pixy25 Posted July 26, 2004 Share Posted July 26, 2004 My fiancé and I have been engaged for one and a half years now. We have been together a total of almost 6 years all together. We have been on and off with wedding dates and locations. The past two years have been quite difficult for us (ie: a lot of disagreements and uncertainty on my part). The problem is that we have had a lot of tough times in our past and I sometimes feel our relationship is too injured. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m still “in love” with him although I do love him. To complicate matters, my co-worker and I have this amazing chemistry and have been slowly getting closer (emotionally) over the past year. He recently told me his feelings for me and since then my world has been turned upside down. I have this awful pit in my stomach and don’t know what to do. I know this is wrong and I need to choose which way to go. I just don’t really know what to do as of now. I’m not 100% sure of how I feel about my fiancé because those feelings are sometimes overcome with the day to day stresses/fights/frustrations that we face with each other. We are both stubborn people and thus things don’t come easy for us. I have a nagging feeling inside that won’t go away that tells me something is off. However, I’m afraid to face the possible outcome of all of this. What to do? Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 26, 2004 Share Posted July 26, 2004 My take is that the first three sentences of your post tell the tale. Together six years, engaged a year and ahalf, can't seem to get a date nailed down. The reason is that one or both of you know that the two of you shouldn't marry. All the rest of what you write stems from this fact. My personal opinion is that if you don't know whether you want to marry someone within a year, that person is not suitable to be your spouse. If you do decide to marry, the date should be set no more than six months out. Just enough time to plan and execute a wedding. I work with a guy who's been dating the same woman since college. He's now 32. They've been engaged for nearly three years and set a date almost two years ago. they have all sorts of excuses for dragging this out. But the truth is that they shouldn't be marrying at all. He keeps making comments like "I can't believe I'm doing this. What was I thinking? Maybe we should wait a few more years." If he loves his woman as much as he should to take her to wife, such thoughts would never enter his mind for more than a moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pixy25 Posted July 26, 2004 Author Share Posted July 26, 2004 As much as sometimes I feel something isn’t right, I am so afraid to do anything about it. I feel somewhat stuck most of the time. However, he would marry me tomorrow if I wanted to. It’s all on me. I am the one prolonging and waiting to see if this is right. Yet, time keeps passing and it gets harder. I am so confused that I cannot clearly see how it is that I feel for him. My feelings change almost daily. There are days I love him and can’t imagine not being with him and there are days when I can’t stand him and want to break it off. Now if you throw this other guy who I like and who likes me into the mix, it gets even cloudier because I question if I would be happier with him. I think I would deep down inside, but I feel emotionally paralyzed and unsure of how to proceed. I have never felt more uncertain about things in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Try, as best you can , to remove thoughts of this other guy...and take a good hard look at your relationship with your fiance. If it's not what you want for life, then do him a favour, and let him go now, before prolonging things any further, or increasing the hurt he will feel. Link to post Share on other sites
lovejoydiva Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Believe me...if you have doubts don't do it. I did it when I had doubts and I am so full of regrets now. I am so unhappy. Marriage does not make the situation any better. If you do not truly feel that you want to be with this person, don't do it. It will hurt both of you now, but you will be save you all alot of frustration in the future. Marriage is tough and going into it with problems is not a good idea. I wote to this post when I first had doubts and everyone...including Tont...said that I should call it off no matter how much money or time my parents invested. I was soooo stupid and I did it because all the invitations were sent out. I wish I could go back to that moment and I would call it off in a second. Just follow your heart. If our heart is telling you NO...get out ASAP Link to post Share on other sites
katie79 Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 It sounds like fait is leading you where you're supposed to be. End the engagement! It sounds like maybe he waited too long to propose in the first place. Maybe he should have done this 4 years ago? My bf and I are together almost 4 years, he's 30, I'm 25, and he is in the process of making payments on a ring. In my situation, people freak when they hear we've been together almost 4 years and no commitment. Were the past 3 1/2 - 4 years hard for you both? People must have asked when you guys were going to take the plunge. Maybe 4 years or so ago, you should have said you were interested in marriage. That might have saved this relationship. Probably what happened is you wanted to for a while, and waited---too long. You got bored and made an emotional detachment before he popped the question. You might have said yes b/c he was like an "old shoe", you were comfortable with him and you prob felt like you've been together so long, you should get engaged. However, you feelings for this other guy, and his feelings for you might be a wake up call before you make a boo-boo. Your probably supposed to be with him. You are probably falling in love with him and his feelings are mutual as well. Don't say "I Do" at the alter while fantacising about this other man. I notice you said you can't pin him down to a wedding date. That's bad news. I don't care how old you are, 6 years is too long to be with someone without committment. DOn't take this the wrong way, but right now your "husband to be" is rejecting you b/c he sounds like he just wants to give you a ring so you don't find someone else. He is a classic stringer. He wants you, but not to really marry you. He's happy with the "status quo" of being "engaged", but marriage is another issue. You should break it off with him for this reason whether someone else is in the picture or not. Who wants to marry someone who can't keep a major promise and doesn't understand the real meaning of engagement? Some men feel engagement is fine but marriage is too far to jump. This is stupid. THe point of engagement is to be a waiting period and transition to marriage.Don't waste another minute with this man. Do what's in your heart with the other guy and don't feel stupid about your second thoughts. You'll look even dumber getting a divorce from him 6 months into your marriage---that's if he ever decides in this lifetime to marry you too! My bf's mother met her husband like that. SHe was engaged to a guy after 4 years of dating, who was a loser. When she was engaged,she met her husband at a party. They are now married 32 years and very happy! Believe it or not, sometimes funny stuff like this happens. Maybe this co-worker is your future hubby who wont give you so much stress! Link to post Share on other sites
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