Seeing a married man no judgements

[ozziegal8]

I have been seeing a married man for 3 months, he has been married for 15 years with one child. We met through a friend initially i kept it platonic, but he pursued me, we would have lunch, I never initiated texts or catching up it was all him. He freaked out a few times got the guilts i just said im happy to be mates. Well that made him want me even more. I did not sleep with for 6 weeks. After our first sexual encounter he told me he has issues with orgasmming as his wife has not let him come inside her for 12 years. He came and met my mates and made out to them he was into me. I have only been working 3 days a week so it has been easy for him to catchup with me. He has stated many times he doesnt want to just have sex. He txts me 20 times a day even when he is home at night. Up until 2 weeks ago things were full on. Then he has backed off i.e. no texting on weekends. A month ago i asked if he would leave he said he would he said its all about leaving his son on his own as he does everything for him.

I went away last weekend he was txting me all day and night when i was out with friends asking what the guy talent was like? I then didnt hear from him for 2 days which is unusual. Then he txts its school holidays. We caught up on the Tuesday. I told him i am starting to miss him, he then say's how weak he is and has thought about leaving wife for 4 years and has done nothing. He said he has strong connections with me but not in love with wife anymore but doesnt know if he will leave cos of child being on his own. He told me if i meet a guy that can give me what he cant i should do it. That made me feel awful. I asked why he has been distant he said he hasnt and will contact me more. He did this for 2 days last week even when i was out one night. I didnt hear from him all weekend, its now Monday and i get a text from him this morning asking me how my weekend was an reciting everything i did. I replied a few hours later not going into much detail and asked how his weekend was, he said fairly quiet. Hmmm not sure if it was quiet why he couldnt have text me. I havent instigated anything now after he sent that text earlier today.

I know everyone will tell me off and say you shouldnt see a married guy.

I just wonder why he has backed off and no texts, he could have text yesterday if he was on back yard all day.What do i do now?

[skywriter]

ozziegal, "What do I do now?"

 

That's a loaded question.

 

You will find that being in an A, requires alot of compartmentalising of emotions.

 

What do you feel that you should do now?

[ozziegal8]

back off? or ask to see him and demand the truth?

[MissBee]

back off? or ask to see him and demand the truth?

 

What truth would you demand?

 

It seems like he's been truthful. He hasn't lied about being married, he's admitted to being weak and how he's tried to leave for 4 years but hasn't, he's admitted he won't leave because of his son, he has admitted guilt before, he told you if you meet a man who can give you what you want you should go for it and now he's being distant.

 

 

Ozziegirl...I think "the truth" is plain here, but perhaps you're hoping for him to magically grow a pair or magically tell you something more wonderful than the plain truth. This man is in no way ready to leave his marriage or be with you and he has made it all too clear. At this point, you either accept his periodic texts and hook ups and be satisfied with that or realize it's not going anywhere and back off. I personally would take his advice and move on and find someone new.

[skywriter]

ozziegal8;]back off? or ask to see him and demand the truth?

 

 

I'm an exOW, and I know from my own experience that telling someone involved in an A what to do, falls on deaf ears.

 

I will tell you that if a MM is gonna leave his marriage he usually will do it early on in an A. Those that drag it out for years, are usually not leaving.

 

I can tell you, the MM that I was with put me through what I describe as the push pull.

 

He'd be all hot and heavy pulling me into the A when he wanted it. Then he'd push me away, generally when he was getting his needs met elsewhere.

 

If I questioned him or tried to make contact to discuss this, he'd respond with, apologies followed by, "You knew I was married".

 

The exMM also told me if I met someone and I wanted to persue a serious relationship that he'd encourage it. So when I had dates or weekends away, he was texting me, making things awkward.

 

To me, I interpret this as the MM saying, "I'm not leaving so, do what you have to."

 

Demands don't work.

 

I'm not here to judge you or tell you off. This is an OM/OW's place to post. I've been in your predicament, so I know how you are feeling.

[PeineDeCoeur]

OP, you don't say what it is you want out of your A. "What do I do now?" - now is the time to think about what it is you are looking for in a relationship and whether he is likely to give it to you.

 

Those of us who have been in your shoes know that the push/pull of the A can keep you hooked in for a long time. Do yourself a favour now and really be clear with yourself about what you want from a relationship. Then consider whether you are going to get what you need from your MM.

 

If you keep seeing him, just be aware of the dynamic and what it does to you. The highs are great, but the lows are terrible, and for me, being constantly disappointed was hard to take after awhile. I wonder sometimes if this is what makes us want them more.

[AnotherRound]

I have been seeing a married man for 3 months, he has been married for 15 years with one child. We met through a friend initially i kept it platonic, but he pursued me, we would have lunch, I never initiated texts or catching up it was all him. He freaked out a few times got the guilts i just said im happy to be mates. Well that made him want me even more. I did not sleep with for 6 weeks. After our first sexual encounter he told me he has issues with orgasmming as his wife has not let him come inside her for 12 years. He came and met my mates and made out to them he was into me. I have only been working 3 days a week so it has been easy for him to catchup with me. He has stated many times he doesnt want to just have sex. He txts me 20 times a day even when he is home at night. Up until 2 weeks ago things were full on. Then he has backed off i.e. no texting on weekends. A month ago i asked if he would leave he said he would he said its all about leaving his son on his own as he does everything for him.

I went away last weekend he was txting me all day and night when i was out with friends asking what the guy talent was like? I then didnt hear from him for 2 days which is unusual. Then he txts its school holidays. We caught up on the Tuesday. I told him i am starting to miss him, he then say's how weak he is and has thought about leaving wife for 4 years and has done nothing. He said he has strong connections with me but not in love with wife anymore but doesnt know if he will leave cos of child being on his own. He told me if i meet a guy that can give me what he cant i should do it. That made me feel awful. I asked why he has been distant he said he hasnt and will contact me more. He did this for 2 days last week even when i was out one night. I didnt hear from him all weekend, its now Monday and i get a text from him this morning asking me how my weekend was an reciting everything i did. I replied a few hours later not going into much detail and asked how his weekend was, he said fairly quiet. Hmmm not sure if it was quiet why he couldnt have text me. I havent instigated anything now after he sent that text earlier today.

I know everyone will tell me off and say you shouldnt see a married guy.

I just wonder why he has backed off and no texts, he could have text yesterday if he was on back yard all day.What do i do now?

 

I would only ask you one thing. What would you do if ANYONE was treating you the way that MM is? Would you accept it? Why or why not?

 

Just bc he is married does not, imo, allow him extra leeway. There are many here who have been the OW who did not accept less than they wanted simply bc their partner was married. Why would you? If any relationship isn't giving you what you want or need, or is making you move your own boundaries around, it's not a healthy relationship most likely. The fact that he is married is really irrelevant in all of that. As, there are many married men who can and do provide their OW with a full relationship and meet her relationship needs with ease and honesty.

 

Just as a comparison, I was in a relationship with a MM and he called me every single day, even if we didn't get a chance to talk, just to tell me that he was thinking of me, missed me, loved me, etc. He never just dropped off the face of the earth for any amount of time, as that would have been a dealbreaker for me. He made sure that he made contact with me - when he was at events with his stbxw, when he was on vacation, none of that stopped him from making time to contact me.

 

If something that you need in relationships is solid contact, with very few (or none) unexplained breaks, then this MM is not providing that to you. Instead of focusing on why he is pulling back, maybe focus on why that isn't working for you - and then making a decision about whether or not this relationship is what you want or need anyway. Don't give him all the power to make the rules of the relationship - your needs and wants count just as much as his do, and if you don't acknowledge them and respect them, he won't either.

 

Good luck - it's not a great place to be all the time, but it's just like any other relationship with ups and downs - just a few added and extra complications. Doesn't mean it is allowed to not meet your needs. Keep us updated!

Edited October 1, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Civility and respect.

[underwater2010]

You need to figure out what you want. Are you okay with the status quo of being 2nd? If so then you cannot complain. He will give you time when he is not with his family. If you cannot handle the lack of contact then you need to find a man that is AVAILABLE. Also, when chosing a MM, you might want to look for one with no kids or older kids. It seems that it is easier for them to leave their marriage.

[nofool4u]

I just wonder why he has backed off and no texts, he could have text yesterday if he was on back yard all day.What do i do now?

 

Could be he is getting close to getting caught.

 

Could be the sex is no longer an exciting conquest to him and he'd rather be doing it to another OW. I'd vote for him getting his exciting side piece and its now not fun for him anymore.

[ComingInHot]

How do you feel about all this? It sounds as if you are looking for answers (which many of theses great gals have) . As far as questioning him or not, I think if it were me, could I believe the answers let alone handle them.

It's a tough spot to place yourself in. I wish you well*

[ozziegal8]

What truth would you demand?

 

It seems like he's been truthful. He hasn't lied about being married, he's admitted to being weak and how he's tried to leave for 4 years but hasn't, he's admitted he won't leave because of his son, he has admitted guilt before, he told you if you meet a man who can give you what you want you should go for it and now he's being distant.

 

 

Ozziegirl...I think "the truth" is plain here, but perhaps you're hoping for him to magically grow a pair or magically tell you something more wonderful than the plain truth. This man is in no way ready to leave his marriage or be with you and he has made it all too clear. At this point, you either accept his periodic texts and hook ups and be satisfied with that or realize it's not going anywhere and back off. I personally would take his advice and move on and find someone new.

 

hi did you mean to say needs to toughen up?

[ozziegal8]

thanks, so there is such thing as a push/pull scenario in A's?

[ozziegal8]

thanks for your reply are you able to please tell me your experience?

[ozziegal8]

hmmm funny he sent another text today being normal?

[ozziegal8]

Well part of being involved with a married guy is expecting that you won't necessarily hear from him when you want to. If you want to be involved with him, you kinda have to know that right from the beginning. And ignore where people say "always being second, or side dish" or whatever term meant to be demeaning and make you feel like hell that it chosen. Just decide if you are going to be ok with the limitations that might be on a relationship with him, and be clear with him from the beginning, and most importantly, be honest with you.

 

Decide what it is you are looking for. I can give you some suggestions if you are looking for ways to stay happy and content in this, if it's what you want. If you are looking for him to say Hey I love you madly,let's run away together, it doesn't happen as often as you might like.

 

Sit down, look at your options, decide what you want,, can live with and need from him.

 

Then, go from there.

hi lfh, are you able to give some suggestions or ways to deal with this please?

[ozziegal8]

Um..it was the weekend ... time with his wife. He can't be texting his mistress on the weekends...his wife might find out..even though he claims to not love her...he still wants to protect her from being hurt to know that he is sleeping with some girl.

 

And of course he does everything for his kid....many cheating MM use that excuse as to why they won't leave.

 

You have 2 choices:

 

suck it up and realize you are the OW which entitles you to nothing - no demands, no priority, nothing. You are on call for when he can get a minute and you need to know your place -- he will contact you when he feels like it.

 

end it. Decide you want more and won't tolerate being a f*ck buddy.

 

And FYI - just because he texted you or called you doesn't mean anything, except he was fishing and you bit. Doesn't mean he must have you, doesn't mean he loves you. Means he wanted to see if he could get you into bed and he did.

thing is up until 2 weeks ago he was texting me on weekends especially in the mornings usually to see what i was doing that day? now its stopped.

[carhill]

What do i do now?

 

Depends on what you want.

 

I can tell you, from loving a few MW's over the decades, what you're hearing is a pretty common 'style' of interaction from married people who engage in extra-marital relations. They innocently embroil the OP in their milieu and it feels like intimacy and people often go with feelings.

 

Personally, I would see the dynamic for what it is. One potential of billions in the world and life. If he moves to prioritize you and end his M, that's a potential. If you and he continue as current, something I call a push-pull, and find that satisfying, that's another potential. If you walk away, that's another potential. If you continue with him and still actively look for an available partner, that's another potential. Lots of potentials.

 

I'm an old fart with not a lot of life left so take my opinion for what it's worth..... it's easy to dump a lot one's life and love into this stuff. Each person's path is different but I'd likely not walk that particular path again, for far more reasons than it not working out in the end. It's the process I'd walk away from, not the potential. YMMV. Good luck.

[ozziegal8]

Hi guys

Well its now Tuesday, after receiving a message yesterday from him i made my response very 'platonic', he has now sent another text this morning asking me how my day is going and telling me about his day???

[carhill]

Expect this to continue. What will likely happen is the rubber band will stretch tighter, intimacy will deepen, you and he will 'slip' and be intimate again, then the rubber band will 'snap' and the cycle will start over again. Could be wrong but I've seen enough of it personally to infer commonalities. It can go on for as long as the two people are willing/desiring to remain in it.

[ozziegal8]

Expect this to continue. What will likely happen is the rubber band will stretch tighter, intimacy will deepen, you and he will 'slip' and be intimate again, then the rubber band will 'snap' and the cycle will start over again. Could be wrong but I've seen enough of it personally to infer commonalities. It can go on for as long as the two people are willing/desiring to remain in it.

so you mean he will come back again then disappear?

[carhill]

Considering how quickly the relationship moved from first meeting to sex, yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. Guys who have been married that long know how to deal with women and get what they want, even if it seems a bit clumsy on the surface.

 

You appear to have been single awhile and actively dating. I didn't read your backstory in any detail. Have you been married? If you have, perhaps a different approach can be considered, predicated upon how such experiences change a person.

 

Here's a question: What do you want for yourself, today? I'm not asking relevant to this man in particular, but rather in general, in your personal life?

[ozziegal8]

Considering how quickly the relationship moved from first meeting to sex, yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. Guys who have been married that long know how to deal with women and get what they want, even if it seems a bit clumsy on the surface.

 

You appear to have been single awhile and actively dating. I didn't read your backstory in any detail. Have you been married? If you have, perhaps a different approach can be considered, predicated upon how such experiences change a person.

 

Here's a question: What do you want for yourself, today? I'm not asking relevant to this man in particular, but rather in general, in your personal life?

 

hmmm so what do i say/do when he texts again? i have been single for 2 years now dating on/off been messed around alot, i want someone like a friend that can be my lover and my mate who loves me.

[veryhappy]

I have a general piece of advice: if a man becomes distant after 3 months, run. You don't want to be the woman who has to hold a man. It will ruin your self esteem. You will glow, and be happy when he'll act crazy in love. It has to last at least a few years.

 

Now...for the affair. Major red flag: guilt. As I see it, now he's only keeping you around because you are convenient. He's feeling guilty and maybe would like to stop, but the ego boost and fun are too much to completely say no.

 

You'll dance the dance until you'll be done, but know that if you have any hopes to be with him, you are infinitelly better off killing them now for good.

[ozziegal8]

so you think he is backing of because of guilt?

[veryhappy]

so you think he is backing of because of guilt?

 

It can be guilt, it can be that things are better with his M, it can be that he's not interested enough in you and afraid you'll want to become serious about him, it could be that the W got suspicious.

 

The question is: why are you willing to be waiting for this man's texts and attention? Even for an A, he's not giving you much and everything is on his terms. Doesn't it make you feel like you deserve better?