Wife left me and my daughters. !!!

[Jaslyd]

I apologize if this is a bit lengthy but I need to lay all of the fact out in the open to get an honest opinion. I really need help ASAP!

 

My wife and I have been married for about 13yrs. We live in VA. For the first 12.5 yrs she was a good wife and a great mom. We have 3 daughters (17,11,6) the oldest is not biologically mine but I adopted her at 4 and I am her daddy. My wife and I have always argued a lot, control issues. I would argue back but in order to maintain the peace if always end up giving in and admitting fault even if I still didn't believe I was at fault. She is able to hold a grudge for a very long time and things would never be ok if I didn't eventually tell her what she wanted to hear. She is 6yrs older than me and just turned 40.

About 6 months ago a switch flipped, she started becoming VERY private. Hiding her cell phone, changed the password to check the phone records online etc. since the plan was in her name I couldn't do anything about it. I had gotten her a car, a BMW convertible. At first it was great. Then she began hiding the keys from me and not allowing me to even access the car let alone drive it. Things progressively got worse. I started suspecting infidelity. And as we all know once you suspect it, EVERyTHING you see points to it. She works 25 miles away, she started going to work and staying there for days. Saying she was working a double shift and was too tired to drive home and would sleep in the parking garage. A few times I called there and her coworkers said she wasn't even at work, yet she still wasn't home. She "works" like 40hrs a week and no longer helps me with ANY finances and never has money. She even convinces me to make her car payment. And like an idiot I accept her apologies and excuses that make no sense and pay it hoping this time things will be different.

I found out that she had a child prior to us getting married. I had heard rumor if this from her family member before but she denied it up and down. I was able to access her paystub one time from her work via Internet and found out she was laying child support on this child who is 18 or so. She leaves still for days at a time and will not come home she takes what little money me and my kids have and disappears. She has a Facebook and friends everyone except me. She has pics of herself dressed VERY provactively and even commented in inebif her own pics "that's right, no bra.... I don't need one". This is NOT like her at all. She is like a total stranger now. She acts like a teenager. She insists and swears up and down that she has never cheated in me or so much as kissed anyone else. And says she wants to be married and loves me but tells our oldest daughter that she doesn't want to be married. She tells me she does but usually it's only when she needs something. She has not only abandoned me but our kids also. I can't even rely on her to pick our kids up from school because a few times she just never showed up.

I don't know what is going on. I highly suspect infidelity but haven't found concrete proof. I also suspected drugs because she has lost a lot if weight and flaunts her body now with little clothing. I know people want to look good and feel good but she goes wayyyy too far. To the point where my oldest daughter is embarrassed to be seen with her. She has left for 48-96hrs about 6 times in the past few months. Saying she is at work and sleeping there.

I thought about telling the car company to repo the car since it is in both of our names but I don't want to go that route. She has paid nothing at home but is still $1300 behind on her car payments.

The other day things got worse.... Our 17yr old daughter has had the same boyfriend for the last 1.5yrs. She called me and told me to come home ASAP. She told me she was pregnant. She had to tell me because her mom was not around. I tried every way possible to reach my wife who had already been gone for 36hrs. Sent her texts saying "there is an emergency with one if the kids. Call me ASAP" I called her, called her work, emailed her. I could not reach her, her work said she wasn't at work even though she had said she was. She found out when she finally called me 16hrs later. Instead if rushing right home to deal with this situation and provide support she is still not home and it has been another 72 hrs since she got this news. She just won't come home. She said she doesn't want to be around me but even when I'm gone at work she doesn't come home to see the kids

I'm an emotional wreck. Not only from an impending divorce but also because she has ditched her kids. I repeatedly told her that we have girls, they NEED a mom. And then one gets pregnant.... I don't know what to do. I keep giving into her fake apologies when she needs money and the she takes off again. I have filed for custody. I have spoken to everyone legally and I can't force her to move out but at the same time I can't afford to and don't want to take my little ones out of their school and away from their friends. A divorce would be hard enough in them. I at a loss and I'm on the verge if a breakdown. I can't do everything in my own. I just wish everything were back to normal. I can't change her and I am just stunned that she doesn't just "wake up" and see what she is doing. When I say this change was VERY drastic and sudden I really mean it. It amazes me, this isn't even the same person.

Sorry so long, but I really need advice and help.

[riverratt]

Quit worrying about her and focus on the kids and yourself. They are the most important now. You wife sounds like she , basically, hauled butt and left you holding the bag. The problems she has caused for herself are not yours to worry about anymore.

 

You and your kids come first.

[Jaslyd]

Thanks. That is what pretty much everyone is telling me. I have a court date for custody in about 6wks. I just feel like I have so much anger, not that she keeps leading me on but because she did a total 180 and ditched the kids too. I am literally obsessed with looking for answers and just when I think I am cooing with things I find something else out that starts things all over again. I also feel like "the system" is always on the side of the mom. And I'm not going to get my kids. I just want her to be home and work on her marriage or just leave and let us rebuild. Instead she does whatever she wants and then comes home when it's convenient. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I can't even file for divorce because we aren't "technically" separated. She won't leave and I don't want to uproot the kids and move. They're dealing with enough. I CAN however stop giving her money. And I could have the car repossessed but that would either just force her to be home if she doesn't want to be and make things worse or she would just find a ride from someone else and be mad even more. I deeply love her and just need to see what's in front of me and stop living in a fantasy that things are magically going to get better. She's also the type of person that 100 people can tell her she is wrong but if she doesn't feel she is then all 100 people are the ones who are wrong. To be honest my mom died suddenly at the age of 57 and this is harder on me than that was. By far

[riverratt]

I can't even file for divorce because we aren't "technically" separated.

 

Don't about your laws but in KY it says this

 

" No decree shall be entered until the parties have lived apart for 60 days. Living apart shall include living under the same roof without sexual cohabitation. "

 

Check into this yourself. You may have the same law in your state.

[Jaslyd]

It's a bit different in Virginia. I've explored ALL of my options. You have to be separated for 1yr when children are involved. Separation includes living in different residences or an in-home separation which must be agreed to by both parties (she won't agree to it) this has special stipulations. After doing one of these you can file for a divorce. I can't afford to leave and like I said before it would be very traumatic to uproot my kids along with everything else going on. Basically from what I'm told. She can do whatever she wants and I can't keep her from entering out home. And it isn't considered abandonment because she had an intention of coming back and her things are here. I just feel like I'm totally screwed. One of the few times a guy tries to do what he is supposed to do and he gets screwed by the system. Also I have no family within 400miles away to take my kidsnto and to stay with

 

I REALLY appreciate all of the feedback people. I'm hoping someone will come up with something I hadn't thought of. I'm trying to be the best dad I can be for my babies (even though they're not actually babies, they'll always be my babies) I look forward to as many responses by you guys as possible. Just letting someone else know what I'm going through makes me feel better

[riverratt]

Just letting someone else know what I'm going through makes me feel better

 

You can spill it anytime you want..we have ears or screens..

 

1 year!!! that is crazy.

[Ugh1]

Gather up her crap, box it up, put it on the front lawn and Change the locks and dont give her any more money. She will find another place to live and probably get her car repossessed. In my state it is called abandonment if one parent does this. If they voluntarily leave with no explanation, or say they don't want to be there with you any more, you can change the locks and they have to find another place to live.

Is there a female family member that can help with the pregnant daughter situation, grandma, aunt, sister??? School counselor if nothing else.

[Steen719]

Maybe Carhill will read this and post. He is usually pretty good with the legal stuff.

Sorry, it sounds like a real nightmare. One thing I would do is find a way to document her activities, when she leaves and comes home and her not picking the kids up, etc. It might come in handy with the custody situation.

Good luck.

[Jaslyd]

I have someone who will help with the pregnant daughter. My aunt said she will come down. I spoke to a sheriff and they said I cannot put her things outside. If they get damaged I am held liable because they are HER things, things only she uses. If they are OUR things I can. Things we bought together. Pretty much everything here is mine except her clothes. And her names is on the lease too so I can't make her leave she can break the door down if she wants to and get away with it. ****ty situation!

[todreaminblue]

I apologize if this is a bit lengthy but I need to lay all of the fact out in the open to get an honest opinion. I really need help ASAP!

 

My wife and I have been married for about 13yrs. We live in VA. For the first 12.5 yrs she was a good wife and a great mom. We have 3 daughters (17,11,6) the oldest is not biologically mine but I adopted her at 4 and I am her daddy. My wife and I have always argued a lot, control issues. I would argue back but in order to maintain the peace if always end up giving in and admitting fault even if I still didn't believe I was at fault. She is able to hold a grudge for a very long time and things would never be ok if I didn't eventually tell her what she wanted to hear. She is 6yrs older than me and just turned 40.

About 6 months ago a switch flipped, she started becoming VERY private. Hiding her cell phone, changed the password to check the phone records online etc. since the plan was in her name I couldn't do anything about it. I had gotten her a car, a BMW convertible. At first it was great. Then she began hiding the keys from me and not allowing me to even access the car let alone drive it. Things progressively got worse. I started suspecting infidelity. And as we all know once you suspect it, EVERyTHING you see points to it. She works 25 miles away, she started going to work and staying there for days. Saying she was working a double shift and was too tired to drive home and would sleep in the parking garage. A few times I called there and her coworkers said she wasn't even at work, yet she still wasn't home. She "works" like 40hrs a week and no longer helps me with ANY finances and never has money. She even convinces me to make her car payment. And like an idiot I accept her apologies and excuses that make no sense and pay it hoping this time things will be different.

I found out that she had a child prior to us getting married. I had heard rumor if this from her family member before but she denied it up and down. I was able to access her paystub one time from her work via Internet and found out she was laying child support on this child who is 18 or so. She leaves still for days at a time and will not come home she takes what little money me and my kids have and disappears. She has a Facebook and friends everyone except me. She has pics of herself dressed VERY provactively and even commented in inebif her own pics "that's right, no bra.... I don't need one". This is NOT like her at all. She is like a total stranger now. She acts like a teenager. She insists and swears up and down that she has never cheated in me or so much as kissed anyone else. And says she wants to be married and loves me but tells our oldest daughter that she doesn't want to be married. She tells me she does but usually it's only when she needs something. She has not only abandoned me but our kids also. I can't even rely on her to pick our kids up from school because a few times she just never showed up.

I don't know what is going on. I highly suspect infidelity but haven't found concrete proof. I also suspected drugs because she has lost a lot if weight and flaunts her body now with little clothing. I know people want to look good and feel good but she goes wayyyy too far. To the point where my oldest daughter is embarrassed to be seen with her. She has left for 48-96hrs about 6 times in the past few months. Saying she is at work and sleeping there.

I thought about telling the car company to repo the car since it is in both of our names but I don't want to go that route. She has paid nothing at home but is still $1300 behind on her car payments.

The other day things got worse.... Our 17yr old daughter has had the same boyfriend for the last 1.5yrs. She called me and told me to come home ASAP. She told me she was pregnant. She had to tell me because her mom was not around. I tried every way possible to reach my wife who had already been gone for 36hrs. Sent her texts saying "there is an emergency with one if the kids. Call me ASAP" I called her, called her work, emailed her. I could not reach her, her work said she wasn't at work even though she had said she was. She found out when she finally called me 16hrs later. Instead if rushing right home to deal with this situation and provide support she is still not home and it has been another 72 hrs since she got this news. She just won't come home. She said she doesn't want to be around me but even when I'm gone at work she doesn't come home to see the kids

I'm an emotional wreck. Not only from an impending divorce but also because she has ditched her kids. I repeatedly told her that we have girls, they NEED a mom. And then one gets pregnant.... I don't know what to do. I keep giving into her fake apologies when she needs money and the she takes off again. I have filed for custody. I have spoken to everyone legally and I can't force her to move out but at the same time I can't afford to and don't want to take my little ones out of their school and away from their friends. A divorce would be hard enough in them. I at a loss and I'm on the verge if a breakdown. I can't do everything in my own. I just wish everything were back to normal. I can't change her and I am just stunned that she doesn't just "wake up" and see what she is doing. When I say this change was VERY drastic and sudden I really mean it. It amazes me, this isn't even the same person.

Sorry so long, but I really need advice and help.

 

 

similar situation i'm female though now a single mother with five kids, for the past six and a bit years

 

 

my ex was unfaithful and the affair had been going on for quite a while(found that after we had split).The first year is the hardest i would hazard a guess.I wasn't married so there was no dividing or disputes.....I took some time to get well...in hospital.....i got well for my kids who needed me...even though I was devastated they were more so (the children) and i tried as hard as i could to get well so i could be mother and father to them.I moved interstate I needed distance.Didn't want a part time dad in the picture the kids needed healing......I took six months no contact...he eventually contacted me threatening me with court and mediation.......I didnt allow that....I said straight up the court is going to hear every sordid detail.......and i will be explicit....in my failings as a parent(the hospital stay) and i will explain why i had to stay in hospital and what you said to me while i was in there........it sounds mean but i did it for th ekids.......he then started to come around to my way of thinking and we became cordial to each other eventually friends in a sense we are friends so the kids can see maturity and if they cant talk to me they can talk to him plus the have the number of a kids helpline.Kids suffer the most...even though i thought poor me at the time....they suffered.....be there for yoru kids do what is best for them ge tthem through it......and it takes masses fo effort...i am still having residual ptsd from one fo my daughters six plus years later ...one has depression....the other who spent the majority of her time growing up with just me around is actually the most adjusted and easy going girl you could meet....annoying ....but sweet as pie......active and happy ......lol....i love all my6children to pieces like meeces......and its been rough......you are going to feel it....

 

 

 

before you get divorced have you tried family mediation or intervention have you explored what options you have to salvage the relationship, has your wife had a mental health check......if not you should consider some form of intervention and if you have explored and tried everything you are emotionally able to invest in......and no change.....leave......and don't ever go back........try to open the channel for the children to have their mum around if she gets help.....but take control of the situation do what you have to do for you and those kids who need you more than she does.......dont stay with a serial cheat....not for you not for the kids........you will have deep scars if you do.....i learned a hard lesson....i am a better person for it....i actually feel good he had an affair and i gave an ultimatum......everything happens for a reason......that needed to happen to me........so i could move on and find someone who wants to be with just me....a hard ask because i have bulging suitcases....but the person who does take me on....is going to be someone special ....this time....i am having a relationship with someone who is like me......and who loves me.....i consider that to be special and if he gets passed my past, the special part of me he will have all to himself...i wish you luck in life and love

 

I hope that what ever works out for you is the best for and yours.....deb

[Jaslyd]

I have An online diary of when she leaves Nd when she comes home as well as photo shots from the slutty facebook pics. Most of them are her dancing with random men nothing too bad, still out of character though for her. But the clothes that she has been wearing are not the clothes of a married mother of 3. And in her pics I have noticed at the bars she is not wearing her wedding rings. Look at her FB. You would think it is a single partier not a married mother with 3 young daughters. She was NEVER like this. That's why it is so shocking to me. I just wish my family was back together but she makes us all believe it will be and then takes our money and leaves again. It has been 97hra now since she has been home. She found out 3 days ago our daughter was pregnant, she works 25 miles away and still can't make it home. So frustrated!!!

[Jaslyd]

Thanks blue! I keep going back and forth in my head wether I'm just going crazy and paranoid but there are soooo many things that don't add up. But I still ask myself "what if she's just angry with me? What if she's NOT cheating?" She denies denies denies and I keep asking and she gets soooo angry at me for asking. I don't know if she is lying or if she is twlking me the truth. She says she wants things to get better but she is stil SO private with everything. Cell, purse, paystubs, Facebook etc.... I feel like if you have to be secretive then you're hiding something. She was never secretive before which makes it even worse. I literally beat the crap out of my mind with this stuff and looking for answers. I NEED to know. I may never know. I deserve the truth. I know what I want to believe, that she's going through a midlife crisis and needs space and shes not cheating but I also see the signs slapping me right in the face! I'm 34 she's 40. We haven't had sex in months. Or at least I haven't. Not sure about her

[TheCollector]

Jaslyd...

First let me say I am soo sorry for you and your family.... I too am going through a hard time with mine... (my thread is in here to under "i honestly don't know...give") feel free to read and somewhat relate...

 

I truly understand her complete 180. My wife did the same thing. When I say complete turn around I mean like you said a "switch flipped." .....well gues what my friend...infidelity was infact the root cause. She became a person I didn't even know in a matter of days.AND became cruel and evil and literally was rubbing it in my face....my point...its been a year now and I feel no better about what happened... Even though I want to.... So even though you want her to just come back and work on your marriage its doubtful to me that you will feel better about it....that's if she even would consider coming home.

 

I think you need to focus on them kids especially the pregnant one.

 

I worked 50 miles away from my job for over 5 years and NEVER EVER slept at work cause I worked late... Drug use.....possibly since she is totally blowing all her money and none of its on bills. She seems to have a new interest in life and it isn't her family even it her families in its greatest hour of need.

I say don't giver her an option. Just tell her what GOING TO HAPPEN and that is that she needs to leave for good and give you the kids

 

Again I'm sorry my friend...

[whichwayisup]

Take your kids and do some family counselling with them to help with the adjustments and so they can talk about how they feel..Get some professional guidence. And you do counselling on your own! You need that too.

 

Sorry you're going through this. Right now your wife isn't the woman you married. She's got some issues going on, whether she's having a mid life crisis, met someone else or just plain lost it - She needs counselling too, so hopefully she'll be willing to go to the family counselling with you and your children.

[Floored]

She's cheating on you, there's just no defense for the summation of all her actions and behaviors. ONLY keeping a private phone or ONLY having her own finances or ONLY sleeping in a parking garage (ahh WTF?) once in a while, sure, don't jump to conclusions. All combined, plus she hasn't had sex with you in months, plus the clubbing with no proof of husband on her finger? I'm really sorry for you having to deal with all that. That's tough enough for a child-less couple to go through, and you're juggling three with a grand baby on the way.

 

As far as your divorce options go: you have grounds for a divorce from bed and board based on her desertion; the language even states 'intent to desert' and those facebook photos combined with her being gone for so long might be enough. Just because she has a key to the house doesn't mean she lives there if she's ignoring her own children. Divorce from bed and board is a partial divorce, so while you would be legally separated, you wouldn't be allowed to remarry. You can file for this immediately after separation, which sounds like a current event. After a year, a complete divorce from the bonds of matrimony is possible.

 

You should talk to a divorce lawyer and file for divorce yesterday. Every day she's still legally tied to you is another day she's scheming up something worse to drag you through the mud; you still are contributing financially to her new lifestyle, she'll still want that. Separate finances should begin if they aren't already in place. Repo that car. Those facebook pics, screen caps of her facebook page, any other data should be saved locally and backed up. She can take them down later and it will be exponentially harder to prove them, so grab them now.

[Gunny376]

IMHO? You've got yourself a selfish, self-centered, narcisstic, walk-a-wife whose having herself a mid-life crisis beause she's getting older. More than likely she's got some young buck at work that's been trying to get into her pants, talking sweet romance and all that smack. Of course once he "hits paydirt?" Its going to be too late, to bad, and just too damn sad.

 

I went through it, and have witnessed it many times with other men? Worse case was a woman in her late fifties who had three sons and had been married to the same good man for over thirty years. Some women just have to get back out there and see if they've still "Got It" It stems and comes from their own insecurity about losing thier youth, the once good looks, their figure yada ~ yada.

 

What I would do would use some reverse pyschology on her azz! I have her running out of the house with her clothes to the nearest divorce lawyer she could find. Of course your the man withh tha' boots on the ground and you've got the Dear Children to think of? But it would basically involve becoming the very anthesis of what is normally defined as a good husband? Just a couple of ideas that you might use?

 

Hire some young punk to move into your home. Preferablly with a neon dyed mohawk hair cut, multiple tatoos and piercings, ragged jeans, tank tops etc. Tell her that he's your long lost illegtimate son that finally find you and that he's moving in you. (Better yet if you could "borrow" a co-workers son?)

 

Sit around in your underwear scractching your azz, letting your belly flop out over a t shirt that's too small (that you bought specifcally for the purporse. Get yourself a empty of bottle of whiskey and fill it with tea or a vodka bottle filled with water. When she comes around act drunk and blurried eyed.

 

If you see her with a new pair of shoes on? Say, "Damn! Where'd you gete those boats? I never realized your feet were so damned big? NFL linebackers don't have feet that damn big?

 

If you catch wearing something new? A new dress, skirt or whatever? Tell her ~ "Damn! That makes your azz look big!" What's the name of the designer? Omar the Tent Maker?"

 

Anytime her friends or family is around start talking about how great your sex life use to be with her ~ but now its only great when she actually moves or something? Like making love to a corspe?

 

If on the chance you do get intimate with her? Don't have Lovemaking Sex? Have "Scroggin" sex. Wham, bam, thank ya Ma'am" sex. Clean yourself up with her underwear, and excuse yourself to the bathroom. Flip her a quarter on the bed as you walk a way and tell her (flipping your fingers like you were tilting back a cowboy hat, giving her a John Wayne salute) "Thank you Ma'am! I especially lliked the part where you actually moved! Thought I was going to have to call 911 there for a moment?

 

Hit on any and all of her friends!

 

Go silent and go deep! No e-mails, no phone calls, no texts, no nothing. When she asks, tell her you were busy.

 

Call her by another woman's name constantly and then act stupid and say, "Oh, uh,.........I'm sorry! I meant _____________!"

 

Become a geek? Dress up in a Star Fleet uniform and start a Star Fleeet or Star Wars Fan club that meets regularly in your home.

 

Buy her flowers but rub them in a "dog biscuit" on the grass before you give them to her. Or, spray them with something that makes her sneeze.

 

Don't bath regularly.

 

Fart in front of her especially when her friends and family are around. Do other creative and imaginative things that you know will embarras her to death.

 

You can't throw her clothes and things out by the curb, but the can come up missing one at a time ~ over time. (Put them in a rented storage space) Move her out one piece at a time. Just drop by the storage unit once a day on the day to or from work.

 

Open up a link to her internet linking it to some sick porn site. Give out her number and have guys calling her.

 

Hit all her friends and relatives up for money.

 

Constantly and neverending bore her to death

 

Constantly become the most annoying SOB that ever walked the face of the earth. Constantly embasrsed her anyway you can. Get her friends and family telling her she's nuts for staying with you!

 

Tell her she reminds you of a Russian beet farmer?

 

Cut off any and all monies and access to any accounts she may have access to.

 

Become a first class slob! Belch, fart, dig in your nose.

 

When making love make "Bronco Sex" with her. Call her by another woman's name and try to hang on for the last eight seconds!

 

Buy some women's panties, wash them several times to get them good and worn. Leave them laying around and when she finds them clam up and act stupid. If that doesn't work? Repeat with a bra or two that isn't her brand nor size!

 

Don't bath nor brush your teeth ~ slobber all over her and rub your un-shaven face against her each and every chance you get. Every opportunity give her a Wet Willie in her ears!

 

When you go out to eat? Give her the check and tell her to leave a good tip and tell her you'll be waiting in the car.

 

If you don't smoke? Start smoking the nasties and most smellest cigars you can. If there's anything of hers around that you can "accidently" burn a hole in? Do it!

 

Don't shave for days, and then when you do? Don't rinse out the wash basin.

 

Lift the toliet seats up and then glue them shut in the up position.

[Jaslyd]

Those are some interesting thoughts but I think when there is an impending court date that is the wrong way to go about doing things. Plus the kids would only be getting hurt. I do agree with the earlier post about the wedding rings. I have single friends by hey say that when they go to the bar to hit on women they just pass up on the ones wearing rings. She doesn't wear them because she wants people to think she is available. The same reason her Facebook has a bunch of slutty pics on it and there is no mention anywhere if her husband or her 3 kids. She has lost it. I just hope the court sees it

[Jaslyd]

Thanks everyone for your replies. Like all of you I DO believe there is infidelity but I look for any reason other than that, that it could possibly be. It has now been around 117hrs almost 5 days exactly since she has been home. I am at the point where I feel like mentally I am about to lose it. Not suicidal but severely depressed. I just want to give up, I just want to wake up from this bad dream. I honestly feel like leaving work right now and going to a hospital for help. I feel like this depression is getting really bad, but with custody papers filed I don't want a hospital stay to look bad against me. Even though I'm home with my kids and she isn't I am not mentally "there". Whenever I think if what may be going on I get those sick feeling butterflies in my stomach. It has een gotten to the point where I text her and tell her that whatever she is doing or has done I will just forget about it if she comes home. I have no money, no family here, just me and my kids. I am sick of putting my 6yrnold to bed every night and she asks me when mommy is coming home and I can't even answer her. I don't want to talk bad about her to my 2 younger ones (11,6) but they need to know something. I just feel like giving up.

[TheCollector]

Keep that chin up my friend! Focus on those girls! You can make it without her and you gotta know that! Don't text her like that anymore that's enabling and your better than that.

[todreaminblue]

Thanks blue! I keep going back and forth in my head wether I'm just going crazy and paranoid but there are soooo many things that don't add up. But I still ask myself "what if she's just angry with me? What if she's NOT cheating?" She denies denies denies and I keep asking and she gets soooo angry at me for asking. I don't know if she is lying or if she is twlking me the truth. She says she wants things to get better but she is stil SO private with everything. Cell, purse, paystubs, Facebook etc.... I feel like if you have to be secretive then you're hiding something. She was never secretive before which makes it even worse. I literally beat the crap out of my mind with this stuff and looking for answers. I NEED to know. I may never know. I deserve the truth. I know what I want to believe, that she's going through a midlife crisis and needs space and shes not cheating but I also see the signs slapping me right in the face! I'm 34 she's 40. We haven't had sex in months. Or at least I haven't. Not sure about her

 

 

I used to cop it bad when i asked if he was cheating he would go cold and narcy..... its called transfer of guilt........if it were a loving tranferance of comfort and support and reassurance it would not be this way .....you would not feel the way you do, when you do confront her and get her denial......the thing is I knew as soon as i got the transfer i did of his guilt.....i knew.......something was rotten....and it was......

ultimatum time

 

you do deserve to know the truth and i am not saying it cant be salvaged with hard work and effort on both parts.....it is you who will suffer through it she will too but not the extent that you will......the kids will suffer right along side of you even if they dont outwardly show it....the ripple effect of an affair or infedelity is deep....

 

 

sometimes relationships can be salvaged and fixed sometimes they shouldn't be fixed or salvaged you need extensive help to get through this and your wife has to be willing if she isn't walk away, salvage your love for a more deserving recipient of it and the kids, protect them from the fall out and the ripples....don't go down with the ship and don't compromise your principles (no white flag)you deserve better than that...i've been there....not going back..unable to salvage anything from my previous relationship other than respect that he is my girls father so i treat him accordingly..i wish you luck in your life with your children and love that is as long lasting and fulfilling as you need and keep updating.....hugs.....deb

Edited October 2, 2012 by todreaminblue

[Jaslyd]

Thanks Blue, it is now Tuesday morning. I got to a breaking pining last night and called her. Begging and crying for her to come home. I put up that white flag you speak of. I kind of regret it now. Tomorrow will be a week that she has been gone. She says she doesn't have gas money to make the 25 mile trip home. I told her If she came home I would go sleep in the damn car if that's what it took for my kids to see their mom. Still not home. I got to a breaking point last night. I felt like running off and just admitting myself to a hospital. After my long cry that has been held inside for 6months I felt better. I did however call a counselor and am going to talk to someone. I feel so overwhelmed with everything being thrown on me. I want my family back but at the same time I have to open my eyes and realize she doesn't. I need to stop moping and start moving forward. Ill keep you up to date. She said she gets paid Thursday and will come home then. 8days after she left.... Gotta keep moving forward. "Get my balls back" so to speak

[hotgurl]

Personally I would just tell her if you don't come home today don't bother coming home at all. You have abandoned your children when they need you.

 

FYI I drive a 25 mile (one way) commute every day. It is only 1/2 hour drive and I have never stayed overnight even in bad weather.

 

If I ever did this to be husband my ass would be on the street so fast you wouldn't be able to blink.

[Floored]

You can not keep accepting these lies from her? Out of gas money? Tell her you specifically see her clubbing, tell her there's no way she's 25 miles away with a BMW and can't afford putting in $8 for gas. Quit rolling over for her. I say this not with contempt for you but with anger that an adult, a parent, would find such LAME excuses for avoiding her own family.

 

Take a stand, by not addressing her childishness, you are enabling her further. She wants out, she can have out. What's her excuse going to be on Thursday? That she's lost her car? That she got a flat tire? That she's lost? Maybe you switched the locks because someone broke in, and she'll need to come home to get a new key. Maybe, she needs to earn that key.

 

I get that you want to be patient or whatever you're being with her by not getting mad, but it's time to hulk the frick out. Your children need at least one parent with a spine and sense of duty, it's going to be you or no one.

[Jaslyd]

I have considered changing the locks but the sheriff said that because she is on the lease and all of her things are there that she could just break a window and get back in. Basically I can't keep her out, unless the kids and I move. And I have no money.

[hotgurl]

I have considered changing the locks but the sheriff said that because she is on the lease and all of her things are there that she could just break a window and get back in. Basically I can't keep her out, unless the kids and I move. And I have no money.

 

yes but you can tell her to grow up. Either come home now or don't at all. Her behavior is unacceptable and frankly since she is not there you probably won't need to throw her out.

 

Or is that what you are afraid of. That she'll she ok and never come back.