Author ozziegal8 Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 ok i will ask the question, have you been having sex with your wife since you met me? if his answer is yes, i know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Sauron Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 I still have sex with my wife, i's not near the same expierence I have with OW however. Of course one must ask what does sex really mean and I think it means something different to each individual. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 I still have sex with my wife, i's not near the same expierence I have with OW however. Of course one must ask what does sex really mean and I think it means something different to each individual. Good luck. This. Ozziegal8, I think that you need to really sit down and figure out what you are okay with and what you aren't. There are a few MM who are truly NEVER having sex with their wives. There are also a few that are having very perfunctory sex with their wives for whatever reason - duty, to avoid arguments or discussions, or those that are deceitful to avoid raising suspicions. You have to decide what you are okay with - and then go from there. For me, my exMM and his stbxw wife were having very infrequent sex, and he described it in detail to me (there aren't that many details to perfunctory sex), and discussed how robotic (and limited) it had become over the years. Hence, his unhappiness with it - which led to emotional distancing for him bc he was with a partner that he didn't desire, and who didn't desire him. I was okay with this - in that, it didn't bother me at all. If the situation had been reversed, I may have felt obligated to have sex with my H sometimes too. ExMM did often make excuses so that he didn't have to participate, but sometimes, he said it was just easier to participate than to deal with the fallout when he didn't. And eventually, as the marriage died more and more, there were no offers from either side, and both let go of the idea that they "had to" have sex bc they were "married" legally. They were BOTH much happier at that point, it seemed. If you are NOT okay with him having sex with his wife, and he is, dealbreaker. If you are okay with him having sex with his wife, not a dealbreaker. That's the secret - knowing what you are okay with and then identifying what you will NOT deal with. It's different for everyone - not everyone has the same ideas in their head about everything - including sex, marriage, relationships, etc. What are you okay with? What are your dealbreakers? Honestly, make a list, write them out. Then, see how he measures up to those lists... Go from there. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 Exactly. Don't give him any more concessions than you would ANYONE else. He's a guy that you are involved with, why wouldn't the same standards apply? I wish I could like this 1000 times LFH! I'm of the exact same mind as you on this one... he gets even LESS concessions than anyone else BC he's married. His marital status is already imbalancing the relationship, imo, so he has to do a bit more to make it a bit more equal. If exMM had been unable or unwilling to do this, I would have backed out a LONG time ago. I think this is relevant to what Ozziegal8 is willing to accept or not accept - in ANY relationship, but especially in this one. If someone is NOT meeting your needs, or is stepping all over your boundaries, or is hitting every dealbreaker that you have - what is keeping you there? Love is great, but it isn't going to make a relationship devoid of equality work, no matter how strong that love is. It takes a combination of factors to make a strong relationship, love being one small sliver of those things, imo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 6, 2012 Author Share Posted October 6, 2012 ok, i caught up with him on thursday. he has been texting every day this week. he explained lack of contact due to school holidays he has to take care of his son. anyway i just said 'i know you are not going to leave your wife, i know you are confused and stressed, but i enjoy the time we have together but i want you to know that i will also not be waiting around for you and if a nice guy comes along i will not hold back. he said he likes me too that's why he still seeing me and he also said 'good' that if i met someone i would go for it? hmmm that didnt make me feel too good? its so strange as his behaviour say's he is keen on me. i also brought up about the no contact on the football day, he explained that he was in a family environment on an shaped couch and couldnt text but really wanted too, he said next time i will just say 'at home' if i cant text. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 It basically comes down to this. This is an affair that isn't going anywhere. He is not leaving his wife and kids to start a new life with you. You need to either accept things as they are, lower your expectation level, don't put him first (focus on YOUR life, your friends, family, hobbies and even date other men) if you plan on staying in the affair. Accept that there will be many times he can't text you back, call you back, see you etc, because his time with his family doesn't include making time for you. Many other OW have made peace with their affairs, accepting how things are, that is, if they want the A to continue on for years. You seem like you want more than just an affair..? The problem is, this MM has told you (or answered your question) he isn't leaving/divorcing his wife. He will not provide all that you desire and deserve. Hope you get strong to end this affair so you can heal, and one day when you're ready meet a great (single) guy who will treat you well and see you all the time. You won't be second fiddle or made to feel like an after thought. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 6, 2012 Author Share Posted October 6, 2012 i then saw him again yesterday, i felt a kind of resentment towards him this time. i was joking around but i said how come you never make the first move, you are weak, have you ever been like that? he got all funny and said 'yes' sometimes. but im nieve, i told him i think you make out you are nieve and also think you lie. hmmm he say's he doesnt want me to think he is just using me for sex? we slept together but this time i felt weird, not the same as i have before, i felt distant and no connection with him if that makes sense? i am trying to spice it up a bit as i think his marriage's sex life isnt that great but even doing that i felt weird this time and not relaxed and he was making me laugh just with his looks as he just didnt know what he was doing. anyway after it i said give me a hug, he comes out with 'im not a huggy person' hmmm what, that's weird cos he has been a huggy person in the past. I told him he was being very arrogant. i got up then and put my clothes on he knew i was not happy and kept looking at me, he is too scared to face any conflict. he was trying to be funny and crack jokes. he then said i will text you over weekend and come and have lunch with you during the week. hmmm. he is at the races today with married mates, of course they going out later hmmm. he has text me today at races wanting to know what im up too tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 8, 2012 Author Share Posted October 8, 2012 yes i obviously am messed up, im lonely. he has backed off and im taking it personally. i heard from him all saturday (wifey wasnt around). i made some comment about me being the one always to take control in bedroom jokingly and i havent heard since. maybe thats why he didnt hug me he feels intimidated? Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) The exMM that I was involved with preferred me to be the aggressor in the A. In the beginning he chased me, even after I told him I wasn't interested, he continued to show up in places that I was. When I finally accepted his advances, he turned things around gradually. He'd encourage me to call, text, and when we met up he wanted me to make the first move. I realised he wanted me to chase him. Which has never been in my personality. To jump ahead, I in turn realised after some time, he was doing the same thing with other women that I knew. Must be a text book personality trait with MM. Edited October 8, 2012 by skywriter Link to post Share on other sites
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 well i hadnt heard from him since saturday, he was texting and i made a joke about me always making the first move (sex wise) he say's he does this cos he doesnt want me to feel used. hmmm his actions on friday made me feel used, the no hugging bit. i decided to call him today, i said everything ok as i hadnt heard from you? he said yes was going to text you. he was normal??? we are having lunch on thursday. this time im not going to be all nice. im going to say you are confusing me i thought we had resolved stuff after our talk last week, you say you dont want me to feel used yet your actions are making me feel that way. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 well i hadnt heard from him since saturday, he was texting and i made a joke about me always making the first move (sex wise) he say's he does this cos he doesnt want me to feel used. hmmm his actions on friday made me feel used, the no hugging bit. i decided to call him today, i said everything ok as i hadnt heard from you? he said yes was going to text you. he was normal??? we are having lunch on thursday. this time im not going to be all nice. im going to say you are confusing me i thought we had resolved stuff after our talk last week, you say you dont want me to feel used yet your actions are making me feel that way. Careful there, ozziegal, he could get defensive on you. Afterall, the A for him is about "him", and his ego feed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Careful there, ozziegal, he could get defensive on you. Afterall, the A for him is about "him", and his ego feed. Isn't that the truth! ozziegal, why don't you listen to those feelings your feeling. The not hugging you is nagging at you, listen to that. The feelings of being used, listen to that. That voice within you is speaking to you, don't ignore that. Don't settle by listening to his excuses. If it doesn't feel quite right, it just isn't. You matter and you deserve so much more than he's willing to give. Love yourself more than you desire him. He's not worthy of you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 Hm the no hugging thing hasn't happened before? He is normally holding my hand so tight Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 OG, You keep ending up in these situations with guys can't/won't commit or that you shouldn't have looked at twice. You keep asking "why" these guysdo what they do. "why" doesn't matter. "why" is THEIR problem. The only thing that you should be concerned with is that they do it, and drop them because they can't figure out and work out their own "why." I went to a domestic violence group last year. So many women sat their asking "why?" did he treat them like that. Well the general answers are this (for any guy that plays games and worse) A: because he is completely confused about how to properly treat people B: because he doesn't care C: because he has incredibly poor boundaries/weak willed D: because he is using you E: because he's an a*shole Any answer that you pick means a guy isn't relationship material. Find a guy where you don't have to ask "why is he treating me like *hit?" 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 12, 2012 Author Share Posted October 12, 2012 well the texting has stopped this week. i called him during the week as i have decided to go away for a bit and get away from the influences of being there. we planned lunch then he cancelled due to work load so when he rang i asked if everything was ok as not a lot of contact, he said all good he then said he could do a coffee which then turned into a 3 hour lunch not sure why he said before he busy with work? he was normal touchy nice etc. i asked if everything ok as he had been distant he said nothing wrong and he didnt think he had been? he said he would make an effort but i told him only text if you want not cos i asked. i asked about the hugging the week before, he said you have to remember this is all new to me i also dont want to make you feel used as we catch up and have sex and then i have to go home he say's this plays on his mind a lot. anyway we parted ways kissed and i havent heard since that was yesterday. which is weird cos he normally texts, i havent text either. he said nothing is wrong but i know there is... Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 Ozziegal, no one, but no one should ever feel used after having sex, nor obligated nor needy. It should always be a beautiful, loving experience, of course sometimes it is more a gentle sea that a crashing storm, but both have their place and time and it should always leave you (general) feeling good. What do you want and expect from any relationship, not necessarily this one. If you aren't getting you emotional as well as sexual needs met, maybe it isn't what you need, even though it is what you want. It ticks me off when people are expected to expect less from a relationship because it doesn't suit the other. Relationships, any of them are meant to be reciprocal, not all give from one side. It does sound like he is conflicted. Are you getting out of it what you need? If not, then maybe it is time for an establishing of what are dealbreaker's. Take care of you x Link to post Share on other sites
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 12, 2012 Author Share Posted October 12, 2012 you think he sounds conflicted? how and why? Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 It sounds, to me, that he while he is happy to see you, he is conflicted when he returns home to his marriage. I understand some people are able to compartmentalise and keep the A and marriage separate, keeping both areas of their life mentally apart when in the other. His actions, the pulling away one minute and then not, that he says him being with you and then returning home is hard, says, to me, that he is finding it difficult to be in an A, but also that he wants to be. This might be why he is sometimes distant and gives off mixed messages. IDK, only he can really know. I am not judging, but trying to look at how it is presented. I think that sometimes we (general) can only relate to how we might be, how we would feel if we were the other person. In this instance, in sounds like he is maybe struggling to be in an A, not necessarily your A with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 12, 2012 Author Share Posted October 12, 2012 yes you are probably right, i know he wants to do things with me at night but cant. do you think he is struggling going home to see his son every night? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 12, 2012 Author Share Posted October 12, 2012 he also say's that he feels guilty sleeping with me then having to leave as he is not a 'user' Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted October 12, 2012 Share Posted October 12, 2012 "Actions", VS "Words".... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 14, 2012 Author Share Posted October 14, 2012 Well it's my 2nd day of hols feel a lot better not as depressed I went out last night and given a lot of attention I also met a guy nothing serious I just needed to do it. Funny as MM txting a bit yest even when I was out last night my friends told me not to reply as he needs to miss me and I've been too available Is it fair though if I ignore his txts? Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted October 14, 2012 Share Posted October 14, 2012 Glad to hear you are going out and socialising. Stay in the A long enough, and you'll be the one to experience being not included..... It's an A so yes it's fair to not reply to a text when you are out with friends' I thought you went away to get away from the influences.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Share Posted October 15, 2012 What do you mean by not being included? I don't think it's fair he txt when he knew I was out? I feel rude by not replying? Woke up today feeling crap. Do I just ignore him now? Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 What do you mean by not being included? I don't think it's fair he txt when he knew I was out? I feel rude by not replying? Woke up today feeling crap. Do I just ignore him now? If you stay in the A long enough, you'll experience the pangs of not being included....life will happen for yourself , things you'll wanna share, and he won't be available. It could be an life event, a death in a death in hisfamily.Birthdays, holidays, just so many things you might wanna share, heck, a bad day, a good day. You name it... The resentment with fester.....maybe I'm projecting here...my experience... You are not being rude by not answering...You are living your life, what else can you do, be on stand by...? Your choice. If you have to wait four days after it happens, you've been through it and then you meet up, it's past and lost it's meaning.. You'll experience it....and know when it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
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