Trouble getting past details of my wife's affair

[sadguy82]

In regards to contacting the OM, Here is my story...

 

When my wife was 19 10 years ago, she had a 3 month fling with a 24 y/o guy who was also in a relationship. She had the respect for me to tell me about him before she did the dirt. But after she told me about him she also said she would not talk to him anymore....

 

Long story short a couple months later she seemed more confused then ever and a bit withdrawn and sad. She tried to break up with me again and then I realized she was guilty of something and she admitted he was still around but she absolutely wants nothing to do with him. I comforted her without asking her a thing and told her I will be with her no matter what. She didn't leave me and she got pregnant a few months later by me no denying that lol. All her sadness went away and she seemed relieved. I figured he was totally out of the picture and I was right.

 

10 years goes by and I asked her about him a few times but she always denied doing anything with him. I didn't believe her because I had been carrying around the feelings of denial and the things I remembered that didn't line up. Curiosity was killing me so I logged onto good ol' Facebook and looked this punk up.

 

I noticed right off the bat he was officially divorced as his profile stated. He also had a lot of perverted and immature posts. I thought immediately there is no way this guy didn't bang my girl. I found out everything about this guy over the course of a few weeks. I confronted my wife with no hostility and she spilled the beans finally... (She had not spoken to him in 10 years) She told me after she slept with him the relationship went bad. She was and is not that type of person and found out the hard way. She had him drive her back to her car that night and only spoke to him a couple times after very briefly.

 

I felt the need to give him a piece of my mind. I also contacted his ex wife who he was dating at the time he got my girl caught up in his cheating ways.(That's a whole nother story haha) I send him some rather rude but well thought out messages on facebook. Though I didn't blame him entirely...I mean she was the one who let it happen but I still felt he was a contributing factor in confusing her with whats real life and what people are supposed to do in fantasy land. I shamed him pretty bad and let him know karma is why he is divorced and can't see his kid everyday.

 

After a few messages he finally replied back and stated that while my messages were rather rude and immature that I'm correct in my statements. He apologized and matched up her story. I was wrong for doing that to your relationship. I made her think things she wouldn't for my own personal gain etc etc... I hurt a lot of people blah blah blah I never responded to him. I felt like I got my point across. Now he has to also live with the feeling of not being liked by my girl either and that what he did was not good enough to keep her going.(He obviously knew that anyway because she never talked to him again. But it confirms those thoughts when and if he ever thinks of her).

 

In conclusion I felt good about it...But a decade also went by and I was able to use karma as revenge. Much sweeter then me finding out 10 years ago and me just beating this guy down and for what...His life sucks now because he was a serial cheater and i was able to use that against him. Wait a while keep up with this guys life. If he gets the bug in a couple years you can tell him it's from banging other guys wife in the @$$ while he thinks he's a big shot and laugh at him for any type of bad situation he is in haha.

 

But coming at him now will do nothing but land you in cuffs and hell be laughing at you when he sends you the bill for his new teeth. Your wife wont find it too attractive either. She made a mistake she was having a little too much fun with a "friend" and went too far. She snapped out of it and is re-dedicating her life to you. And she lets you plug her butt so I would just let it go. And don't go the revenge affair route either. She will the no longer feel sorry for you and the tables will be turned. Good luck getting your life back on track.

[jnj express]

Hey gary---it doesn't really matter what any of us think---you know the details of what happened---

 

this is your life---and you have to decide---what you can and can't handle, for a future

 

Your decision, needs to be based on what is best for you---your kids factor in 2nd---your wife, comes last---as in if it were not for what she did---we wouldn't be here at all

 

If you can live with her, knowing what she did---no matter what she actually professes to you, about love---then you can try to R---but if you do---there needs to be some strong boundaries, and consequences in place

 

Your wife left your children unprotected till 3 a m ---just so she could have some sex---she had sex out in a backyard---she had unprotected sex---she was totally irresponsible, and thought nothing of you, and her children----no matter what she professes---these things are locked into your sub-conscious and they won't go away anytime soon-----that is the truth of the matter---can you handle those type of visions, and memories

 

Again---your future is based on what you can, and are willing to handle

[garyfromla]

I like the way you handled yourself after finding out about her affair. Leaving her with her decision was the right thing to do. Thinking it over, I'm curious about a few things.

 

- During Your time apart, what did she do with her free time?

 

- Did she pursue you?

 

- Did she address whatever lurked under her skin allowing her to open up to an affair?

 

- Now that you are back, does she understand that your love and history brought you back once, but this is a one shot chance?

 

I truly hope she becomes a better person. I hope she finds out why deep down she was capable of being so selfish, indulgent, and destructive.

 

Sorry for taking too long to get back.

 

During our time apart, she mostly went about living her normal life with some added temporary depression stemming from what she did and how it affected me.

 

She pursued me once during that separation but I told her I needed some space so our contact during the separation was minimized to phone calls/texts after that. She does understand that this was a huge second chance for her to redeem herself and is taking a lot of initiative to make that second chance work better than the first time around.

[garyfromla]

I think the OP made the right intuitive decision when he left in the first place. He came back to her because he was depressed and lonely, which is completely understandable on the emotional level, but doesn't change what happened.

 

What was going on between OP's wife and rick during the four month separation?

 

What are the odds that the affair started when the wife claims it did, or that it ended when OP left?

 

I would have been totally insulted to be told that my wife loved me even though she was miserable--but was happy with the OM--but was choosing me anyway, like it was some huge sacrifice to remain miserably with her husband, she should be treated like a martyr?

 

It sounds like the tears she is crying is because she can't have rick anymore, not because she is sad for cheating on her husband.

 

You brought up a lot of great points in your previous posts Doug but I have to tell you that she is not as manipulative as you think she is. That was absolutely her first and only time she cheated and she truly was upset when she confessed. She had no ulterior motive to confess to me about the affair other than her guilt and realization that she made a huge mistake.

 

The whole miserable with me than happy with him thing was read out of context too and I apologize for that. She didn't mean that that was the situation at hand with us. She was figuratively saying that she would be willing to have her once in a while bad times with the man she loves (me) other than not run into any drama with a man she doesn't love (him). I worded it poorly and I apologize for that.

[Artie Lang]

so, have you confronted this POS?

 

i'm not talking about it getting physical... just to let him know you have no qualms about facing him, should he cross the line again, that's all.

[garyfromla]

so, have you confronted this POS?

 

i'm not talking about it getting physical... just to let him know you have no qualms about facing him, should he cross the line again, that's all.

 

No not yet but I really want to soon. I'm not sure why a lot of people are against me contacting the OM but that kind of worries me.

[utterer of lies]

No not yet but I really want to soon. I'm not sure why a lot of people are against me contacting the OM but that kind of worries me.

 

Because he is in a position of power against you, he might feel angry or hurt that your wife isn't his f*ckslave anymore and will likely take this out on you. Or maybe he just wants to gloat. or he feels guilty about what happened but isn't ready to confront his own part in this. In any case, he will be under a lot of stress, you will be, and that makes it hard that good things will come from that.

 

And you don't know what she told him about you, but you can be sure his image of you will be quite distorted.

 

Even in the unlikely case that he tries to be helpful, there is still that fact that you can win nothing from contacting him, but lose a lot.

Edited October 7, 2012 by utterer of lies

[road]

No not yet but I really want to soon. I'm not sure why a lot of people are against me contacting the OM but that kind of worries me.

 

 

Confronting is not going to end the affair that has happened.

 

Confronting is not going to stop OM from sneaking behind your back to restart the PA for he did that before and can again.

 

Exposure is what needed to be done. A full exposure on OM side, family, friends, his FaceBook, work, every where. You just made him have to face consequences that made doing your WW not worth it.

 

Confronting is not going to get the OM to be truthful. Just because an OM tells you what happened during the PA only means he was lucky and said the same things your WW said or WW planed with OM matched their stories beforehand.

 

OM apologizes means nothing. Soon as he hangs up the phone he laughs his ass off because you believed him.

 

Even if you can beat up OM, he goes to hospital, you to jail, he sues you. He banged your WW now he's banging your wallet.

 

Then if thought you could kick his ass instead you became the kickee. OM banged your WW penis then OM banged your face with his fists.

 

Outside of a full exposure there is nothing you can do to a OM. OM did not care about BH's, WW's, breaking up families, children of the marriage.

[Artie Lang]

who said anything about "beating him up?"

 

gary should take his power back from this scumbag! let him know that his wife has told him EVERYTHING. that he can expose him for what he really is- a POS.

 

threaten this f*cker with full exposure, is what i'm getting at.

 

at least he'll(OM) know that he won't be allowed to come sniffing around his wife anymore, because gary is vigilant now. that's what i meant.

 

i don't know why people are so afraid of "putting a little scare" into these POS. no violence is necessary.....it's all psychological. you make that f*cker look behind his shoulder from now on.

 

 

you do what you need to do to move on, gary. if that entails communicating this with him, then so be it!

Edited October 7, 2012 by Artie Lang

[jnj express]

Hey gary----- there is absolutely No reason whatsoever to talk to/have any contact with your wife's lover----no matter what any one else says

 

As far as YOU are concerned there is only ONE person respnsible for and involved in this A., and that is your WIFE

 

If your wife had not agreed and gone along with what her lover proposed/participated in with her---WE WOULD NOT BE HERE TO DAY AT ALL---she and only she is where your beef lies---it is her that is responsible for ALL of this

 

Leave her lover alone----yes he is lowlife scum----but it was/is up to your wife and your wife ONLY to control her actions, and what she does----in re: her life

 

In this case it is your wife who CHOSE TO PARTICIPATE---her lover could have given her the moon, stars, and offer her anything under the sun---and at every step of the way she could have/should have said NO

[karnak]

The only way I could see yhat it's beneficial to confront the OM is to wether or not certify that all his wife told him is true.

 

The other guy could possibly have a view of her that the husband doesn't even dream about.

[NotCamelot]

I would encourage some kind of contact with her AP. It could "clear up" some things for you.

 

IME, I did contact the OM. It allowed me to vent complete anger, frustration, disgust at him. It also answered some things my wife had not told me and confirmed some things she did say.

 

He apologized repeatedly and told me many times that he regretted what he/they had done. He begged for forgiveness from me.

 

I have not given him answeres yet.

 

But, the point is, it may be good for you to do this. It will put a real person in the picture instead of a "figure". Either way, I think it helps to bring closure for you. I found, in my case, it helped me to see that it really was over between them. I read many times that this alone is worth the contact with the WS' AP.

[HappyAtLast]

I think, Gary, that you need to do whatever you needs to do to make yourself feel better (in a non-violent way of course).

 

The thing you need to consider though, is that this encounter actually may make you feel worse (especially since you are trying to reconcile). You may hear things that really don't help your situation at all. Or worse, depending on this particular other man, he obviously has no motivation to help you, so who knows what sort of things he may or may not say and if they will or will not be true.

 

The only real reason to do this is to say your piece and if you truly believe that it will help you to attain some closure.

[2sunny]

What counseling has she been doing?

[seibert253]

If you feel the need to confront the OM, then be true to thyself.

 

I never confronted the OM, though a couple of buds did. I think they got my point across loud and clear.

[Rocket Man]

It sounds to me and to you as well that she felt very bad for what happened and couldn't live with it anymore and that is why she told you. Its not that he dumped her. He would have kept it going as long as possible. He's not going to turn that away, comon. Give him payback by exposing him and financially hitting him. Sounds like he's all into the money and possesions. That would hurt him. I would advise to not touch him yourself. You would end up in jail and then in a law suit. I would, however, pay a couple of guys to beat the hell out of him. As they break a couple of ribs have them tell him "that is what happens when you go after another man's wife." This beat down is for your piece of mind Gary. I would advise you to never tell anyone about it either. Take that beat down secret to your grave. Do not tell your wife. She would not approve I'm sure. I think that is the only satisfaction you would really get from the other guy. Financial and physical pain. It sounds terrible, but so is the affair. I'd make sure his arms were broken and he had to carry his balls in a paper bag. I think you and your wife can over come this and get it worked out. I doubt she will ever want to go down that road again. Good luck!

[Artie Lang]

^well, that's one way to go about it.

 

 

seriously, though.....as a man protecting my "interests," you better believe i'm gonna confront the SOB who participated in this predicament. not to hurt him per se, but to give him a piece of my mind. let him know i'm not afraid to face/confront the thorn in my side. let him know i'm not just gonna "roll over."

 

just my take on it.

[karnak]

If you really want to confront the guy, then bring your wife along.

 

That way you can know FOR SURE everything about their relationship and wether it's really over or not.

[garyfromla]

I think, Gary, that you need to do whatever you needs to do to make yourself feel better (in a non-violent way of course).

 

The thing you need to consider though, is that this encounter actually may make you feel worse (especially since you are trying to reconcile). You may hear things that really don't help your situation at all. Or worse, depending on this particular other man, he obviously has no motivation to help you, so who knows what sort of things he may or may not say and if they will or will not be true.

 

The only real reason to do this is to say your piece and if you truly believe that it will help you to attain some closure.

 

Very good point but I'm not contemplating contacting him for just some closure. I would be ok with hearing his side but not looking forward to it at the moment. My wanting to talk to the OM is to set it straight that he will not come into contact with my wife again. I told my wife she had my permission to let him know herself but she said wants to completely shut him out of her life and therefore does not want to say a word to him.

 

I guess I forgot to mention to you guys in my original post that he is still a client under my wife's firm. There is no way she or the firm can/will release him as a client because he has fulfilled his financial obligations time and time again and his business dealings are an asset. She had transferred his portfolios to another CPA within the firm a month into our separation to take care of his dealings from now on but he's bound to run into my wife at the office in the future.

 

No, he hasn't come into contact with my wife at work since she ended the affair surprisingly but I know it is inevitable.

[garyfromla]

What counseling has she been doing?

 

One of my wife's college friends returned to LA about a year ago after nearly 5 years of living in NY. Her friend is a counseling psychologist specializing in couples therapy. A couple of weeks after I had called her and told her I was thinking about reconciliation, she got in touch with her friend and explained what was going on and her friend immediately offered her help.

 

From the only time I had talked to her friend about my wife's therapy progress, it seemed she was making huge strides to better our situation. This was about 1 month ago. Her friend told me that even though she's my wife and had her permission to share, she wasn't going to divulge too many details about their discussions and exercises but that she had made improvements in a lot of areas. The one thing she did bring up though is that my wife was seeking help on how to handle our oldest daughter's curiosity in her mother's affair. Both of our daughters have forgiven her even though there is a certain degree of coldness between the three of them but they are re-building their tight bond.

 

But according to her friend via my wife, our oldest daughter seems to be prying into my wife about her affair to probably highlight her mother's stupid actions and to 'redefine her identity' due to some leftover resentment according to my wife's friend. I have no clue how to approach that honestly. My wife has been seeing her friend once a week since the week she asked for her help.

[garyfromla]

If you really want to confront the guy, then bring your wife along.

 

That way you can know FOR SURE everything about their relationship and wether it's really over or not.

 

I know that it's officially over from a couple of reasons. At least on her end. I'm not sure what he thinks even though she ended it with him. She has not seen or heard from him since she ended it so she nor I have an idea of what he may be thinking.

 

I already know everything I need to know and trust me, the details I know alone assure me that she told me EVERYTHING. So I don't think I need her to be there for that reason if I do plan on meeting and talking to him. Regardless, she has refused to say a word to him even though I let her tell him to officially stay away (again) after she ended it with him before so I doubt she would even think about being there. Plus, her friend suggested against her being there if I go and talk to the guy.

[2sunny]

And how do YOU feel about your wife's progress?

 

How has her changes affected how YOU feel about her?

[Mr. Lucky]

Our marriage has been superb for the most part. We have loved each other more and more throughout the years and have truly been best friends throughout our marriage.

This is the part that would truly terrify me. When my ex cheated on me many years ago we truly had a lousy marriage. No communication, no friendship and little sex or attraction. Really, our son was the only thing keeping us together. So, once I got over the anger, her infidelity made a twisted kind of sense. She wanted something better than the toxic dance we were stuck with.

 

But your marriage was largely "superb". Let's says you're romanticizing slightly and it was only "good". As you work on rebuilding the relationship, that's the desired destination - get back to "good". Except that, at least for her, "good" wasn't enough to keep her home.

 

And that's what would scare me to death. It seems entirely out of your control and probably has little to do with the relationship. Someone in a decent marriage that commits the acts you described does so for their own reasons. And until or unless she - and you - understands what those reasons are, I don't like your chances...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

So she cheats when it's a good M - what might she do when it's not good? Or have you been deceived or not informed about how it was great or not great...?

 

Maybe you didn't recognize that it wasn't great?

 

 

Maybe she was unwilling to be honest with you IF she felt it wasn't great?

 

You have some things to determine - really... How did SHE view your M when she decided to cheat? Because IF she thought it was good/great and she STILL cheated - your M has bigger issues than you think.

[Douchbag]

One of my wife's college friends returned to LA about a year ago after nearly 5 years of living in NY. Her friend is a counseling psychologist specializing in couples therapy. A couple of weeks after I had called her and told her I was thinking about reconciliation, she got in touch with her friend and explained what was going on and her friend immediately offered her help. Do you really think that is a good idea? Friends are notorious bad adviser´s.There is a reason you go to a natural.IC/MC.. I would strongly recommend to switch IC.

 

Just remember she is your wife´s friend.Not your´s