I'm going crazy

[Charlie]

Hi,

 

My story is pretty crazy and long, but I have to share it with someone otherwise I'll surely go out of my mind. I'm 33 years old. I was born in the US but I live in Israel. Last year, while travelling in the Philippines I met the most beatiful girl in the world. I fell madly into love (and I thought she too) and we stayed together against all odds: She comes from a really poor family and we decided to go together to Israel. She never flew a plain before, not to mention going abroad. We managed to fix her a passport and she came with me as a tourist. It wasn't easy: she doesn't speak the language here, she was lonely and seperated from her family, she wasn't allowed to work because she only had a toursit visa and we could only communicate in English which is a second language for both of us. But with love we came over all the obstacles. Everything was like in a fairy tail.

 

After 6 months, her tourist visa was about to expire and we wanted to get married so she could get citizenship, but since she is Catholic and I'm Jewish it's not possible to get married here. So we decided to make a family visit to the Philippines, get married there with a Judge, and come back as a married couple. So we did exactly that, only the legal paperwork wasn't finalized even after a month, so we decided I return first to Israel and she would come as soon as the papers were ready. The Judge promised us the papers would be ready in 2 only weeks.

 

So I returned alone to Israel. I was calling to her every day, we were talking for hours on the phone and she always told me how she misses me and wants to come already. In the meantime I sent her money because she had no way to support herself in the Philippines. The time was passing, and by this time I was already in bad financial state, being out of work for a month, spending all this money on our trip and sending her money every week. At last she told me the Judge called her and told her the papers were ready. I was exilirated. We made a list of all the things she had to do before she would travel to Manila and then to Israel, and I sent her money.

 

She was supposed to meet the Judge on a Monday morning. I called her around lunchtime and she told me that only one out of three papers was ready. I was disappointed, and I asked that she try to fix the papers herself, and not rely on the Judge because he wasn't reliable. I was angry, and she cried. Later I was sorry I was angry at her and tried to call again but the cell phone was closed. I sent her an e-mail telling her not to worry, that it would take only a little longer. In the evening, I wanted to see if she read the e-mail, so I checked her mail box (I knew the password since I created the email account for her) and my life went black. There was a mail there from a guy, telling her he was going to come to Cebu (a Philippines island resort) the next day and asking at what hotel they would meet. He addressed my wife as "honey". His mail was a reply for a mail she sent the same day telling him she would be flying to that island in the evening. She double crossed me, and was lying all along. Not only she was having an affair, but she was using my last money I saved to fix our marriage papers to do this.

 

I was burning with rage. I wanted to pack straight away and travel half across the world to suprise them in Cebu. If I did this I would probably have hurt the guy. But I held myself, becasue I knew I was not even able to think clearly.

 

The next morning, I called her. I didn't let her know that I knew where she was, but I asked her to go to a hotel we stayed before in Manila and call me from there. She started making excuses why she doesn't want to go there. After that we talked a little more and then she disconnected the line. After that the phone was closed for the rest of the day. I checked her email again and found another letter from the guy, which made me understand the affair was going on for some time already. The letter was more explicit and got me really mad, so I replied to him, introducing myself as the husband and warning him that if he gets close to my wife I will kill him. When he saw this letter he probably got scared and warned my wife, becasue she returned straight to Manila.

 

The next morning I called again, she tried to deny the whole story (she didn't know at the time that I also saw her letter to him). When I told her I saw her e-mail, she changed her story: "Yes, I did plan to go to Cebu, but finally I didn't go". She was continuing her lies. I told her how cruel what she did was, and how I felt.

 

Words can't express how I felt. I couldn't sleep for days. I felt like I was walking with a knife dipped in poison stuck in my heart, and the person who put it there was the one I loved most in the world. I had such a muscle contracrtion in my stomach, it felt like a fist inside. I don't have taste to eat ever since.

 

After a couple of days she returned to her home town. Her friend called me and said that she wants to talk to me but I didn't want to speak to her. We didn't speak since.

 

Now, almost two weeks after, life has returned to normal on the surface, but inside I feel dead. What drives me most the crazy is that I still love her and miss her so much. Logic says this girl is no good, she was only extracting money from me and that I should get over her and get on with my life. But my heart still longes for her. If she would ask for my forgiveness I would probably give it to her, but she insists on denial. What should I do?

 

Please write to me what you think.. anything..

[Someone who knows]

I'm from that part of the world originally,so I am quite familiar with stories like yours. You're not the first foreigner to fall for that trick and you won't be the last. Heck,even people from those countries fall for it! I can understand how you feel,but don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Most people from that part of the world are nothing like your "wife",however her type surfaces once in a while.A distant relative of mine was once married to a travelling salesman,divorcing him when she found out he had TWO other wives in the city he used to travel to!(How he could afford to pay for all those weddings was a mystery)

 

Really,you're lucky you found out soon as you did because I've heard of far worse scenarios than yours. You were an easy target because you were rich (by their standards) and the language barrier made it hard for you to find things out about your wife.(There was no chance of some relative letting the affair slip out by mistake.) Add the fact of your ignorance of cultural nuances that sometimes give peoples intentions away,and you're easy game.

 

Also,the fact that you were heads over heels in love with this woman made you extra vunerable,and a little caution on your part might have helped you out.

 

Before you get mad at people from there you should know a few things. Firstly,I'm from there myself,so any disrespect towards them will be offensive to me personally. Secondly,as I said earlier most people there are nothing like your wife.Most people are decent and honest.Lastly,you know little of the poverty that exists there that would make people like your wife do the things they do. You have no concept of how poor people really are,even if you see the slums there with your own eyes.Poverty isn't something you see,it's something that you feel.

 

There's a kind of fear that kind of poverty can put in you.Fear of not knowing where to get your next meal,fear of watching your loved ones die of hunger (which happens a lot),fear of living but living hungry. Fear of the violence that surrounds you as people get frustrated with their lot in life and start shooting each other.This fear sometimes starts with from the day you're born,and you stays with you till you die. Children are especially hit harder,and many grow up pretty desperate,willing to do almost anything for a buck.The boys turn to crime,the girls prostitute themselves..it's really quite sad.I was spared a lot of this,but my friends and relatives were not always so lucky.

 

Poverty is there is much worse than here.Here some people are poor,most are middle class and a few a rich.Over there ,most people are very poor and the is a very small amount of middle class.If you were poor there,chances are so was everyone else you knew..there would be noone you could go to borrow money for emergencies,no government help of any kind,no charitable organizations to help you.

 

The cost of one months tuition for elementary school (yes you pay tuition there for elementary school) is more than what most families make in a year. Health care is pay as you go,so basically nobody can afford a doctor.People there die of common fevers because they can't even afford aspirin!!. Have you ever seen the slum neighborhoods there,the entire communities built with cardboard and refuse??!?

 

So given this background,it's easy to see how marrying a foreigner for his money doesn't sound so bad.(I'm not justifying what she did.I'm trying to make you understand.) It's worth a try,and anythings is better than going back to starving. The money some foreigners have

 

seems like a fortune to these people,seems almost magical. It's easy to see how a weak person would be tempted. Even a strong person might be tempted for the sake of their loved ones.For all you know,it might not have been intentional to marry you for cash...just an oppurtunity that worked itself out that way. Don't be quick to judge,you've never been through what those people go through.Even the poor in North America are richer than the middle class over there.

 

My advice for you? Have the marriage anulled.Don't let her have any chance of getting any kind of legal foothold on your possesions.(Money over there is something that is fought over constantly.Trust me,don't give them any chance of getting more money from you!! You'll never hear then end of this if you don't.) Forget about her...anything she says to you will be a lie. Don't be too bitter....even with all your current problems life is still better for you than it is for most people over there.

[Melody]

Heartily know, when half gods leave, the gods will arrive.

 

Find someone who is worth your love, who appreciates your love, who will give you love as unconditionally.

 

But in the meantime, just contemplate and try to bring your life back to normal. The grief is normal, it will lighten, trust me.......or more accurately, trust yourself.

 

mel

[Charlie]

Sorry I reply late, because of time differences I just got up now. As usual in the last two weeks my sleep is short and ends with waking up abruptly with my heart pupming like crazy as my unconsciousness reminds my consiousness my state.

 

Your letter is full of wisdom. I agree with most of what you say. Altough I cannot ever feel the kind of poverty that prevails in these parts of the world, I want you to know that I got very acquainted with it. I was pratically a family member of her family. I travelled with her family to her birth place, a place where you get your water from the well and there is no electricity. I helped financially almost every one of her family members, weather it was real help or I was just squeezed. And she has 10 brothers and sisters.

 

I payed for one sister to go to college, or so I believe, and every time one of the small kids got sick I gave money to take him to doctor and sometimes to hospital. I know how life is cheap there, as in the 7 months she's been here about five people she knew died, including her grandmother and a baby of one of ger cousins which we have a picture of on the wall. That's why I ws so forgiving to her. I am not that fool, I caught my 'wife' more than once in lies, but as long as it was only for money I could understand and overlook it, since I knew the family's poverty. Also, she was completely alone here, she had practically no one to turn to but me, and when we had a fight I felt mean, regardless if I was right or wrong, because who could she turn to? She was extrememly strong emotionally, as hardships usually makes a person, and bear in mind she was hardly 20, and that made me appreciate her more, and I wanted to believe she had the maturity to separate between making up stories for the sake of her family and cheating on me.

 

She was really a special girl. She was extremely beautiful by any standard, she was qute and full of life and she was provocative and sexy in a way that could spin the head of even the most settled men. I had to fight men off her every where we went, whethear it was in disco, in restaurants, on the plane or in the street. I don't talk now with my best friend because he repeatedly tried to 'steal' her telling her things like "we should meet alone sometime" in front of my eyes. And this is a guy who I've known for 28 years out of my 33 and always believed had a heart of gold.

 

I guess in time I will get perspective over the whole relationship. But now, I don't even have the power get my self to take off her pictures she hang all around our bedroom. I still haven't told almost anyone I know the story and probably won't do it. My family and friends are asking me when will she be coming and I tell them that the marriage papers are still not ready. In work I still wear my wedding ring, so people won't start asking me questions. Everybody congratulated me on getting married and now I will look like a complete fool to be a married man without a wife.

 

My question is, should I try to talk to her again, since we never actually told each other 'officially' thats its over, and sees what she have to say, or should I just let go and just go on. Do you see any chance to work this out or is it better to end it now? Tell me the truth, I can take anything now.

I'm from that part of the world originally,so I am quite familiar with stories like yours. You're not the first foreigner to fall for that trick and you won't be the last. Heck,even people from those countries fall for it! I can understand how you feel,but don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Most people from that part of the world are nothing like your "wife",however her type surfaces once in a while.A distant relative of mine was once married to a travelling salesman,divorcing him when she found out he had TWO other wives in the city he used to travel to!(How he could afford to pay for all those weddings was a mystery)

 

Really,you're lucky you found out soon as you did because I've heard of far worse scenarios than yours. You were an easy target because you were rich (by their standards) and the language barrier made it hard for you to find things out about your wife.(There was no chance of some relative letting the affair slip out by mistake.) Add the fact of your ignorance of cultural nuances that sometimes give peoples intentions away,and you're easy game. Also,the fact that you were heads over heels in love with this woman made you extra vunerable,and a little caution on your part might have helped you out. Before you get mad at people from there you should know a few things. Firstly,I'm from there myself,so any disrespect towards them will be offensive to me personally. Secondly,as I said earlier most people there are nothing like your wife.Most people are decent and honest.Lastly,you know little of the poverty that exists there that would make people like your wife do the things they do. You have no concept of how poor people really are,even if you see the slums there with your own eyes.Poverty isn't something you see,it's something that you feel. There's a kind of fear that kind of poverty can put in you.Fear of not knowing where to get your next meal,fear of watching your loved ones die of hunger (which happens a lot),fear of living but living hungry. Fear of the violence that surrounds you as people get frustrated with their lot in life and start shooting each other.This fear sometimes starts with from the day you're born,and you stays with you till you die. Children are especially hit harder,and many grow up pretty desperate,willing to do almost anything for a buck.The boys turn to crime,the girls prostitute themselves..it's really quite sad.I was spared a lot of this,but my friends and relatives were not always so lucky.

 

Poverty is there is much worse than here.Here some people are poor,most are middle class and a few a rich.Over there ,most people are very poor and the is a very small amount of middle class.If you were poor there,chances are so was everyone else you knew..there would be noone you could go to borrow money for emergencies,no government help of any kind,no charitable organizations to help you. The cost of one months tuition for elementary school (yes you pay tuition there for elementary school) is more than what most families make in a year. Health care is pay as you go,so basically nobody can afford a doctor.People there die of common fevers because they can't even afford aspirin!!. Have you ever seen the slum neighborhoods there,the entire communities built with cardboard and refuse??!?

 

So given this background,it's easy to see how marrying a foreigner for his money doesn't sound so bad.(I'm not justifying what she did.I'm trying to make you understand.) It's worth a try,and anythings is better than going back to starving. The money some foreigners have seems like a fortune to these people,seems almost magical. It's easy to see how a weak person would be tempted. Even a strong person might be tempted for the sake of their loved ones.For all you know,it might not have been intentional to marry you for cash...just an oppurtunity that worked itself out that way. Don't be quick to judge,you've never been through what those people go through.Even the poor in North America are richer than the middle class over there. My advice for you? Have the marriage anulled.Don't let her have any chance of getting any kind of legal foothold on your possesions.(Money over there is something that is fought over constantly.Trust me,don't give them any chance of getting more money from you!! You'll never hear then end of this if you don't.) Forget about her...anything she says to you will be a lie. Don't be too bitter....even with all your current problems life is still better for you than it is for most people over there.

 

[Charlie]

Thanks mel. These words are soothering.

 

As we say here, I hope that god is listening to your words.

Heartily know, when half gods leave, the gods will arrive. Find someone who is worth your love, who appreciates your love, who will give you love as unconditionally. But in the meantime, just contemplate and try to bring your life back to normal. The grief is normal, it will lighten, trust me.......or more accurately, trust yourself. mel

[Deejette]

Charlie, you are not the first kind soul who has been taken advantage of from someone from a third-world nation. Many US men are also attracted to Russian women who are escaping the poverty and hopelessness of their life in the Soviet Union. They behave differently from the independent, financially resourceful American women. They seem more vulnerable, needing protection, easier to love.

 

But they are often running scams too and there are even cases of men who have been killed after marriage to women who already have husbands or boyfriends in the other country (for insurance and other money).

 

The best thing for you is to cut off all contact. As much as you love her, she has been playing you for all she can get. And I see you have been supporting her family too. She will find someone else to milk. Obviously, she cares nothing about you as a person or she would not have been cheating with this other man while you were doing so much sacrificing for her and her family.

Sorry I reply late, because of time differences I just got up now. As usual in the last two weeks my sleep is short and ends with waking up abruptly with my heart pupming like crazy as my unconsciousness reminds my consiousness my state. Your letter is full of wisdom. I agree with most of what you say. Altough I cannot ever feel the kind of poverty that prevails in these parts of the world, I want you to know that I got very acquainted with it. I was pratically a family member of her family. I travelled with her family to her birth place, a place where you get your water from the well and there is no electricity. I helped financially almost every one of her family members, weather it was real help or I was just squeezed. And she has 10 brothers and sisters.

 

I payed for one sister to go to college, or so I believe, and every time one of the small kids got sick I gave money to take him to doctor and sometimes to hospital. I know how life is cheap there, as in the 7 months she's been here about five people she knew died, including her grandmother and a baby of one of ger cousins which we have a picture of on the wall. That's why I ws so forgiving to her. I am not that fool, I caught my 'wife' more than once in lies, but as long as it was only for money I could understand and overlook it, since I knew the family's poverty. Also, she was completely alone here, she had practically no one to turn to but me, and when we had a fight I felt mean, regardless if I was right or wrong, because who could she turn to? She was extrememly strong emotionally, as hardships usually makes a person, and bear in mind she was hardly 20, and that made me appreciate her more, and I wanted to believe she had the maturity to separate between making up stories for the sake of her family and cheating on me. She was really a special girl. She was extremely beautiful by any standard, she was qute and full of life and she was provocative and sexy in a way that could spin the head of even the most settled men. I had to fight men off her every where we went, whethear it was in disco, in restaurants, on the plane or in the street. I don't talk now with my best friend because he repeatedly tried to 'steal' her telling her things like "we should meet alone sometime" in front of my eyes. And this is a guy who I've known for 28 years out of my 33 and always believed had a heart of gold. I guess in time I will get perspective over the whole relationship. But now, I don't even have the power get my self to take off her pictures she hang all around our bedroom. I still haven't told almost anyone I know the story and probably won't do it. My family and friends are asking me when will she be coming and I tell them that the marriage papers are still not ready. In work I still wear my wedding ring, so people won't start asking me questions. Everybody congratulated me on getting married and now I will look like a complete fool to be a married man without a wife. My question is, should I try to talk to her again, since we never actually told each other 'officially' thats its over, and sees what she have to say, or should I just let go and just go on. Do you see any chance to work this out or is it better to end it now? Tell me the truth, I can take anything now.

[Artlover]

ALSO, when you're feeling better and you have a bit more clarity, say in 3-6 months, you might consider sitting down and really assessing what it was that attracted you to her in the first place. Was it her extreme neediness and dependency? Do you have rescuer/savior issues? This can be very dangerous and it isn't healthy for you or ultimately the other person. Even the most vulnerable, needy person can become resentful and disdainful of their "rescuer" in time.

 

There's a certain charm in a vulnerable woman, I'm sure (I'm a woman myself, so I don't claim to know this from experience), but at the end of the day everyone wants and needs to feel powerful and useful and that they're living up to their full potential.

 

Good luck to you. You're a kind person with a big heart. Hopefully next time you'll choose to share your wonderful gifts with someone who is more on your level, emotionally and experientially.

Charlie, you are not the first kind soul who has been taken advantage of from someone from a third-world nation. Many US men are also attracted to Russian women who are escaping the poverty and hopelessness of their life in the Soviet Union. They behave differently from the independent, financially resourceful American women. They seem more vulnerable, needing protection, easier to love. But they are often running scams too and there are even cases of men who have been killed after marriage to women who already have husbands or boyfriends in the other country (for insurance and other money). The best thing for you is to cut off all contact. As much as you love her, she has been playing you for all she can get. And I see you have been supporting her family too. She will find someone else to milk. Obviously, she cares nothing about you as a person or she would not have been cheating with this other man while you were doing so much sacrificing for her and her family.

[Paulie]

Hey Artlover!!!!

Good to see you back!!

 

Hope you post more often!!!

[Artlover]

Thanks Paulie! I've been absolutely swamped over the last few months, but it's nice to be back.

Good to see you back!! Hope you post more often!!!

[Charlie]

Deejette,

 

I know the best thing will be to end this once and for all, but the crazy thing is now that I've regained my balance I'm even ready to - well not really forgive but - overlook this affair and go on. I know its crazy, i know it'll cost me dearly money I DONT HAVE and I know sooner or later its going to happen again and then maybe I'll be sorry I didnt end it the first time, but, this is something try to understand, I truly love her.

 

To put it differently, there are many families the wife catches her husband having an affair and decides not to break up the marriage - whether its for the sake of the kids, because she is financially dependant on him or because she does still love him after all. And this is my case: I feel although I'm the man, I'm the weak side in this equation, and I'm ready to put up with this because she is really a fenomenal girl. When I'm with her I feel on top of the world - every man is jeallous to me. She is so full of life I don't think any westerner can understand this. I sure she has different matabolism from us. In the midst of winter in bed when were lying under the blanket I'm wearing pijama and socks and she wears only panties and her body is like an oven, all I have to do is hold her and then I have to undress also because she is so hot.

 

Thru the last year we had several fights that almost got us seperated, but love always won. We got thru so many difficulties: We come from different countries, different cultures, different languages, different religion, and on top of that almost 14 years age difference!

 

I have to say one thing in her favour - she tried real hard to conceal it - she did this when she was so far away and she thought there was no chance I would find out. And she did it away from her town, so other people would also not know. Why I say this in her favour? bacause as long as its between us at least I'm spared the feeling of being the fool who everybody knows his wife is sleeping around and he's the last one to find out.

 

Also, to some extent it was my mistake leaving her in the first place alone for so long time just after we got married, knowing there are always so may men attracted to her. Maybe she felt hurt and thought I don't want to take her back with me. I have no illusions, if it didn't happen there it would have happened here sooner or later.

 

I'm in a no win situation. If I take her back I will probably be sorry for that again in some time, but if I let her go I will know I've lost the most amazing girl in the world, the true love of my life, the kind every man fantasizes about, the kind of girl I will never find again.

Charlie, you are not the first kind soul who has been taken advantage of from someone from a third-world nation. Many US men are also attracted to Russian women who are escaping the poverty and hopelessness of their life in the Soviet Union. They behave differently from the independent, financially resourceful American women. They seem more vulnerable, needing protection, easier to love. But they are often running scams too and there are even cases of men who have been killed after marriage to women who already have husbands or boyfriends in the other country (for insurance and other money). The best thing for you is to cut off all contact. As much as you love her, she has been playing you for all she can get. And I see you have been supporting her family too. She will find someone else to milk. Obviously, she cares nothing about you as a person or she would not have been cheating with this other man while you were doing so much sacrificing for her and her family.

[Charlie]

Hello Someone Who Knows,

 

I thought I'll write you one more thing, because I think I overlooked something in your letter. In no way I have anything against anybody other than my wife and this guy. I did indeed threaten her other guy, but he's a 'foreigner' (not Philipino) also. The reason I did it was to try and scare him to stop their affair. There's nothing more hurting than to know in advance that your wife is going to sleep with some other guy and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

 

I didn't intend in any part to offend your country in anyway. I mentioned my country and my wife's just because I ran across this site pretty accidentally and thought it was serving Americans only, so I wanted to fill in some background. If I knew it had any meaning, I would have omitted this data because it could have happened (and probably does happen) almost anywhere in the world. In any case, I regret if anything I wrote sounded offensive.

 

I still don't think it's the run-of-the-mill prosti milking a tourist. I was aware of these stories and I even spoke to a guy who really had such a girl in another country. At the time, he was depressed because he caught her stealing money from his wallet. That's why I was really careful, and can say that never did she steal money from me (at least not until after the wedding). Yes, she did milk me, but on the other hand she was a proud girl and got really upset if I even hinted that she is living off me. At one time we had a fight and she was packing already because she wanted to go and find work herself because she didn't want to use my money. This was a short time after we arrived and she didn't even know where she was going. I felt bad and took her there. Finally she found work, and was working, and at least part of the money we sent to her family was hers. And yes, I think that there were some true emotions between us, or she is the best actor in whole wide world.

I'm from that part of the world originally,so I am quite familiar with stories like yours. You're not the first foreigner to fall for that trick and you won't be the last. Heck,even people from those countries fall for it! I can understand how you feel,but don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Most people from that part of the world are nothing like your "wife",however her type surfaces once in a while.A distant relative of mine was once married to a travelling salesman,divorcing him when she found out he had TWO other wives in the city he used to travel to!(How he could afford to pay for all those weddings was a mystery)

 

Really,you're lucky you found out soon as you did because I've heard of far worse scenarios than yours. You were an easy target because you were rich (by their standards) and the language barrier made it hard for you to find things out about your wife.(There was no chance of some relative letting the affair slip out by mistake.) Add the fact of your ignorance of cultural nuances that sometimes give peoples intentions away,and you're easy game. Also,the fact that you were heads over heels in love with this woman made you extra vunerable,and a little caution on your part might have helped you out. Before you get mad at people from there you should know a few things. Firstly,I'm from there myself,so any disrespect towards them will be offensive to me personally. Secondly,as I said earlier most people there are nothing like your wife.Most people are decent and honest.Lastly,you know little of the poverty that exists there that would make people like your wife do the things they do. You have no concept of how poor people really are,even if you see the slums there with your own eyes.Poverty isn't something you see,it's something that you feel. There's a kind of fear that kind of poverty can put in you.Fear of not knowing where to get your next meal,fear of watching your loved ones die of hunger (which happens a lot),fear of living but living hungry. Fear of the violence that surrounds you as people get frustrated with their lot in life and start shooting each other.This fear sometimes starts with from the day you're born,and you stays with you till you die. Children are especially hit harder,and many grow up pretty desperate,willing to do almost anything for a buck.The boys turn to crime,the girls prostitute themselves..it's really quite sad.I was spared a lot of this,but my friends and relatives were not always so lucky.

 

Poverty is there is much worse than here.Here some people are poor,most are middle class and a few a rich.Over there ,most people are very poor and the is a very small amount of middle class.If you were poor there,chances are so was everyone else you knew..there would be noone you could go to borrow money for emergencies,no government help of any kind,no charitable organizations to help you. The cost of one months tuition for elementary school (yes you pay tuition there for elementary school) is more than what most families make in a year. Health care is pay as you go,so basically nobody can afford a doctor.People there die of common fevers because they can't even afford aspirin!!. Have you ever seen the slum neighborhoods there,the entire communities built with cardboard and refuse??!?

 

So given this background,it's easy to see how marrying a foreigner for his money doesn't sound so bad.(I'm not justifying what she did.I'm trying to make you understand.) It's worth a try,and anythings is better than going back to starving. The money some foreigners have seems like a fortune to these people,seems almost magical. It's easy to see how a weak person would be tempted. Even a strong person might be tempted for the sake of their loved ones.For all you know,it might not have been intentional to marry you for cash...just an oppurtunity that worked itself out that way. Don't be quick to judge,you've never been through what those people go through.Even the poor in North America are richer than the middle class over there. My advice for you? Have the marriage anulled.Don't let her have any chance of getting any kind of legal foothold on your possesions.(Money over there is something that is fought over constantly.Trust me,don't give them any chance of getting more money from you!! You'll never hear then end of this if you don't.) Forget about her...anything she says to you will be a lie. Don't be too bitter....even with all your current problems life is still better for you than it is for most people over there.

 

[Deejette]

I completely understand that this love of yours is so intense that it overcomes even reason. I am happy for you that you can feel such forgiveness towards this woman. You have convinced me that taking her back is the way to go in your case. I am concerned for you that this double life of hers will not stop, but if life is better with her than without her, you at least know what risks you are taking.

 

I believe in having boundaries and being treated with respect in love. I personally could not forgive a person for using me, no matter how physically attractive or charming they are. I mean, I might forgive them, but they would be out of my life. But you are different from me and you know what gives meaning to your life.

 

This girl is very lucky to have found such a caring lover.

Deejette, I know the best thing will be to end this once and for all, but the crazy thing is now that I've regained my balance I'm even ready to - well not really forgive but - overlook this affair and go on. I know its crazy, i know it'll cost me dearly money I DONT HAVE and I know sooner or later its going to happen again and then maybe I'll be sorry I didnt end it the first time, but, this is something try to understand, I truly love her. To put it differently, there are many families the wife catches her husband having an affair and decides not to break up the marriage - whether its for the sake of the kids, because she is financially dependant on him or because she does still love him after all. And this is my case: I feel although I'm the man, I'm the weak side in this equation, and I'm ready to put up with this because she is really a fenomenal girl. When I'm with her I feel on top of the world - every man is jeallous to me. She is so full of life I don't think any westerner can understand this. I sure she has different matabolism from us. In the midst of winter in bed when were lying under the blanket I'm wearing pijama and socks and she wears only panties and her body is like an oven, all I have to do is hold her and then I have to undress also because she is so hot. Thru the last year we had several fights that almost got us seperated, but love always won. We got thru so many difficulties: We come from different countries, different cultures, different languages, different religion, and on top of that almost 14 years age difference! I have to say one thing in her favour - she tried real hard to conceal it - she did this when she was so far away and she thought there was no chance I would find out. And she did it away from her town, so other people would also not know. Why I say this in her favour? bacause as long as its between us at least I'm spared the feeling of being the fool who everybody knows his wife is sleeping around and he's the last one to find out. Also, to some extent it was my mistake leaving her in the first place alone for so long time just after we got married, knowing there are always so may men attracted to her. Maybe she felt hurt and thought I don't want to take her back with me. I have no illusions, if it didn't happen there it would have happened here sooner or later. I'm in a no win situation. If I take her back I will probably be sorry for that again in some time, but if I let her go I will know I've lost the most amazing girl in the world, the true love of my life, the kind every man fantasizes about, the kind of girl I will never find again.

[Charlie]

OK. You are right. I've read again my own mail and I understand now how stupid and weak-willed I am. The situastion is this: I called her again, we kind of made up, and she wants to come here. I sent her money again (!) to finalize all the papers and then she told me that after that she wants to go one last time back to her town to say goodbye to her family and that she will need more money to come back to Manila. I told her I think what I sent her should be enough for that, but she started again making stories that she used already the money to pay back money she borrowed from other people, etc.. I knew she was lying, and she knew I knew, but of course we pretended to play the game, so I went on Friday and sent more money, but I felt so sick doing this that it finally grasped me that it has to end.

 

We spoke on Saturday, and I didn't tell her the money was sent already. Instead I told her I would send it today (Sunday). I'm supposed to call her in a few hours and give her the transaction no. but I feel more like cancelling the transaction and giving her a fake no. so she would go there and be turned down. Like playing with her just a little after all the major league playing she's been doin with me.

 

But seriously, what I really want is to end it in way that will make me feel right. So when I look back at this in time I can say that I came out a stronger man out of it.

 

I want to end it in a way that will save whatever pride i've got left, and make her know this also, but I don't want to end it in a fight because I do precious our time together, and I do want to leave the door open for communication in the future (??)

 

What would you say to her in my place? Maybe it's best just to stop calling her. She's very fast to understand.

I completely understand that this love of yours is so intense that it overcomes even reason. I am happy for you that you can feel such forgiveness towards this woman. You have convinced me that taking her back is the way to go in your case. I am concerned for you that this double life of hers will not stop, but if life is better with her than without her, you at least know what risks you are taking. I believe in having boundaries and being treated with respect in love. I personally could not forgive a person for using me, no matter how physically attractive or charming they are. I mean, I might forgive them, but they would be out of my life. But you are different from me and you know what gives meaning to your life.

 

This girl is very lucky to have found such a caring lover.

[Rachel]

Charlie,

 

Motek, the one thing I would have to be critical of regarding your behaviour is the fact that you have sent her so much money! You don't need to buy her love, but I know that in your desperation this is what is sometimes comes down to, but believe me, the more money you keep giving her, the more she will play you like the World Series! I think that's a good idea to call her up and give her a fake number. Just change the real number by one digit and then tell her you made a mistake.

 

I know how it is important to have proper closer (end it in a way that makes you feel right) and I hope you find a way to do it. I don't believe you are capable right now of just stopping the calls to her. If you want to do something like that it is best to do it in a gradual way, never abruptly, because it will be too painful for you.

 

What would you say to her in my place?

 

That is really very hard to answer because I don't really know the woman. What is all comes down to is whether you want to continue playing a game with her or not because she is involved with heavy-duty game playing. I think both of you are caught-- in the game, but aren't most of us? It is really hard to resolve things over the phone anyhow because it is easy to lie and say anything you want.

 

She comes from such a different culture than you that it is hard for me to imagine how things could work out between the two of you. I'm not saying its impossible, but the odds are very high.

 

Ma ata ossay? Ata Sabra? Ani haiti b' Israel b'kaits, be Jaffa. Ani ohevet erets Israel. Ani shira Hamusika...

 

Let me know how it goes.

 

Rachel

 

PS Please don't send her anymore kessef!