Trouble getting past details of my wife's affair

[Darth Vader]

Trust me bud, I'm not minimizing the heaviness of her actions. Hence, why I'm so pissed these days despite everything she's been doing to get us through this.

 

She doesn't refer to what she did as a mistake, or at least a 'mistake' based on true and general definition. She knows that what she did was 1.) not my fault 2.) the lowest point of her life and character.

 

She, herself, said that she was a 'stupid whore' who was undeserving of my love and care. I can't really say it hurts me to hear her say that and I don't care if that's a ****ty attitude to have if you're reconciling with your cheating spouse.

 

 

 

I'm not sure what you mean by taking responsibility so please elaborate. She does regret it though. She wishes he hadn't walked in on them. His son did see my wife naked.

 

She described that entire encounter the day I asked her for all the details of the A. I doubt that she and his 14 year old son will have much interaction in the future so I doubt any impending awkwardness.

 

How would it be more injury to insult if she has already seen him?

 

 

Well, you see, the OM's son saw her naked, so he knew his father (if you want to call him that) was doing a married woman in whatever position she was screwing him in. So you have to imagine what damage she's caused OM's son, by being available to do this to him in his own home. If you were him, how would you feel? See what I mean? That is his home, where she had no business to be, he still remembers it vividly! His son may feel violated by this, that's what I mean be taking responsibility for her actions.

 

As far as them not interacting, never say never, it's a very small world! It's gonna come out one way or the other and she may be dreading it! I can only imagine him seeing you two out and about and him saying to your wife, "hey, didn't I see you naked on top of my father in my home"? I only used that as an example, but, do you see where I'm going? More insult to injury. You don't need that!

 

That's why in part I say drop her ass!

[Darth Vader]

I guess I'm a little confused on the concept of an emotional affair. I assumed an emotional affair is one in which the spouse harbors intimate feelings and love for their lover. In this case, my wife didn't and doesn't so I figured the affair wasn't considered to be emotional.

 

However, I can see it being an emotional affair if you look at it from the perspective of my wife's emotions leading her to have the affair. In other words, if the cause of the affair was emotional motives rather than physical motives, then I can see it being an emotional affair.

 

Maybe I have a convoluted understanding of the definition of an emotional affair, I don't know. But I can say she has told me numerous times that she felt nothing for him. The absence of any emotional ties was the reason she was able to end the affair so easily and abruptly when she finally came to realize how stupid she was.

 

 

Perhaps she had the affair to be vindictive against you, you've stated you can be very vindictive, perhaps this is/was her way. Some how I think this is the answer as to why she did this, to deliberately hurt you on some level by having sex with OM. Now that is truly sick! To me, that grounds to just drop her.

 

I say this, because you think it wasn't an EA at all, but a PA.

[Mr. Lucky]

So...she felt abandoned and angered by you...so she went and found someone to have sex with?

 

Look, we're not trying to dis you OR your wife. But it seems pretty clear to the rest of us that you're basing your forward choices on faulty information and/or logic. If that's true, you will make inferior choices moving forward. We're just trying to get you to look at the real picture. Doesn't sound like you have it.

 

What's her personality?

Well said. And look at it this way - one of your concerns (and you're a better man than I in this regard) is trying to treat your wife fairly through this difficult process. Living in the same house together for the next 20 years while your run X-rated videos of her and the OM through your head isn't doing her any favors either.

 

At least right now and all the gory details aside, your story lacks the context within which one can understand her actions. That's the missing piece...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Darth Vader]

See my earlier reply to see my perspective on the concept of an emotional affair. Like I said, she didn't have any feelings for the guy so I originally thought the affair wasn't considered to be an 'emotional affair.'

 

I guess I would say that her emotions led her to have a physical affair with no shared feelings between the two.

 

 

Ok, this is why I'm suggesting that she did this out of revenge against you, women do this as a way "pay back" or something like that. Usually a woman won't have sex with a man they don't love.

[garyfromla]

Look, we're not trying to dis you OR your wife. But it seems pretty clear to the rest of us that you're basing your forward choices on faulty information and/or logic. We're just trying to get you to look at the real picture. Doesn't sound like you have it.

 

What kind of faulty information and/or logic might that be? How is my situation any different from any other man being cheated on by his wife and him choosing to reconcile? Are you basing your views solely on the details of the affair that I had uncovered or on a projected outlook on the future of our marriage?

 

What's her personality?

 

She's somewhat introverted and self-critical.

[Darth Vader]

i feel ya, Doug. i wouldn't be able to get past it, myself.

 

that's some f*cked-up sh*t to get over. i'd never be able to look at her in the sam way EVER again. personally, i'd kick her to the curb.

 

 

but here's the thing.....

 

 

 

.....because he cares.

 

he's the one taking that chance, not me.

 

i might not like it, but i gotta respect his decision.

 

True, that's true. Like I said before, he's gotta live with her (if he wants), we don't!

[garyfromla]

Truth is, a revenge affair will never erase the pain you feel, it won't balance the injustice you feel.

 

I wouldn't even call it a 'revenge' affair. I just want to break out of my bubble and do something that I feel will help me get past all of this honestly. I wouldn't even call it an affair either as I would discuss it with my wife.

 

It will only prove what you've always known, that you are an attractive person and if you had chosen you could of have an affair anytime in your marriage but only chose not to.

 

That's exactly what I'm thinking. I have been pursued by women throughout my marriage with the most recent being a 30 year old bikini model. Even when I had the chance to have her, I reminded myself that I loved my wife and couldn't betray her like that.

 

That's what kills me. Knowing how much self-confidence, inner strength, and will power I had to overcome those feelings while my wife lacked them during a trying time in our marriage.

 

Your wife needed external validation, she also used the excuse of you working hard and not being there as an excuse. Her cheating on you was about her own insecurity, mid-life crisis, a need to believe she is attractive, that she's still got it.

 

I agree. She admitted that my working a lot, in a sense, made her feel like I loved her less which is complete sh*t. I married a very strong woman who had the highest self-esteem and confidence of anyone I knew. She let that all fall to the lowest depths and she had no one to blame for that or her cheating.

[garyfromla]

In reality he will spend the rest of his time with her in an open marriage, certainly from her side of things

 

Does this idea follow the concept of "once a cheater, always a cheater?"

 

Do other couples who faced infidelity and opted to reconcile end up in an open marriage?

[garyfromla]

What does your gut tell you - IF you are to need to work far away again and your W is on her own for a while - do you think she'd cheat again at that time?

 

No, she wouldn't. I say so because in the first couple days I moved back and was still trying to figure her out, I ashamedly threatened her in the worst ways possible (no death threats though) about her betraying me again. I may harbor a lot of animosity and distaste towards her now but I know she wouldn't be cold enough to do it again and risk me exercising my REAL revenge on her.

[Darth Vader]

Gary: I've followed your thread from the beginning. I've read every post and from all of this I've gotten that first and foremost you want to stay married to your wife. This is the underlying focus of everything you think and do right now. Secondary to this is that you want to find a way to "get over" her infidelity. As people here make suggestions and offer advice based on their own experiences you reject most of it. The reason is simply that you are not yet in a place to hear what we are trying to tell you. Posters get frustrated because we believe you are headed for a bitter fall when the emotions you are suppressing come spilling out. We try to warn you but you are unable to hear us.

 

When you finally face your emotions honestly try to remember some of the advice given here. Come back and re-read it before you start a new thread. Like many of us have said, I hope I'm wrong and you sail smoothly through reconciling with your wife and you live happily ever after. It's just that the chances of that are so remote we all feel compelled to help you - even if you aren't ready for it.

 

 

This deserved a bump. You realize you may not have hit the anger stage, yet, it will be extreme!

[garyfromla]

As people here make suggestions and offer advice based on their own experiences you reject most of it.

 

I'm sorry if you got the impression that I'm rejecting anyone's opinion or advice. I respect all your inputs and will keep them in mind if my marriage turns for the better or worse.

 

However, with that said, I don't consider the "once a cheater, always a cheater" foundation and "drop her, she's a whore" idea to be the kind of constructive advice I was looking for.

 

Those are things I could have come up with by myself without any other outside experiences and opinions. I know she was a whore for what she did so I don't need people constantly reminding me of it.

 

Posters get frustrated because we believe you are headed for a bitter fall when the emotions you are suppressing come spilling out. We try to warn you but you are unable to hear us.

 

It's pretty evident that I'm not suppressing any feelings right about now. What are you basing the bitter fall on? a logically projected view on the future of our marriage or "once a cheater, always a cheater?"

 

I respect your opinion tremendously drifter, but you need to understand that a majority of what I'm hearing (not from just you necessarily) seems like its based on a universal law of infidelity. That all marital problems look, act, and feel the same.

[garyfromla]

Well, you see, the OM's son saw her naked, so he knew his father (if you want to call him that) was doing a married woman in whatever position she was screwing him in. So you have to imagine what damage she's caused OM's son, by being available to do this to him in his own home. If you were him, how would you feel? See what I mean? That is his home, where she had no business to be, he still remembers it vividly! His son may feel violated by this, that's what I mean be taking responsibility for her actions.

 

Sorry Darth but I don't follow. I understand that her getting caught by the guy's son was as whorish as it comes but I can't see why this would pose that much of an issue with the kid. Again, NOT protecting my wife because I definitely know she doesn't f**king deserve it but I don't think the son is feeling the kind of anger and emotions I currently possess.

 

A lot of kids his age accidentally walk in on grown ups like that from time to time and I don't see my wife's disgusting rendezvous that day being different, regardless of his father being with a married women. I think if he did have a problem, it would be his dad screwing a married woman and not a married woman screwing his dad.

 

As far as them not interacting, never say never, it's a very small world! It's gonna come out one way or the other and she may be dreading it! I can only imagine him seeing you two out and about and him saying to your wife, "hey, didn't I see you naked on top of my father in my home"? I only used that as an example, but, do you see where I'm going? More insult to injury. You don't need that!

 

Well if that happens, screw her. Let her deal with the scrutiny and embarrassment. I don't care how ashamed she gets.

 

Just a reminder Darth, I said I told my wife over the phone that I was moving back in to *consider* reconciling for the future but doesn't mean its permanent. I can still divorce if I feel like our marriage is no longer fit for fixing by two of us.

[garyfromla]

This deserved a bump. You realize you may not have hit the anger stage, yet, it will be extreme!

 

LOL I'm already angry.

[road]

LOL I'm already angry.

 

And you ignore great advice. All you do hear is to throw yourself a pitty party instead of doing what needs to be done.

[Darth Vader]

And you ignore great advice. All you do hear is to throw yourself a pitty party instead of doing what needs to be done.

 

 

Road, as someone here already stated in another post, he's probably not ready yet to receive some of the advice on here. He was also advised to come back and re-read the posts again when he feels he's ready to make more and better decisions. This is still pretty raw and new for him, so he's probably still not ready. He's still in shock. He may be in say: about 1 to 6 months, but, everyone's different. I get that.

[2sunny]

Have an affair yourself is just adding MORE negative energy to a situation that's trying to get away from the negative energy path you're on.

 

Focusing on the negative will bring you more negativity. What purpose is THAT serving? Answer that - because it IS serving a purpose!

 

YOU can CHOOSE to focus on positive things and grow POSITIVE ENERGY BIGGER! Will YOU CHOOSE THAT? If so, WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU going to DO to grow that positive energy?

 

It's up to YOU!

 

Get a plan and map it out!

 

You can choose a negative path or a positive path - what's it gonna be?

[garyfromla]

Have an affair yourself is just adding MORE negative energy to a situation that's trying to get away from the negative energy path you're on.

 

Focusing on the negative will bring you more negativity. What purpose is THAT serving? Answer that - because it IS serving a purpose!

 

YOU can CHOOSE to focus on positive things and grow POSITIVE ENERGY BIGGER! Will YOU CHOOSE THAT? If so, WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU going to DO to grow that positive energy?

 

It's up to YOU!

 

Get a plan and map it out!

 

You can choose a negative path or a positive path - what's it gonna be?

 

You're right. I've been thinking about it the last couple of days and having a little affair of my own won't serve to be beneficial in any way to my marriage. I realized that I would be going into that situation with another woman knowing I am allowed to ONLY because my wife already did that with another man. No matter how many times I end up sleeping with the OW and have a great time, I'll always remember that it was my wife's affair that allowed and compelled me to have one on my own, not on my own accord. In that sense, once again, she wins.

 

I've also given thought to why some of the posters here keep saying I'm not "ready" to get some advice regarding the situation. Those posters make it seem like I'm in a phase of denial when I am clearly aware of the facts and how I feel and think about them. Of course not all the emotions and thoughts I have right now seem to be completely coherent but I still know what they are and why they're here. I was/am ready to listen, I did listen, and now have come up with a decision on what to do.

 

Some posters cautioned me that my wife would cheat again and for that reason, I should drop her. I did not take that thought to mind because those suspicions are based on the unproven concept that if someone cheats once, they will do definitely do it again. I know that's not the case for my wife for many reasons. And that was why I initially thought I could go back to her after months of separation and try to rebuild what she had broken, or at least attempt to. But my fear of my wife cheating on me again in the future was not my worry. What worried me was the haunting details of the affair possibly lingering in my head forever and my urge to sleep with another woman because I thought it would restore the balance of our marriage and make me feel better.

 

It is for those two reasons and not an unsupported claim that my wife will cheat again the future that has led me to my decision as of last night. I have realized that those details will forever be ingrained in my mind no matter how many years it takes for us to get back to where we once were. Everything I do, everywhere I look, I will seemingly be reminded of her marital indiscretions. And many of you have claimed that over and over again. All of you have also stated that an affair of my own will do nothing to appease my hurt feelings and mind. And I have also kept that mind.

 

Knowing that the existence of those details and this feeling of unbalanced monogamy within my marriage will surely never allow me to be happy once again, I have decided to divorce my wife. She has done everything she can to make it up to me it seems and has far exceeded my expectations of how she'd grow and prove her love to me. But unfortunately that is not enough, or at least not what I need right now. What I need can't come from her; it has to come from me. And being that there is no possibility of my mind being erased of all the details of the affair, I know I won't be getting the closure I need to restart my marriage. According to the posters here, as long as I have those haunting two problems in my life, I will never be happy so her efforts are essentially useless.

 

I will contact my attorney sometime tomorrow to let him know to continue with the divorce proceedings I had put on pause months ago. I will also sit down and break the news to my wife sometime this Friday. I know most of you will be pretty disinterested in hearing about that so I'll gladly spare you the trouble. Thank you for all those provided some sound and meaningful advice. I really appreciate it.

[2sunny]

With the deepest sympathy for your loss of the marriage - I commend you for taking a stand. A stand for what works for YOU.

 

I too, loved the man I thought I was married to - but he turned out to BE someone different than I had hoped/thought.

 

In the end - I KNEW I deserved better than what he did to ruin our M - or rather that perfect M I THOUGHT we had.

 

I'm sending you positive energy for the best possible outcome for all of you...and for healing as you work your way through this to the other side - which, by the way, CAN BE AMAZING!

 

7 years later I find I am happier than I ever dreamed possible!

 

My happiness isn't based on anyone or anything! It comes from within...

 

I wish you well. Keep posting. It does get better as long as YOU keep moving FORWARD.

[Furious]

You're right. I've been thinking about it the last couple of days and having a little affair of my own won't serve to be beneficial in any way to my marriage. I realized that I would be going into that situation with another woman knowing I am allowed to ONLY because my wife already did that with another man. No matter how many times I end up sleeping with the OW and have a great time, I'll always remember that it was my wife's affair that allowed and compelled me to have one on my own, not on my own accord. In that sense, once again, she wins.

 

I've also given thought to why some of the posters here keep saying I'm not "ready" to get some advice regarding the situation. Those posters make it seem like I'm in a phase of denial when I am clearly aware of the facts and how I feel and think about them. Of course not all the emotions and thoughts I have right now seem to be completely coherent but I still know what they

are and why they're here. I was/am ready to listen, I did listen, and now have come up with a decision on what to do.

 

Some posters cautioned me that my wife would cheat again and for that reason, I should drop her. I did not take that thought to mind because those suspicions are based on the unproven concept that if someone cheats once, they will do definitely do it again. I know that's not the case for my wife for many reasons. And that was why I initially thought I could go back to her after months of separation and try to rebuild what she had broken, or at least attempt to. But my fear of my wife cheating on me again in the future was

not my worry. What worried me was the haunting details of the affair possibly lingering in my head forever and my urge to sleep with another woman because I thought it would restore the balance of our marriage and make me feel better.

 

It is for those two reasons and not an unsupported claim that my wife will cheat again the future that has led me to my decision as of last night. I have realized that those details will forever be ingrained in my mind no matter how many years it takes for us to get back to where we once were. Everything I do, everywhere I look, I will seemingly be reminded of her marital

indiscretions. And many of you have claimed that over and over again. All of you have also stated that an affair of my own will do nothing to appease my hurt feelings and mind. And I have also kept that mind.

 

Knowing that the existence of those details and this feeling of unbalanced monogamy within my marriage will surely never allow me to be happy once again, I have decided to divorce my wife. She has done everything she can to make it up to me it seems and has far exceeded my expectations of how she'd grow and prove her love to me. But unfortunately that is not enough, or

at least not what I need right now. What I need can't come from her; it has to come from me. And being that there is no possibility of my mind being erased of all the details of the affair, I know I won't be getting the closure I need to restart my marriage. According to the posters here, as long as I have those haunting two problems in my life, I will never be happy so her efforts are essentially useless.

 

I will contact my attorney sometime tomorrow to let him know to continue

with the divorce proceedings I had put on pause months ago. I will also sit down and break the news to my wife sometime this Friday. I know most of you will be pretty disinterested in hearing about that so I'll gladly spare you the trouble. Thank you for all those provided some sound and meaningful advice. I really appreciate it.

 

 

Without a doubt you gave your your marriage a heartfelt chance to reconcile.

I admire your courage in making such a difficult decision, and I know it was not easy, it's truly sad that a good marriage was destroyed by infidelity.

 

You will be facing a difficult time ahead as you finalize your divorce, and I'm sure you'll feel many emotions as you go through that process. I hope that you accept and reach out to your family and friends for support and that you and your wife separate as amicably as possible.

 

Sincerely wishing peace and a happy future.

[BetrayedH]

You're right. I've been thinking about it the last couple of days and having a little affair of my own won't serve to be beneficial in any way to my marriage. I realized that I would be going into that situation with another woman knowing I am allowed to ONLY because my wife already did that with another man. No matter how many times I end up sleeping with the OW and have a great time, I'll always remember that it was my wife's affair that allowed and compelled me to have one on my own, not on my own accord. In that sense, once again, she wins.

 

I've also given thought to why some of the posters here keep saying I'm not "ready" to get some advice regarding the situation. Those posters make it seem like I'm in a phase of denial when I am clearly aware of the facts and how I feel and think about them. Of course not all the emotions and thoughts I have right now seem to be completely coherent but I still know what they are and why they're here. I was/am ready to listen, I did listen, and now have come up with a decision on what to do.

 

Some posters cautioned me that my wife would cheat again and for that reason, I should drop her. I did not take that thought to mind because those suspicions are based on the unproven concept that if someone cheats once, they will do definitely do it again. I know that's not the case for my wife for many reasons. And that was why I initially thought I could go back to her after months of separation and try to rebuild what she had broken, or at least attempt to. But my fear of my wife cheating on me again in the future was not my worry. What worried me was the haunting details of the affair possibly lingering in my head forever and my urge to sleep with another woman because I thought it would restore the balance of our marriage and make me feel better.

 

It is for those two reasons and not an unsupported claim that my wife will cheat again the future that has led me to my decision as of last night. I have realized that those details will forever be ingrained in my mind no matter how many years it takes for us to get back to where we once were. Everything I do, everywhere I look, I will seemingly be reminded of her marital indiscretions. And many of you have claimed that over and over again. All of you have also stated that an affair of my own will do nothing to appease my hurt feelings and mind. And I have also kept that mind.

 

Knowing that the existence of those details and this feeling of unbalanced monogamy within my marriage will surely never allow me to be happy once again, I have decided to divorce my wife. She has done everything she can to make it up to me it seems and has far exceeded my expectations of how she'd grow and prove her love to me. But unfortunately that is not enough, or at least not what I need right now. What I need can't come from her; it has to come from me. And being that there is no possibility of my mind being erased of all the details of the affair, I know I won't be getting the closure I need to restart my marriage. According to the posters here, as long as I have those haunting two problems in my life, I will never be happy so her efforts are essentially useless.

 

I will contact my attorney sometime tomorrow to let him know to continue with the divorce proceedings I had put on pause months ago. I will also sit down and break the news to my wife sometime this Friday. I know most of you will be pretty disinterested in hearing about that so I'll gladly spare you the trouble. Thank you for all those provided some sound and meaningful advice. I really appreciate it.

 

I find this to be unfortunate and personally, I think you are letting this place get to you. I went through the same thing. My threads sounded exactly like yours. Same arguments, same defenses, same thoughts of a "balance affair." It's eerie, to be honest.

 

The fact is that it takes TIME to reconcile. I think you are jumping to a conclusion that you will "never" be happy. Like me, you want a SOLUTION so that you can take action to do something about this now. You want logic and actionable steps to take charge of the situation. It doesn't work that way. If you don't have the patience to wait and see, that's certainly your choice. Others have had the patience and would say that they don't regret their decision (and their pain was no different from yours). Only you can decide.

 

Either way, good luck to you, Gary. I don't judge any BS for how they react. The whole damn thing is plain awful and no one can blame us for trying to reconcile or for throwing in the towel. I hope this decision in the right thing for you. For what it is worth, I hope you keep posting because you are yet another person with valuable experience to add to the conversation.

[turnera]

I've also given thought to why some of the posters here keep saying I'm not "ready" to get some advice regarding the situation. Those posters make it seem like I'm in a phase of denial when I am clearly aware of the facts and how I feel and think about them.

In our experience, most betrayed husbands go through a script - just like the cheating wives go through a script. In ten years of doing this, I've seen maybe 5 out of hundreds who didn't do all the same things.

 

The best - and most effective - advice is going to seem counterintuitive to you. It just does. You see her pulling away so you want to prove you're worth staying for. Wrong.

 

When a wife starts cheating, IME, (YMMV) there is one and only one way to get her to stop - to IMMEDIATELY make it clear that you will NOT tolerate her cheating and she has ONE CHANCE ONLY of keeping you in her life - to get rid of OM, and TODAY.

 

That's a very scary thing. And most BHs will hem and haw all over the place; most will instead try to nice their wives back. They'll shed all vestiges of alpha male and turn into a complete beta model. Which makes her more disgusted with you (but you won't see that cos you're too busy trying to win her back).

 

But it works.

 

You confront. If she refuses to stop, you expose. You give her a time limit until you walk and file. And if she still doesn't give up OM, YOU FILE. For separation, at least, if not for divorce.

 

Can you do that? Are you READY to do that? Or are you going to have a dozen reasons why you shouldn't? You say you're filing, but you seemed to have skipped a bit and just went for divorce.

[LeGenDary_Man]

I find this to be unfortunate and personally, I think you are letting this place get to you. I went through the same thing. My threads sounded exactly like yours. Same arguments, same defenses, same thoughts of a "balance affair." It's eerie, to be honest.

 

The fact is that it takes TIME to reconcile. I think you are jumping to a conclusion that you will "never" be happy. Like me, you want a SOLUTION so that you can take action to do something about this now. You want logic and actionable steps to take charge of the situation. It doesn't work that way. If you don't have the patience to wait and see, that's certainly your choice. Others have had the patience and would say that they don't regret their decision (and their pain was no different from yours). Only you can decide.

 

Either way, good luck to you, Gary. I don't judge any BS for how they react. The whole damn thing is plain awful and no one can blame us for trying to reconcile or for throwing in the towel. I hope this decision in the right thing for you. For what it is worth, I hope you keep posting because you are yet another person with valuable experience to add to the conversation.

Your critical tone is not helpful. OP is already in lot of pain and he had made effort to reconcile. But OP is having hard time getting past the memories of his wife's affair. It is important to understand that not every person can cope with this kind of situation. OP came to this forum to ease his pain by sharing his issue with this community and get useful input about what he can do or options he have and he have got plenty of responses to help him make up his mind. If OP has decided to divorce; we should respect his decision. Let this be a message to people that affairs can be destructive; but of-course, people usually find out the hard way. OP is currently in a roller-coaster phase. Some can get through it and some cannot. His wife took things for granted; she had everything; a caring and faithful husband; a home; lovely children; but she was in some kind of "FANTASY" mindset. Ups and downs in LTR and M are expected and decent people make things work through thick and thin. OP's wife, unfortunately, fell short on her commitment during a difficult phase of M. This opened the eyes of OP and shattered his "FANTASY" image of her.

 

To OP (garyfromla);

 

Bro, I feel sorry for you. I encourage you to do WHAT YOU THINK is BEST for you and your kids; keeping in mind all the useful insight you have got from here and/or counseling.

 

I think that your MIL is partly to be blamed in this; her affair corrupted the mind of your wife indirectly. Children learn a great deal from their parents. Your wife was very lucky to have you but she did not had it in her to cope with rough phase of M. Her mother set a terrible example for her and she has done the same for your daughters. Their is no justification of an affair.

 

I think that your daughters can be your greatest source of healing during this painful phase of your life. You should be close to them (which I believe that you would be). You should tutor and mentor them against this kind of EVIL. Instill "honesty" in them. It is much WISER to walk out from a bad or dysfunctional relationship instead of having an affair. If you have decided to consider divorce, take your daughters in to confidence beforehand and explain to them your position. HURT yourself no longer. You have the right to be happy. If you cannot continue with this M any longer; do not do so out of obligation after all you had been put through. Your daughters are no longer infants and they will understand eventually. But guide them BEST to your abilities. Also, try to get their CUSTODY because you are not at fault in this case. Your attorney will better guide you.

 

Though, do reconsider your options FULLY and CAREFULLY before you make the FINAL decision. Good luck and keep us informed.

Edited October 17, 2012 by LeGenDary_Man

[2sunny]

Do you think if your W quit that job - the one shed ruin to her OM sooner or later - that it MIGHT impact the possibility of you staying married?

 

This would be a consequence - and a solid move on her part to show you evidence that SHE'S WILLING to do anything to set this right?

 

Just wondering...?

[Artie Lang]

sorry to hear that, gary.....for the marriage itself, i mean. the decision to divorce is not an easy one.

Edited October 18, 2012 by Artie Lang

[jnel921]

While I have not left my husband I was told the details and forwarded text messages he wrote to her and pics of them hugging and a pic of his penis he sent her while at work. I can't think right now. I am so angry. Talking to the OW didn't help. She pretty much said she enjoyed him and I needed to step it up in the bedroom. Now I understand why people snap. There was no true apology there. she could give a rats ass if we divorce. She will be on the sideline waiting.