Men Forced to Marry

[VodkaShots]

If you live in a civilised country, no one is able to force you to get married to anyone, end of. If a grown man feels his girlfriend or family are pressuring him to get married when he doesn't want to then he needs to speak up and make his feelings known. His girlfriend may leave him, but what's the alternative? Willingly enter a marriage you won't be happy in?

[Mme. Chaucer]

How can you compare two people discussing the future of their relationship to your son asking you for a piece of candy?

 

 

Don't forget that earlier in this thread, this fellow claimed that "pressure" put on the beleaguered men to marry is analogous to what is experienced by women who are raped.

 

Kids whining for candy, women getting raped, men feeling pressure to marry, all the same thing?

 

Only to you, OP.

 

Any which way you look at it, you most definitely need to remain single. For the love of God! If you need professional help to develop enough strength of character to avoid succumbing to all of this "pressure," please do seek it out. You sound quite pathological.

 

Believe it or not, there are many men who are capable of standing up to the pressure of somebody wishing to marry them without submitting.

 

I know that at times like this it seems impossible, but you too could develop free will.

[samsungxoxo]

Believe it or not, there are many men who are capable of standing up to the pressure of somebody wishing to marry them without submitting.

Exactly if he doesn't want to get marry then no matter what ultimatum is given to him, he won't propose.

 

That's like trying to ride a stubborn horse that refuses to let you even sit on it.

[xxoo]

These men who feel "forced" to marry....why exactly don't they clearly say that they do not want to marry, or do not want to marry her?

 

What are they afraid of?

 

She'll leave, yes, but isn't that a good thing? An end to the "abuse"?

 

But she'll take all she offers with her--that is the problem. Men want to keep the woman, but they don't want to marry.

 

Well, then find a woman who doesn't want to marry. Or, find a woman you do want to marry. But be honest with the woman you know you do not want to marry, so that she can move on and find someone who will want to marry her. No woman wants to marry someone who feels forced, just like no (normal) man wants a woman to "give" him sex she doesn't want to have. We each want full, enthusiastic partners--whether it is sex or marriage.

[strongnrelaxed]

 

 

Imagine if I said security checking my bags before a entering a stadium is like Mandela's incarceration.

 

So you're saying life is one big atrocity.

 

 

Well, you hit another nerve with the airport security. That is an egregious overreaction and one that is a huge encroachment on your civil liberties. So let's let that one lie.

 

Life is not one big atrocity- but our divorce laws are egregiously unjust.

 

I do not care if you agree. All I care is that at least one young man reads this mess and walks away.

 

One young decent hard working man at a time ladies. One a day if I can muster it. Here and on other boards.

 

You speak of "sympathy" - and I find that hilarious. I would not expect sympathy from most of the women on this site if I were on fire. People are remarkably close minded and selfish here with a few notable exceptions. They high five anyone with whom they agree and do what they do to those they do not agree with.

 

Just like in 7th grade.

 

As long as I can do my part to out this silliness for young men to see, then it is all good. And it is YOU who do the real work. You just do not realize it. Which is sort of my whole point.

[strongnrelaxed]

These men who feel "forced" to marry....why exactly don't they clearly say that they do not want to marry, or do not want to marry her?

 

What are they afraid of?

 

She'll leave, yes, but isn't that a good thing? An end to the "abuse"?

 

But she'll take all she offers with her--that is the problem. Men want to keep the woman, but they don't want to marry.

 

Well, then find a woman who doesn't want to marry. Or, find a woman you do want to marry. But be honest with the woman you know you do not want to marry, so that she can move on and find someone who will want to marry her. No woman wants to marry someone who feels forced, just like no (normal) man wants a woman to "give" him sex she doesn't want to have. We each want full, enthusiastic partners--whether it is sex or marriage.

 

Yes! Jackpot! Oh, thank you - thank you for saying this. I feel like I hit the lottery.

 

So you are saying that men should be clear with women that they do not want to marry so that they can move on to find someone who WILL marry her. That sounds like an ultimatum to me - in fact, it is sort of the definition of an ultimatum.

 

It also sounds like women care less about the relationship and more about that goddamn marriage contract. In fact, that is exactly what you are saying.

 

Wow. This was a gift - thank you for finally saying this out loud. I knew if I pushed enough, at least one woman would crack and spill the ugly truth!

 

My job here is done.

 

Men, read this over and over again until it sinks in.

[strongnrelaxed]

Exactly if he doesn't want to get marry then no matter what ultimatum is given to him, he won't propose.

 

That's like trying to ride a stubborn horse that refuses to let you even sit on it.

 

Wow. This statement and the one that precedes it is pretty insulting to the numerous men on this site who have spilled their guts and say otherwise.

 

Do you care about other people or is it just all about you? What do you have to say to those young men who are pouring their hearts out in other threads about feeling pressure, getting tricked by pregnancies etc.?

 

How can women live with this?

 

And just a hint in advance, it is never my questions, but the responses that tell the tale.

[strongnrelaxed]

So break up with the woman. Seriously.

 

The problem is that men do not want to marry, but don't want the woman to know that....because she will leave him. And rightly so, because she wants to be married. If she knows you don't want to marry, or don't want to marry her, and you've had sufficient time to know if you do or do not want to marry her, she will move on.

 

Honesty is all that is needed. No need to feel pressured. Be honest, and the "problem" will go away.

 

So an ultimatum, like "marry me or I am leaving you" is not pressure. Did I get that right?

[Mme. Chaucer]

So an ultimatum, like "marry me or I am leaving you" is not pressure. Did I get that right?

 

Um …

 

No. It's a person speaking up for what they want in their life to someone they're involved with.

 

Believe it or not, this is not a negative thing to do - for healthy people, I mean. Cards on the table, and all that.

 

If a man or woman wants to be married, it's not "abusive," "egregious," or whatever for them to be seeking what they want. Same goes for people who are interested in finding casual sex partners. They're not forcing anyone to do anything. You are such a flaming drama queen.

[LadyGrey]

You know........when I read these threads by you s&r.......I always get a good belly laugh. The ridiculousness of thinking that you are on a mission, a one man crusade if you will, to educate young men about the evils of marriage. Narcissism or misogynistic or a combo of both peppers all your posts and this certainly is no exception. I think you really believe that someone here will take you serious. The worrisome part is any future women in your life or if you have any children that you influence, well I feel sorry for them and hope they otherwise have good influences and don't buy into what you are selling. A good quality woman will not be attracted to you, she will see you for what you are very quickly and she will stay far away. So you will continue to attract and have relationships with women who aren't the best quality and it likely will just reinforce your misogynistic tendencies even more but of course you will continue to blame women for your mistakes. You will always be the poor victim.

 

 

Someone once told me, that I needed to stop acting like a victim, I think that is some advice that could benefit you also. Whatever was done to you as a adult by a woman or women, well you have some responsibility for it also. You picked them.

[threebyfate]

Come on, be honest. Men who get forced into marriage lack testies.

[Pyro]

In all honesty women are scary. I will do whatever they say as long as they don't beat me up.

[Pirouette]

You speak of "sympathy" - and I find that hilarious....People are remarkably close minded and selfish here with a few notable exceptions. They high five anyone with whom they agree and do what they do to those they do not agree with.

 

Does the above not describe you?

 

And actually, it was you who first spoke of sympathy. I don't believe I talked about that at all.

 

I do not care if you agree.

I don't see you practicing what you preach, or is selective non-sympathy, close-mindedness, selfishness all right in your book as long as they are directed at those you deem not worthy of decency?

 

And it is YOU who do the real work. You just do not realize it. Which is sort of my whole point.

In all that you've written in this thread, you've not tried to make that point before. In fact, you've done the opposite as you've positioned yourself as some sort of savior of the ignorant masses of men. Also, you're not very good at debating. Edited October 15, 2012 by Pirouette

[sweetjasmine]

So you are saying that men should be clear with women that they do not want to marry so that they can move on to find someone who WILL marry her. That sounds like an ultimatum to me - in fact, it is sort of the definition of an ultimatum.

 

No, it sounds like two people figuring out whether they're on the same page and want the same things in life.

 

If one partner wants to have children and the other doesn't, is it an "ultimatum" and abusive pressure if the one who does want children says they need to end the relationship to find someone who does want children? Or does one need to submit to the other's desires?

 

Accepting that sometimes you're not headed in the same direction as your current partner and knowing that it's then time to walk is a very basic adult relationship skill. Like a lot of the other things you rant about, it's not specific to marriage.

 

As for the rest of your talk of pressure from everyone, I know at least 3 young women who broke off engagements and 1 young man. One of them is my SIL. She felt pressured into it and she didn't feel ready, so she told him it was over and left. He was the one who drove 300 miles to bang on her door and beg for her to come back. She was the one who knew herself well enough to know that she was making the right decision on breaking up with him.

 

This is what healthy adults do. They're honest with themselves and don't blame their failures on others in cases where it was up to them to stand up for themselves and make their own decisions.

[xxoo]

No, it sounds like two people figuring out whether they're on the same page and want the same things in life.

 

Exactly.

 

At some point, a person may decide to leave a relationship that isn't moving toward marriage. There is nothing wrong with that choice. It doesn't mean they didn't care about the other person, or enjoy the relationship for a long time.

 

Men will eventually stop dating a woman who isn't moving toward sex. Does that mean he puts sex before everything? No. It means he isn't fully satisfied in a relationship without sex. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Pressure is part of life. Standing up to pressure, and being true to yourself, is part of being a grown up. Pressure isn't wrong, it just is. You can not be a grown up and avoid pressures. Conflict avoidance is, however, a common downfall of marriage.

[sweetjasmine]

Exactly.

 

At some point, a person may decide to leave a relationship that isn't moving toward marriage. There is nothing wrong with that choice. It doesn't mean they didn't care about the other person, or enjoy the relationship for a long time.

 

Definitely, and I think it's actually more caring to end a relationship when you arrive at a fork in the road - a major incompatibility - than it is to stay and have one person force the other to change. It's just as wrong to pressure someone to marry as it is to pressure someone to not marry.

 

Men will eventually stop dating a woman who isn't moving toward sex. Does that mean he puts sex before everything? No. It means he isn't fully satisfied in a relationship without sex. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Exactly. This is a great analogy.

[xxoo]

Definitely, and I think it's actually more caring to end a relationship when you arrive at a fork in the road - a major incompatibility - than it is to stay and have one person force the other to change. It's just as wrong to pressure someone to marry as it is to pressure someone to not marry..

 

Just like, to use the sex analogy, it is far kinder to be honest and say that you are not interested in a sexual relationship, rather than leading a guy to believe you are moving in that direction for the benefit of his company and attention.

[Anela]

In all honesty women are scary. I will do whatever they say as long as they don't beat me up.

 

 

My sister got married last week, and whenever I see this thread, I picture henchmen carrying her now-husband down the aisle, and keeping him there until they said, "I do."

 

"Do you take this woman for your lawfully wedded wife?"

"Um.. ah... OUCH! YES! I DO!"

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

My sister got married last week, and whenever I see this thread, I picture henchmen carrying her now-husband down the aisle, and keeping him there until they said, "I do."

 

"Do you take this woman for your lawfully wedded wife?"

"Um.. ah... OUCH! YES! I DO!"

 

That's egregious and abusive. Young men, take notice! That is all.

[Leigh 87]

I plan to force my boyfriend to marry me soon.

 

Thanks, guys, for the helpful advice.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I was not coerced or manipulated into marriage in anyway. I went to college looking for a wife(and an education) On the same night we first kissed I took a risky move telling my new girlfriend that I was ultimately looking for a lifetime partner. When I first proposed several years later it was all on my own and took her completely by surprise. So, there's your example of a guy who drove the movement to marriage...and stuck to it btw. Unfortunately 14 years later I had to also drive us toward divorce after she took the cowardly road of infidelity... I guess she was the type to agree with me just to get what she wanted. She pretty much told me so when we've gone back and talked about that first night when I started talking all serious. She just wanted a boyfriend and was willing to listen to my nonsense and nod her head while I talked. Maybe it's the same for guys who are "forced into marriage" and then end up cheating...

[strongnrelaxed]

Not a man either, but do know women in real life as well as popular portrayal who believe it is their duty to squeeze marriage out of a man. Was talking to a woman I met at a graduate student conference, PhD candidate, very smart (to show that all kinds of women, professional and otherwise believe this) and she was discussing her aunt's tips about relationships and how "marriages don't just happen" and how women have to spearhead the marriage "project" . I told her frankly that I personally didn't subscribe to that philosophy, but I know it is a common conception. I for one will not be scheming or chasing a man down bent on getting him to marry me. I ALWAYS cringe at the topics that come up about "dropping hints" or they asked their guy a thousand times, or he keeps putting it off, the ultimatums etc...it's all insane to me.

 

I agree with you.

 

 

I mean no disrespect in asking this, but why do you not respond to the women like those below your comment who make snide comments that contradict what you're saying. They tro ll around here and make sport of ridiculing people's pain. I would think that an intelligent woman like you would want to call them out for their BS. What holds you back? Why are so many women willing to join in with this sort of behavior?

[strongnrelaxed]

You know........when I read these threads by you s&r.......I always get a good belly laugh. The ridiculousness of thinking that you are on a mission, a one man crusade if you will, to educate young men about the evils of marriage. Narcissism or misogynistic or a combo of both peppers all your posts and this certainly is no exception. I think you really believe that someone here will take you serious. The worrisome part is any future women in your life or if you have any children that you influence, well I feel sorry for them and hope they otherwise have good influences and don't buy into what you are selling. A good quality woman will not be attracted to you, she will see you for what you are very quickly and she will stay far away. So you will continue to attract and have relationships with women who aren't the best quality and it likely will just reinforce your misogynistic tendencies even more but of course you will continue to blame women for your mistakes. You will always be the poor victim.

 

 

Someone once told me, that I needed to stop acting like a victim, I think that is some advice that could benefit you also. Whatever was done to you as a adult by a woman or women, well you have some responsibility for it also. You picked them.

 

This all sounds so, erudite and impressive, but like so many others, you are toeing the party line. I am interested in answers to the questions I post and not psuedo psycho babble. Or whatever this is supposed to be.

 

I have already had the effect I had hoped. So it is all icing from here on in.

 

Marriage is not necessary. Love is more important. Trust is more important. Common interests, caring, intimacy, and a whole host of other things are more important to me in my relationships. You know what is most important to most of the women who side with you? A marriage contract.

 

That sort of says it all to me.

 

Say what you will. There were over a thousand people willing to follow Jim Jones to Guyana and drink poisoned Kool Aid. That boggles the mind, but it happened.

 

And similarly there are many women here who are high fiving it and loving your every word about me and the evil patriarchy or whichever bugaboo is on the plate this evening.

 

But men are paying closer attention to posts like yours and asking themselves good questions. They just tend to discuss these things on other forums where mostly men can speak rationally and work through them.

 

I am not alone in this, despite what you think you know.

 

Have a great day. I am very proud of the decrease in marriages these days. Men are finally opting out. It is about time. This will in turn decrease the divorce rate and hopefully stop children from growing up in broken households. At least I hope so.

 

I would not expect you to care about this. You made your point clear above and your perspective and your priorities are clear for all to see.

 

If my posts seem strange to you, you can either continue to see them that way, or possibly do some reflection. You might not like what you find when you dig around in there, so maybe it is better to just keep drinking that Kool Aid.

 

Either way, it is your choice. Keep posting. This is great for men to see.

[xxoo]

Marriage is not necessary. Love is more important. Trust is more important. Common interests, caring, intimacy, and a whole host of other things are more important to me in my relationships. You know what is most important to most of the women who side with you? A marriage contract.

 

Marriage is not necessary, but it is desired by many women and men--especially those hoping to have children.

 

Why do women want marriage? Often, it is because she wants that traditional family, with children. She dreams of love, trust, intimacy, etc. with a man who wants a traditional family, too.

 

If a man doesn't want those things with her--as wonderful as he may be, he is not the right guy for her. They are simply incompatible. She would be sacrificing too many things to be with him.

 

Similarly, consider the sex example. If a man and a woman share love, trust, caring, commitment, but no sex, and the man decides to leave--is that because sex is more important that than all those things? Of course not. Sex is simply as important as the rest. All are important.

Edited October 19, 2012 by xxoo

[strongnrelaxed]

Marriage is not necessary, but it is desired by many women and men--especially those hoping to have children.

 

Why do women want marriage? Often, it is because she wants that traditional family, with children. She dreams of love, trust, intimacy, etc. with a man who wants a traditional family, too.

 

If a man doesn't want those things with her--as wonderful as he may be, he is not the right guy for her. They are simply incompatible. She would be sacrificing too many things to be with him.

 

Similarly, consider the sex example. If a man and a woman share love, trust, caring, commitment, but no sex, and the man decides to leave--is that because sex is more important that than all those things? Of course not. Sex is simply as important as the rest. All are important.

 

I sure hope you are wrong! I hope that women want a RELATIONSHIP with a man because she wants a traditional family, love, trust etc. Why is a marriage contract so important to all of that.

 

I have yet to hear one single woman here answer that question. Not one. Not even ONE!

 

Love, commitment, sex, intimacy, rings, children, houses, cars, dogs, name changes, parties, holidays, vacations, friends, and a whole host of other things are all possible without a marriage contract.

 

These things are completely separate from contracts and laws. At least to me!

 

 

Why then in God's green earth would anyone want to invite the government into their marriage by signing a marriage contract?

 

I am still desperately waiting for a cogent, rational, honest answer to this question.

 

Still waiting...