Trouble getting past details of my wife's affair

[Realist3]

I MAY BE SPECULATING ALL OF THIS AS SHE HAS NEVER ever ADMITTED TO ANYTHING

 

I find this comment rather interesting. You admit that you have made up this scenario in your mind with absolutely no proof and you have allowed it to determine how you view your marriage????? Why is that? Paranoia?

[Tara247]

Garyfromla, you should probably go for a seperation at this time because it doesn't seem like your heart is really into divorcing her right now. Why don't you go to marital counseling together during the seperation? I think you need to find out what in her made her have the affair. What I would be concerned with is that this wasn't a one time lapse in judgement or temptation. She had sex with this man repeatedly over a 2.5 month period with all kinds of intense sex. You need to get to the "why" she did this in therapy. Then find out why she wants to save the marriage. Find out if she really loves you, or if it's something that she doesn't want to lose, like her current lifestyle maybe.

 

Don't have sex with her because you need to get a release. You still have all this resentment and hurt towards her. I don't think any good would come of it.

Edited November 6, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Tara247]

To add to my previous post: Gary, your wife behaved like a wanton whore, and what you have to realize is that what she did was the real her. What you thought she was before she cheated wasn't the real her. I think someone said something previously to this effect, and while this knowledge is very unpleasant, you need to be aware of it when you are deciding if you want to be with this person for the rest of your life. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't reconcile and stay married to her-that's up to you. However, if you do, it does mean that you should be very persistant in therapy in trying to determine the likelihood that history will repeat itself. Sorry,

[garyfromla]

Why don't you go to marital counseling together during the seperation?

 

That's a great idea Tara and I was thinking that it was necessary to have MC during our separation myself. I haven't brought that up to her yet but I know she will agree to it.

 

I think you need to find out what in her made her have the affair. What I would be concerned with is that this wasn't a one time lapse in judgement or temptation. She had sex with this man repeatedly over a 2.5 month period with all kinds of intense sex.

 

She has repeatedly told me and I am convinced by now that the reason why she had the affair was because I was becoming so cold/distant to her and she took that as me falling out of love with her. She says she was really stupid to resort to what she did. She just wanted the pain to go away and instead blindly and regretfully walked into her affair.

 

And you're right, 2.5 months is a lot worse than just 1 night. In fact, I probably wouldn't be here right now had her screw up been only 1 night.

The only thing I regret on my part was neglecting her more and more as the time passed during those months she was having the affair. BUT, again, I'm certainly not making any excuses for her actions. Instead of feeling neglected and unloved by me, my wife should have come up to me and expressed her feelings and thoughts.

 

Something as easy as "hey hun, I've been feeling really horrible about us for a while now and I just want to have a talk with you about it" would have caught my attention right away. Instead, she decided to bury her sorrows with another man.

 

Then find out why she wants to save the marriage. Find out if she really loves you, or if it's something that she doesn't want to lose, like her current lifestyle maybe.

 

According to her, she is still madly in love with me and even more in love since this ordeal has occurred. She says she can't picture being with another man for the rest of her life and that's not just said to me for show but to the people who know about our situation. But that's what kills me. Knowing that she loved/loves me THAT much and still felt betrayed, lost, whatever she was feeling, to run away from our problems and deal with them with the way she did.

 

She lives a pretty luxurious lifestyle, I'll admit that. But even though I bring in the majority of our family's income (about 75% of it), she still makes about $175K on her own so the money and lifestyle is not why she's still sticking around for our marriage. In fact, she would probably get a lot more to play with if we divorced but she has made it clear that she doesn't want that. She's a very smart woman when it comes to money. Knows how to save and invest but live a nice and happy life as well. She doesn't need me to do any of that.

 

Don't have sex with her because you need to get a release. You still have all this resentment and hurt towards her. I don't think any good would come of it.

 

I know, I know and I hate her for indirectly depriving me of sex just because she decided to have it elsewhere with another man. It's not a big deal for her though. She will hold out as long as she has to if it means saving our marriage so I guess I'm in this disparity by myself.

 

And I agree about nothing good coming out of it. All I can think about when I imagine us having sex is me neglecting her well-being and possibly inflicting some unintentional pain on her during sex. And I'm not that type of guy to just be thinking about my needs and not hers. I've always been a very sensual lover with her and always fulfilled her needs.

 

But I think at this point, there would be no emotional attachment on my end, just a purely physical mechanism. And that makes me afraid that I will just resort to "rough" sex rooted by lustful bliss AND personal anger. That's not what I want no matter how much I long for that intimacy I want.

[whichwayisup]

What is the goal here? For you and your wife to work things out and stay married? or is it separate, see what else is out there, see how life is apart, then decide to either get back together or divorce?

 

If you truly are wanting your marriage back on track, I suggest you just masturbate and watch porn for release and put sex if you can, on the back burner a bit longer. Going out and finding someone else to have sex with just for the sake of sex will do more damage than good in the long run, whether your wife knows or not. Or if she goes out and has sex with another man while you two are working this out, trust will continue to be an issue - For both of you!

 

Anyway, what is it that you'd like to happen?

[Tara247]

Gary, I'm glad you like the idea of marriage counseling. If you get a good therapist, I really think it would be beneficial. We all have the capacity to forgive, although it's not easy (I'm struggling with forgiveness myself). I would really like to see a happy ending for you, and I hope that you can find your way back to your wife, if that is what you find that you want.

[BetrayedH]

That's a great idea Tara and I was thinking that it was necessary to have MC during our separation myself. I haven't brought that up to her yet but I know she will agree to it.

 

Good.

 

She has repeatedly told me and I am convinced by now that the reason why she had the affair was because I was becoming so cold/distant to her and she took that as me falling out of love with her.

 

I think this is a fundamental issue. Do you believe this reason? Is it forgivable to you?

 

She says she was really stupid to resort to what she did. She just wanted the pain to go away and instead blindly and regretfully walked into her affair.

 

From what I've seen, WSs have affairs because of something broken within them: an excessive need for external validation, an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, or they may be severely conflict avoidant. Major life events (pregnancy, military service) can also be factors. If she understands why she would make such a decision, maybe she can avoid using that coping mechanism in the future and perhaps you would feel more trust in her. Her understand her "why" is typically important to a BS. If any of these are the reason for her affair, are they forgivable?

 

And you're right, 2.5 months is a lot worse than just 1 night. In fact, I probably wouldn't be here right now had her screw up been only 1 night.

 

No doubt. I sure wished that my wife's affair had "just" been a drunken one-night stand. I can also say that those BSs feel just as much pain as we do. My wife's affair wasn't one night. It sucks. It's an acceptable dealbreaker.

 

The only thing I regret on my part was neglecting her more and more as the time passed during those months she was having the affair. BUT, again, I'm certainly not making any excuses for her actions. Instead of feeling neglected and unloved by me, my wife should have come up to me and expressed her feelings and thoughts. Something as easy as "hey hun, I've been feeling really horrible about us for a while now and I just want to have a talk with you about it" would have caught my attention right away. Instead, she decided to bury her sorrows with another man.

 

Yep. Not your fault. She had an obligation to either fix the marriage or leave it. Instead, she chose another option. It probably violates her own standards. She called it, stupid. Why would she do that? I think most agree that there's a lack of courage in a wayward spouse when it comes to dealing with marital problems. I think your summary was on the money.

 

According to her, she is still madly in love with me and even more in love since this ordeal has occurred. She says she can't picture being with another man for the rest of her life and that's not just said to me for show but to the people who know about our situation.

 

I would say that this seems pretty positive all around.

 

But that's what kills me. Knowing that she loved/loves me THAT much and still felt betrayed, lost, whatever she was feeling, to run away from our problems and deal with them with the way she did.

 

Why would she do that if she loved you? She said because she felt you didn't love her anymore. Is that legit? Why she did it is a recurring theme.

 

She lives a pretty luxurious lifestyle, I'll admit that. But even though I bring in the majority of our family's income (about 75% of it), she still makes about $175K on her own so the money and lifestyle is not why she's still sticking around for our marriage. In fact, she would probably get a lot more to play with if we divorced but she has made it clear that she doesn't want that. She's a very smart woman when it comes to money. Knows how to save and invest but live a nice and happy life as well. She doesn't need me to do any of that.

 

Ok, she not doing it for money. That's good.

 

I know, I know and I hate her for indirectly depriving me of sex just because she decided to have it elsewhere with another man. It's not a big deal for her though. She will hold out as long as she has to if it means saving our marriage so I guess I'm in this disparity by myself.

 

She most certainly does want to have sex and it's a legitimate sacrifice on her part if she's going to wait for you. She gets huge props in my book if she follows thru, especially if you sleep with someone else. That's a legitimate dealbreaker on your part. You should not expect her to stick around if you sleep around.

 

And I agree about nothing good coming out of it. All I can think about when I imagine us having sex is me neglecting her well-being and possibly inflicting some unintentional pain on her during sex. And I'm not that type of guy to just be thinking about my needs and not hers. I've always been a very sensual lover with her and always fulfilled her needs.

 

But I think at this point, there would be no emotional attachment on my end, just a purely physical mechanism. And that makes me afraid that I will just resort to "rough" sex rooted by lustful bliss AND personal anger. That's not what I want no matter how much I long for that intimacy I want.

 

If you're truly going to punish her, you might want to avoid sex. A little crazy talk going on there on your part. But what I hear is that you would enjoy some intimacy with your wife. My first instinct is to tell you that it's not a crime to want to have sex with your wife or to actually do so. Perhaps both of you could use a good dose of oldfashioned reconnective sex. I bet that wouldn't suck so bad. Don't use her or abuse her but if you want to have intimate sex with your wife, it ain't a crime.

 

Some good and some bad in there, Gary. I think you can take your time making your decision but some of your options will limit your options. If you sleep with someone else, you'll have to respect her decision if she decides to divorce. I think you separate if you feel it's necessary but I would be reserved about the decision to sleep with someone else and inadvertently throw in the towel on your marriage when you seem undecided. I feel for you.

[2sunny]

My best suggestion is to have your own space for a while to give yourself time to process what your priorities will be for the future.

 

No one says you need to be in a hurry.

 

Marriage counseling should help your healing - whether you stay together or not.

[2sunny]

And my gut says you're way off the mark on " why she did it".

 

You need the real reason - one that doesn't place the blame on you.

 

SHE did it - she needs to find out what is so broken inside her that she would hurt someone she loved with such a selfish and disrespectful act. It's all on her. She could have told you how she felt - or that she was thinking of cheating... But she didn't! For that alone - you should be damn mad at her!

 

She shattered all the trust you thought you had.

 

Repairing it is up to her to do all the heavy lifting - she needs to dig deep as to what is broken inside her.

 

You can't do that for her.

[Saba]

I think you should really reconsider discussing your want to take other sexual partners. I know it would be very difficult but wouldn't it be great to come to a decision about your relationship with your wife (divorcing or reconciling) without adding any other difficult factors into the mix?

[Tara247]

Some good and some bad in there, Gary. I think you can take your time making your decision but some of your options will limit your options. If you sleep with someone else, you'll have to respect her decision if she decides to divorce. I think you separate if you feel it's necessary but I would be reserved about the decision to sleep with someone else and inadvertently throw in the towel on your marriage when you seem undecided. I feel for you.

 

BetrayedH, can you help me out with this?^^^He hasn't decided if he wants to restore the marriage yet. They are going to seperate. You know what his wife has done, so why can't he sleep with someone else? Do you ascribe to the "two wrongs don't make a right" notion? I do understand that, and I also believe that adultery is wrong and a sin too. However, if he did decide to do it, she has it coming. She violated the marriage vows when she committed adultery. I don't think he should use another woman though. If he does have sex with another woman, that woman should know the ground rules so that she doesn't become attached to him.

[BetrayedH]

BetrayedH, can you help me out with this?^^^He hasn't decided if he wants to restore the marriage yet. They are going to seperate. You know what his wife has done, so why can't he sleep with someone else? Do you ascribe to the "two wrongs don't make a right" notion? I do understand that, and I also believe that adultery is wrong and a sin too. However, if he did decide to do it, she has it coming. She violated the marriage vows when she committed adultery. I don't think he should use another woman though. If he does have sex with another woman, that woman should know the ground rules so that she doesn't become attached to him.

 

I suppose I could agree that she has it coming. I'm pretty familiar with the argument about balance. It's not that he would be "wrong" for finding solace with another woman.

 

But that doesn't mean that his wife won't be broken up, have her own mind movies and trust issues. And considering how difficult reconciliation can be, his wife may decide to throw in the towel, regardless of what she says today about waiting for him. He may be limiting his options by exercising his rights. If he does sleep with someone else, she could easily decide that she's done. They would have both slept with other people, hurt one another, and if even if the whole thing is her fault, she may still decide that it's irrecoverable. Gary is flriting with this possibility and just needs to understand the choice that's in front of him. He can be right and still lose. Whether it's fair or not won't matter if she files for divorce and Gary decides that he wants to reconcile. I'm just advising that he not limit his options without understanding that he is doing so.

[road]

"She has repeatedly told me and I am convinced by now that the reason why she had the affair was because I was becoming so cold/distant to her and she took that as me falling out of love with her."

 

This is bad she has you thinking is was your fault WW had sex with OM.

 

"2.5 months is a lot worse than just 1 night. In fact, I probably wouldn't be here right now had her screw up been only 1 night. "

 

You believe it was only 1 night? When a WW admits to 1 it's a whole lot more. You need to schedule a poly test for your WW and tell her the date. She'll complain. You say you need peace of mind to confirm that the whole truth has been told. Usual WW response is to trickle truth the day before the test to get you to cancel the test so she does not have to reveal all.

 

"According to her, she is still madly in love with me and even more in love since this ordeal has occurred. She says she can't picture being with another man for the rest of her life and that's not just said to me for show but to the people who know about our situation. But that's what kills me. Knowing that she loved/loves me THAT much and still felt betrayed, lost, whatever she was feeling, to run away from our problems and deal with them with the way she did."

 

Because she does not want to give up a BH that makes $525,000 a year.

 

"She lives a pretty luxurious lifestyle, I'll admit that. But even though I bring in the majority of our family's income (about 75% of it), she still makes about $175K on her own so the money and lifestyle is"

 

You know how many women wished their H's earned $175,000? Average household income is $50,025. That means a husband and wife both busting their butts everyday.

 

"I know, I know and I hate her for indirectly depriving me of sex just because she decided to have it elsewhere with another man."

 

The only thing you have right. But you have to work through that and you will as your WW shows you she is remorseful and provides you access to verify NC.

 

"It's not a big deal for her though."

 

This means she is not being truly remorseful. As shown by blaming you for her sleeping with the OM.

 

You need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

[Gman95670]

 

 

I had found out that he was about 2 inches bigger than I was, that they had oral and anal sex, that she swallowed his semen a couple of times, that they had gone from condoms to no condoms, that they had sex in his backyard once, and that his son had walked in on them one day in the bedroom. I found out a lot more that that but these are the things that have seemed to stay in my mind this entire time. I felt sick to my stomach when I heard all this and got very light-headed. I could tell she wasn’t taking it so well because of me and started tearing up again and apologizing over and over again. Why I asked those things I’ll never know but it seemed like a good idea so that I wouldn’t be in the dark anymore about what they had done. Like ripping off a band-aid, I’d be able to just move on from that.

 

 

My guess is this is the root to your current problem. You may subconsciously be thinking your wife thought Rick was a better lover and/or had better equipment. If I understand your story correctly, you haven't touched her since D day but did have sex with a friend during your four-month separation. Sounds like you have no performance issues but can't or won't connect with your wife.

 

I believe having sex with your wife may help you get past this stage and allow you to move on towards R. She seems to want you. Maybe it's time to so called "reclaim her"? At least, this could/should be discussed in IC or MC.

[Tara247]

I suppose I could agree that she has it coming. I'm pretty familiar with the argument about balance. It's not that he would be "wrong" for finding solace with another woman.

 

But that doesn't mean that his wife won't be broken up, have her own mind movies and trust issues. And considering how difficult reconciliation can be, his wife may decide to throw in the towel, regardless of what she says today about waiting for him. He may be limiting his options by exercising his rights. If he does sleep with someone else, she could easily decide that she's done. They would have both slept with other people, hurt one another, and if even if the whole thing is her fault, she may still decide that it's irrecoverable. Gary is flriting with this possibility and just needs to understand the choice that's in front of him. He can be right and still lose. Whether it's fair or not won't matter if she files for divorce and Gary decides that he wants to reconcile. I'm just advising that he not limit his options without understanding that he is doing so.

 

Thanks, BetrayedH.

[Realist3]

My guess is this is the root to your current problem. You may subconsciously be thinking your wife thought Rick was a better lover and/or had better equipment. If I understand your story correctly, you haven't touched her since D day but did have sex with a friend during your four-month separation. Sounds like you have no performance issues but can't or won't connect with your wife.

 

I believe having sex with your wife may help you get past this stage and allow you to move on towards R. She seems to want you. Maybe it's time to so called "reclaim her"? At least, this could/should be discussed in IC or MC.

 

 

I agree with this. Forget about what they did. She loves you and it ain't about penis size.

[Just a Guy]

I guess this discussion is going no where. To my mind it boils down to just a choice between two possibilities. If you feel strongly enough about reconciliation then go ahead and reconcile and put all other thoughts out of your mind. Not easy I agree but better than sitting on the fence. If you are unsure that you want to reconcile and are tormented by mind movies and disrupting thoughts then take the decision to divorce and move on. Right now you are just stewing in your own juice and getting no where. Bite the bullet as they say and move on rather than stagnating in an unhealthy situation.

 

I guess one of your problems is that your ego is acting as a big barrier in your being able to reconcile. If that is so then you have to make a choice between ego and reconciling with your wife. What ever you choose do it quickly and decisively and move forward. You have already wasted a lot of your precious time wallowing in possible self pity. I wish you the best in what ever you choose.

[BetrayedH]

I guess this discussion is going no where. To my mind it boils down to just a choice between two possibilities. If you feel strongly enough about reconciliation then go ahead and reconcile and put all other thoughts out of your mind. Not easy I agree but better than sitting on the fence. If you are unsure that you want to reconcile and are tormented by mind movies and disrupting thoughts then take the decision to divorce and move on. Right now you are just stewing in your own juice and getting no where. Bite the bullet as they say and move on rather than stagnating in an unhealthy situation.

 

I guess one of your problems is that your ego is acting as a big barrier in your being able to reconcile. If that is so then you have to make a choice between ego and reconciling with your wife. What ever you choose do it quickly and decisively and move forward. You have already wasted a lot of your precious time wallowing in possible self pity. I wish you the best in what ever you choose.

 

I respectfully disagree. Why do it quickly and decisively? This man has a lot of his time and life wrapped up in this woman already. A few more weeks or months of trying to determine the right course of action is nothing in the grand scheme of things. He needs to make the right decision for himself and his family and there is NO time pressure on him to decide quickly except whatever he puts on himself. Many times the problem is that we want a quick solution. But there isn't one. Period. We pay a heavy price for their cheating and he will continue to be negatively affected by it, probably for years, regardless of whether he reconciles or divorces. The key is to STOP pressuring yourself to decide and right now Gary just wants the mind movies to stop. They ain't gonna. They do the crime and we do the time. Now, taking enough time to get the emotions out of the equation and decision-making process, that is the trick.

[drifter777]

This:

 

My guess is this is the root to your current problem. You may subconsciously be thinking your wife thought Rick was a better lover and/or had better equipment. If I understand your story correctly, you haven't touched her since D day but did have sex with a friend during your four-month separation. Sounds like you have no performance issues but can't or won't connect with your wife.

 

I believe having sex with your wife may help you get past this stage and allow you to move on towards R. She seems to want you. Maybe it's time to so called "reclaim her"? At least, this could/should be discussed in IC or MC.

Coupled with this:

I agree with this. Forget about what they did. She loves you and it ain't about penis size.

Is easily the worst advice I've ever seen on LS.

[Gman95670]

This:

 

 

Coupled with this:

 

Is easily the worst advice I've ever seen on LS.

 

There is more than one way to skin a cat. If this were science, we could all follow a single approach and pretty much know it is right. However, this is not science. Given the circumstances presented, my statement was made to try to help resolve a problem as I see it, not as you see it.

 

It is up to the wronged party to chart his course. I wish him luck.

[road]

This:

 

 

Coupled with this:

 

Is easily the worst advice I've ever seen on LS.

 

I agree with this. Forget about what they did. She loves you and it ain't about penis size.

 

 

Feelings and recovery can not happen if you move out and separate so don't.

 

You not ready to be physical with your WW. So you do not make to love. Just have sex. The conection has been broken between you and your WW.

 

You may not be able or ready to repair the emotional connection. Though you can attempt to repair the phyiscal connection for now.

 

You both get tested for STD's then go at.

 

You remember the OM has a bigger equipment then you.

 

You forget to remember Three important facts. That his big gun was not enough for WW to drop the OM. Confess the affair to you when you had no clue. That WW choose you over the OM.

 

Remember this your WW could of just ended her affair with the OM and never told you.

 

Remember that you are jepordizing your kids future. Statistics have shown that kids from a broken home have problems that carry onto adult hood and into their own marriages an affairs of their own. Break the cycle for them.

 

Is is better to throw away a long term marriage for a short affair.

 

Your WW is the kind every BH wants. She confessed. Did not trickle truth. Shows remorse and is willing to do the work to recover.

 

The only thing I don't like is that your WW still works where the OM is a client.

 

Either the OM drops doing business with the place WW works or WW has to find a new employer.

[Mr. Lucky]

It is up to the wronged party to chart his course. I wish him luck.

Agreed. I'd guess that, based on his feelings and her availablity, sexual contact will happen (they are still man and wife, right?). It will be interesting to see how that affects the OP's decision making and resolve...

 

Mr. Lucky

[worldgonewrong]

It's also possible that she is truly remorseful, has learned from her tragic mistakes, and will never cheat again. Tough to tell the future.

 

Perhaps.

But to me the desecration of the marriage, like that, is too much.

Take a parallel example:

 

A teacher has an affair with a student; he/she is arrested, charged, etc.

He/she is truly remorseful and claims to have learned from their mistakes.

Do you trust them ever again to be in the presence of students?

Hell no.

It's such a deep breech of trust, an unholy violation, that (to me, again) one can eventually forgive but cannot misplace their trust in that offending person again.

[worldgonewrong]

I guess one of your problems is that your ego is acting as a big barrier in your being able to reconcile. If that is so then you have to make a choice between ego and reconciling with your wife.

 

I disagree with this.

Ego, to a certain extent, is everything. Healthy egos, I should emphasize.

Without ego, we just roll over & let stuff happen to us and sort of accept our lots in life...OR, with healthy ego in check, we pursue what we really want out of life, with a doggedness -- things like happiness, trust, fidelity, honesty, etc. Ego can dictate a healthy outcome too.

 

The alternative presented above is, basically, swallow hard and reconcile without giving a thought to one's own dignity and self-respect which has already been shredded to bits by her infidelity.

 

The question that nobody is addressing head-on here is: what is in it for HIM if reconciliation is pursued? Her words? A lifetime of her being an 'open book' now (i.e. showing him phone bills, credit card receipts, and all that happy horse sh-t?)? The peace of mind that he is 'the bigger person' in all of this mess? Gaaaah.

[meandmyself]

Hello Gary,

 

I am new to this forum but I have taken the time to read all the post from this thread and I would like to add some lines I hope will help you.

 

First at all I would like to say that what your wife has done is horrible, having an affair with someone else is already very bad specially with it was not only one time but having the level of intimacy that someone need to get to do all the things you describe ( drinking his sperma, anal sex, etc)... would be for me a deciding factor. I would never be able to live with the idea of my wife having someone else sperma in her mouth, wtf was she thinking????

How can you respect your husband and do that kind of things with another man? Just regular sex would have been very bad but we are speaking about a f...king porn movie...

 

Don't get me wrong, I can see by your posts (even when you don't realize about it) that what you really want is to be able to forgive her and to be with her as you still love her. I still think if you really love her and you think she is your life mate you should try it, not for her, not even for your daughters, but for yourself as you will find that is more difficult to be without the person that you love that forgive.

 

Having said that I can assure you I would not be able to forgive and less to forget... I don't know if I am helping you at all as probably my post seems chaotic and give you different directions but after reading all what happened in your life I am disheartened. I wish you could be happy with her but one part of me knows I could never accept what she has done to you..

 

I wish you good luck and I hope for will be happy in the future although I think you will pass trough a series of challenges in the near future (if you stay with her you will be punished with the mental movies of what happened and if you leave her you will miss her because I can see you still love her) In any case your wife with her selfish act has destroyed your short term future. I wish your long term future will include a lot of happiness.