Heartbroken by ex but still interested in him, someone knock some sense into me!

[erin12]

I'm not sure if I need to just write this all down or I really need opinions. I've just been so confused, sad and heartbroken lately that I'm not sure I've been thinking clearly. I think loneliness has mixed up my emotions.

 

My ex-partner and I broke up in April this year. We had been together for just over 6 years. Not 6 years of complete happiness but I was happy/content most of the time the rest of the time was crap. He is 38 years and I'm 28 years old.

 

The reason I left was because he went into my computer and copied photos of my younger sister (18 years) that were taken at an Easter celebration to his computer and saved it into a "secret" folder. He has or had a portable hard drive or USB stick which he would save different young girls on (either celebrities or girls he found on Facebook). I knew he had it but wasn't exactly sure what he kept on it as I could only ever see folder names so I let it go but was always suspicious of him. I checked his computer one night in April and found the file names of these photos of my sister. I just felt instantly sick; I just knew he had copied them to his secret folder and to use them for who knows what reason. I was guessing something sexual because why else would you do that??

 

So I left, I couldn't handle the thought of my boyfriend thinking about my younger sister that way, especially with him being 20 years older than her. It creeped me out. He didn't apologise straight away for it, he just got angry at me for going through his computer.

 

Weeks went by and he started to apologise, saying that he would never use those pictures for what I suggested and that he was sorry for what he had done. I didn't accept it, not yet. This went on for three or so months, we kept talking but I never suggested getting back together. The longest we went NC was 2 weeks and we have had LC for the rest of the time except for the last month or so when we started seeing each other regularly. I know I shouldn't have because of everything that has happened (including calling me fat, saying I smelt, knocking my family to name a few).

I think I was and am lonely for company and he is there. I started remembering the good times that we had together and missed them. For some reason I started pushing out all the negative. He also started to talk to another lady for company and I was jealous. I didn't want to lose all the good we had and I started pursuing him (stupid I know). I started to see the good again. He said we could try again and I was still hesitant but agreed that we could (Even typing this now makes me feel like an idiot).

 

However this weekend he has gone to his parents on the coast with her and her son (as they had planned this weeks before we agreed to try) and now doesn't reply to any of my texts or phone calls. I feel so sick in my stomach and heartbroken all over again.

 

Someone please knock some sense into me!! Please tell me I was right to leave him, and if you don't agree why not? This is so hard; I cry at night and feel so anxious now. This is not the person I want to be... I know this is quite an abridged version of the story but I would love some opinions.