Seeing a married man no judgements

[2sure]

You asked him if he would leave and he said no.

If he isn't giving you what you want...don't hang around to take whatever he will give you. That can't be good.

[ozziegal8]

i asked a month ago if he would leave he said he would gave me all these scenario's how he would do it etc. i asked him last week if he would leave he said he didnt know. why the change?

[2sure]

What change except he backed off ?? I mean , do what you want but this guy already told you not to hold your breath.

[ozziegal8]

i dont get how someone could stay in a marriage when they are not in love anymore?

[whichwayisup]

i dont get how someone could stay in a marriage when they are not in love anymore?

 

Because it all depends on each persons definition of in love is. To you is it heart throbbing and swellling heart feelings? Is it about sex? Lust?

 

He may not have fluttering heart feelings for his wife, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love her or isn't in love with her.

 

It's more than that. It's they've chosen to build a life together...They share everything and they are family.

 

Not sure how a 7 month affair vs a long marriage comes into play here. His actions are telling you as his words ,he isn't leaving. Why? Because he doesn't want to. It's that simple.

 

Either accept the role of the OW, that this is an affair. Nothing more, nothing less. To him it's an affair..To you, you want more and he is unable to give that to you. He has the right to choose to stay married and want to keep you as his affair partner. YOU have the right to either end it or stay.

 

What you shared with him in 7 months isn't the same as what he has shared with his wife. The glue that holds them together is much stronger than what holds him in the affair to you.

[ozziegal8]

he told me many times he has wanted to leave for 4 years he told me he loves her and cares what happens but not in love they are more like acquantainces. im not sure if i mentioned earlier as well about their strange sex routine for 12 years? he said 12 years ago they went on holiday and he wanted to leave then as he was alone the whole time when he got back he wanted to end it but then she got pregnant.

[whichwayisup]

he told me many times he has wanted to leave for 4 years he told me he loves her and cares what happens but not in love they are more like acquantainces. im not sure if i mentioned earlier as well about their strange sex routine for 12 years? he said 12 years ago they went on holiday and he wanted to leave then as he was alone the whole time when he got back he wanted to end it but then she got pregnant.

 

Don't believe every single word that comes out of his mouth. Just because he 'said it' doesn't make it true!

 

Your MM has lied to his wife, so don't you think he'd lie or omit truths/exaggerate things around you?? DO you believe that all he tells you is the truth, honest and up front?

 

You need to take a step back and get some distance between you and him so you can see things from a different angle. Right now you're reacting and thinking on emotions and what you believe he has told you.

 

WHAT IF all that he's told you are lies??

 

People who want to divorce, DO so. They just suck it up and do what needs to happen so the D goes through.

 

He isn't sure. He's told you this and his actions show you this too.

 

Stop putting all the focus on him and turn it onto yourself. Why are you sticking around being second fiddle to man who can't decide who he wants?

 

7 months vs 12 years... Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. Who do you think he's going to choose if he's forced to choose between you and his wife (family)?? Give that some thought.

[carhill]

OP, question: Do you think you are/would be more or less willing to believe this man wrt his intentions versus a similar single man in similar circumstances, with him being involved with another woman? Why? Is there something about him being married which makes him, meaning his story, more believable? That's part of the reason I was curious if you had been married before. You appear to have substantial experience dating single men.

 

Ronald Reagan, a past President in the US, had a famous slogan when dealing with the former Soviet Union and nuclear weapons. His slogan was 'trust, but verify'. People's opinions of him varied but I thought those words to impart wisdom at a time when I was dealing with similar (to your) issues with a MW.

 

I'd suggest continuing to date single men and see how this goes.

[AnotherRound]

There are a lot of reasons he could be pulling back. He is the only one who knows why he is - everyone else is just guessing, including you. Just ask him???

 

If he isn't telling you why, or you don't feel comfortable asking him why, I'm not sure that's the kind of communication I would want in a relationship. But what it all comes down to is, the relationship meets your needs or it doesn't. If you are willing to talk to him about it, you should and go from there.

 

If I was in your position, I would not be okay with anyone pulling away like that in any type of relationship, affair or not. MM can and do give their OWs a lot of communication and time when they are invested. I saw my exMM for 7 years and he never did the push/pull with me, never has, and I wouldn't have accepted it, bc that's a dealbreaker for me.

 

You need to figure out what your dealbreakers are. If this isn't one of them, that's your call - but you aren't going to know why he is doing it unless he honestly tells you, imo.

[skywriter]

ozziegal,

 

My exMM would pull away for a couple of weeks, then call, asking why haven't I called him?

 

I knew he was blowing smoke up my ass. He wasn't interested in me calling, this is how he operates and I wasn't his only other.

 

It's dangerous for many reasons involving yourself with philanderers. By the time you realise what they are truly capable of you could be emotionally invested, but that's no reason to compromise your health, mentally and physically.

[ozziegal8]

i have been really down, im really confused i know in my head i need to end it, then tonight he texts again...

[soccerrprp]

sorry, ozziegal8, to relieve yourself of the pain, you need to end it...for your health, for common decency...he's likely keeping you on the sidelines for his sex/emotion toy...why would you want a man that cheats on his wife?

 

yes, judging...how can i not?

[ozziegal8]

and y has he backed off is it something i have done?

[ComingInHot]

Ozziegal:

 

I can only speak from my own experience & from what others have told me about "how can he stay married when not IN love anymore".

 

I can truly say that I have fallen "in love" w/my husband twice now. I have fallen "out of love" w/him once so far. I have NEVER stopped loving him though. It just hasn't gotten to that point, for then, I would leave.

 

I can also say that all relationships have ups & downs and to maintain a healthy relationship, a lot of work & maintenance needs to go into it. Some days I Don't feel like putting forward the effort that is needed in keeping my husband "happy". Maybe I just don't want to shave my legs & put on makeup & "do" my hair. Does that mean I've "let myself go", or I don't love him? Not at all! Is this something he may or may not use as an excuse to get some "outside attention"? Yep.. (at least he did back when he cheated). Ultimately, and again this is just my situation, when the OW pushed for more, my husband did the dance of, "I need time, got to get my finances in order, I will leave her but I need to do it so I won't hurt her, THEN when that got stale he went into the, "I don't want to hurt my kids, she is a good mother, I've decided to stay & work on my marriage" to finally him telling her it was over.

 

I guess I'm telling you this because, if any of the things above that my husband said are things you are hearing, then question him. It isn't nice of him to reel you in emotionally to satisfy his own "urges" then to play the back & forth game as if he's questioning his marriage because of you when he may just be buying time.

 

I saw and felt how hurt angry my FWH's OW was & seems to still be. I SO don't want that for you or anyone else.

 

Wow sorry I kind of went off on a rant but I get a little bent when I see the games of some of these husbands...

[ozziegal8]

Ozziegal:

 

I can only speak from my own experience & from what others have told me about "how can he stay married when not IN love anymore".

 

I can truly say that I have fallen "in love" w/my husband twice now. I have fallen "out of love" w/him once so far. I have NEVER stopped loving him though. It just hasn't gotten to that point, for then, I would leave.

 

I can also say that all relationships have ups & downs and to maintain a healthy relationship, a lot of work & maintenance needs to go into it. Some days I Don't feel like putting forward the effort that is needed in keeping my husband "happy". Maybe I just don't want to shave my legs & put on makeup & "do" my hair. Does that mean I've "let myself go", or I don't love him? Not at all! Is this something he may or may not use as an excuse to get some "outside attention"? Yep.. (at least he did back when he cheated). Ultimately, and again this is just my situation, when the OW pushed for more, my husband did the dance of, "I need time, got to get my finances in order, I will leave her but I need to do it so I won't hurt her, THEN when that got stale he went into the, "I don't want to hurt my kids, she is a good mother, I've decided to stay & work on my marriage" to finally him telling her it was over.

 

I guess I'm telling you this because, if any of the things above that my husband said are things you are hearing, then question him. It isn't nice of him to reel you in emotionally to satisfy his own "urges" then to play the back & forth game as if he's questioning his marriage because of you when he may just be buying time.

 

I saw and felt how hurt angry my FWH's OW was & seems to still be. I SO don't want that for you or anyone else.

 

Wow sorry I kind of went off on a rant but I get a little bent when I see the games of some of these husbands...

 

 

so what do i say to him? he keeps texting i think i need to see him in person and ask him ?

[Sauron]

Don't believe every single word that comes out of his mouth. Just because he 'said it' doesn't make it true!

 

Your MM has lied to his wife, so don't you think he'd lie or omit truths/exaggerate things around you?? DO you believe that all he tells you is the truth, honest and up front?

 

You need to take a step back and get some distance between you and him so you can see things from a different angle. Right now you're reacting and thinking on emotions and what you believe he has told you.

 

WHAT IF all that he's told you are lies??

 

People who want to divorce, DO so. They just suck it up and do what needs to happen so the D goes through.

 

He isn't sure. He's told you this and his actions show you this too.

 

Stop putting all the focus on him and turn it onto yourself. Why are you sticking around being second fiddle to man who can't decide who he wants?

 

7 months vs 12 years... Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. Who do you think he's going to choose if he's forced to choose between you and his wife (family)?? Give that some thought.

 

I do not agree with this poster. I have an OW and have been in a realtionship with her 7 years. We are both older and it works great for both of us. She never asked me to leave and I take care of her and we are both very happy.

 

There are many reasons why a MM will not get divorced. Not all of us bull$hit our OW. As someone said you just have to accept the role you are in and get from it what you can and if it doesn't work for you move on. If you are younger and want a family of your own then this is not a good role for you and he is definitely not the right partner most likely. If you like having a lover plus freedom and independence then there are benefits. If you want more communications from him or anything else for that matter, just tell him what you need and he will probably accomadate you best he can.

 

I would also say that the reason he told you to not miss opportunities with other men is that he may indeed feel some guilt, guilt about being selfish by having a wife and keeping you on the hook. I doubt very seriously that he feels guilty about his thing with you from his wife's point of view. You are probably making him feel more contentment about his marriage as you are filling a need that is missing in his marriage. Good luck to you.

[ozziegal8]

thanks sauron i have pm'd you. can i ask why you dont not leave your own marriage?

[Sauron]

thanks sauron i have pm'd you. can i ask why you dont not leave your own marriage?

 

Business, money, assets, age and the fact that the whole is worth more than the part. I have a post in the marriage section called staying married for money if you care to read it.

[ozziegal8]

Business, money, assets, age and the fact that the whole is worth more than the part. I have a post in the marriage section called staying married for money if you care to read it.

i read it thanks sauron...i think i will see him in person and chat about how im feeling what do you think? also what do you think of his push pull behaviour? did you do this?

[ozziegal8]

Business, money, assets, age and the fact that the whole is worth more than the part. I have a post in the marriage section called staying married for money if you care to read it.

i read it thanks sauron...i think i will see him in person and chat about how im feeling what do you think? also what do you think of his push pull behaviour? did you do this?

[ComingInHot]

Ozziegal:

 

I can see how easy it is to fall into an Affair situation. I think you may be able to "get" the truth by telling him that if he doesn't take some sort of action by either breaking up w/you OR leaving his wife, that you will respectfully let his Wife know. This may give you the opportunity to "read" him and discover if he is serious about you or not...

 

Whether he gives excuses, begs you outright Not to tell his wife or begs for "just a little more time" or says "alright. I'm divorcing" giving u a deadline, you can see for yourself.

 

I honestly don't know if this is good advice, so hopefully other posters will give their responses for or against.

 

Are you prepared either way?**

[Sauron]

i read it thanks sauron...i think i will see him in person and chat about how im feeling what do you think? also what do you think of his push pull behaviour? did you do this?

 

I don't push or pull anymore and did a bit in the begining as I was starting to see how things were shaping up. My OW did not like it that I mentioned that she should find a more traditional realtionship and took it that I was losing interest in her, which I was not. I do not push or pull anymore, but I like the term.

[ozziegal8]

I don't push or pull anymore and did a bit in the begining as I was starting to see how things were shaping up. My OW did not like it that I mentioned that she should find a more traditional realtionship and took it that I was losing interest in her, which I was not. I do not push or pull anymore, but I like the term.

 

what were you doing to push/pull sauron? and why did you tell your OW that to find a more traditional partner if you werent losing interest?

i feel my MM is backing off in contact.

[ozziegal8]

What specifically are you looking for assistance with? How can I help?

 

Just how to not get anxious and paranoid and needy, and ways to not think about it when i dont here and then pressure him when i see him?

 

I am seeing him tmw he has started texting again, do you know any good sites i can read about the push/pull thing and do i ask anything tmw?

[ozziegal8]

 

 

I don't do the push/pull thing. I don't get it, it smacks of gameplaying to me and I wouldn't engage in it. I'm blunt, I'm honest, I ask for what I want and say what I want. We work within the parameters of that. He tells me what he wants, I tell him what i can give, vice versa. No game playing.

 

How not to get anxious and paranoid and needy... hmmm

some of that comes with time, if you are secure in your relationship with him then you won't be paranoid. If he's lying to you then that will never go away.

I insist on honesty from him and he willingly gives it. I don't "punish him" for it, ever. I may not like it, but we talk about it and

 

For instance, I'd rather he admitted he was sleeping with his wife, than give me a bunch of crap about how he's slept on the couch for half a dozen years, it's not like I didn't know he was married and I'd see through that in a heartbeat in his situation. I don't ask for details certainly (ick) but it's a basic conclusion.

 

I based my relationship with him on the framework that I automatically accepted that he was

• sleeping with his wife
  
• loved his wife
  
• not leaving
  
• going to spend holidays with them (except my birthday. No reason he can't spend MY birthday with me, it's not a holiday for any of his family)
  
• there will be nights I'd prefer he was with me, when he's going to be home
  
• certain times will be family time and you may not hear from him then
  
• his kids WILL (and should) always come first
  

Then I decided whether or not being with him was worth me accepting those things. I was. There were a few things that WERE things I didn't like (they aren't on the list) I told him I wasn't ok with those things. We went from there and compromised.

 

As far as not hearing, why wouldn't you hear? You should know when you will hear from him that's basic respect. If he's not reliable about that, then that's a problem, and I would certainly be thinking about it if I was expecting to hear and didn't.

 

You should come to an agreement about how much time you want together and make a plan together to get it. That will help alleviate any sense of pressure for both of you.

 

It's not an easy road, and one I don't really recommend anyone seeking out, but you're already here. If it's what you want... and it's REALLY what you want, there are a lot of people who will be happy to tell you how to get out of the situation, but if that's not what you want, then those are some of the decisions you have to make to stay happy in it.

 

What to ask him...

"What do you want out of this relationship? What are you looking for? What are you willing to put into it."

 

"Where do you see us long term? Do you see us long term?"

 

"If we stay involved what are your expectations?"

 

Ask whatever YOU need to know. My questions won't be your questions, your questions probably woudln't be my questions.

 

All those things you asked us on this thread.. ask him those. Go from there.

thanks i have asked a few of these last week, i dont want to be a drain every time we see each other. i think i will ask why i didnt hear from on saturday as it was a massive footy day in australia he & i both love the game and i thought he would have text about the game. do you think thats ok? i am worried because i told him last week that im missing him he has backed off. do i ask if he is still having sex with his wife? do you think its weird as well he said if i meet a guy that can give me everything to go for it? ie mean he not that keen on me?