Broke My Fiance's Trust Because of Major Fight - My Heart is Breaking Now

[trouble]

Hello

My fiance and I were supposed to get married November of this year. I just graduated from law school and moved back home to start a job. He lives two hours from me. I would see him on the weekends. We were both under a lot of stress with planning the wedding, careers, long distance relationship.

 

We had previously discussed many important issues and promised to always work through differences. We were very good about avoiding conflict by talking out any problems. Two weeks ago I started blowing up at him for the littlest things. I am not sure why this happened and it hasn't ever happened to me before. We had a fight that continued for a few days.

 

He was trying to tell me that he couldn't fight about it anymore and that he was beginning to feel like he couldn't talk to me. I was hurt because we had had such a great relationship up to that point. He had always been expressive about his feelings and I felt like a failure. I responded in the worst way imaginable. I was so angry I said things I didn't mean and left and told him I didn't want to get married if he really felt that way.

 

I totally realized my mistake and drove back the 2 hours later that evening. I know that it was irrational and wrong. I don't normally handle stress that way. There is no excuse for my behavior and I wouldn't want him to have to live with that if I was going to be that way all the time.

 

I apologized and told him that I obviously wasn't handling all the stress well so I started to see a therapist to ensure that I didn't ever do that again. I wanted to take responsibility for my flaws and actions. I really do love him and want to make a life with him. He said that he coudln't do it. He loved me more than any woman he had ever been with but he had lost trust in me. He said that he would always remember the hurtful things I said and how bad it hurt when I walked out. He said he would always be afraid that I would do it again in a fight.

 

I totally understand his fears and I am not trying to reduce my responsibility. I miss him so much and I know that I messed up. He was married before and with his ex-wife a total of 12 years (dating plus marriage). She cheated on him and treated him poorly. He kept trying with her until it was impossible. I imagine that he is thinking that the first sign of "crazy" is a red flag and he needs to get out.

 

I am human and I made a mistake. It wasn't a pretty one. His friends are surprised that he had given up because they know that we had a unique relationship. Some have told me to hang in there that he may come around. I know he is just hurting right now.

 

He told me not to think about us or him just to focus on me. I know that is good advice. All of my things are still at his house, furniture, computer, christmas ornaments etc. He hasn't told me to get the things out yet. We were also in the process of putting his house on the market so he could move here after the wedding.

 

The last time I talked to him he told me that he was planning on selling the house and moving out of state. My plan is to continue to go to therapy and work on me. I am not going to contact him by mail, e-mail, or phone. I am just going to give him some time and space. I am hoping he will come around.

 

Does anyone out there have any additional advice? Don't be afraid to be blunt, I know I messed up and lost his trust by leaving. I know that he is the one for me and I would do anything within reason to make this work. However, I know that if he doesn't want to make it work then it won't matter.

 

Thanks for any support.

[uriel]

I'm sorry for your confusion and grief. You asked for honesty -- so here, in the spirit of helping, goes.

 

The red flag is that you took out your stress on him in a way that showed complete disregard for his wellbeing. I'm not sure what awful things you said, but you wouldn't have said them if, at some level, you hadn't believed he would just take the abuse like a doormat.

 

This guy may have been so trusting and open (such a nice guy) that he gave you the impression (at some deep emotional level) that he didn't respect himself. Therefore, you didn't feel you had to respect him either. In other words, your treatment of him IS symptomatic of a possibly largely unconscious view of him as someone not as valued as yourself or a man you admire and want to think well of you.

 

You may have blamed him deep down, too, for the added stress of moving and marital plans during your school pressures. Shifting that blame was irrational. But, that's not a one-time thing either. It's a sign that you have some emotional immaturity to work through -- likely behavior that will repeat itself under similar life stress (I speak from experience, as the offender in this case). Why do couples who lose a child divorce when neither is to blame for the child's death? This very type of thing. One or both partner's irrationally blame the other for mutual choices or mutual grief.

 

This behavior is only possible when you lose sight of your connection to the other person and your responsibility for caring for their wellbeing. You did -- and you need to ask yourself how you allowed that to happen. You shifted from a couple-centered view to a you-centered view of circumstances during your time of stress. The couple-centered view can be easier to maintain in a LDR -- despite the stress of not being together physically. It's possible that shifting from an LDR to a face to face relationship confronted you with more demands from him -- of time and attitude. You were used to being able to have a great deal more freedom from the relationship than that, and you may have resented the extra pressure, even though it's the kind of contact you used to long for when you were apart. That's a third issue to consider as you work through what this means and how to prevent it from happening in the future.

 

Will he come back to you? You know better than your friends, sounds like, how wounded he was by a previous relationship. He's gunshy, to say the least, and you've just fired the first round. He might well head for the hills and not come back. He might be willing to return, given enough time. All you can do is to get your life and self in order.

 

-- uriel

[trouble]

Uriel

Thanks for the honesty. I obviously have some growing up to do if I took things out on him. I have started therapy this week to gain better coping skills and to be a better person in general. I do have a good heart and I am legitimately sorry that I didn't recognize that I was under so much stress. Healing from the accident ( I was hit by a drunk driver), graduating, moving, starting a new job/career as a lawyer, getting engaged, and dealing with the separation was too much for me to handle. I am going to not contact him and give him space. I want to be a better person not just get him back. If he was to take me back I would want to make sure that I wouldn't respond in this way again. His best friend called me and told me that he and his wife went through something similar. They separated for 6 months before they got married and then eventually found their way back. I will continue to work on me.

[katie79]

I have a bad temper too. When I get mad I say really horrible things, I bet worse than you! With my bf, I try to watch it though. ALthough you said some nasty things to him and told him you didn't want to marry, he should still discuss what a future would be like. He sound like he's been burned hard before and now after what you said, he fears being "rejected" and "dumped" in some way. I guess telling someone you don't want to marry them in anger sounds kind of bad. I have to say, I am insecure and I wouldn't take that well either. He prob thinks like me where he figures the truth comes out when your mad. Once in a while, yes, all humans in relationships DO blow up at each other like this. It's normal. What wouldn't be normal is if fights like this occurred all the time. Tell him your sorry and be sincere about it. Tell him how you really feel. If that doesn't work, there's only so many times you can apologize without feeling like a fool. That's when you need to put him aside and focus on yourself. If you feel angry a lot, maybe you could take something for it and seek help. Maybe there's a latent reason for it.

[trouble]

Katie

I think you are right and I am pretty sure he isn't coming back at least if he does not for a long time. I haven't ever blown up at anyone before. I generally hate conflict and prefer to sit down and work things out. I guess that is why it came as such a suprise to both of us. I have to move on and let my heart heal. I will have to learn to forgive myself for making the biggest mistake in my life so far. I am seeing a therapist to help me handle stress better. I made an appointment the day after our fight. I love him but sometimes you can't convince someone that although their fears are valid that I wouldn't ever do that again.

[echoparkdude]

hey trouble,

 

i'm pretty young (early 20s) but in my relationship with my fiancee when we were first dating and now, I have always hated that period of waiting after the fight. Waiting for the other person to do something. I know he is waiting for you to do something as you are waiting for him. To me, it really doesn't matter who was wrong in a situation like this. Someone has to fix it, someone has to take initiative.

 

My advice for you, take it with some thought because it's utlimately up to you, is to take action if you want to. If you dont do anything, wouldn't that show that you're giving up too. Just because he gave up doesn't mean you have to give in. I guess what I'm trying to say too is that you got to fight for what you want. You got to fight to keep a relationship. I hope this helps a little.

[Chatty]

I think if you manage to reconcile, you should BOTH be in therapy before marrying. I don't think the whole burden of change and/or saving the relationship is yours alone. You're going to have to have the coping skills you mentioned, but in order to live with you as you are and love you, and to forgive you your altogether human and occasionally emotional responses, he probably needs to work with you and work through his previous relationship issues as well.

 

You didn't have the argument alone.

[trouble]

Chatty

Thanks

I have been doing a lot of soul searching and talking with people who know him. I have determined that he has not healed from the pain that his ex-wife caused when she cheated on him. She cheated on him in college and they entered into the break up get back together cycle. He forgave her and ignored several red flags. 5 years into their relationship he asked her to marry him and then after 7 years of marriage it was over because she was having affairs. I think he replaced his hurt with the love from me and when I made a mistake and had an emotional breakdown and left- it sent him reeling back into the pain. If he does take me back, I think he needs to face his pain. Regardless of who he ends up with there will never be a guarantee that that person won't hurt him or let him down.

 

No one is perfect and I really lost sight of the important things in our relationship- i.e communication and sharing of stress. I know that I hurt him and I will continue to work on coping with stress but I think it is going to take him to realize that he has an unrealistic view of me and anyone else he chooses to love. I know that we had a great relationship and it was the first one he was in that didn't have a lot of petty arguments or game playing. I think he must have put me up on a pedestal so when I finally did have a moment of weakness the fall was too much for him to bare. I will continue to work on me. He has e-mailed me a couple of times to tell me about my things that he moved into storage and other things. He ends them with I hope you are doing OK. I haven't responded in three days. I am not going to. I think he needs to see what it is like without me.

 

In the beginning I was e-mailing him and sitting down and talking to him about what I thought was the problem and how I planned on changing. He seemed very receptive and I really thought that he was going to say it is worth saving. After we went to bed that night and had sex I really thought things would turn around. However, the next morning he was back to the "I've made up my mind." Now he is talking about moving out of state. I can't stop him and I can't make the decision for him. He has to want to be back. I will just be patient and try to get over this intense hurt.

 

Of course the caterer called today.

My dress came in last week.

It is just one reminder after another.

 

I am praying for his healing and hope that he will see the light. I don't want to throw away a good relationship. I feel like he is letting his ex wife win by destroying a good relationship.

Thanks for the advice

[jmargel]

You two need to find a marriage counselor. Only then things will start to get better.

[trouble]

I agree but he isn't talking to me. He claims that he has made up his mind and he isn't going to change it. I can't force him to go to a MC if he doesn't want to. He also stated that he will probably wake up and realize what he has thrown away and then it will be too late because I will already be in another relationship.

 

I would have seen a MC or anything else because I believed in us. Apparently I was the only one.