After Divorce Emotions and Loss of Self Esteem - Where to turn?

[HurtinginTx]

I recently divorced after a short-lived marriage. It's been 7 weeks since my divorce and I'm going thru anger, hurt and a wide range of emotions I'm trying so hard to shake. Although I initiated the divorce and knew the best thing I could do for me and my son is get out - I'm left feeling like such a horrible person.

 

I married someone who I loved but the relationship wasn't healthy for my son. He was never accepted by my ex and his son - he was treated like the outcast. There was no bond formed between my son and my ex and his son. My son has some learning difficulties (ADHD). I was widowed and have raised my son alone. My ex comes from a large family and both he and his son have a huge family support system. I have very few family members left.

 

I thought by marrying my ex both me and my son would have support and love from my ex and his family. It didn't work out this way. When we had problems my ex would immediately call his mom and sisters and bash me and my son. My ex said my son had "problems". My father-in-law told my ex "That boy of hers is going to give you trouble".

 

My son is polite, well mannered, sweet and kind to animals and other than a little hyperactive - he's a good kid. My ex's son is the bully type, mean to animals and obnoxious (always getting into trouble at school) - but my ex thinks he's a tough boy and my son is a sissy.

 

So my son was always teased by my ex and his son. This upset me. His son stole things from my son and my ex never disciplined his son - he just said "boys will be boys". His son is a devious kid yet he has this huge family who spoils him and gives him anything he wants. My son hasn't had this luxury. He knows the value of things and never ask for much - he offers to earn money, etc. I've raised him to have morals, respect for others and appreciate the value of things.

 

Our marriage was difficult - while his son was given anything he wanted (expensive tennis shoes, video game systems, anything he wanted) - this was rubbed into my son's face. My son never complained - he just felt it was unfair that a kid so mean and ungrateful was always treated like royalty. It was hard for both me and my son to watch this kid get everything handed to him on a silver platter - and as bratty and mean as he is - he had alot of friends (who he'd turn against my son and tell them not to be his friend).

 

After being married 5 months I knew I couldn't live with my ex and his son. My son would forever be tormented and treated like the outcast stepchild. When I filed for divorce my ex told his family and I was made out to be this horrible person who was a bad wife. I didn't cook him enough dinners or babysit his son.

 

Now that we are divorced I'm still reeling from how we were treated and how both me and my son were disrespected. He told everyone my son had problems and I babied him too much. I'm a good mother and my son is a good person with a kind heart. Is it my fault he never had a father? I think my son is not a sissy at all - he's just never been raised to be a tough little hellion.

 

Anyway - it's been hard for me to get over this divorce because I was told I was a bad wife, a bad mother and that me and my son have "problems". I have raised my son to have manners, morals and respect for others. His son didn't even know the words please or thank you. His son threated to kill our cats when we moved in, etc.

 

I have little family support or good close friends while my ex has a huge family who rushed to his side when I divorced him. I know he's told everyone I am this psycho and my son is too - he said this about previous relationships.

 

How do I regain my lost self esteem? All I wanted was someone to love me and my son and because we were both treated so disrepectfully I had no choice but to leave. My ex was disrespectful to me - he threatened me constantly that if I ever cheated on him he'd kick me out of his house - yet he flirted with other women and always tried to make me jealous by oogling other girls. He'd bring home nasty magazines and laugh and say "You're not jealous of these are you? You think by me looking at these I'm cheating on you?".

 

It just wasn't a marriage I wanted to be in. I got out but I've been having such a hard time getting over this. He made me feel self concious about myself. I ended things abrubtly and alot of people thought I was crazy divorcing him after only 5 months but I knew I made a mistake and had to get out.

 

Because I put my son first I've been made to feel like a failure by many people - who have told me that I didn't give the marriage a chance and my son should learn to adjust because he's going to be grown and gone in a few years and I'll be all alone. So I should have stayed married and endured being treated that way?

 

My ex enjoyed making me jealous - he did this on purpose to make me feel insecure and it worked. He also made me feel bad because I had little family while he has this huge family. I can't help it - my parents passed away. When we had problems he'd call his sisters and mother and tell them everything. I don't have parents and siblings to turn to for support.

 

He crushed my self esteem and bragged about how he has "all these people who love him and his son" and how he feels sorry for me because I have no one. I've been widowed and have lost both parents - I had hoped that he and his family would support me and my son - instead they treated us both like orphans.

 

I divorced him - I couldn't take it. I just wanted a husband and family who'd accept me and my son for who we are. Instead my son was bullied and treated like the plague - I was made to feel like this horrible wife and mother because I protected my son and questioned how we'd be treated once we moved into his house.

 

I didn't want to get married to begin with - we only dated for 6 months when he wanted to rush into marriage. He wanted a caretaker (wife/cook/mother) while I needed to trust him and feel like me and my son (and cats) would be safe once we all moved in - I knew something bad would happen.

 

Although I'm divorced and away from him - I've been left feeling like such a failure. No one knows what it's been like being widowed and having to raise a child totally alone with little support from anyone. When I reach out to others I'm always taken advantage of it seems.

 

I have little trust in people these days. When I first was dating my ex he couldn't do enough for me and my son. He constantly said he'd take care of us and be there for us - but once I married him things changed. He was mean to my son while his son could do no wrong. He got mad at me because I immediately didn't jump into the Suzy Homemaker role and take care of him. My gut feelings kicked in and I knew it wasn't right. I couldn't move in and put my son thru hell.

 

Me and my son have always lived alone and my son and I are extremely close - he is very protective of me and he HATED my ex and his son. From day one he warned me "It's just not right mom, there's something about him - he's moving too fast wanting to get married". My son didn't trust him at all. My son said "Mom, I want you to be married and be happy but he's just not right and I never want to move into their house - I'll run away before I live with those people".

 

Anyway - I'm just trying to deal with the aftermath. Friends I've talked to about this just say "You did the right thing - forget about it". I was left with such low self esteem - I know he bashed me to everyone and this is what hurts. I'm a good person and my son is a good person. My son is not a "mommas boy" - he's about as boy as you can get - we're just good, kind people and we get taken advantage of.

 

I feel like because I'm a young widow people take advantage of me and treat me differently. When I reach out to others for help - I get stomped on.

 

This isn't fair - my ex was a single dad and people seemed to flock to him and bend over backwards to help him and offer to take care of his son. I've never had that. People just seem to pity me and feel sorry for me because I'm widowed.

 

How can I get over these feelings? I just need caring people in my life who understand. I ask for help and try to turn to others for support but people ignore me - they seem to focused on themselves and what they need.

 

Should I turn to church support groups or what? I'm alone and feeling like I'm a bad person for doing what is right for me and my son.

 

I feel like here I am - someone who is good, honest, kind - a great mother with a terrific son, I'm alone with no one. While my ex who was mean to me and my son - has everyone in the world jumping at his feet to help him and his son - he's got financial inheritances coming his way - he's set.

 

On the other hand I'm struggling emotionally and financially. He didn't want to help me and my son - he just saw me as someone to fill a void missing in his life (a wife and caretaker).

 

When we got married he told my son "She's mine now". My son was devistated. My ex couldn't say "We're all a family now". I knew right then something was wrong and he married me for the wrong reasons. Then after we got married and he berrated me for only cooking him three meals so far - I knew I got myself into a big mess.

 

Anyway - I've posted on here before and everyone has been a tremendous help. Now I just need some friends to help me get over my feelings of guilt, failure and low self esteem.

 

My son is doing great - he is so relieved to be out of that situation and away from my ex and his son. He said moving into their house would have been a nightmare. I know I did the right thing but in doing so I think everyone looks at me as the bad guy and the crazy one because I didn't give that marriage a chance.

 

I didn't want to get married to begin with - I saw the red flags, but I did and realized I made a huge mistake. I divorced him and ended it abruptly - felt that was the best way. But I've had so many emotions from wondering if that was the right thing to do to yes it was the right thing to do but I feel like a fool, etc.

 

Sometimes I have panic attacks - I miss him, I get lonely with no one to talk to and I think maybe he wasn't so bad, etc..... I think this is just because I'm alone.

 

I went thru hell losing my first husband - he died when my son was a baby. I had to work a full-time job and raise a baby totally alone. At 29 alot of people don't know how to relate to a widowed single mom. It was extremly difficult. My parents died shortly after I lost my husband so I lost my support and my family. It was traumatic for me. I have two other siblings but they are distant. My late husband's family wasn't supportive at all.

 

So when I became involved with my ex (who was a friend of my late husband) I thought he was the answer to my prayers. Unfortunately he seemed to dislike my son and I was to fill the void in his life and me as a person wasn't important. I was just to uproot and move in and fulfill his expectations of what a wife should be.

 

Sorry this is so long - I have to unload all of this. I have good days and bad days - it's just hard with no one to talk to. Thank god for this message board. Anyone willing to offer advice? I just need to get over him and move on - yet I'm filled with so many emotions and feel so alone.

 

Thank you.

[Yikes]

Wow, that WAS a long one!

 

You don't have to look too hard to find at least ONE positive. You are now out of a bad situation, one that was not very good for you or your son. THAT'S A GOOD THING!

 

Work hard at looking after yourself and your son. Be in control and independant. In case you haven't figured it out, the only person that you can count on is YOU. It sounds like like your son probably really needs his mother right now and the reassurance that she has a plan and is in control.

 

Good Luck.

[brashgal]

I think you need to start standing up for yourself. I know you can do it, you were a single parent for all those years. I think you expected your ex to be your Knight in Shining Armor and although he may have promised to be that, I know you saw some of the handwriting on the wall of what life would really be like and yet you went ahead and married him anyway. Don't do that to yourself. Listen to your gut and obey it.

 

I think you would do well to find a support group. Here is Dallas there is a Starting Over group through one of the big churches - I know that a lot of churches have these kind of groups - take a look out on the internet.

 

Stop beating yourself up - you made a mistake, you've moved on - next time you won't rush into anything.

[NotaBadGuy]

Hurting in TX,

 

Take a look in the mirror. From reading your post, you should see, know and grasp the inner strength you have within you. You should use this strength to your advantage and count your blessings. You have been through a lot. You have taken each obstacle that has shwon up in your path and overcome them. This should be another such instance. Your ex was not a real man. He sounded selfish and uncompassionate towards you and your feelings. And for being a friend of your late husband, he should have really treated you like the queen of hearts. He filled a void you had in your life and through smoke in mirrors made you believe he was someone who he is not.

 

In my opinion, you made the best decision with the facts you presented. You are better off and will gain immense strength from this decision. Although it will not appear instantaneously, you will later reap the benefits and look back in retrosepct only to remind yourself that you made the right choice.

 

And what you wrote about your son and placing him a priority throghout the whole thing, that is something your son will never forget and will always remember. That took strength, determination, and a strong will. I commend you. Noone ever gets married with the intent on getting divorced, believe me there. But sometimes the best decision means taking a step you never imagined taking. Living and learning.

 

You will make it through. Don't second guess yourself. You made the wise choice. It may take you down some rougher roads for the time being, but in the end you will wind up smoothly sailing along. Just take a look in the mirror and seize your inner strength - it is there. Keep your head up and stay positive.

 

NotaBadGuy

[HurtinginTx]

Thanks guys. I'm a survivor and trying like hell not to have that "victim" mentality about all that's happened in my life. I have finally realized the only person I can rely on is myself - sometimes it just gets exhausting you know? So many people have family to lean on - I don't.

 

But I'm determined to be strong and do whatever it takes to keep moving forward. Thanks for listening and sorry my post was so long.

[seahorse]

Good answer NotaBadGuy.

 

Hurting in Tx; you put your trust in a guy who in other circumstances you might not have, because you thought you needed a father for your son and a support for yourself. In the end he wasn't what he seemed. He certainly doesn't sound like any sort of support. You made a good choice, if a little belatedly.

 

From what you've said about him, and his son, you need them like a hole in the head. Use this forum to offload, find a support group, talk to anyone who'll listen. If I hadn't had my friends when my husband did the dirty on me, I'd have gone mad.

 

Live your life, and get through the next few years; if you meet someone else, try to learn to trust; that is the hardest part, especially when you've been treated like rubbish. Self esteem can be very hard to rebuild, but never forget you are a good person, and you've done a brilliant job bringing up a child alone. Well done you.

 

Seahorse.

[Yikes]

Seahorse... well said!

 

The bit about looking for a father for your son plus someone to support her is right on the money in my opinion. (I actually had a similar thing in my last post then stripped it out because I felt I was getting too wordy, Seahorse said it better anyway).

 

The last thing any guy who's worth your time wants, is a weak, needy woman whose looking for a daddy. (besides, they often attract the users and slugs). A woman who is in control and is capable of managing on her own is far more attractive than one who is needy and a mess.

 

In my opinion, it's natural to WANT to have someone in your life, but it's more important to know that you can manage on your own first. Don't settle for anyone, just so you won't be lonely, if you do it makes you unavailable when a good prospect comes along... and it will.

 

You can do it, you've already taken the first steps.

[HurtinginTx]

Thanks everyone - your kind words and advice are golden. Just what I needed to hear. I've printed out my original post and your responses to read again until I recover (which hopefully will be very soon!).

 

God bless you guys!

[Taurus1358]

I understand exactly what you are going through, I just posted my ordeal. when I married my ex-wife she had a son, because of being an only child he got the overprotection of her whole family, everything he did was right, he was a good student but he was a brat. Little by little, with a lot of love I changed him completely, today he is a 25 year old man with a bright future in front of him and an asset to society, in spite of not being his biological father he accepts me and treats me as such.

 

His mother and I got divorced last November, it was mainly my fault and since then I have no life, but, all of the time we were together I saw that child as my own and gave him my best, I don't have any family or children at all. What I am trying to say to you is that if your ex-husband was not capable of loving your son

you were not 100% accepted, if you are a good mother you know that his needs come above and beyond anyone else's and if he is not accepted neither are you. When you love someone you love everything about that person, you are better off on your own, I am certain you will find a better partner in life

[HurtingInTx]

Taurus, what an insightful post. I have to commend you for being such a good father to a child that isn't blood related. To treat her son as your own is something I've been searching for but can never find. No one has ever truly seemed interested in my son - my son has never had a father or a father figure that's cared. I've had to be both mother and father.

 

There are very few men in this world that take on that role to another woman's child. It's rare to find someone who sees my child as an extension of me. They usually ignore my son. This in return causes distrust and resentment and I have to end the relationship.

 

My son is 12 - I've raised him alone and have been both mother and father. I take him fishing, to see guy action movies, I get out there and throw a baseball and have sat him down and talked to him about puberty, sex, and everything under the sun. He's a very well adjusted kid.

 

Still - I'd give anything for a man to come into our lives who could accept both of us. My son would kill for the attention - so far the only grown men in his life have let him down so he just figures what the heck.

 

Tom Cruise was raised by a single mom - with no father figure - and he turned out ok.

 

Thanks for your post - I'm sorry your marriage ended after you were so dedicated to your stepson. You should get a gold medal for being a father to your stepson. Very few men give of themselves in that capacity.

 

I'd give anything to be married to someone who truly cared about my son.

[Yikes]

It sounds like you are capable of doing a fine job with your son. What you want is what we all want, it's only natural. Keep in mind that the fellow you are looking for is not likely to be the first or second guy you date, he might be the 12th - who knows? Be picky, you owe it to yourself and your son, hold out until just the right guy comes along. In the meantime, just keep doing what you can to keep things stable.

[HurtingInTx]

Dear Yikes, I hear ya loud and clear. I let my ex rush our relationship and push marriage when I knew there were red flags. That's the problem - I let others talk me into doing things when my gut tells me to wait and proceed a bit more cautiously. I've learned my lesson the hard way.

 

I'm wiser now - I hope. It felt good to hear you say "what you want is what we all want". And trust me, I'm going to be much pickier from now on and listen to those gut feelings rather than ignore them.

 

Thank you.

[alsoconfuzed]

Wow! You have been thru so much, but you can pull yourself thru this. I went thru DIVORCECARE at a local church after my 18 year marriage ended. That was the best thing I could have done. It helps you let go of the anger, sadness and lonliness because you have a support group of others going thru the same thing. I strongly encourage you to find some kind of support group. They even have a support group for children that might help your son.

 

Good luck to you, and please take time for yourself to heal. Don't rush into dating. Take care of that wonderful son of yours.

[mronederful]

hurting, you are half way there, you know you made the right decision, one thing i wanted to comment on is the ex father in law, what a jerk. i truly hope you find the man that will love you and your son! you both deserve it! just don't settle, you are a strong enough person to get OUT of it, you will get OVER it, just takes time. when i went through my divorce, it literally almost killed me, the fealing of failure, the loss of self esteem, the heart ache, the depression (drinking a case of beer for dinner is a good way to lose weight) when i saw how happy she was with her NEW husband, it actually made me feel BETTER. and i was able to forgive myself for some of the blame and guilt. i got really pissed off when my family tried to blame it all on her, i know they were trying to help me but that just wasn't the way to do it. good luck even though you really don't need it.