Trouble getting past details of my wife's affair

[Wanderer25]

I also got a text this morning from my wife's male CPA partner. The guy who was talking to the OM when I first met him for the first time. He asked me if everything is alright with me and Cheryl. I said its fine, why? He said she just seemed a little down the last month or so with some happy moments and sad moments. I caved and told him what was going on. He felt really bad for me and apologized for what happened but told me that it wasn't the first time the OM had done something like that and proceeded to tell me about his last affair. I don't want to bother you guys with the details. I feel like there must have been something that occurred that made him text me now of all times. I'm going to ask my wife and see what she says.

 

I suspect a link between this story and your wife confessing her affair to you.. There must have been something that made her affair untenable... Keep talking to your wife's CPA partner..

 

There are things that you still don't know about

[BeholdtheMan]

I guess I'm here just in time...

I really think you've made the right choice . In your shoes, I'd favor divorce over indefinite separation simply because I would prefer to start my life anew and look for the happiness I deserve.

 

I think you have enough details concerning your wife's affair to make an informed decision. There is no need to probe for additional details. What you know already is enough to justify an end to your marriage. Some of the stuff she has disclosed to you is disturbing to say the least. I would never be able to get over the mind-movies in your shoes.

 

I definitely think that the high probability of those details haunting you for the rest of your life and your strong urge to sleep with another woman to balance your wife's betrayal are enough to prevent reconciliation of your current marriage. Time to move on. You've made a tough decision, but I'm glad you've chosen to move forward instead of lingering. That tells me your decision wasn't motivated by weakness but rather by strength and a desire to re-assert control of your life.

 

I think now it's time to gather what positive energy you can and strive for happiness in the future. Find a woman who deserves you, improve your career...as long as you focus your energy into something constructive, you will find these tough times easier to get through.

 

Best of luck to you brother

[drifter777]

gary: I like the idea of a separation as it accomplishes some important things. First, it gets you away from her and all of the manipulation she is doing to you. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but if she doesn't want a divorce she will do whatever she thinks she has to in order to make you stay. Next is that it gives you a chance to think clearly about how you want to live the rest of your life. I feel very strongly about this and urge you to consider this carefully. Finally, another benefit is simply the passing of time. If I have learned anything about cheating wives it's that they will never tell you the whole truth - especially about the sex. Things can trickle out over time that are devastating. A little time may bring more of these trickle-truths to light and help you make a better decision.

 

Most of us are more interested in seeing you recover from the horrible pain of your wife's betrayal than in you simply divorcing her. If after a few weeks you are convinced that the damage she has done is simply too much for you to live with, don't waste your time trying to reconcile. If you are scared of being alone and starting a new life you could end up swallowing all of the pain and hoping that you will magically heal over time. I know what I'm talking about here and urge you not to be that guy.

 

On the other hand, the time apart may be what it takes to get both of you to decide to do the long hard work required to reconcile. Couples have done it and it might work for you. Just make sure you have some idea of how hard and painful it will be.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

I don't know if this will help you or not, but I'll tell you what happened with my husband and I...

 

after I found out he'd been cheating, he waffled around, and I kept trying to b understanding and give him time...

 

finally I'd had enough and I called a lawyer ( friend of my dad's who I'd known for some time). His advice was that given what had happened, getting a divorce would have been quite simple, but that his advice was to give things a bit more time, make sure that I was really good with divorce and I wasn't just using it as either a knee jerk reaction reaction or reaction of last resort. His advice was that it was okay to wait and make sure I was doing it because I wanted to, not because I had to...

 

to make a long story short, staying together is what was right for us, and waiting gave me time to finds that out. If things had been different, and I'd found out that staying together was wrong, I think I would have been better for having waited...I'd have known i did the right thing and I wouldn't have always been left wondering "what if"...

[garyfromla]

Update

 

A couple of things have happened since I had the talk with my wife about the impending indefinite separation or divorce. I have my sights on moving back out in about a month or so depending on when my condo would be ready to be moved into.

 

My wife has pretty much been the same since our talk with a little more hope that everything will be alright in the end. I also spoke to my girls about my moving out indefinitely and I have their full support. They both expressed that if their mother and I are still in love with each other and I improve my mental and emotional state, they would be happy if we reconciled later on down the road. But if we didn't, they would still be happy for my decision to move on.

 

My daughter also spoke to my wife about her wanting to possibly get married again the future if she and I don't work out. Her mother said no so I don't think an indefinite separation will be a problem if I decide to take that route.

 

My wife's CPA partner (Steve) has been great since I told him about our situation. He asked me if I wanted to get some coffee 2 days ago and I said sure. We started talking about my plan of action then moved onto Rick (OM) and my wife for the remainder of the talk.

 

Steve started off by telling me that he has not brought up the fact that he knows about the affair to my wife. He feels that it will just bring up weird tension between them at work. Second, he told me he talked to Rick about the affair with my wife. It turns out that everything my wife told me was true. She did end it with him abruptly and made it clear to him that she was still in love with me and was acting disgustingly. Rick had the nerve to pursue her again even after that but finally gave up about a week after she had confessed to me.

 

He gave me some good news too. He said after he talked to Rick about my wife's affair, he suggested that Rick leave their firm and do business elsewhere so that my wife can move on and not have to see him again. I told him he didn't have to do that; they were friends after all. He said he didn't care and was fed up after his last affair with another married woman. Steve's wife also suggested Rick leaving the firm and asked Steve to cut ties with Rick after hearing about his involvement with my wife. But what really fueled Steve to tell Rick to leave the firm was his guilty conscience of knowing that he's the guy who introduced the OM to my wife as a client nearly 8 years ago.

 

I asked Steve if the sleazebag felt any remorse for what he did. Not surprisingly, he said no he didn't. He said that there were millions of men out there trying to get in bed with married women and he was no different. He didn't want to steal her away from me, just have great sex with a gorgeous woman in his own words. He said he didn't believe in the not-sleeping-with married-women doctrine and felt that he was just as entitled to sleep with my wife as I was if she was willing to sleep with him. So after hearing that, I'm glad I never went to talk to him because I probably would have punched his lights out and ended up in jail.

 

I found out that Rick's ex-wife, the last married woman he was screwing, and my wife all were the same type. All are brunette, Mediterranean descent (Italian/Greek), big breasted and fit career women. This made me angry because it made me realize that he had probably set his sights on my wife after his last fling ended. Steve ended our coffee session and he told me to call him if I ever needed anything.

 

I went home with the information I got and asked my wife if she knew about another married woman from Rick's past. She said not at all and asked how I knew. I didn't tell her Steve told me and told her that I was respecting someone else's wishes not to say who I heard it from. She was mortified when I told her the details of the last affair and how horribly the sleazebag acted towards the married woman, her husband, and their son. She once, again, began to cry for just a little bit and said she feels more disgusted than she did before. She asked me what happened to the woman and her husband. I told her what Steve told me, that they divorced and 3 years later, decided to reconcile and put the past behind them after the husband was ready to move forward.

 

The one thing that's killing me in the meantime is my longing for sex. I decided a while ago that I wouldn't stoop to my wife's level and have an revenge affair. I don't want to but I have this urge to make a move on Cheryl and see if I can get some sex from her. I feel bad for wanting to get some physical intimacy when there will be probably be no emotional attachment involved during the sex. I don't know what to do. A lot of people will say I'm just looking to use her to get some pleasure. Would I be wrong to "use" my wife for sex if my heart isn't in it? How did you other BHs deal with the sex issue after D-day? Did any of you WWs willingly engage in sex with your husbands even if it seemed like it was for the wrong reason to you?

 

As for other things at home, I have been much happier than I had been a couple of weeks ago. I think my moving out and being alone is making me feel confident that I will heal in the future someday whether my wife and I get back together or not. It will allow me to assess the situation and my feelings without any outside distractions and maybe who knows, make me find a way back to my wife. If not, I will gladly divorce and move on. I'm spending more time with my girls and aside from the occasional questioning from my oldest about her mother's affair, everything is great. It seems like we're closer now than we were before and they are both getting ready to go to college and finish high school strong and have bright futures ahead of them that I am so proud to be apart.

Edited October 27, 2012 by garyfromla

[Cb3657]

Kudos to you mate, I don't know if I would be able to even look at my wife if I was put into the spot your in. I genuinely hope things work for you and her cause kids need good parents. It is so upsetting to me to think about the married woman lathario type guy, just bottom of the totem pole of life. You gotta hope there is karma or some other mechanism that will someday balance what this dude has done.

Got no good advice for ya cause you seem to be navigating about as well as anyone could given the circumstances. Just expressing my admiration for you and hope for your family.

[BeholdtheMan]

I asked Steve if the sleazebag felt any remorse for what he did...I probably would have punched his lights out and ended up in jail.

No need to be angry at Rick. Rick didn't betray you, he wasn't even your friend. Sure, he's an immoral/amoral douchebag, a selfish dime-a-dozen a sshole but he never owed you loyalty (admittedly, a bit of human decency would've been nice). Still, he was some stranger who fancied your wife.

 

Your wife is the one who took the vows at the altar. Your wife is the one who violated your trust and betrayed you by having uninhibited sex with douchebag Rick.

 

I told her the details of the last affair and how horribly the sleazebag acted towards the married woman

Is your wife a sleazebag for enjoying sex with sleazebag Rick so much? Don't waste your time with Rick. The affair was your wife's betrayal of your trust. She owed you loyalty. Rick the outsider didn't owe you squat.

 

The one thing that's killing me in the meantime is my longing for sex.

If you do reconcile with your wife, please don't let this be the reason why. You have more dignity than that

 

I decided a while ago that I wouldn't stoop to my wife's level and have an revenge affair.

The way I see it...don't bang some woman just to spite your wife, but if you genuinely have a spark with Cheryl (i.e. you guys are fine with being friends with benefits), you really don't owe your cheating (potentially ex-) wife sexual fidelity

 

You won't be stooping to her level. She has already broken the trust. You can't break something's that's already shattered. Unless of course, you guys have reconciled. Cheating after reconciliation would be a different matter

Edited October 29, 2012 by BeholdtheMan

[BetrayedH]

I hope you find it within you to forgive your wife.

 

I also hope you find it within you to not **** with her head too much in the meantime by either being unfaithful or by sleeping with her when you plan on moving out.

 

The situation is crazy-making. Stop the crazy before you lose your family. My $.02

[drifter777]

Talk of forgiving your wife is premature at this point. As I've said before, the trial separation is a perfect opportunity for you to consider your future and make your decisions without your wife's continuing manipulation. The fact you are horny when you are around her is evidence of this manipulation - even though it may be unintentional on your wife's part.

 

You haven't mentioned counseling (other than wife's friend) for the two of you and I wonder if you are willing to get some outside help. It seems like marriage counseling during your separation is a solid plan.

[Owl]

Talk of forgiving your wife is premature at this point. As I've said before, the trial separation is a perfect opportunity for you to consider your future and make your decisions without your wife's continuing manipulation. The fact you are horny when you are around her is evidence of this manipulation - even though it may be unintentional on your wife's part.

 

You haven't mentioned counseling (other than wife's friend) for the two of you and I wonder if you are willing to get some outside help. It seems like marriage counseling during your separation is a solid plan.

 

That reaction could also be part of the "hysterical bonding" desires as well. Natural instinct and response by a lot of BS's...especially men.

 

Take this into account, OP. If you're not ready to reconcile, or if she's not...don't start down this path.

[BeholdtheMan]

Birds of a feather flock together. Steve's partners with a known serial cheater; your wife's a cheater; what makes you think Steve isn't a cheater too?

Sounds paranoid...but I think the idea is sound: "be on guard". You really have no idea what Steve's motivations are

 

Talk of forgiving your wife is premature at this point. As I've said before, the trial separation is a perfect opportunity for you to consider your future and make your decisions without your wife's continuing manipulation. The fact you are horny when you are around her is evidence of this manipulation - even though it may be unintentional on your wife's part

Reconciliation is very, very hard. You really need some time away from wife to think it through

[Just a Guy]

I would still say that you sit your wife down and question her about her motive/s for having an affair with the OM. As far as I can make out this aspect has not been addressed and it may shed light on the whys and the wherefores of the way she behaved. The answers may also clear some of the questions weighing down on your mind. It seems very uncharacteristic of your wife who was true to your marriage for 16 long years, to turn around and involve herself in a sleazy affair of this type without there having been a deep seated reason for it. Most people would like to paint your wife as some one without character who was just waiting to jump into bed with the OM at the drop of a hat. I would like to disagree with that view and would like to think it may have been something which had been bothering her for a long time and she probably was under some emotional stress when she took such a drastic step. I would suggest that you explore her motivations before you proceed any further with things.

[Darth Vader]

I would still say that you sit your wife down and question her about her motive/s for having an affair with the OM. As far as I can make out this aspect has not been addressed and it may shed light on the whys and the wherefores of the way she behaved. The answers may also clear some of the questions weighing down on your mind. It seems very uncharacteristic of your wife who was true to your marriage for 16 long years, to turn around and involve herself in a sleazy affair of this type without there having been a deep seated reason for it. Most people would like to paint your wife as some one without character who was just waiting to jump into bed with the OM at the drop of a hat. I would like to disagree with that view and would like to think it may have been something which had been bothering her for a long time and she probably was under some emotional stress when she took such a drastic step. I would suggest that you explore her motivations before you proceed any further with things.

 

 

I still say his wife went and had a revenge affair (for husband not being there). I don't know why, but, I have this feeling.......... It's very unusual for someone who has it all to just screw it all up, then again, affairs make no sense anyway!

 

As far as Gary screwing his wife now, I don't see any point, after all, how could he touch her knowing all the stuff her and her OM did, that'd be like EWWW!!

[garyfromla]

No need to be angry at Rick. Rick didn't betray you, he wasn't even your friend. Sure, he's an immoral/amoral douchebag, a selfish dime-a-dozen a sshole but he never owed you loyalty (admittedly, a bit of human decency would've been nice). Still, he was some stranger who fancied your wife.

 

I understand where you're coming from. It is indeed true that the only person a BS should truly be angry with is their partner. Like you said, it is your wife that vowed a lifetime of loyalty to you, not the OM. But I don't see eye to eye with the idea of completely dismissing the OM's involvement in the affair as if he was some victim that had his testicular urges manipulated by the cheating wife.

 

It is never one-sided in an affair. While it is the wife's obligation to remain faithful and avoid becoming involved with another man, I don't see a problem with feeling angry towards the man who systematically preyed on my wife for probably months to get into bed with her. Yes, in the end, I blame my wife 100% for our predicament but just because I don't put the blame on him doesn't mean I can't be mad at him.

 

The way I see it...don't bang some woman just to spite your wife, but if you genuinely have a spark with Cheryl (i.e. you guys are fine with being friends with benefits), you really don't owe your cheating (potentially ex-) wife sexual fidelity

 

You won't be stooping to her level. She has already broken the trust. You can't break something's that's already shattered. Unless of course, you guys have reconciled. Cheating after reconciliation would be a different matter

 

I don't want to sleep with another woman honestly but I also don't want to sleep with my wife at the moment because of what she had done. And this dilemma is really pissing me off. If I sleep with another woman, I'd be undoing whatever effort I put into reconciling the first time and maybe reconciling for good in the future. It would do nothing for me but prove that Cheryl had up a point on me and that's what led me to stray from my own marriage.

 

But at the same time, I haven't had sex in months. Which is fine considering I am not a sex nympho. But it feels like my current situation of confusion and self-reflection has made me long for sex. But I know if I were to have sex with my wife again, at least now, it might take a turn for the worse as you can imagine. Just knowing that the last person she's had sex with was him is enough to put me over the edge if we did do it at this point. Also, someone brought up a great point and mentioned that it wouldn't be right to have sex with her if I planned on moving out in a bit (which I still am).

[Artie Lang]

gary.....are you saying you haven't had any sexual relations with your wife since the affair was revealed?

 

not even the HB.

[garyfromla]

I hope you find it within you to forgive your wife.

 

As always, I appreciate the input BH. I don't think I'm at a point where I can forgive her at the moment but I know I will eventually in the future, whether we get back together or divorce and go our separate ways. She is still the mother of my children and I find it necessary to find an amicable juncture between us sometime in the future.

 

I also hope you find it within you to not **** with her head too much in the meantime by either being unfaithful or by sleeping with her when you plan on moving out.

 

I'm not trying to **** with her head at all. Does it seem that way? And I just had the urge to have sex at least once, not to manipulate her in anyway. I don't think I'm interested or ready for this but if I was, why would it be wrong for me to sleep with her if I was moving out? If she was willing, I don't see why it would be a problem. Would she rather have me screw another woman instead? I don't know.

[garyfromla]

Talk of forgiving your wife is premature at this point. As I've said before, the trial separation is a perfect opportunity for you to consider your future and make your decisions without your wife's continuing manipulation. The fact you are horny when you are around her is evidence of this manipulation - even though it may be unintentional on your wife's part.

 

You haven't mentioned counseling (other than wife's friend) for the two of you and I wonder if you are willing to get some outside help. It seems like marriage counseling during your separation is a solid plan.

 

I agree on forgiveness being a little premature at this point. I feel that there is a long ways to go before I get to that peaceful state of mind. But I don't agree that she's manipulating me into having sex with her. Yes, she's very attractive but my willingness to have sex right now is purely based on what I feel like doing. Not what she wants, needs, or expects. The time for all that had come and passed. Now it's my turn.

 

I will be getting some more counseling during our separation and my wife will continue her therapy. I'm waiting for her to bring up the idea of couples counseling sometime in the future. I hope she does for her and our marriage's sake because it will at least show that she's ready to make another serious step towards reconciliation.

[garyfromla]

gary,

 

be very careful about divulging any confidences to Steve.

 

He is from the same viper's nest as rick and your wife.

 

Guys like Steve like to be the hub of the wheel in this kind of situation, playing all three ends against the middle.

 

Odds are he would like to boff your wife too, or most likely already has, and sees rick as a rival who he's jealous of.

 

Certainly anything you are telling steve is surely getting back to rick and your wife, and you'd be a fool to believe the truth of anything steve is telling you.

 

Birds of a feather flock together. Steve's partners with a known serial cheater; your wife's a cheater; what makes you think Steve isn't a cheater too?

 

I can see why you would think that bud but the guy isn't like that. He was cheated on years ago by a girl who he dated for 8 years before he married his current wife. They were together all throughout highschool and college and it all ended when she had an affair. He was devastated and understands my point of view.

 

He only continued his friendship with Rick after the first time of finding out he slept with a married woman because Rick said that he wouldn't do it again. Even then, Steve cut all contact with him for about 4 months until he felt that he was comfortable looking past what Rick did. Steve's wife always disliked him and always tells Steve to stay away from Rick because he is nothing but scum. He finally realized she was right after this second bout of married woman screwing.

[BeholdtheMan]

I understand where you're coming from. It is indeed true that the only person a BS should truly be angry with is their partner. Like you said, it is your wife that vowed a lifetime of loyalty to you, not the OM. But I don't see eye to eye with the idea of completely dismissing the OM's involvement in the affair as if he was some victim that had his testicular urges manipulated by the cheating wife.

 

It is never one-sided in an affair. While it is the wife's obligation to remain faithful and avoid becoming involved with another man, I don't see a problem with feeling angry towards the man who systematically preyed on my wife for probably months to get into bed with her. Yes, in the end, I blame my wife 100% for our predicament but just because I don't put the blame on him doesn't mean I can't be mad at him.

Rick is definitely not a victim. Like I said, he's another self-serving a sshole looking for a screw.

 

However he wasn't necessarily a predator who "preyed" on your wife. IMO, Rick and your wife were accomplices, equally guilty...but only your wife owed you loyalty.

 

You can definitely be mad at Rick. Not saying it's wrong...but you might want to convert some of that negative energy into something more productive. Personally, I find anger to be pretty distracting

 

If I sleep with another woman, I'd be undoing whatever effort I put into reconciling the first time and maybe reconciling for good in the future

You and your wife seem to be de facto separated at this point. You need a break from her. I don't think sleeping with another woman at this point would be morally wrong on your part.

 

The relationship between you and your wife is definitely on a break. I think now is the time for you to explore other options, including other women (otherwise how do you know whether reconciliation is truly right for you?).

 

My opinion is that you really don't owe your wife sexual fidelity at this point, especially before you've committed to reconciliation. She already cheated and lied to you. I think you're entitled to some freedom on your end. You could even say that you'd like to date other women and explore your options during this time. See how she reacts

[2sunny]

I would say that IF you consider seeing any other woman/women while separated - that you do your best not to cause more harm by misleading anyone.

 

Be upfront - be honest - be clear that you don't know what path you may take in your future.

 

That way - she doesn't go into dating you with an idea of getting really attached to you in case you decide to go back to your wife. That can be devastating to any gal if she doesn't understand clearly what vulnerable waters she's treading into.

[drifter777]

I would say that IF you consider seeing any other woman/women while separated - that you do your best not to cause more harm by misleading anyone.

 

Be upfront - be honest - be clear that you don't know what path you may take in your future.

 

That way - she doesn't go into dating you with an idea of getting really attached to you in case you decide to go back to your wife. That can be devastating to any gal if she doesn't understand clearly what vulnerable waters she's treading into.

 

More important than being upfront with any woman you might date, make sure you and your wife agree that both of you are free to date while you are separated. Or agree NOT to date - which is a much better way to go. If the two of you are going to date while separated then just file for divorce now and forget about attempting any reconciliation.

[garyfromla]

gary.....are you saying you haven't had any sexual relations with your wife since the affair was revealed?

 

not even the HB.

 

No Artie, not with my wife. I had some sexual encounters with a friend of mine during the first legal separation but that ended as soon as I moved back in with my wife. So basically, I've gone about 5 months without sex and while that seems like a very long time, I'm pretty good with suppressing my primal urges for the most part so it's not affecting me that drastically. However, I don't want to continue this streak.

[garyfromla]

My opinion is that you really don't owe your wife sexual fidelity at this point, especially before you've committed to reconciliation. She already cheated and lied to you. I think you're entitled to some freedom on your end. You could even say that you'd like to date other women and explore your options during this time. See how she reacts

 

That's a great point and is driving my side to seek another woman while I figure this out. I will definitely bring it up to her soon and see how she reacts.

[garyfromla]

More important than being upfront with any woman you might date, make sure you and your wife agree that both of you are free to date while you are separated. Or agree NOT to date - which is a much better way to go. If the two of you are going to date while separated then just file for divorce now and forget about attempting any reconciliation.

 

I haven't had a talk about this with her yet but I think tomorrow or after tomorrow. Wouldn't dating during separation help to better figure out if we belong back together? To see if any distractions are potent enough to come between us again? I don't care about her end but I don't know if I can go another couple months to maybe a year with no intimate contact with another woman. If that is wrong, would it be better to proposition my wife for sex during the separation if I'm ok and ready for it?

[drifter777]

I haven't had a talk about this with her yet but I think tomorrow or after tomorrow. Wouldn't dating during separation help to better figure out if we belong back together? To see if any distractions are potent enough to come between us again? I don't care about her end but I don't know if I can go another couple months to maybe a year with no intimate contact with another woman. If that is wrong, would it be better to proposition my wife for sex during the separation if I'm ok and ready for it?

 

Don't misunderstand me - no judgement at all. I'm just suggesting that you two get the ground rules straight. It could be important if you consider reconciling down the road or maybe even for the divorce.

 

In your situation I would tell her I consider myself released from my marriage vows and will do whatever I want to in the dating/sex department.