Wife left me and my daughters. !!!

[Jaslyd]

Kind of. I mean I love her and want everything perfect again. She obviously isn't home anyways but says she has the intention of coming home. I'm not saying in the best husband but I have never cheated and never been physically abusive. And I have never left my kids like this. I'm a wreck. I can't focus on anything. I want her to come home but I can't allow myself to be walked all over. Even if she does come home and continues to so this eventually ill be the one who is unhappy and wants to leave

[robf1971]

Personally I would just tell her if you don't come home today don't bother coming home at all. You have abandoned your children when they need you.

 

FYI I drive a 25 mile (one way) commute every day. It is only 1/2 hour drive and I have never stayed overnight even in bad weather.

 

If I ever did this to be husband my ass would be on the street so fast you wouldn't be able to blink.

 

This times 100

 

You are allowing her to treat you like this, there are absolutely no consequences to her actions. Actually I would take it a step further and tell her that her stuff is in the driveway in boxes, please pick it up before garbage collection day.

 

Ohh and while she's out 'trying to find herself' get yourself the best divorce lawyer going and start the process rolling, make sure you get custody of those kids.

[hotgurl]

This times 100

 

You are allowing her to treat you like this, there are absolutely no consequences to her actions. Actually I would take it a step further and tell her that her stuff is in the driveway in boxes, please pick it up before garbage collection day.

 

Ohh and while she's out 'trying to find herself' get yourself the best divorce lawyer going and start the process rolling, make sure you get custody of those kids.

 

I think he is afraid of the possible legal ramifications if he leaves her junk on the porch.

 

But box it up. you can keep it inside. Tell her since she obviously doesn't care to be at home you have packed her things and she is free to find a new place to live. She'll probably whine and say I come home blah blah blah. But you can say If you cannot be here full time (7 days a week) and be a full time mom you need to leave. Period end of discussion.

 

You need to have some respect for yourself and your kids.

 

Honestly what if she came home tomorrow and said I am ready to stay here from now on. What would you do would you even discuss why she did what she did or just pretend everything is ok?

 

you deserve more than that.

[whichwayisup]

Kind of. I mean I love her and want everything perfect again. She obviously isn't home anyways but says she has the intention of coming home. I'm not saying in the best husband but I have never cheated and never been physically abusive. And I have never left my kids like this. I'm a wreck. I can't focus on anything. I want her to come home but I can't allow myself to be walked all over. Even if she does come home and continues to so this eventually ill be the one who is unhappy and wants to leave

 

Of course you love her. That hasn't changed..But she has! This isn't the woman you married right now. She's selfish, cruel and not putting your needs and the kids needs above her own.

[Jaslyd]

I spoke to a Sheriff and I can't legally throw her things out because they're HER things. What I really need is her help, for her to come home. I'm at work right now, I work in surgery, I can't focus on my job, I want to just walk out this door and run away. I know that wont solve anything though. I have no money and nowhere to go. And I don't want to uproot my kids. Plus if there is going to be a custody hearing I do not want to look unstable.

[hotgurl]

I spoke to a Sheriff and I can't legally throw her things out because they're HER things. What I really need is her help, for her to come home. I'm at work right now, I work in surgery, I can't focus on my job, I want to just walk out this door and run away. I know that wont solve anything though. I have no money and nowhere to go. And I don't want to uproot my kids. Plus if there is going to be a custody hearing I do not want to look unstable.

 

Didn't say throw them out. Box them up put them in they basement, load them in her car.

 

I know you want her to come back and be normal but frankly that is not going to happen.

 

You have to deal with things as they are now. And right now she is not home, doesn't want to be home is different. So instead of wishing things would be different what are you going to do?

[Jaslyd]

She has been texting me and saying she regrets everything and is sincerely sorry, whether this is true or not who knows. She said she will be home in the AM and wants to work in everything. I do too but I am NOT withdrawing the custody petition. If she flakes out and disappears again, as she has done before I don't want to have to wait another 6 weeks for a court date. My date will be around 6 weeks from now. They said I can call the night before and withdraw my petition if I want to. So I figure she has 6 weeks to prove to me that she can be a wife and a mom again. I'm not innocent either. I have fought with her about, what I realize now was very stupid ****. I've learned a lot from this too. If you google "walk away wife syndrome" it describes what led up to this almost perfectly. She still swears up and down that she hasn't cheated on me, in my opinion that is one thing I can never forgive. I've never even come close to doing it in 13yrs. You don't just cheat in your spouse, you cheat in your kids too. We'll see what happens. I want my family back but I will not be walked all over anymore.

[robf1971]

and wants to work in everything..

 

Words, just words my friend. If words were money we'd all be billionaires. Actions are the ONLY things that count. Ohh and she's testing you by the way to see how easy it is to get you to back down over the custody issue. Google fitness testing, women do it all the time. Subconciously or otherwise she wants to see you stick up for yourself, because she wants a man who can stick up for her.

 

I'd put a weeks wages on her offering you sex if all else fails, that's another one to Google 'tagging'.

[Jaslyd]

Thanks. Ill look into those. My custody petition I filed in Monday came today via sheriff. She's apparently on her way home now. I don't think she's going to be too happy when she gets home and sees that. She told me to cancel the petition but like I said before I'd have to be an idiot to do that and then she takes off again and I'm back at square 1. She told me before that she can't work in things at home with a custody hearing pending. I need to look out for me and my kids. The hearing is in 10wks, they told me I can call the night before the hearing and cancel it if I want. The way I look at it she has 10wks to prove herself even if not as a wife anymore she at least needs to prove herself as a mom. Considering moving back to NY State where all if my family is. Waiting to hear back from my attorney to see if this is in my best interest especially with a pending hearing

[stillafool]

Yes, you can bet she has been having sex with other men. Sorry, but her words don't add up, her actions do. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's a duck. The only way you are going to see a change in her is to take a hard stand and tell her YOU ARE NOT WELCOMED IN THIS HOME ANY LONGER and mean it. Pack her stuff and have it waiting for her when/if she gets there. She is telling you the same things she's said before and then takes your money and leaves. She's probably out of money. How does she hold a job if she's never there? Once she realizes she has no one to go home to maybe, just maybe she will know that there is no more security blanket for her to fall back on. You should have told her not to bother coming back but to stay where she is or you will drop her stuff off. Women want a man they can respect and if you let her get away with disrepecting you you will never get her back the way you want her.

[Quiet Storm]

It sounds like it could be drugs, as well as an affair. I would suspect she has a boyfriend that is into drugs, and she has now picked up those habits. Probably something very addictive like pills or meth. Drugs are like a "best friend" to a person that has made bad choices and has hurt loved ones. Drugs numb out feelings of guilt. They keep a person from facing the truth and being accountable. They also can suppress a mother's instinct to nurture & protect her kids.

[beatcuff]

you need to slow down and prioritize. right now the [water] dam of your life has been breached and you want to know why. that is normal - i did/would. that is not important, NOW. you have children, a 'situation' with one and money issues. make the children's lives as normal as possible (still take them to soccer practice, etc). make certain the oldest know her options. decide whether you can accept it.

 

STOP PAYING HER BILLS. what a life she has, party when she wants, work when she wants, stay where she wants, money when she needs it. sounds like a teenager - sounds like time for tough love.

 

only when you stop giving her money will the truth [may] come out.

[Jaslyd]

I agree with all of your advice. It seems like everyone sees what I suspect and she doesn't (or won't admit) she makes me sound like I'm crazy and paranoid for feeling the way I feel, to the point where sometimes I feel like maybe I AM crazy. Which is why I started this thread. I started questioning not only the way I'm perceiving things but also the way I'm coping (or trying to cope and make sense of everything) she came home and sure enough the petition was waiting for her. I told her that WE have 10wks to fix our marriage. Or at least our parenting. I say "we" because I'm sure one way or another I did some things to at least partially contribute to it leading to this. Now she wants me to cancel the petition and is saying she feels threatened and can't focus on fixing things with this hanging over her head. I just know that if I do cancel it maybe a week will go by and it'll happen again. A time or 2 ago she was literally crying and begging for forgiveness, crying in public out of nowhere and asking for me to forgive her... And just when I agreed to begin to try she took off again. I said it before and ill say it again, I'd be an idiot to cancel this thing

[Jaslyd]

And again thanks everyone for your input. I at least feel like I'm not crazy anymore. I read these replies a few times a day and I feel like you guys are helping me keep my sanity!

[Owl]

Tell her that you're sorry that she feels threatened by this "hanging over her head".

 

But...you've felt ABANDONED by her behavior and attitude, and until you see that change long term, you're not willing to retract the petition.

 

Make it clear that this is a result of HER actions...not yours.

 

DO NOT ACCEPT BLAME FOR THINGS THAT ARE NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

Read that again...

 

Make it clear to her...she has two options. She starts taking positive strides towards becoming a wife and mother again...RIGHT NOW...AND LONG TERM........or, she can pack her stuff and move out now. Since she can sleep in that parking garage so well, she can make it her home of record if she likes. You'll help her pack whatever she needs in the car with her, and she can find a storage unit for the rest.

 

THAT POINT BLANK.

 

Stop letting her dictate what's happening here...take control back into your own life.

[2sunny]

Just because she decides to "show up" now - doesn't mean YOU have to see her!

 

Tell her no!

 

She probably needs money - don't see her or give her a thing!

 

And certainly don't g near her - who knows what she's likely to "give you"! Stds come to mind.

 

She shows signs of cheating and drug use.

 

Keep her away!

[Floored]

Don't ever cancel that appointment. Is it too late to suggest marriage counseling? Something still seems off, way way off.

 

You're not crazy or paranoid, and you're taking the proper steps to ensure your children are safe.

[Jaslyd]

Ok so here's the latest update:

After 8 days she came home Thursday. She gave our 11yr old $30 for lunch and bought them Chinese food. Still says she can't work on our marriage because of the impending court hearing and refuses to do so unless I cancel it..... Bull****, not happening! Actually went to work Thursday night (at least I think so, she at least called me from her work phone) and came home at around 8:45am the next morning, which is a usual time from when things were normal. She did however tell me the night before that I could use the car... At this point it's the principle, but when she pulled up in it as I was leaving in the other vehicle she made up some lame excuse that she had to go somewhere and didn't let me take the car. Rather than fight about it in my driveway I left. Went to my 1st counseling session. I need to fix myself too, I'm a mess because if this. I only laid out the facts about this to my counselor, I need a professional opinion on this. She said the confusion I'm feeling is totally normal, she's seen this 100 times before. She also said it looks like infidelity or drugs and that moms don't just up and leave their kids. And ways I came home from work and she was already gone said she had to work 7pm-7am which I find odd because her usual shift has always been 11pm-7am. So whatever, she's at work and I just got back from taking my kids for ice cream and goin to a corn maze. She's out doing whatever and living the life she wants.... I'm here doing things with my kids and living the life I want.

[Jaslyd]

Another update-

It's Monday morning now and ill have to say the weekend was a good one. Her and I went to see a movie together Saturday night and even held hands. She told me she loved me for the first time in a long time. I feel like I partially drive her to this crisis-mode but the way she went about things is totally wrong. Sunday morning I took her to the GYN to get some labs drawn. They're checking for a hormone imbalance. Which would explain a lot. She has gone to work every night and come home on time every day. I got sick last night and she even took care of me while I was sick. Just having her around makes all of this stress go away. Still not sure where she has been or what she has been doing but there comes a time when you have to make an choice.... Assume there was no infidelity, lets be honest, if there was I will probably never know. And try to save my marriage... OR I could keep living my life in a constant stress and paranoia. Always wondering where she is and what she's doing. Either way I will not tolerate behavior like I have. If she truly wants to fix our marriage then ill try too. If she continues the old behavior then I guess there is no making this work. Regardless of what I do. Either way I am not getting my hopes up. We've had good weekends before and out of nowhere for no apparent reason she has taken off. I hope that doesn't happen again, but I'm not betting on it

[2sunny]

Have the lab find out what drugs she's been using.

 

When she disappears for odd times - drug test her. If she won't take a test - kick her out.

 

Is the lab also testing her for stds? You should request that too!

[Sporty Girl]

This woman has clearly lost a grip with reality. She has a family with you, but does not want to own up, or be a responsible adult like she is. She is not a teenager anymore, yet she acts like one. I think that she wishes that she was younger, and never had kids, or responsibilities. You need to wake up.

 

For you to keep making her payments, you are showing her that you have to bow down to her, and that she can financially control you. Sounds like she is doing some partying or something like that, and that she is away all that time, because all she cares about is getting drunk or high, and hanging out with people that do that.

 

Just leave her and cut her off financially, let the next guy be the sucker. She is not a caring mother and does not deserve to be a mother to her daughters. I think even if you file for custody she does not even care, because she is not there anyways. She sounds more like a whore to me.

[Jaslyd]

So here is the latest update. Not sure what I wrote last but here it is:

I was just discharged from the hospital. Intestinal issues. All tests came back fine. I've come to the conclusion it's all stress related. I was there for 3 nights. After a great weekend last weekend with the wife/occasional room mate she left Monday morning and still has not come home. I don't really know what the excuse is this time, she knew I was in the hospital and still wasn't home with the kids. So it can't be "I was mad at you an didn't want to see you" because I wasn't there anyways. She said she was coming home today. If you still want to call it "home". I hate to let her back in but I really need help with the kids and my 11&6yr olds really miss their mom. She never once came home when I was in the hospital let alone came to visit me there. I've come to the conclusion that I need to stop being a whiny, needy, little girl (no offense) and stop relying on her for happiness. I need to rely on ME for happiness. Trust me this is A LOT easier said than done. But I can't keep letting this get to me and I can't just sit back anymore and watch myself get sick mentally and physically. I'm sure there will be some lapses in judgement along the way because I'm an idiot and still love and miss her but regardless of what I do she is goin to do whatever she wants. I'm very tempted to pack mine and my kids things up and go to NY where I have family. My attorney says I have every reason to do this. But once again I hate to take my kids away from their friends and school. I don't want to make an impulsive decision that ill regret. If I did that there would be no more job, or place to live here.... There would be no turning back.

[Gunny376]

If I did that there would be no more job, or place to live here.... There would be no turning back.

 

When Cortez landed in Mexico, he burned his ships. There was no turning back. To say that he and his men were positively motivated to suceed would be an understatement. They literally discovered and conquered a whole new world. (How they went about doing it we'll leave for another time and place)

 

That's what friends and family are for ~ to fall back on in our times of need. The whole prodical son and all. As youi will often find throughout Life ~ sometimes you just need a fresh start. That it sounds like to me.

 

If you keep making yourself physically/, mentally, and emotinally ill due to the stress and worry over the wife and all that she's doing (and not doing) your not going to be any good to yourself NOR your Dear Daughters. You've got to make this move for not only yourself but for their sake. They'll find a new school and new friends.

 

Anyone who's lived a certain amount of time knows that true friends in life are few, far and in between. People come and people go ~ there's not one single monkey that makes the show. The grave yard is filled with people that we just can't do nor live without. Such is your case.

 

The wife has grown to be more of a libality and not an asset. She's no longer part of the solution ~ she's a very large and significant part of the problem. She's not part of the answers? She's the question. Time to factor her out of the equation and seek out a fresh start.

 

Its one thing to blow smoke up your skirt about she doesn't want to be around you nor see you. Its another for your to be in the hospital, and leave your young daughters to fend for themselves are rely upon neighbors and such to do so.

 

We're it me? I wouldn't be going? I'd be gone!

[Jaslyd]

My only concerns are that it would look bad on me going to court. Which is already scheduled here in the state I currently live in. My attorney said I have just cause to up and leave. I would be in a new state but basically living with and off of family. And I would be jobless. If she were to ER an emergency order for me to return I'd be penniless and homeless coming back here and still be forced to bring the kids back. Otherwise I'd just have to come back for the court date and I'm pretty sure I have enough evidence and cause for them to grant me sole custody but then again the "system" often works in mysterious ways. My other concern is that my pregnant teenage daughter wouldn't want to leave her boyfriend, the father of her unborn child which she is giving up for adoption. I'm not sure where she would live and stay.

[Ami1uwant]

This stuff is very typical. This sounds like she is having an affair. The reason she was with you is because her BF was out of town with his family.

 

She has abandomed the kids and the kids can testify about this at the hearing. They are witnesses to the fact she wasnt home for them.

 

You do not cancel this hearing no matter what and you need to stop relying on her for anything.

 

For this relationship to go anywhere the terms are she needs to open up everything to you such as facebook, keys to the car, etc.

 

 

Do you own a home or rent? If you rent when does your lease come up for renewal? You can redo your lease now and remove her name on it since she has abandoned you.