Girlfriend picks on 'faults' too often.

[Butlerist]

hi people,

 

I've been seeing my girlfriend now who lives over in Germany. We see each other every 2-3 weeks. It's now been six months we've been going out.

 

I've always been there for her no matter what. She's had a traumatic childhood (mum n dad divorce). She always loved the dad and he did so too, but it was always tainted by the issues he had himself and so she was raised by her mum.

 

Things were great, until throughout the period of our relationship she would pick on silly things. She would rip into me and say things like 'why do you hold your fork like that?'. I thought it was really strange. I let it go.

 

We'd have an amazing time together and laugh. Then when getting off the phone I'd say something like 'i love you sweetheart'. She'd suddenly stay silent and when I'd ask what was wrong..she'd say 'you just don't say it with passion'. It's like occasionally nursing a child.

 

During this six month period, I helped her get back in touch with her father again but in small doses. I felt as though if she got older and he passed away, she'd live with the guilt with the rest of her life and I wanted her to know that day would come.

 

When she was unwell, I called places up and got food delivered to her door. She loved it and I was so happy she felt taken care of. Just 48hrs later, she got to the airport and due to traffic I messaged her saying i was going to be 30mins late. Got there and I went to hug her, but she wasn't as receptive. She said 'you left me here for 30mins waiting' etc. Not in an angry, but just a bit fed up. I took her via the same route and showed her the row of cars and said 'want to believe me now with your silly behaviour?'. She said she sometimes feels like I'm not being passionate or truly in love!

 

At the same time she then acknowledges and says she needs to work on her issues, but I've reached a point where I feel punctured.

 

My personal opinion is that although she says 'i adore you, i care about you', that she's in fact the one who doesn't as much. On so many occasions, we've come to make love and during the act she's stopped and said 'i'm so hot..my god..i need an air con' etc. I literally kiss her from head to toe and I'm not gentle at all. I'm dirty in bed with her and never once have I been unadventurous. But I get the feeling that outside of the bedroom she wants somebody slightly edgier and that I may be just slightly too nice outside of the bedroom. When I confront her about it, she says 'I don't want a macho man....when I was 18, but now I'd hate that'. However, at times she'll see me react to something somebody's done and will say 'you're too nice'.

 

Anyway, my feeling is that I shouldn't continue this any longer.

 

What's your take on what I've mentioned?

[esstea]

First off, wow! How do you see her every 2-3 weeks while she lives in Germany? I'm just making the assumption that you live somewhere in the North American continent and that plane tickets are crazy expensive.

 

I think you've already answered your own question and are merely seeking reassurance that you're doing the right thing. No one here could tell you what to do but from what you've said, if you feel like you've been pushed to your limits and you're just tired of it then maybe it is time to walk away.

[Hawaii50]

 

Things were great, until throughout the period of our relationship she would pick on silly things. She would rip into me and say things like 'why do you hold your fork like that?'. I thought it was really strange. I let it go.

 

 

UGGGG that IS annoying, holding your fork like a shovel I bet. lol. I know women that would have given you a second date.

 

Everything else portrays her as a female dog... And it is of my opinion that all women want a man, maybe not a macho man, but a man's man. Hunt, fix things; house stuff, cars, whatever else a man might be assumed to do, as well as defend her etc..

[justwhoiam]

She would rip into me and say things like 'why do you hold your fork like that?'.

Wasn't it just an observation? A comment? I can ask if I see anything funny or unusual. But ripping into you... wow.

 

Anyway, my feeling is that I shouldn't continue this any longer.

You mean breaking up with her?

 

What's your take on what I've mentioned?

Women like to be impressed by the man they love. All of them, even when they won't admit it. What you did for her was admirable. But not really impressive, maybe. Think of things that can really impress her, without embarassing her. She will know how much you love her. That's all you need to do in addition to what you're already doing.

[Butlerist]

In terms of doing things for and showing my love I have. I even took a massage heating system over from London with black stones to give her a massage. I don't want to keep going on about it all as I feel stupid, but I have shown her a lot of affection, called her everyday and been compassionate and loving.

 

Last night I had a conversation about this with her that I had some doubts due to the way things were over 6months. She said 'people argue, relationships are not supposed to be perfect' and I just said I had my doubts due to the way things were. She then turned around and told me I was hurting her more than ever now and that I should figure out what i want and went to bed. She just doesn't have that sense of empathy from what I see to be able to go 'let's talk about the problems'.

 

Last week on Skype, we spoke and after 30mins of talking I said 'sugar, I need to head off as my mum and aunt have come to say hi'. She turned funny and said 'i see i'm not your priority anymore'. She said usually I sit and speak whereas this time I'm showing a change in my ways. And this girl loves my mum. I was on holiday with her and I'd call my cousinsand she said 'why are you always the one who has to make the effort and not them?'.

 

I care about this girl so much, but at times I feel punctured; from all of the great highs...then then lows. Every two weeks or so, there's something she picks on.

 

I just get the feeling that all of this comes from a fear of abandonment. She's just controlling sometimes and I don't know if I should just put my foot down with her and give this a chance with serious conversations and or walk away?

[bluegreen]

Personality Disorder ?

[Butlerist]

I've had thoughts about that, but not sure if it is.

[bluegreen]

It could be I have some background in field and it might either be that or depression are you sure she is not using something pills or ?

Again I might be wrong and no offense she might have prolonged PMS case of bitchiness but if its not that either then what is.

 

You need to find out about her background more her family to has there been any case of mental family illness and gently encourage her to maybe seek some help talk to a professional ...

[Butlerist]

She used to be on Cipralex 10mg as it used to be there for some panic attacks she started getting last year.

 

There were times she used to have a sense of depression. But since we got together, she's been fine.

 

I know that I could go and have an amazing time with her tomorrow. It's not that. It's the future and what I fear it would entail.

 

Her background is that her mum n dad divorced at age of 4. Dad loved her but unfortunately used to be irresponsible and spend money or take drugs. It messed up their lives. He used to make her feel sorry for his situation during when she lived with her mum. As time went by, my girlfriend decided to not be in touch with him but over the past 4years she's missed him a lot. I worked on her and said 'if you love him, he's still your father and you can get in touch and see how he is or one day you might live to regret it'. They met. My point is, I have done what I can from my heart and have tried to put her in a position where she's moving forward. But at times, I get the feeling she doesn't have that same sense of empathy.

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't think any relationship could stand the strain of their partner constantly looking for proof of their love or looking for signs they're going off them, and the digs she gives you.

 

You are very loving towards her and it's not enough, it probably never will be, unless she is willing to listen to how it's making you feel, if she's not prepared enough to make changes for the better, then I would call it a day.

 

Couples want each other to be happy, from what you've said she doesn't show you much consideration

[HeavenOrHell]

It wasn't just a one off remark, it's one of many.

 

She doesn't need to be impressed by him, he's already showing her how much he loves and cares about her, sounds more like she needs to impress him right now as she is not treating him well and he's considering leaving.

 

Wasn't it just an observation? A comment? I can ask if I see anything funny or unusual. But ripping into you... wow.

 

You mean breaking up with her?

 

Women like to be impressed by the man they love. All of them, even when they won't admit it. What you did for her was admirable. But not really impressive, maybe. Think of things that can really impress her, without embarassing her. She will know how much you love her. That's all you need to do in addition to what you're already doing.

[AlexDP]

She used to be on Cipralex 10mg as it used to be there for some panic attacks she started getting last year.

 

There were times she used to have a sense of depression. But since we got together, she's been fine.

 

I know that I could go and have an amazing time with her tomorrow. It's not that. It's the future and what I fear it would entail.

 

Her background is that her mum n dad divorced at age of 4. Dad loved her but unfortunately used to be irresponsible and spend money or take drugs. It messed up their lives. He used to make her feel sorry for his situation during when she lived with her mum. As time went by, my girlfriend decided to not be in touch with him but over the past 4years she's missed him a lot. I worked on her and said 'if you love him, he's still your father and you can get in touch and see how he is or one day you might live to regret it'. They met. My point is, I have done what I can from my heart and have tried to put her in a position where she's moving forward. But at times, I get the feeling she doesn't have that same sense of empathy.

 

I've decided to stay away from people who have needed drugs to regulate their moods in the recent past. It's too much work.

[justwhoiam]

I don't know, I fail to see the problems here. In a way, I think you're lucky, because other girlfriends wouldn't say anything openly. She seems genuine when she makes a comment or asks a question. You call your cousins while on holiday, she wondered why. Did you answer? Mum and aunt were at your place, you didn't leave Skype open as usual, did you tell her why?

 

I don't know, it looks like you're trying to find ways not to like her anymore like you used to. Are you considering marrying her and analysing if she's real marriage material for you?

[Butlerist]

I'm not at all looking for ways to not love her or breakup. No. Not at all. I've just reached my limits as it's always about 'not giving me enough passion, your tone of voice isn't passionate'.

 

My mother and aunt came over and I said to my girlfriend 'babe, I'm going to need to see them as they're waiting'. She then made a remark 'i see I'm not your priority'. I said to her 'it's my mother, why are you saying that?'. Her remark was that it's not about my mother, but the fact that usually I'd talk to her for two hours whereas today it was only 30mins. There's never any level of understanding, that's what I'm saying. You always feel guilty or feel bad for having done something wrong.

 

My point is that I've always shown her patience. When we were out on two separate occasions she made a big deal out of the fact that I had tipped the waitress in an 'incorrect' manner.

 

She told me things like 'why do you always have to think of your uncle/cousins, why aren't they calling you?'. It's sort of saying to me in alternate language 'you're making me feel insignificant by calling them'. That's how I see it.

 

With the fork incident, yes she grabbed it off my hand and said 'Is that how a man of your age eats? Is it? Is it? Can't you learn to eat properly!?'. I promise you, I don't eat with bad manners.

 

Or when we got to the airport I suddenly said 'oh damn...honey..I forgot to give you the photos'. She started again 'how can I rely on you? Huh? I asked you for them and you forget...I ask myself how important I truly am for you'. I calmed her down and we kissed etc and I left.

 

But my point is that when you are constantly picking at the smallest of things, how can you expect something to work? In life, there will be far greater obstacles than forks, massages and photos. All I've done throughout our relationship is be considerate towards her, be patient in her anger and be loving. Of course I've made mistakes, I don't disagree. I'm no way near perfect, but I just wonder whether a person who is so egotistical will ever reduce that.

 

I always said to her, 'I don't want you to change. I love you. Just let me be the man I am. Allow me to be me'.

[Els]

I always said to her, 'I don't want you to change. I love you. Just let me be the man I am. Allow me to be me'.

 

What is her response when you say this?

 

Other than that, I agree with HoH. Based on your posts alone, I can't see that you're doing anything wrong, unless when she says you don't love her enough, she is referring to other behaviour that you aren't mentioning here and not the stuff that you did. Did she mention any specifics for that?

 

The constant nitpicking absolutely has to go, though if she genuinely has an anxiety disorder or OCD, that would be one of the symptoms, so I'd try and be sympathetic as long as she understands that it isn't tolerable and tries to curtail it herself.

[Butlerist]

Her response to this was 'i'm going to do my best'.

 

That was a few weeks ago. However, when she was at home this last week I called her and she was so happy on the phone and so was I. I told how much I'd missed her and I couldn't wait to hear her voice. Then I said 'sugar, I won't be able to call you in the day today as they're on my back with my handover but I'll give you a call in the evening'. Then there was silence. I was like 'honey?'. She said 'okay..well I'll speak to you later then'. I knew something was up and when I asked she said 'do you understand how your tone of voice is sometimes?...do you get it at all?'. I said 'what did i do?'. She went on about how I sounded so negative on the phone as though I didn't even want to speak to her. Fair enough, my tone may have been a little out of character as people were around, but again she always makes a big deal. Then she argued about it and how I'd affected her day etc. So it's as though the moment my tone of voice does something, it's a problem. And I get the fact that tone/pitch etc all affect people. But the fact that she even spots it is the issue.

[HeavenOrHell]

You can't go on like this with her nit picking at you.

 

You've been very patient and loving so far, and I applaud you for that.

 

I think bottom line is if she doesn't put some effort in to deal with her problems/her behaviour then ask yourself how much longer can you do this for, and tell her you can't be in a r/ship like this, that it is putting you on edge, making you unhappy.

 

I wouldn't be able to cope with her behaviour unless she cared that it affected me, and she put the effort in to change it.

 

Horrible situation for you, I'm sorry.

[justwhoiam]

Is it only bad news lately or do you have good news for her once in a while too?

[HeavenOrHell]

What bad news has her given her? He's been nothing but loving, according to what he's said here, he's gone out of his way to do nice things for her.

 

 

 

Is it only bad news lately or do you have good news for her once in a while too?

[justwhoiam]

What bad news has her given her? He's been nothing but loving, according to what he's said here, he's gone out of his way to do nice things for her.

I read the very same thing, and I have the slight impression that whenever he says "honey", she should expect some bad news coming from him. It might be that whatever planned is not going to happen (like he had to call, but he can't etc.). So it sorts of creates a bad pattern and she's obviously let down. Honestly, I can't tell he's all loving and she's a nag. Maybe. But something's not clear, and I would need to hear both sides of the story. Here we read just one.

[jasin005]

I just can't believe that I am reading this!

I am living the "Same" Situation with my girlfriend, It's really the same thing exactly, It's almost like if you're talking about her.

But our sex life is really good, and by the way, We are on a long distance relationship as well, Now it's been 6 months ( like you).

I am from Morocco and SHe is from Finland, She have been visiting me for 3 times during 6 months and I've visited her as well, I really do love her and She claims to really love me as well BUT it's always that thing! the same thing you're having with your girlfriend, she makes small things really BIG issues and get pissed off really easily and gets mad........

And as I said, from what I read she is almost the same as your girlfriend, her parents got divorced when she was really young and she left home when was 18. SHe said that she used to date this Finnish guy during 4years then she broke up with him when he proposed and she declined.

I only know her for 6 months now and one thing I am sure of is that I really really love her and I think she loves me as well, She even cried on me the night when i was coming back to morocco.

But I don't know, She does the same kind of things that your gf does to you and that's not nice really even though I've been really nice to her and never been bad or something, but she makes big issues out of small things.

I don't know...... If this the Finnish attitude, or if all Finnish girls are like that. I'm confused and I really want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, I want to propose but I'm affraid she declines and everytime is bring out the Marriage thing she said that It's something sacred.... and that she wants to keep it a day at a time.

I really should find a solution for this, soon.

[Butlerist]

Okay, first of all when I say the word 'honey' I never have bad news. In fact, I've never even offered her bad news other than have surprises for her or take her on a holiday.Hows is it bad news to give someone telling them you missed them, but all you couldnt' do was call them for long until later?!. When you love someone, you have a bit of patience with them.

 

Yes, she's extremely passionate and giving. We have incredible moments together and I love those moments more than anything. I've wanted to please her more than any other woman I've been with. But out of a 7 day holiday a month ago, we argued on day 1 and day 2 but big time. Now, I ask myself is that healthy? Both unecessary.

 

 

The point here is that, in a relationship of course people are different. No doubt. We all are. She's been raised in a household and I have in another So naturally you put two people from different up bringings in one room, there might be conflict. But there's a tolerance, a sense of respect. An appreciation of acts of kindness. Since our first day, I've been a listening ear to her issues and so has she been. We've made each other laugh like crazy. And these are things which I adore. But then, out of the blue you feel like you're walking on eggshells. That you've done something wrong. And it's always you who's in the wrong. You have the unpassionate voice, you have the incorrect table manners, you're not truly in love because if you were you'd move to her home country, you smell better in the fragrance she bought you, you look better in the hair style she tells you to style, making you feel guilty for picking her up 30mins late from the airport. So all of these things are controlling acts which I've noticed as unhealthy. And when someone keeps doing that, it makes you think how self-centred they truly can be. That's all.

[Butlerist]

Jasin, have you tried talking to her about it? I think you should and be very open and vocal about what she does.

 

What sort of things does she say?

[kae]

Tell her! One day take her to the park, ask her to listen and not interrupt and express yourself in a firm gentle manner. Remind her that words are powerful and an expression of her interior life and that as it stands she seems very negative and destructive. let her know you dont see a future in those types of conditions. If she wants to be with you.. she needs to be a team player.. not a tyrannic overlord.

 

Just tell her!!!

[bluegreen]

She needs to be a team player not a tyrannic overlord.

exactly but let me add this little thing tell her and "mean it" no tears no excuses no whining or saying sorry she changes her behavior seeks help or takes medication or you leave.

 

Stay and slowly day by day you will end up resenting then hating her ....