Trouble getting past details of my wife's affair

[garyfromla]

Have you ever cheated on your wife, before?

 

No, although I have gotten numerous offers from women in the past. Nothing I'm proud of but it's the truth. My wife has always known about other women's advances towards me but always trusted me enough to brush it off, and rightfully so.

 

I want to suggest that what you know now is just a small fraction of what there is to know, and the remainder will be found out in the future.

 

What else is there left for me to find out about? It seems like I've learned and heard more than I can stomach for the rest of my life.

 

If she were so guilty that she broke down to tell you about it, don't you sorta think that this would have happened once or twice, before the guilt was too much?

 

I agree. And not to make any excuses for her because I know she doesn't deserve any but during that time, we had fights constantly. All the time, we would have explosive arguments that allowed me to keep shutting her out and making her feel like crap.

 

BUT, again, I don't buy that as an excuse. If she felt that little and horrible because of my reactions toward her, she should have been honest and told me about it. After all, that's what married couples do. Expose problems and look for ways to solve them.

 

It's possible she's cheated before. It's very possible, given all the affair information I've seen in the past, that your wife knew you were about to find out about the affair from someone else (e.g. the other man, a family friend who saw them together, or ________) and so "broke down" and confessed. Very often, someone will threaten the affair partner with exposure to get them to end the affair.

 

She hasn't cheated any other time. No red flags in the past and our marriage was truly great before a year and a half ago. She confessed out of a guilty conscience.

 

No one was going to expose him or her. I would find that to be a likely scenario if the OM was married but he wasn't. And I can't see anyone giving that much of a damn to threaten her like that before coming to me first.

[beenburned]

gary,

 

It is possible she confessed from a guilty conscience, as my H did also many years past our d-day.

 

When he was caught, he said it was the only time he had ever been unfaithful.

In reality, it was his 3rd short term sexual fling with young single OW.

 

He said that the guilt and all the lies eventually got to him, to the point he felt like exploding.

 

He also attributed the confession to our extreme and loving closeness in the years following our reconciliation. He didn't want to hide things from me anymore. He wanted to then be more open and honest than he had ever been in the early years of our marriage!

 

The road to total reconciliation is a long slow process. Take your time and don't make any rash decisions that you might regret later on!

 

Best of luck in the path you choose!

[garyfromla]

He said that the guilt and all the lies eventually got to him, to the point he felt like exploding.

 

That's exactly how she described it. Like she couldn't breathe anymore and just wanted to explode.

 

The road to total reconciliation is a long slow process. Take your time and don't make any rash decisions that you might regret later on!

 

Thank you so much for reminding me that. I know that this won't be a quick process and will take time.

[garyfromla]

Can I ask whether you confirmed your wife's version of the affair? Basically Im wondering if her version of the affair resulting from you refusing to cut back on work is the real story.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she cheated longer with the OM and picked fights with you as a result of the affair, which is common.

 

I have confirmed the beginning of the affair and it certainly started after my sudden urge in business dealings for work, not before. She has showed me some texts and emails regarding the affair which verified that her feelings and insecurities stemming from me working too much and the constant fighting as reasons for what started the downfall.

 

She has told me that I could contact the OM on multiple occasions to verify certain details of the affair if I didn't believe her. I made her realize really quickly that I had every right to reserve the ability to do so. She added that I was right, but that she wanted everything out in the open because she was going to be an open book from now on. And if I felt better corroborating her story with the OM, I could do so but she would not take part.

[drifter777]

Just about every BH that comes to LS shortly after d-day follows pretty much the same pattern as you are. Your wife confesses (or get's caught) having an affair. You try to deal with it yourself but find that it is making you crazy and want to know how other people in the same situation have made it though this nightmare and find LS. You are on an emotional roller coaster and I can see from your posts that you are currently in an "up" phase. This happens to many BH's when their wives beg them to stay and swear that they now know how much they really love them. I hope everything your wife is saying and doing right now is real. I hope that she really has ended contact with her OM. I hope that you know everything there is to know; that you don't discover disgusting, hurtful things every few days or weeks that make you feel like you are starting over from square zero. That would be wonderful and you and your wife would have a real chance to reconcile. The thing is, I've never seen it happen this way. Men come to LS looking to end the pain and confusion and maybe even learn some magic way they can accept this thing and make it go away. Obviously, this is ridicules but it's what we're all hoping for.

 

I don't think there is anything we can help you with right now other than simply offer you support. You are not going to listen to any of our advice when you are in this "my wife is now a saint" mode. I mean, how many times are you going to ask "what more can she do" and then tell us again how hard she's working to make it all up to you. I understand what you are saying. I've seen it many times before.

 

I have one question for you: why are you still posting here? Could it be you know she is putting on an act for you and that in your vulnerable state you will believe anything that seems to help stop the hurting? Or maybe you are simply so devastated that you are afraid to face your own feelings right now. Whatever the reason, you are coming here for help because all is not right with your attempt to reconcile and you're looking for help. I'd like to see you stop defending her and focus on your own recovery right now. You can't fix her. You can't fix your marriage alone. You can start working to fix yourself and I wish you would pay as much attention to your own emotional state as you are to hers.

[garyfromla]

Thats good and Im not trying to raise doubts in your mind but when you say affair do you mean the physical aspects or everything. I ask because I have read on here about spouses who basically started a EA with the OM/OW than started picking fights over little things, which ultimately lead to justification to make the EA physical.

 

By affair, I mean the physical because that's what it was, purely physical.

[BetrayedH]

By affair, I mean the physical because that's what it was, purely physical.

 

A woman rarely undertakes an affair that is purely physical, as you call it. An affair for a woman typically means that she has checked out of the marriage and has established an emotional connection with another man. This is very hard for a man to accept and the reason for Drifter's post. You have been thru the most emasculating experience a man can face regardless of your wife's remorse or your desire to forgive. But you are not alone.

[peterbaynosa]

I've been through this, told about an affair that occurred during our engagement, and I was told after we were married. Everything changed at that point. Even my relationship with her family asnthey knew about it the whole time, I was a dupe. I struggle with it everyday.

[Artie Lang]

gary, you stated that this OM was a long-time client of your wife's business.

 

did you ever meet him before the affair occurred?

[turnera]

By affair, I mean the physical because that's what it was, purely physical.

You think your WIFE's affair was purely physical? You're dreaming.

 

You said yourself that it started when you started (1) ignoring her and (2) fighting with her. MEN go look for sex to relieve stress from those two things. WOMEN go look for the emotional connection they're no longer getting from their husband.

[Mr. Lucky]

By affair, I mean the physical because that's what it was, purely physical.

As an outsider, it's interesting to see you justify her affair. You were arguing, you were traveling, it was only "physical". And while I'm not suggesting you should instead be demonizing your WS, I do think that you should take the time and space necessary to make a clear-headed assessment of her actions, both known past and projected future.

 

Her affair was not a rational, normal or conscionable response to the then state of your marriage. So in your mind, one sentence or less, why did she do it ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[garyfromla]

You are not going to listen to any of our advice when you are in this "my wife is now a saint" mode. I mean, how many times are you going to ask "what more can she do" and then tell us again how hard she's working to make it all up to you. I understand what you are saying. I've seen it many times before.

 

Drifter, by no means do I think my wife is a saint whatsoever. If I thought she was a saint, I wouldn't be as pissed off and confused as I am today even though she hasn't given me any new reason to be since I moved back in to our home.

 

Furthermore, I did not come here to ask "what more can my wife do?" I came here to seek some advice on 1. how to rid myself or at least decrease the severity of the details that I'm constantly reminded of and 2. why I'm feeling this urge to have an affair myself to restore the balance in our marriage and to see if any other man has been in that position. If you think I came here to 'brag' about my wife's efforts to kiss my ass and make it up to me and our marriage, you've definitely mistaken.

 

I only posed the question of "what more can my wife do" after a poster stated that she needed to do more in which I sincerely replied with that question. Because I have no clue what more she can do. All I know is that I can do something and right about now, it doesn't seem like a great idea. But I could care less about what else she can do because that is not my concern at the moment.

 

I have one question for you: why are you still posting here? Could it be you know she is putting on an act for you and that in your vulnerable state you will believe anything that seems to help stop the hurting? Or maybe you are simply so devastated that you are afraid to face your own feelings right now. Whatever the reason, you are coming here for help because all is not right with your attempt to reconcile and you're looking for help. I'd like to see you stop defending her and focus on your own recovery right now.

 

I'm here because of the what I stated above. If she is putting on an act, I would have found out by now. If she was putting on a show, she would be the lowest scum and I would divorce her ass in a second. I can be very vindictive at times and she knows that.

 

I will never defend her actions and will always place the blame on her regardless of how she thinks my actions and neglect drove her into another man's bed. There is no excuse and I've stated that time and time again.

 

And focusing on my recovery right now is EXACTLY what I'm doing. That is why I need some help on how to deal with the details of the affair and find out whether or not a little fling of my own will get myself back to normal and stop feeling like I have been jipped.

[garyfromla]

A woman rarely undertakes an affair that is purely physical, as you call it. An affair for a woman typically means that she has checked out of the marriage and has established an emotional connection with another man. This is very hard for a man to accept and the reason for Drifter's post. You have been thru the most emasculating experience a man can face regardless of your wife's remorse or your desire to forgive. But you are not alone.

 

I guess I'm a little confused on the concept of an emotional affair. I assumed an emotional affair is one in which the spouse harbors intimate feelings and love for their lover. In this case, my wife didn't and doesn't so I figured the affair wasn't considered to be emotional.

 

However, I can see it being an emotional affair if you look at it from the perspective of my wife's emotions leading her to have the affair. In other words, if the cause of the affair was emotional motives rather than physical motives, then I can see it being an emotional affair.

 

Maybe I have a convoluted understanding of the definition of an emotional affair, I don't know. But I can say she has told me numerous times that she felt nothing for him. The absence of any emotional ties was the reason she was able to end the affair so easily and abruptly when she finally came to realize how stupid she was.

[garyfromla]

I've been through this, told about an affair that occurred during our engagement, and I was told after we were married. Everything changed at that point. Even my relationship with her family asnthey knew about it the whole time, I was a dupe. I struggle with it everyday.

 

Wow, I'm sorry to hear that my friend. Are you still with her? What was her family's take on her affair? Have you regained more of the trust you once had with her? If you two are still together, do you still bring her infidelity up during certain arguments or something?

[garyfromla]

gary, you stated that this OM was a long-time client of your wife's business.

 

did you ever meet him before the affair occurred?

 

Good question Artie. Man, I just realized that I may have forgotten a lot of little things like that in my original post.

 

We met once but it wasn't through my wife. I was at my wife's firm introducing one of my business partners to another CPA in the firm that was better suited to deal with his kind of work.

 

The other CPA is a guy who I consider to be a good friend. He was, at the time, having a discussion with Rick (OM) when my partner and I walked up to the two of them to say hi.

 

The extent of our encounter was that we got introduced, said a couple of words, and parted ways to continue our business.

[Furious]

Drifter, by no means do I think my wife is a saint whatsoever. If I thought she was a saint, I wouldn't be as pissed off and confused as I am today even though she hasn't given me any new reason to be since I moved back in to our home.

 

Furthermore, I did not come here to ask "what more can my wife do?" I came here to seek some advice on 1. how to rid myself or at least decrease the severity of the details that I'm constantly reminded of and 2. why I'm feeling this urge to have an affair myself to restore the balance in our marriage and to see if any other man has been in that position. If you think I came here to 'brag' about my wife's efforts to kiss my ass and make it up to me and our marriage, you've definitely mistaken.

 

I only posed the question of "what more can my wife do" after a poster stated that she needed to do more in which I sincerely replied with that question.

Because I have no clue what more she can do. All I know is that I can do something and right about now, it doesn't seem like a great idea. But I could care less about what else she can do because that is not my concern at the moment.

 

 

 

I'm here because of the what I stated above. If she is putting on an act, I would have found out by now. If she was putting on a show, she would be the lowest scum and I would divorce her ass in a second. I can be very vindictive at times and she knows that.

 

I will never defend her actions and will always place the blame on her

regardless of how my actions and neglect drove her into another man's bed. There is no excuse and I've stated that time and time again.

 

And focusing on my recovery right now is EXACTLY what I'm doing. That is why I need some help on how to deal with the details of the affair and find out whether or not a little fling of my own will get myself back to normal and stop feeling like I have been jipped.

 

 

If you are seriously considering a revenge affair, it's normal to feel that way.

Truth is, a revenge affair will never erase the pain you feel, it won't balance the injustice you feel. It will only prove what you've always known, that you are an attractive person and if you had chosen you could of have an affair anytime in your marriage but only chose not to.

 

Your wife needed external validation, she also used the excuse of you working hard and not being there as an excuse. Her cheating on you was about her own insecurity, mid-life crisis, a need to believe she is attractive, that she's still got it.

 

Your self esttem has been badly bruised, but the affair was not a rejection of you, it was just an act of someone who lost her own self worth.

[garyfromla]

You think your WIFE's affair was purely physical? You're dreaming.

 

You said yourself that it started when you started (1) ignoring her and (2) fighting with her. MEN go look for sex to relieve stress from those two things. WOMEN go look for the emotional connection they're no longer getting from their husband.

 

See my earlier reply to see my perspective on the concept of an emotional affair. Like I said, she didn't have any feelings for the guy so I originally thought the affair wasn't considered to be an 'emotional affair.'

 

I guess I would say that her emotions led her to have a physical affair with no shared feelings between the two.

[Artie Lang]

guys i know that we all want to help gary, but it does no good "putting things in his head" regarding his wife's sincerity. i'm one of the first ones to call BS around here, and i don't believe gary deserves be interrogated over and over about his decision to reconcile.

 

i may not be too fond of her either, but it is what it is. he's just as dumbfounded as we are about the whole f*cked-up situation. i don't think he needs doubt being cast on his reconciliation efforts.

 

 

We met once but it wasn't through my wife. I was at my wife's firm introducing one of my business partners to another CPA in the firm that was better suited to deal with his kind of work.

 

The extent of our encounter was that we got introduced, said a couple of words, and parted ways to continue our business.

 

so he knows who you are.....there's a face to the injured party.

 

what a D0UCHE! i bet this isn't his first rodeo, as far as screwing married women, that is

 

 

your wife should be truly ashamed, not only for the affair itself, but for the shenanigans that took place; having this kid walk in on her liaison.

 

and, seriously-- OUTDOORS.....IN HIS BACKYARD!

Edited October 16, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Artie Lang]

i feel ya, Doug. i wouldn't be able to get past it, myself.

 

that's some f*cked-up sh*t to get over. i'd never be able to look at her in the sam way EVER again. personally, i'd kick her to the curb.

 

 

but here's the thing.....

 

With a wife who did what she did, the point is why even care, why even bother?

 

.....because he cares.

 

he's the one taking that chance, not me.

 

i might not like it, but i gotta respect his decision.

Edited October 16, 2012 by Artie Lang

[road]

I did not come here to ask "what more can my wife do?" I came here to seek some advice on 1. how to rid myself or at least decrease the severity of the details that I'm constantly reminded of and 2. why I'm feeling this urge to have an affair myself to restore the balance in our marriage

 

 

 

Let's deal with No. 2 first. Revenge affairs don not solve problems. They don't "restore balance". Revenge affairs only cause more problems for the WW now BW and the BH now WH.

 

No matter how many times you pork your OW or no matter how many different OW you pork you will never get even with WW or the OM.

 

Also no amount of you porking OW will get your WW unporked by the OM.

 

You want to have piece of mind then you need to put all doubts to rest. STD tests for you and WW. DNA tests for your kids. Polygraph test to rule out other affairs and that you have all the truth about the affair.

 

Your WW balks at this means that she is hiding something. Most likely more affairs.

 

Once you have done these things then you must never talk about the affair ever again. No BH will forget the affair and eliminate triggers by bringing the affair into the present.

 

You will slowly forget the affair, when you do the triggers happen less frequently, and the triggers will end faster as well.

 

Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process from dday. There is no shortcut or eliminating the steps above.

 

Last you must have complete access to your WW means of communication to life to verify NC. Greatly reduces the anxiety level to know the Affair has not restarted.

 

Last your WW met OM through her job. If OM still goes there, even if he now deals with someone else WW must leave that job. Or if the OM's office is in the same or near by building. Just seeing the OM will trigger WW's addiction for the OM. You don't need your WW getting tempted.

[karnak]

Let's deal with No. 2 first. Revenge affairs don not solve problems. They don't "restore balance". Revenge affairs only cause more problems for the WW now BW and the BH now WH.

 

No matter how many times you pork your OW or no matter how many different OW you pork you will never get even with WW or the OM.

 

Also no amount of you porking OW will get your WW unporked by the OM.

 

You want to have piece of mind then you need to put all doubts to rest. STD tests for you and WW. DNA tests for your kids. Polygraph test to rule out other affairs and that you have all the truth about the affair.

 

Your WW balks at this means that she is hiding something. Most likely more affairs.

 

Once you have done these things then you must never talk about the affair ever again. No BH will forget the affair and eliminate triggers by bringing the affair into the present.

 

You will slowly forget the affair, when you do the triggers happen less frequently, and the triggers will end faster as well.

 

Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process from dday. There is no shortcut or eliminating the steps above.

 

Last you must have complete access to your WW means of communication to life to verify NC. Greatly reduces the anxiety level to know the Affair has not restarted.

 

Last your WW met OM through her job. If OM still goes there, even if he now deals with someone else WW must leave that job. Or if the OM's office is in the same or near by building. Just seeing the OM will trigger WW's addiction for the OM. You don't need your WW getting tempted.

 

Basically, you'll spend the remainder of your married life always on the edge, as if you were a sentry guarding your wife.

 

Not a good, healthy prospect in my opinion. Since I'm a guy who gives great value to peace of mind and soul I'd get rid of the source of my doubts and troubles.

[turnera]

See my earlier reply to see my perspective on the concept of an emotional affair. Like I said, she didn't have any feelings for the guy so I originally thought the affair wasn't considered to be an 'emotional affair.'

 

I guess I would say that her emotions led her to have a physical affair with no shared feelings between the two.

So...she felt abandoned and angered by you...so she went and found someone to have sex with?

 

Look, we're not trying to dis you OR your wife. But it seems pretty clear to the rest of us that you're basing your forward choices on faulty information and/or logic. If that's true, you will make inferior choices moving forward. We're just trying to get you to look at the real picture. Doesn't sound like you have it.

 

What's her personality?

[BetrayedH]

In reality he will spend the rest of his time with her in an open marriage, certainly from her side of things--possibly from his as well if he decides to fool around whether for revenge or other motives.

 

If he stays with her, he can either accept the fact that it's essentially an open marriage or pretend that it isn't, but pretending won't change anything, and is actually less healthy for him then simply accepting that what is, is.

 

It's also possible that she is truly remorseful, has learned from her tragic mistakes, and will never cheat again. Tough to tell the future.

[2sunny]

What does your gut tell you - IF you are to need to work far away again and your W is on her own for a while - do you think she'd cheat again at that time?

[drifter777]

Gary: I've followed your thread from the beginning. I've read every post and from all of this I've gotten that first and foremost you want to stay married to your wife. This is the underlying focus of everything you think and do right now. Secondary to this is that you want to find a way to "get over" her infidelity. As people here make suggestions and offer advice based on their own experiences you reject most of it. The reason is simply that you are not yet in a place to hear what we are trying to tell you. Posters get frustrated because we believe you are headed for a bitter fall when the emotions you are suppressing come spilling out. We try to warn you but you are unable to hear us.

 

When you finally face your emotions honestly try to remember some of the advice given here. Come back and re-read it before you start a new thread. Like many of us have said, I hope I'm wrong and you sail smoothly through reconciling with your wife and you live happily ever after. It's just that the chances of that are so remote we all feel compelled to help you - even if you aren't ready for it.