of what she is getting out of the relationship is more pluses than minuses, it doesn't matter what anyone on the outside thinks of her relationship, it doesn't matter how abusive the relationship is, she is going to stay.

 

Telling her over and over what to do without it being truly anchored within her will only lead to continued flip-flopping.

 

Re-reading this thread...I don't see more pluses than minuses...nor do I see her pointing it out that way either.

 

There's no indication that she's wanting to continue a relationship...it looks like she's trying to end it gracefully...which is her mistake here. She's trying to be nice to him and take his calls and call him back...she's picking him up and returning his calls.

 

There doesn't appear to be any confusion that she's ending the relationship...she's moving to get away, for goodness sakes.

 

Guess we'll just have to agree to disagree and both continue to provide her with the advice we feel is most appropriate...even if our advice may be counter to each other's.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Very often for women. They stay and they stay and they stay until suddenly they are done and do not look back.

 

I can't argue with that - but I can argue that in most cases, such women are not "doing necessary groundwork." In many cases, they are eating dirt, wasting their lives, unable to gather the strength to START moving in a direction towards a fulfilling life, free of this unhealthy relationship. I saw this a lot during my years volunteering with a women's shelter.

 

I don't agree that this OP, given the circumstances, would be better off staying in this mess because she is "in love" and has not yet done "groundwork." I think that, for her own well being on every level (and particularly her ability to ever love and trust in the future) she needs to do whatever she can to leave this NOW. Take it one day at a time.

 

IMO, that is the ONLY way to really change a pattern. If I waited until I felt completely and absolutely ready to step away from a toxic behavior of my own, I would still be a drug addict.

 

STOP the behavior NOW, and maintain that one day at a time. With a lot of the RIGHT KIND of support.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I've been through quite a few breakups myself, and not all of them were flip-flops. The ones I broke off clean were by far the least painful, because I'd already done all the groundwork I'd ever cared to do, and there was no turning back. Same thing when the other party broke it off clean with me. I highly recommend the "amputate" approach to ending relationships.

 

I highly recommend it as well, but if it's not happening, efforts to break up that ultimately get you there are far preferable to staying in a sick situation.