Did I make a mistake?? Please help!

[TrueSmiles12]

This is a more recent update regarding my previous post:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t43786/

 

 

And I had some of you responding all telling me the same thing -- straight up ASK him what's up... Now of course I didn't exactly nor do I have the guts to ask him.. Anyway, he has returned from his vacation yesterday and he didn't contact me until today. He im-ed me and we talked briefly about other stuff, and then I came out of nowhere and told him not to talk to me. And his response was "thats fine with me if thats what you want".. And I am just even more confused now, because it seemed like I was finally getting him to come around and maybe have a second chance for us to be together again with all his contact and everything. And now, I feel like I made a mistake by telling him not to talk to me, rather than simply asking him what he was after -- a friendship or more. But at the same time, of course, I am upset because he was just like, "ok thats fine" when i told him that i wasn't looking for him to make things better because he felt bad about our breakup and I said "well, before we started dating, we barely talked"..

 

I am having very confused thoughts. I am obviously still in denial about the breakup. On one hand, I should just take his reponse and move on. He definitely doesn't sound interested anymore if he doesn't even care that we don't talk. But on the other hand, I know him really well and I know how stubborn he is. I am afraid that he still does have feelings but he is not going to be the one to come right out and tell me, like he is waiting to hear it from me first. I mean he is under the strong impression that I "hate" him and the fact that I told him not to talk to me now is definitely strengthening his conviction.

 

What do I do?? Let it go completely? Or still pursue some sort of communication to find out what is going on. It feels like we are just playing games with each other and I hate it!

[StartingAgain]

Why did you do that? Were you possessed by demons or something? Yeah, you did more than make a mistake. You blew it. Were I him, after the overtures he's made, I'd never contact you again and would not respond to any effort on your part to contact me. He was approaching you slowly not wanting to push things too hard, probably feeliing you out to see how you may feel. Then you hammer him for no reason. Rather than get into anything with you he's just backs away with "thats fine with me if thats what you want."

 

You have but one chance (and it's a slim chance) of salvaging this. Call him up and come clean. But you'd better have some sort of answer about why you told him not to talk to you when you really do want him to talk to you. If it feels like you are playing games with earch other it is probably because you are playing games with him.

[TrueSmiles12]

eeeeek! thanks for your insight, it helps a lot!

 

i honestly thought by telling him to not talk to me i was doing something right for myself. i was afraid that he was just contacting me that much for just a mere friendship, i was afraid to hear the truth that he didn't want anything more. and by him contacting me the way he has, it has only gotten my hopes up. ugggghh, i am so confused.. and regretful.

 

i hope that i can salvage this......... i'll keep you updated.

 

thanks again.

[TrueSmiles12]

ooook... here's the not-so-exciting update:

 

i texted him when i got home from work and said "sorry about earlier we need to talk catch ya later"

 

he responded "ok"... and a couple minutes later asked, "can u talk now" and i said no because i wasnt home... then he asked (what sounded in a rude way) "why do we need to talk again?" so i got a little frustrated and said "alright forget it, its ok"... and he said "or you can just tell me please???"...

 

sooo... i responded "I still feel like i get mixed signals from u. thats why i told you not to contact me. i dont want mixed signals. but the truth is i really do want you to talk to me"

 

and i got nothing back. up until now. no response. nothing.

 

is that it then?

 

keep in mind that we're going back to school in less than a month and we're probably going to eventually get back to how we were being really flirty friends otherwise we're just going to be awkward and i know we can't be because we're going to be around each other 24/7 in our major. and he has kept insisting that he just wants "things to be better between us".

 

i know that i should just ask him how he feels and tell him how i feel altogether. but more and more it seems that hes just not interested in any of that. and i dont want to seem pushy or like a drama queen. but i want to put my mind at ease and move on if thats what needs to be done.

[StartingAgain]

so i got a little frustrated and said "alright forget it, its ok"

 

You asked him to talk he said he was willing, but is still stinging from your last hammer of him and when he asks why you need to talk again (how could you possibly tell he was being rude in a text message?!?), you shut him down a second time.

 

You really need to learn how to communicate more effectively. If you don't you will never have a successful relationship.

 

You say you feel he's sending you mixed signals. The appropriate thing to do is tell him this and give him specific examples of how he is doing this and discuss how the two of you might communicate more effectively. But instead, your answer was to tell him not to talk to you at all. Can you not see that this approach is self-defeating?

 

Your communication style will only push him away. You are not being the kind of person that he *can* talk to. No one is going to open up to you if he feels he's going to be hammered just because you get frustrated. Something's eating at you and, to be honest, I don't think it's him.

[TrueSmiles12]

i appreciate your advice, i really do, however i feel as if youre now attacking my character, now implying that there is something wrong with me... all of us have a problem communicating from time to time, but that does not mean something is eating at me...

 

in any case, i felt that i did open up the lines of communication for some kind of conversation last night. i did say that i felt as if he was sending mixed signals. and i was expecting an actual conversation after that, but i didn't get any kind of response and i am confused by that. i don't see exactly how i shut him down that time..??

 

and so you're saying that he is still dealing with my action of telling him not to talk to me?? even though he did appear to want to talk and never responded to actually have a conversation with me??

 

i want to know if it is time to send him an email and just let everything out there and make it up to him to respond to it and get back to me or not... or if i just should let it all go at this point

[StartingAgain]

No, I most assuredly am not attacking your character and the fact that you think I am indicates the level of your stress in this matter. Please read my post again very carefully and then read what you have written. If you are objective and put aside this idea that I'm attacking your character, you may see what I mean.

 

BTW, it may not just be you who's having problems with effective communication. No doubt your BF isn't doing a terribly good job if you are getting so frustrated when you try to talk to him.

[TrueSmiles12]

StartingAgain, I apologize. I am most definitely stressed over this and I didn't mean to take it out on you. Like I said, I really do appreciate your advice...

 

No updates... Except I am really itching to send him an e-mail and I really just need advice about this. The questions still remain: Should I do so or just let it all go? And how do I exactly go about saying what I want to say without sounding overanalytical or dramatic or too serious? I don't want to scare him away. I want to keep it short and sweet and get my point across, but not be too blunt. Any ideas?? Thanks.

[wildturkey]

the no-contact rule may work here. I just read that "ice-cream" is the key. Go out and have some ice cream and then call him again. Smile when you talk on the phone and do not text him. Get him on the phone and instead of saying no, set up a time and keep the date. Prepare yourself somewhat in what you want to talk about and smile. If you love - do not reject if you want to keep.

[TrueSmiles12]

I like that ice cream idea.. but I'm confused -- are you saying I should step back and let no contact take its course?? Or pick up the phone and call him?? And when I get him on phone, do you have any ideas as to how to address what to talk about??

 

"if you love - do not reject if you want to keep" -- I really like that, thank you!

[wildturkey]

What I really meant was to wait a few days of no-contact. Call and then set a date. Call when you are eating ice-cream. Tell him where you are. Break the ice if you really want to see him invite to have some with you and talk in person.

[TrueSmiles12]

Gotcha! Sounds like a decent plan... Thanks!

 

All except for one thing... We are currently long distance until next month when we go back to school (college that is), so talking in person is not an option, unfortunately.

 

Anyone have any ideas of how to ask him what he's feeling about our current situation without sounding too pushy??

[wildturkey]

If you can't see him then do it over the phone. Plain ask him how he feels. Will show you care. If he tells you great if he does not - oh well. Take it from there. You may be able to fix things. Sounds like he wants to talk. Tha is great. Communicate and remember to smile.

[TrueSmiles12]

As more and more time goes by, however, it feels like he does not want to talk anymore... He doesn't seem to be contacting me anymore and now I really regret telling him not to talk to me.. But I did make that effort to talk to him and I guess he just blew it off. Now I don't think that asking him how he feels or even telling him how I feel is the best thing anymore...

 

SOOO Confused!

 

Do you think he is just waiting for me to contact him??

[wildturkey]

call and find out. You will be more in peace when you communicate. If you feel you are waiting-for-a-phone-call don't torture yourself. Call, find out and move on if you have to.

[wildturkey]

tell you what I did. I waited for a few days. I did not get a call. I called and she agreed to talk. Has cancelled but has not said no. I am getting better by the day. It is us who have the pain who have to act and take action to move on. If a reconciliation occurs great if not - you are already moving on.

[TrueSmiles12]

I DID IT!

 

I sent him an e-mail last night, I had the most itching urge to get everything out there and put my mind at ease for once.

 

Anyways, the short version of the e-mail:

- I told him that I wasn't looking for any sort of response back, that his actions would let me know on their own what his response was, so there was no need to e-mail back. I just wanted to get everything off my chest.

 

- ...that he had been sending a lot of mixed signals lately and I gave the several examples of when and why I thought they were confusing.

 

- ...that when he does contact me, even a simple hi, that i admit it gives me even a speck of hope.

 

- ...questioned what normal for us was... (I mean what was normal before we started dating? When we were friends aka casual acquaintances who barely talked? Or right before we started dating where we did a lot of talking and a lot of hanging out, but wait, that was all because we knew what was bound to happen between us and we both wanted it. So, you see, I have no idea what you’re looking for as far as making things better. You are sure that I hate you and that’s not what you want (you don’t want me to hate you obviously). I know that. And the problem is I don’t hate you – you know that more than anything. I’ve been joking around with you that I hate you to hide the fact that I opposite of hate you, haha.)

 

- I apologized for coming out of nowhere and telling him not to talk to me. (I knew that the best thing to do was to just ask you up front what was up and tell you exactly how I felt, but instead, I believed that I knew the truth on my own – that all you do want is a mere friendship aka not an enemy, so I took the easy way out. But I’m sorry, because I know that doesn’t make things easier or even better in the long run. Not to mention it’s obviously not what I want – I do want you to talk me)

 

- ...and: (Anyway, bottom line – I don’t want to have to assume how you feel. I want to be able to read your actions properly and understand how you feel from that, no mixed signals. If a friendship, plain and simple, is in fact all you want, which I know it is, then please understand that there needs to be a line drawn. And maybe it’ll become easier to draw that line when we’re back at school, who knows… It’s not easy to just jump into being friends with an ex, trust me. It’s not a big deal, it just doesn’t happen that easily is what I’m saying. So rather than forcing that friendship right away, let it happen when it wants to, I guess is all I can say. Haha, then of course, there is that speck of hope calling – if it’s more than friendship that you want or even sort of want, that’ll take time too of course, but like I said, actions towards either are different and there’s that line to be drawn.)

 

- ...and: (Like I admitted to you a couple weeks ago, I haven’t moved on yet and it still feels like we’re together, but we’re not. A part of me wants to move on, obviously, you’re not around and it’s like I’m waiting for nothing. But let me tell you, the hopefuls count here at home = BLAH, lol. I’m trying my best though. One should be proud. Eh, I’m not sitting around like waiting for you to come back, ps, but obviously the other part of me wants you to.)

 

....... then i just ended it with I'll talk to you soon or i'll just be seeing you at school and enjoy the rest of your summer!

 

 

did i do ok??? so basically if he calls me or contacts me, then I'm taking it as though he may be looking for more.. otherwise, i'll just see him back at school and we can start over as friends or whatever. siggghhh, i do feel relieved, but now i know it is definitely time to start moving on, especially if he doesn't contact me after that..

[wildturkey]

Good job! Congratulations. however, we can not live on hope. One thing I will share with you and keep it in the front burner for when you need it again. When sending emails which you want people to act on. Do not give them an out. The objective is to put the cards on the table at the same time in person. The other part of me says that when you give someone a choice and they go for the one you want more power to you as far as how the reaction to the email is. Hoping it is a positive reaction. You have done great. If you want it bad start driving. My situation is complicated and other than begging which I will not do because I know what the results would be.... I have decided to sit tight and for now I have done all I can. I do not have that itch to calling. Here is my situation if you are interested. By the way, I hope you get an email back and you reconciliate or at least find closure that will make you feel confortable and allow you to move on.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=262928#post262928

 

you will see that mine is complicated.

[TrueSmiles12]

Wow, your situation is complicated and I absolutely agree with how you are handling the situation thus far. I am in the same position - I will not beg or even bombard him with questions/feelings/whatever. It will only drive him away.

 

So you're saying that I gave him an out by telling him not to really respond to the email?? I'm not sure I understand. I mean for myself, I do, but I don't want a response, you know? If I get an actual written response back, it will only be to tell me what I probably do not want to hear. So, I simply want his actions to speak (whether or not he will call or even come back).

 

And, unfortunately, as more days go by, I am afraid that he may be seeing or even interested in someone else. (I am of course thinking worst case scenario here). But, like you, all I can do is sit tight and let things happen on their own.

 

How long do you think I should really give him to act on anything?? We are going back to school in about a month and I really hope that that is not the first time we will be talking again after all this.. But yes, I do want to move on, if that is the message he will be sending me by not talking to me after this..

[wildturkey]

Let me explain what I meant. If I say in a message " you do not have to respond if you do not want to " but I want to know if you want to have fish at home or go out". I hope you get a response for fish or go out. However, you can not hold the other person for not responding. You also told them not to respond. This is how I understood your message. I would write. I would like to know if you like fish or go out. Takes the choice away. You did great. Thank you for reading mine.

[TrueSmiles12]

ahh, I understand.. but like i said, what if this is the best i can do at this point? a part of me wants that response, but i know that it's just going to hurt me, so i don't want to hear it, ya know? and i don't want to bother him anymore, i already said what was on my mind.. and i absolutely understand that i can't get frustrated or upset if he doesn't respond, i told him not to.. ughh, am i stuck again?

[wildturkey]

wait a couple of days. We are all stuck here anyway!!! I really hope you find either way. After a few days write again. If you have email which can send you back a receipt message - better yet. That way you will know he got it. Send him a yahoo e-card. THose have receipts. Try it, send one to yourself you will get a message when you read it that you read it. It will not be another email from you but an ecard. With your message asking for contact. If you do not get a response then you will know and the most important thing is that you will know you tried.

[TrueSmiles12]

ahhhh! UPDATE! well first read my other post in coping, "it's really over now, isn't it" for some recent updates with this whole situation.

but regarding this post, i do have a major update..

 

well ya know that e-mail that i sent him on july 28th? don't worry, he JUST responded to it, as in he just got it siggghhh!

anyways, here is what he said:

 

(sorry i really dont check my email all that often so i just got your email the other day, and i know you told me not to respond to it, but you also told me not to talk to you when you didnt mean it. Anyway, i understood your intentions within the email, but i was also rather confused, and at the same time it troubled me a great deal. I have been thinking about it and i agree that taking your time to decide what you want is prudent, and also understandable, i am worried that our relationship has deteriorated to the point where we would try to avoid each other all the time. Something that would be extremely difficult, pointless, and detrimental.

 

I also didnt want you to think of me as some sort of vindictive person because of my away message the other day, and i think of it as some sort of misunderstanding. I dont want things to go in that sort of direction, and while normalcy may not ever be possible maybe we can strive toward civility for the time being. Either way i am glad you said it bothered you cause i hope we can communicate about any problems even though we barely ever talk to each other anymore.

 

Either way i hope you will respond cause i want to know your sentiments as to what i have said, and please add anything.)

 

I AM SO CONFUSED! i don't really understand why he even bothered to respond.. truth is i only wanted a response if he was looking for a second chance i guess.. and now i don't really know how to respond to this, i don't really know what to say.. what is he confused about? what troubled him "a great deal"? i don't think i understand him what is he looking for? what does it seem like at least? can some decipher this at all?

 

i'm in a way glad that he took the time to respond because all this time i thought he had read it and just didn't care anymore.. but of course, i am just very confused.. in the email i sent him, it was more of trying to figure out what he wanted and what he was looking for (i mean i was telling him how he kept sending mixed signals), not so much of me taking the time to figure out what i wanted..

 

i don't really know what to think of his response.. can someone please help?

[youcandealw/it]

let it go.you'll be better off.the world's an ocean, and there's plenty of fish in the sea.smile and be happy.

[KaiaMahina]

I agree with youcandealw/it absolutely. This situation has gotten totally out of control and is going nowhere. Don't keep yourself in the greasy coils of this web any longer. Don't respond to his "response" and leave him alone. You aren't giving him a straight question and he's not giving you a straight answer -it's like you're communicating by pantomine while wearing blindfolds!

 

I'd say there's not much to fish for in these murky waters. Move on down the dock and cast again.